Worried I am turning into a narcissist

[Fesfas]

Lately I have become increasingly concerned with my narcissistic tendencies, particularly with how I react in difficult or crisis situations. I suppose I have always had some narcissistic tendencies, and I also realize that a little bit of narcissism can actually be healthy. A person who exudes confidence and reliability must display some narcissistic characteristics or else he/she wouldn't be able to continue to function on a day to day basis.

 

But lately I am becoming more aware of the pattern of behavior I display in situation where things go wrong. My first reaction is always to find someone else to blame for why things went wrong and to come up with an excuse for why it wasn't my fault. In hindsight I always realize that my first priority should always be to fix the problem first and then figure out who was to blame. I guess I have a need for approval from others that borders on the extreme. I need others to see me as competent and knowledgeable. But I don't like that I am this way. I wish I could get to a point where I am comfortable with who I am while accepting the fact that sometimes I make mistakes that are nobody's fault but mine. But I somehow find it difficult to accept that sometimes I am not as good as I think I am / would like to be.

 

In a way I am sort of proud that I display a certain level of narcissistic behavior (which is in and by itself a sign of narcissism). Professional athletes sometimes talk about having a "good" kind of arrogance which allows them to approach pressure situations with confidence and control. I admit that I like being in control of things and I am desperate for the world to see that if I am just given a chance that I could be trusted with some responsibility. Maybe this desire to take on responsibility comes from a childhood trauma, I don't know. But lately I have wondering if this drive to "move up" in the world is actually causing me more problems that it is opening doors for me. I don't consider myself a mean-spirited person, but sometimes I wonder if others perceive me that me as I am constantly trying to show the world "hey, look what I can do!"

 

Has anybody else gone through a phase like this? If so, what can I do to remind myself that I am just a humble homo sapien who is no more or less valuable than any of the other homo sapiens on the planet?

[leseine7]

I have fallen into the trap way too many times in life of "labelling" someone or attempting to diagnose them without the means to do so. So, first of all, cut that out.

 

If your main concern is to find out if you are a narcissist, based on my own research of this disorder, you are actually displaying insecurity, concern about the kind of person you are and the repercussions of these actions. In my opinion (and granted, I have no clue), you don't have Narcissism, you have very low self-esteem, as evidenced by your "need to be seen" a certain way to an extreme.

 

On one hand, you're being very healthy in noting the toxic behaviours you are displaying. But on the other, I feel like you are reading way too much about narcissism in the wrong context - particularly if you are stating you are proud of it because you liken your own personality trait with famed athletes or other high-ranking professionals. Don't aspire to be narcissistic in any way. There's a huge difference between being confident (which I don't think you really are), and being disordered. True Narcissists frequently self-destruct and ruin relationships with people, and their careers. Yes, maybe a Narcissist can display confidence and reliability because that is how they can get what they want out of the world, but you certainly do not NEED to BE a Narcissist in order to exude those things.

 

Anyway the only advice I can really give on this is that for sure you should talk to a therapist of some kind, and stop attempting to diagnose yourself. Do the work to be truly CONFIDENT, and fulfilled in yourself, without needing to be destructive or hurtful to others (which is often where Narcissists fall very short).

[Fesfas]

 

If your main concern is to find out if you are a narcissist, based on my own research of this disorder, you are actually displaying insecurity, concern about the kind of person you are and the repercussions of these actions. In my opinion (and granted, I have no clue), you don't have Narcissism, you have very low self-esteem, as evidenced by your "need to be seen" a certain way to an extreme.

 

Yeah, now that you mention it, I think I am confusing the two concepts. And I think you're right: I am often lacking in self-esteem.

 

It seems there are some parallels between narcissistic disorder and insecurity. For instance I have in the past sabotaged some of my relationships in order to prove myself "right" to others. In hindsight I must have come off like a real self-centered jerk who is willing to sacrifice anyone and anything in order to get ahead. Also, I have found that I sometimes am able to manipulate others into getting what I want. I feel bad about it afterwards, but that hasn't really stopped the pattern. Aren't these characteristics of a narcissist?

 

But assuming that my problem is just that I lack self-esteem, I guess I need to learn to retain my own sense of self-worth without feeling the need to bulldoze through everything in my path in the process. It's a tough balancing act though. I find myself constantly being in situations in which someone else implies that what I'm doing or who I am is not good enough, and as a result it seems that I am perpetually stuck in self-defense mode. I'll sometimes lash out in an act of self-preservation even though the other person wasn't trying to attack me in the first place. I need to learn to understand that I have value but that I am not "special" or "superior". I never considered myself either of these things, but I think I give off the impression that I expect special or unique treatment when really all I want is to be treated fairly. When I feel that fairness under threat I tend to get quite aggressive and curt and in the process I might offend/hurt others (never physically, emotionally I mean).

