I'm confused

[Ablaze]

Hello everyone pls i need advice on my relationship...There's this girl have been dating for two years now and i really love her but recently i feel like she has changed because we don't talk much anymore she says it her studies taking up all her time but deep down in my heart i feel like something else is wrong but again i feel like i'm being selfish coz she in med sch and i know med sch is tough and all....oh did i mention this relationship is a long distance relationship? Anyway the main reason i'm confused at this point is that this girl told me she hasn't had sex before and she's going to wait till marriage tho i'm not the kinda wait till marriage kind of guy but i love this girl so much that i haven't been with anyone since we started dating and since she's a virgin and it's a long distance relationship i have nothing to worry abt right?? what could go wrong right? it's not as if she will be having sex while im here ignoring every chance to hump someone right? but no coz few days ago she told me she has had sex before, one time before we started dating and now everything i believe in, everything i hold on to in the relationship, my leverage all gone and i don't know what to do....i love her but i don't know if i can ever trust her i don't know if i can shake off the feeling she's having sex with someone over there and i don't know if letting her go is the right thing or live with being suspicious everyday for the next six years. Please people help me i'm going crazy coz i can't handle this on my own

[Broomwood]

I wouldn't think she is having sex with someone else, based on what you tell us about her. Med school people are serious and sensible, generally, and she is wise not having sex before marriage. Sex is bonding to women. The reason for her perhaps being not entirely honest about her past sex experience is that she doesn't want you to cajole her into it once you know she's done it before. What would be her reasons to deny sex to you but not somebody else before you? Hard to find them. Being a virgin means it's a no, and basta.

Now why I think she has changed. Quite possibly met a guy and is emotionally bonding to him. There is a difference between sexually bonded and emotionally bonded. Usually once the first takes place, the other follows. He is there in her real life, they talk everyday or very often, and share their thoughts, feelings and experience, and if she finds herself liking him more and more, she will be pulling away emotionally from you..

I would hate to think this is true, but it is a plausible reason for her pulling away emotionally. I would get myself over where she is, sit her down and discuss.

[Ablaze]

Thanks for the advice. There's possibility of someone else in her life and that really scares me because i don't want to lose her but then i can't be there with her physically coz she's studying abroad and i can't afford to travelling abroad

[citricacid]

How long were you dating before she moved away? How long will she be abroad? Does she have concrete plans to come back to do her residency?

It takes a certain disposition to handle this type of relationship. You need a certain level of independence (I.e. your own career, hobbies, a support group), and you need to trust her completely otherwise you'll sabotage the relationship by doing exactly what you're doing now, obsessing over her loyalty and faithfulness.

[Ablaze]

How long were you dating before she moved away? How long will she be abroad? Does she have concrete plans to come back to do her residency?

It takes a certain disposition to handle this type of relationship. You need a certain level of independence (I.e. your own career, hobbies, a support group), and you need to trust her completely otherwise you'll sabotage the relationship by doing exactly what you're doing now, obsessing over her loyalty and faithfulness.

 

It wasn't long after we started dating before she travelled abroad and she still has five or six years more but she's gonna visit in between

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately dating only briefly and now she'll be overseas 5-6 yrs will make any LDR very very tough.

 

You can't change her values morals and choices about premarital sex.

 

You'll have to break up and have sex locally if you are "not the kinda wait till marriage kind of guy"..

this relationship is a long distance relationship. that this girl told me she hasn't had sex before and she's going to wait till marriage tho i'm not the kinda wait till marriage kind of guy.

[Ablaze]

Unfortunately dating only briefly and now she'll be overseas 5-6 yrs will make any LDR very very tough.

 

You can't change her values morals and choices about premarital sex.

 

You'll have to break up and have sex locally if you are "not the kinda wait till marriage kind of guy"..

 

My problem isn't the sex my real fear i being dumped after giving everything

[citricacid]

My problem isn't the sex my real fear i being dumped after giving everything

 

She doesn't owe you anything because you "gave everything". You're in a relationship, you both give 100%, that's the whole point. If your only fear is that you'll lose the time you invested in her, then you should take some time to reflect whether you should go your separate ways, because I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship based solely upon that fear.

[Wiseman2]

Don't invest more than you can afford. Obviously that's sound financial advice, but it works for emotions, time and effort in a relationships too.

My problem isn't the sex my real fear i being dumped after giving everything