Friends or more dilemma

[DrHook]

Hi,

So Im a guy with a female friend who is confusing me. Ive known her for around a 12 months i guess,

we've always got on quite well with similar interests and tastes etc and I was attracted to her right away

but she had a boyfriend at the time so I didnt pursue anything further. We tend to hang out at the same bar

fairly regularly so I would see her around often and occasionally we would chat very briefly on social media.

 

Fast forward around 8 months and she has split with her boyfriend. I learned this through her after having

extended social media conversations and her indicating that she was now single. Since that time, we talk

almost every day. I was apprehensive about anything happening so soon after her split so I figured I'd go with

it and just get to know her a little better and see where it lead.

 

So at this point in time we still talk every day, quite often in depth about very personal things she says she

doesn't talk to most people about. There has been what I would consider to be perhaps signals from her

like turning to me for support when she's upset or lonely or needs help with anything, she always says hello

first thing after she wakes, will chat well into the night, seems excited to tell me right away when something

good happens in her life, she has said she loves me, says I'm handsome etc, she has said she'd like to meet

my parents and I have visited her parents house already, she says she trusts me and feels safe with me, is

always sending photos of herself and her pets and responds well to my compliments.

 

Things were I guess progressing in the usual way, we were becoming closer and more physical to an extent

and would share long embraces, hold hands etc come the end of a night out with her/my friends or just a

night in at either of or our houses. Then one night we ended up laying around at home playing

music, drinking wine and talking, we were really comfortable and got a bit carried away with the drink, we

ended up making out on the bed and then falling asleep.

 

Now up til this point neither of us had suggested we were any more than friends, though I had the feeling it

was something more substantial I didnt want to be in a rebound relationship or the like so I'd just been

going with the flow. After we parted that morning I confessed that I was attracted to her and her response

was ask if we should be hanging out if I have feelings for her. To which I replied that I wouldn't say no to

things progressing but if blurring the boundaries was going to jeopardize our friendship then I'd make an

effort to keep it platonic as I really would rather have her as a friend than not at all.

 

She assured me it wouldn't jeopardize anything but since then she has been a little distant at times and

we've only caught up exclusively once which happened about week and a half afterward, whereas before

we were seeing each other a couple of times a week plus a night or two at the bar. I put it down to the

fact that sharing that kind of intimacy is crossing a line which she perhaps wasnt quite prepared for

and also to the fact that her ex is still in contact and in the same friendship group and will sometimes

become abusive when he sees us out etc and she would prefer to maintain some level of friendship with

him. She said that she exited the relationship because she wasn't in love with him and didn't want to force

it, it wasn't amicable, and he's having an especially hard time since his father is very unwell unfortunately.

And while she refuses to be his crutch and pander to his neediness etc she doesn't want things to be

ruined permanently so is treading lightly.

 

Not sure what to make of her behavior as she seemed to come on fairly strong and then suddenly nothing,

I guess the best strategy is to ask her outright what her feelings are but I just thought I'd post here to

see if other people might interpret her behavior differently and get some opinions on whether its a bit of

risk to the friendship to say anything or I should perhaps just let it slide and see what eventuates?

 

If you've made it this far thanks for reading

cheers.

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you are not a rebound, shoulder to cry on or friendzoned.

 

She may reconcile with the "ex" since they are still talking and she's more concerned about his feelings and actions than yours.

[DancingFool]

Well....for all your fear of not being a rebound, that's exactly the role you've taken on....unfortunately and somewhat ironically.

 

Hanging out, doing date like stuff, getting emotionally close and somewhat physically close, etc. This quasi-dating, quasi-not situation was basically working well for her in terms of fulfilling her emotional support needs and plugging a hole the break up left behind. Unfortunately, it sounds like her and the ex are not truly done with each other. Beware of someone making excuses for why they need to stay friends with the ex and drag that baggage with them. There is a big difference between being civil toward each other because you run into each other often, and wanting to be friends and friendly.

 

As for your friendship, honestly, you aren't a true friend to her when you really want more. It's a toxic merry go round for you where you aren't able to focus and give an honest shot to other women and healthy women will not date you when you have this female "friend" you are carrying a torch for. Your friendship is really nothing more than you waiting in the wings for her to decide to finally date you.

 

Thing is that this kind of going with the flow approach never really works out. If you like her, take your chances and let the chips fall where they may. Yes you might get hurt or you might not. That's a chance you take with every relationship and the only "safe" alternative is to be single and celibate for life, never date, never get involved with anyone. The latter is not an attractive existence. So don't loiter going with the flow. Either go for what you want or walk away completely and give yourself a chance to meet someone else. In this situation, getting rejected and knowing where you stand clearly is mercy. Otherwise what will happen is either she'll get back with her ex or you will be the guy listening to her gush or whine about her new bf and it won't be you either way. Just more never ending waiting in the wings for some magical right time that never comes.

[DrHook]

I see what you mean, I kind of felt like I was plugging a hole, I've been in her position before and know how easy it can be to let someone do that for you. I didn't want to rush into anything but it seems that's kind of happened anyhow to some degree just without a label. And as far as her ex being friends goes, If I was interested in someone new, I certainly wouldn't be hanging out with my ex regardless of whether we had salvaged a friendship as it gives off the wrong impression. Strange what you'll let yourself believe sometimes.

 

Waiting in the wings isn't really what I had in mind, I was actually more concerned that making any kind of move so soon after the breakup may be a bad idea? As I said, I've been in her position before and I know i wouldn't be over it and ready for something new for at least a few months and i wouldn't appreciate someone pushing me for it. I suppose there's a difference between pushing and simply putting it out there though. Whatever the case I was just worried about making things awkward when I thought it might actually progress over the next few weeks or so.

 

Anynow, at this point I've taken your advice. I visited her place yesterday and helped out fixing a few things around the house before we sat in the sun and chatted over a few beers, as I was leaving she asked me to come by the bar tonight to hang out. Instead I'll suggest to her that we no longer spend so much time together and communicate so often etc if its never going to lead anywhere, and maybe be can just cool it a bit and revisit on a more platonic level sometime later down the track when she has decided whats happening with her ex etc and we can see what happens then.