 

Thank you for your honest appraisal. You should be a psychologist!

[pippy longstocking]

I must admit I haven't read the post ....but honestly a true narcissist wouldn't even write that title .. I think it is more likely you are just becoming very self aware of your actions and that is a good thing .

[Fesfas]

I must admit I haven't read the post ....but honestly a true narcissist wouldn't even write that title .. I think it is more likely you are just becoming very self aware of your actions and that is a good thing .

 

Kind words indeed. And also insightful. Thank you.

[DancingFool]

Every narcissist is insecure but not every insecure person is a narcissist.

 

Anyway, seems like you are very insecure and consider that being anything less than omnipotent and perfect is weakness. Except that, ironically, that fear of imperfection is your biggest weakness. Successful people, be it business or sports, are actually extremely good at identifying what their strengths are and what they are bad at. What makes them successful IS the ability to acknowledge that they are not perfect, can't do everything and then focusing on their strengths and lettings others pick up the things they are bad at.

 

Consider that you'll never meet an NFL quaterback who goes "Oh I am so amazing, I can play every position and be brilliant at" because that's not arrogance, that's pure delusion. A really great one will never say he is perfect in every situation either. If he is a bit weak at one thing and excels at another, that's where his team and coaches will come into the picture to support the strength and cover the weakness. Arrogance is saying that you don't have any trouble spots and no successful athlete will ever win if they can't admit to trouble spots. You can't train what doesn't exist, right?

 

What people are talking about when they say good kind of arrogance is that after you've put in hours and hours and years of training and you have a situation, you go into it believing in yourself and trusting that all those years of training are going to kick in for you and you'll come out on top. However, biggest part of training and learning is how many times it didn't work out and each time you learned something from that for next time. Success is literally built on a million failures and from each one you walk away a little wiser.

 

Success isn't about not showing weakness, it's about learning from it. So, if you deny making a mistake, blame others there is no way for you to improve yourself and to ensure that same mistake doesn't happen again. Denial means no learning is happening.

[Fesfas]

Every narcissist is insecure but not every insecure person is a narcissist.

 

Anyway, seems like you are very insecure and consider that being anything less than omnipotent and perfect is weakness. Except that, ironically, that fear of imperfection is your biggest weakness. Successful people, be it business or sports, are actually extremely good at identifying what their strengths are and what they are bad at. What makes them successful IS the ability to acknowledge that they are not perfect, can't do everything and then focusing on their strengths and lettings others pick up the things they are bad at.

 

Consider that you'll never meet an NFL quaterback who goes "Oh I am so amazing, I can play every position and be brilliant at" because that's not arrogance, that's pure delusion. A really great one will never say he is perfect in every situation either. If he is a bit weak at one thing and excels at another, that's where his team and coaches will come into the picture to support the strength and cover the weakness. Arrogance is saying that you don't have any trouble spots and no successful athlete will ever win if they can't admit to trouble spots. You can't train what doesn't exist, right?

 

What people are talking about when they say good kind of arrogance is that after you've put in hours and hours and years of training and you have a situation, you go into it believing in yourself and trusting that all those years of training are going to kick in for you and you'll come out on top. However, biggest part of training and learning is how many times it didn't work out and each time you learned something from that for next time. Success is literally built on a million failures and from each one you walk away a little wiser.

 

Success isn't about not showing weakness, it's about learning from it. So, if you deny making a mistake, blame others there is no way for you to improve yourself and to ensure that same mistake doesn't happen again. Denial means no learning is happening.

 

You must be an author or column writer. And I appreciate the professional sports analogy Thank you. I think you summed it up perfectly: I need to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses and focus on the potential for learning from my mistakes, instead of blaming others (or even myself) for them.

[Wiseman2]

Most narcissists are not this introspective. It's usually a fixed notion that others are at fault or inferior.

 

If you are in a cutthroat profession/industry then that's what you have to do to eat/survive. Sometimes this is called Machiavellian (google it). Have you every seen football teams let the other teams win because they want to seem "nice"?

 

However if you are misapplying it to nonthreatening/not competitive interpersonal relationships, where cooperation would better suit you, then it's maladaptive.

For instance I have in the past sabotaged some of my relationships in order to prove myself "right" to others. In hindsight I must have come off like a real self-centered jerk who is willing to sacrifice anyone and anything in order to get ahead.

[Seraphim]

I agree if you're worried about being a narcissist you're not a narcissist . A narcissist wouldn't give a rat's rump .