is this normal? afraid im pushing him away

[Jackiegirl0997]

So idk what's going on with me lately, idk if its just that my boyfriend and I are getting most comfortable around eachother or if I'm having my own insecurities and it's causing issues.. I really dont know.

 

But this is what's up: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and half with a break in between, i broke up with him because he was very closed off and not treating me the right way basically. after a few months apart he came back and begged that he knows how he was but now he was ready for the real thing so we gave it another try and things have been awesome. he told me he was sorry and didnt appreciate all that i did before for him like putting in effort and what not. since then its been about 5 months and things have been WAY better.. but i find myself getting very insecure with things and hes saying its pushing him away and that scares me because i love him very much and obviously dont want to push him away but I feel like if i give in to everything being his way things will go back to where the were before.

 

something as simple as me asking if i can go to his daughter's basketball game the next day and him saying "we'll figure it out tomorrow" my brain goes straight into defensive mode like "whats there to talk about, why wouldnt i be able to go? is your ex going to be there? well if she is my feelings should come first whether she would want me there or not." i dont say that but i cant help that my mind racing like that. and he wonders why i cant just relax and say "alright just let me know when u find out" i go on with questioning him. it seems simple enough but its getting to the bickering stage with us. idk if its normal to go through rough bickering patches in relationships or what.. we're both admittedly stubborn and we clash bc we both sometimes just want the response we want, but i also know in relationships you sometimes just have to compromise and let things go. this is the first time ive been with someone i trust, love and see a future with and im afraid im ruining it bc of past experiences making me jealous and paranoid. any tips on how to be more laid back and less anxious about stupid little things would be greatly appreciated. i do probably have an underlying fear things will go back to the way they were and ill be taken for granted and taken advantage of again. i gave a lot of effort into this person bc i saw the man inside that i knew was there that had a lot of walls built up and it was the worst feeling ever, so now that we're good it just terrifies me. idk why i cant just TRUST in him, and us.

[Ms Darcy]

How old are you both? Have you talked about your future together?

[Jackiegirl0997]

im 26 and he's 34. yes we have. hes in the process of buying his first home and he asked me to eventually move in. hes mentioned "our wedding" down the line

and weve both decided we want to have kids one day.

[Jackiegirl0997]

i just know everyone has their limits and i really would like to control this insecure part of me.. constant need for reassurance can wear on anyone.

[Ms Darcy]

Well if you need constant reassurance, you might want to work with a therapist.

[notalady]

I think you're quite simply mismatched and incompatible.

 

You said he was closed off and not treating you right. I think that even if he's gotten better, it's not to the level that you want it to be.

 

I dated a guy for about 6 months, who was unaffectionate and somewhat closed off and definitely wasn't ready for commitment. His distant and unaffectionate nature made me feel insecure a lot. Lucky for me, I know myself very well and I know that's not how I normally am in a relationship or otherwise. And I know what I want in a relationship. So I knew this was not working for me.

 

I think it may be similar for you, where you need to think about what is it that you look for and need in a relationship rather than just blindly trying to sustain something that isn't working. It is not unreasonable to want reliability and certainty in a relationship, and to know that you're included in your partners life, and it's certainly not too much to ask to know if you are attending an event with him the very next day. I would've find it hard to accept "we'll figure it out tomorrow", to a simple plan like that after 1.5 years together. Yes indeed "what's there to talk about, why wouldn't I be able to go" would be my question as well (that is assuming you've already met his daughter), although probably worded more diplomatically. He's keeping you at a distance is my impression.

 

Anyway, you're only 26, plenty of fish in the sea, I don't think this one is it.

[MissCanuck]

Well, to play Devil's Advocate (for you) for a moment: why wouldn't he know if you could attend his daughter's game the following day?

 

I realize this was just an example, but perhaps it's more revealing than you intended. You mentioned an ex. Has she been an issue before?

I'm not so quick to assume it's just you being insecure. What types of things was he closed-off about before, and how have those specific issues improved?