Days off, friend people, misc

[1a1a]

I always feel at a loose end on my first day off after a stretch of work. Too tired to do 'work' around the house or seek out social interaction, but craving social interaction of something to do none the less (enforced time of rest I suppose). Feels like a good time to write out how the last month of few have been going.

 

I made friends with this really lonely young man (he made friends with me? We made friends with each other) a couple of months ago. We started hanging out a bit and don't know if there's a correlation or not but I haven't really felt so abjectly lonely since, even though at present, I'm not sure if we are still friends (we are pretty different people, I don't know if we would be talking to each other still if we weren't both lonely, and he's been a real jerk to his girlfriend, and I've been trying to hang out with her a bit because she's lonely and she's cool.....if that relationship is falling to pieces, I have probably inadvertantly chosen my side).

 

Work has been consistently full on, which is, at least while it's happening, really good. It gives me purpose, it gives me things to do, I get good job satisfaction from it. (Plus moneeeeey).

 

I don't really see very much of my shy friend with benefits anymore but I have to begrudgingly admit to myself, he hasn't been terribly missed (and I can only assume he hasn't missed me since he never reaches out).

 

I have leveled up with the guy I wanted to jam with to hanging out at watching Star Trek when we're bored. This is not in the slightest bit sexy, I sit on the couch, he sits way over there on his computer chair. But an additional friend face is always welcome, and there's still the slim possibility that I will grow on him like fungus.

 

I went on this arduous trip to Melbourne not the weekend been, but the one before. I was meant to be mixing a band at a show on Saturday (but Melbourne is far away and very big and we ran really late and got there 30 seconds into their first song. Very upsetting, 1a1a crying on the sidewalk waiting for the uber to hurry up and collect us but already knowing that she was going to fail in her primary reason for going and then feeling bad for raining on her traveling companions' parade amounts of distressing). Even without the mixing I'd been hoping to build some social capital with band after but first there was draaamaaa with one of their friends getting upset about everyone loading their equipment into his car and running off to sulk, and then we all went to a really bar that was primarily because the music was up too loud for conversation. At this point my mood had completely nose dived and i took responsibility for it and determined to get myself the hell out of there.

 

Which brings me to next thing. I have been getting a serious increase in contact time with my ex. First I reached out to see if we could watch some One Piece together, primarily because there is a new movie coming out, and can't see that till I've caught up. And still holding onto this "watch One Piece with this specific person that I started it with" sentimental idea. Then I saw a lot of him on the tale end of the Melbourne trip because he's in the band, and was catching a ride back to Adelaide in the same car as I. On that upsetting show night, when I got to the venue, I listened to the band play for a bit, then had the thought that I wouldn't get paid for that night because not doing anything which brought on a fresh bout of crying and me hiding in the toilet until I calmed down. Once he was finished playing and packing up ex sends me a text asking where I am and we go and sit and eat together. Which was exactly what I needed (friend face and food) and I never would have asked for it from him considering the context but I am glad that he had that idea to find me all by himself. (He already knew I was incredibly upset about the failing at work thing because we had been texting prior to the set). Since returning to Adelaide we have watched more One Piece and got food after work Friday And Saturday. And Saturday was His initiation. And he's been sending me a lot of SMS about random things. And I knooooooooow this means nothing more than a leveling up in the friendship to something a bit closer. Which is awesome in itself. But my damn heart is still a little wondery. And I think I would go back in a heart beat if he spoke words to that effect. And I kind of can't believe myself, that even after a year, I haven't reached a point where I am indifferent to him. A year, multiple crushes on other people, all that time alone, all that personal development.

 

I did have a thought, which I already knew really which is, when I was with my ex, he did not have the best version of myself, I was healing from the relationship before, stressed about work, had no friends and there for no support network outside of him. In a parallel trowser leg of time, if we got back now, and I thought "why break up in the first place". There's no way the last year was a waste of time. I am definitely improved on where I was. But, he is still on the young side, he could afford to have more experiences yet. Would we even do monogamy again? Would his sexual attraction to me ever come back? (Maybe if he sees me being boss of my life, in my element, doing the things I love).

 

The fact that I haven't had any more random messages from him since last night is definitely contributing to my malaise. A little while ago I tried to ween myself off of checking facebook when lonely by giving myself $10 towards buying clothes everytime I successfully resisted the urge. This time, I have a better idea. Everytime I have a thought like "why isn't ex sending me messages" or, I really want to hang out with someone but everyone is busy, I'm going to do 5 minutes of guitar practice.

 

And, today, I think I shall make a list of totally platonic friend people who need a visiting and see if I can't make plans with some of them.

 

Before the ex kinda swung back into my orbit, I might tentatively say I had actually gotten ok with being single. Tis normal, I don't hate it, I don't feel a pressing need to change it. (I think the heaps of work really contributes to this, I love work )

 

 

Addendum thought, that probably needs it's own thread.

 

I've had two guys in the last two weeks express their romantic interest in me and I have indulged neither because I'm not drawn to them. I kind of worry that I'm shutting people down too quick but in my experience, not attracted from the get go, equals inevitable awkward conversations a little while in where I have to say "still not feeling it". That having someone grow on you is ok when you're working or playing together and life keeps throwing you in each other's company, because there's something going on. But a plain ol' date with nothing else to prop it up, is it really unreasonable to limit those to people you're at least a little bit intrigued by the prospect of getting intimate with them?

[gebaird]

Regarding your ex, there are some people towards whom we can never grow indifferent. Perhaps you will get there eventually, but if not then maybe acceptance of the situation is the next best thing.

 

Regarding limiting your dating choices, you are fully empowered to decide who you will and won't spend time with. If you want a variety of experiences, say yes to everyone who asks. If you want to increase the odds that you will actually enjoy those experiences, be more selective.