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My girlfriend came out as gay when I came out as gender fluid - we broke up

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Hi there -


First post.. because I'm feeling alone at the tail end of a complicated situation..


My girlfriend and I had been together for 5+ years. We are both in our mid-30s. We got together just out of her divorce - and she never really had time to come to terms with that.. I was about 3 years out of my divorce and was still picking up some pieces.


She was kicked out of her house as a teenager for dating a girl. After she started dating her ex-husband, her religious/abusive family began to accept her again. As a child she was sexually traumatized and violently raped as a teenager - but repressed all of it. So - she was dealing with problems surrounding orientation most of her life and had a deep fear of men. But she felt she needed to be with men to be accepted by her family.


And I was a safe man for her, and during the time we were together, she started dealing with her trauma. Unfortunately, she projected a lot of her issues with men onto me. And our relationship was not healthy for a long time.


Through this - and throughout my life - I have been dealing with gender issues. Namely - I generally don't like men either. Specifically - I don't subscribe to most of the gender stereotypes about men and have always been vocal about changing how men act, are perceived and what society believes about men. When I was younger I wore dresses and makeup - preferred being around girls - and struggled with a lot of my own shame. But after my divorce (from a woman who was very accepting of all that) I tried to cut my femininity out and tried to embrace being a man.


So - she was dealing with her fear/anger toward men, while trying to be with a man. And I was struggling again with being a man and receiving her anger for being a man.


Eventually she moved out to be on her own - which I supported. And we did the long distance thing. After being separated and exploring more of who we were. I decided to come out publicly as Gender Fluid among a large organization of men that I was part of. Not long after she found the courage to come out as gay. And we broke up.


That's the long and short of it.. She and I share so many interests and unique views about the world and people. The kinds of things that I can't really talk about with anyone else. When we weren't both struggling - we had great times together.


She always said that I had a soft feminine energy, and that's why I was safe and not like other men. But a big part of why she came out as gay, was because she found a lesbian community in her new town and really enjoys and feels safe with the female energy. I'm angry and hurt. But not because she came out as gay. That wasn't a surprise, and to some degree I encouraged her to. Rather - I'm angry and hurt because she can't be with me, because I'm biologically a man.. And that's something I've struggled with all my life..


There are so many layers to this.. I realize part of our initial attraction to one another was that we both understood the struggle of trying to fit into a gender/orientation that didn't exactly feel right. I also believe that we came together for this part of our lives to deal with some really difficult things that have held us both back from being our true selves. It just really sucks that our true selves basically mean we can't be together.


I know its healthier for both of us this way.. But I'm still IN LOVE with her.. She loves me, but she fell out of love with me a long time ago - and never tried to rekindle that. Maybe that's what hurts most..


I know that eventually I'll get over it, and our relationship with eventually turn into a deep friendship. But right now - I feel so alone. And like the one person that could understand my struggle about being a man, is a primary reason that I'm struggling with it again - and I can't really talk to at this point..


Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I guess I'm not looking for advice as much as just hearing other people's stories - and knowing that I'm not alone.




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Between the abuse and gender/sexuality issues, I'm impressed you were able to make this difficult relationship work for more than 5 years. I'm sorry you lost her, but it honestly sounds like you helped each other figure some things out.


Sometimes love involves seeing what someone needs and giving it to them. You did exactly that for her. I think that counts for something, even though it didn't turn out the way you wanted.

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Unfortunately she's both gay and angry at men/her past. They are orientation issues as well as trauma issues. You are heterosexual? That is sexual orientation-who you are attracted to, no matter how you identify.


So her being homosexual and your being heterosexual just doesn't work, no matter how fluid your identity is. It's great you can remain friends and help each other out. However she's in love with another woman. You would find a lot of support in the LGBTI groups which address both orientation and identity.

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