My partner relys on her ex husband too much

[Kyos]

Hi, I'm a 27 year old guy, I've been with my partner for about six months now, she is 45 and amazing. But there an issue that keeps resurfacing. When ever she needs help with something she goes to her ex husband they were together for 20 years and I've told her it makes me uncomfortable how much time they spend together. Each time she gets defensive and tells me it's not going to change as they have a son who is now 19. I've explained the issue isn't that she see him at all it's the frequency. And never is related to the son. The two share an interest in motorbike and will go on rides together when she has a day off and I'm at work. She always tells me about it so I don't think she is cheating and seems so much happier than when she is with me. The worst thing is she gets very concerned and has accused me of cheating when i went to the toilet with my phone stating. It was the same thing her ex husband used to do before he was found out to be cheating. Am I being paranoid or can anyone advise me how to handle this as I don't want to lose her. But it's feels she doesn't care.

[Krankor]

OK, so the 19 year old son shouldn't require a whole lot lf co-parenting beyond graduations etc. at this point. Sounds like an excuse to me.

 

Maybe there's something going on, but my honest guess is that those two miss the friendship they had and are keeping that alive. And she relates to him more and relies on him because he's around age. You're fulfilling a different role.

 

It isn't fair to you or right for her to keep her ex-husband in such a prominent role in her life. But you've made your feelings clear and she doesn't seem willing to change. I'd reevaluate this one. Honestly, with the age difference it's probably doomed anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

She's not your "partner" per se. She's your gf of only 6 months. She's told you something important; this won't change. This early on in the relationship, you should be listening to her and deciding if you can live with this. I suspect most folks wouldn't. But there is nothing you can really do about her decision to change her mind. You can walk away to help yourself.

[MissCanuck]

I think they are too close for comfort. But she doesn't appear to agree, nor does she seem willing to see your point of view.

 

Only you can decide if you're willing to remain in a relationship in which there is practically a third partner (ie. her ex) It wouldn't work for me, personally.

[BeenThereB4]

She is still emotionally attached to her husband. She ended the marriage, not because she didn't love him, but because he cheated. It probably empowers her a great deal to flaunt the fact that she is dating a 27 year old. Did her husband cheat with younger women?

 

He probably loves the fact that she comes to him for help. He's probably hoping for a reconciliation. Who knows? Maybe she is too.

 

Her behavior of accusing you of cheating, when you clearly are not, may be her way of trying to get you to leave. This doesn't seem like a good situation for you. It's only been six months; end it. Find someone without so much baggage.

 

I was 40 when I started dating a 34 year old. It's not much of an age difference, but his family thought it was. They thought I was too old to have a baby. Wrong! Anyway, I had no prior husbands, nor kids. It was just me, ready to commit. We are now married with a son.

 

The point I'm making is that it's fine if you like older women. It's also very possible for you to find one who doesn't have an ex-husband she spends a ton of time with.

 

I wish a happy life!

[j.man]

Thing is you could get 90 other posters to agree it'd be inappropriate, but you still don't have a leg to stand on. As pointed out, she's your girlfriend, and a relatively recent one at that and this whole thing is what it is. You can't expect it to change, so either you stick to your boundaries and leave or learn to accept her "close" relationship with her ex husband. I know which choice I would make, personally.

[Doc Blaze]

She isn't going to change so if it bothers you move on. I went through the same thing and my older ex gf ended up cheating on me after accusing me for weeks that I was cheating on her. Once the fun and honeymoon stage wore of the relationship was a nightmare anyways. we were at 2 different parts of our lives. it wouldn't of worked even if she didn't cheat on me.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but after dating 6 mos, compared to a spouse, family and co-parent for 20 yrs, they have habits of interacting that seem longstanding.

 

Dating only 6 mos you can't dictate how they interact. What you see is what you get, unfortunately. As well as she basically told you, it is what it is and will remain so.

27 year old guy, six months now, she is 45 and amazing. I've told her it makes me uncomfortable how much time they spend together. she gets defensive and tells me it's not going to change as they have a son who is now 19.

[No1]

She is not going to pick you over her X and child. Its a package deal. They have a dynamic that you wont understand right now. Her and her X might be better as friends than as a romantic couple. If you want to be with her then you must accept her life and her terms because she is not changing them for a 27 yr old that is making her feel great. You are replaceable, her X and son are not.

 

You either roll with it or you dont. Choice is yours

[Kyos]

She is not going to pick you over her X and child. Its a package deal. They have a dynamic that you wont understand right now. Her and her X might be better as friends than as a romantic couple. If you want to be with her then you must accept her life and her terms because she is not changing them for a 27 yr old that is making her feel great. You are replaceable, her X and son are not.

 

You either roll with it or you dont. Choice is yours

 

I am trying to accept it, even asked to meet him. So I could reassure myself my concerns were unfounded. She told me it probably would not happen as he doesn't want to know. She also criticised me for being only after sex the other day. I don't want to lose her is there a way I can deal with this as I know she won't change, so I have to but when I try to act fine about it. She tells me I'm being distant.

[obsessed2]

You're in a tough spot because she probably enjoys and is used to the things she did with her ex. I'm sure they had a lengthy marriage and may have a lot of similar interests, some of those which she doesn't have with you. Things like camping, motorcycle riding etc... things they did as a family as the son was growing up. Hard to replace that. She obviously has forgiven him for cheating and it's too bad she could just keep it to just seeing the son and not doing things with her ex only. You need to but up a boundary in regards to that. Have you learned about her other interests and have you tried to get involved in them? Are you two doing any traveling together or doing hikes (women seem to like that)? Could it be that you two are having a lot of sex and there is little else as far as activities go? Have you been in a fairly lengthy relationship before this?

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to meet him, he's her ex. True, what you see is what you get. About 6 mos in when the infatuation wears off all these incompatibilities and issues become clear.

I am trying to accept it, even asked to meet him. She told me it probably would not happen as he doesn't want to know. She also criticised me for being only after sex the other day.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

She's 45 and you're 27....

 

Doesn't seem like you would have trouble finding someone else without the baggage

[No1]

I am trying to accept it, even asked to meet him. So I could reassure myself my concerns were unfounded. She told me it probably would not happen as he doesn't want to know. She also criticised me for being only after sex the other day. I don't want to lose her is there a way I can deal with this as I know she won't change, so I have to but when I try to act fine about it. She tells me I'm being distant.

 

Then why are you in this relationship? Part of being in one is accepting them for who they are and the life they have. Okay, you dont have to like 100% of their lives, but this with the X and the kid is a HUGE part of her life. I think your solution is very simple. 1. you accept her life and continue to be with her until it ends. or 2. You dont, you tell her have a good life and you go on your own merry way.