Is there still chance for me or Have a really blow it? Help Thanks

[Simone28]

My ex and I dated 9 years. I was clingy, had low self esteem, needy and jealous. The break up was shocking, he took a week and a half to tell me if he wanted space or if he wanted a break up. He was chatting with an 18 year old. He was telling me he doesn't love me anymore and when he hug me he said he wish he could feel by there is nothing, he withdrew from me emotionally 2 months before we broke up. When I was packing his stuff I found something he wrote that he didn't find me attractive. After the break up I was trying to convince him and did testing terrorism until he said to text him only when it's business related. So did one week no contact and called to talk to him about the outstanding bill I was still upset and sent a text to apologize. He called next day and he was upset and sent a text apologizing. I did 2 weeks no contact and called yesterday since he been telling ppl that I wasn't paying him attention and also thinks I do by love him. So I called and ask if we can meet weekend to talk and he said yes. He still have stuff at my place and he coming to pick some up. Today I went to his work to get my keys from him because he still had my keys. He couldn't look at me but did when he hand me my keys, I was acting happy. He said so whenever I needn't get something from the house inbred to contact you and I replied yes I am paying the rent and so I went and havnt made contact however he said he will come weekend.

 

My ex came over for some of his stuff was amazed how the house looked, I did some rearranging. He said twice that the house looks nice and that I looked happy and then stated that he was probably the one holding me back. He said this about 2 times, the second time he said it I ask why he is saying something like that and he said he said he know perhaps he just feels guilty and so I told him that he wasn't holding me back and then he notice I had a mini burn on my hand and ask me what happened I told him I got burnt from the stove. And so I got ready while he was checking his email on the computer, pretending that I was going out and he ask if I'm going some where and I said yes. And then I tease him a bit about his hair since he havnt. After that he said I looked happy and I said I am, that stuff got shift these pass weeks. And when he came out the gate walking on the road he said it again that I looked happy and I said I am. And so since he doesn't have FB I texted him suggesting he get a fb account and add me, personally it would have been good if he saw some stuff I posted. Anyway he respond and said

''U look happy and like u trying to take care of yourself that's good. And no thanks i don't like fb. I forgot to ask does my friend mother still have that place for rent?"

"I hate being by the apartment feel like a kid there. i just need a place and some time to myself to let out my rage and sadness the way i want I've been holding back since they in the house all the time "

 

I did something stupid, so my cousin and been searching net and she found something called the Second chance letter and so I wrote one and gave him when he came to pick up some of his clothing. I wrote it just as explained, saw a sample and did it that way, In the beginning I put that I accepted the break up and then apologize that I didn't showed that I appreciated him and then the part stating that good things been happening and someday would like to tell him about it but right now we both still needing space.

 

The next day in the morning, he texted and said he read it and doesn't mind sitting down and talking someday. Then in the night he sent a text asking me if he can ask me something and I said okay sure.

 

"Why do u want me back? What is it about me that u love so much? and he feels like he wasn't doesn't his best as a partner as well.

 

I respond to him that it would be best to talk in person about it when he is ready and then I got to go.

 

I havnt texted him since nor have he reached out. Sigh I guess blow this , What to do now, surely feeling stuck to win him back. I shouldnt have done the letter because now he knows I want him back sigh this sucks. Not sure how to reverse that either.

 

Timeline of contact & no contact.

 

After the break up we went one week no contact and the week after that on a Monday I initiate contact so that he but his half the pay the bills. The Tuesday he initiated contact that he have paid his half. It was more a business conversation. On Wednesday was my birthday and he initiated contact through text to enjoy my day

 

On the 22 he initiated contact that he was coming by the house, I didn't answer and 29 of November he initiated contact again Stating he was coming by the house I didn't answer. The reason I didn't respond was because he at the time he had my house keys so he had access, whenever he wants. He sent another text on the 29th Asking if I had paid a bill only then I respond. During this same week, I knew he was angry since his coworker told me that they didn't kiss, since her called got transferred to my phone and I ask her and she told him that I ask her. He then called me 7 times back to back but I didn't answer. I went 2 weeks no contact although he was the one to contact.

 

On the 1st December I initiated contact asking if we could talk just to tell him what's going on that when he came to the house for the clothing.

 

Since Monday December 5 2016 he haven't reach out and so I sent a text 10 December "you are truly one for a kind, unique in every way. I am so glad I met you because there is nobody else like you in the world"

 

and today I2 December I sent " You changed me in positive ways that I am still just starting to understand"

I got no response, should I cut off contact, or have I just blow my chances of getting him back. Sigh

[gebaird]

I was clingy, had low self esteem, needy and jealous.

 

This is the issue that needs to be addressed. I don't think the second chance letter or the way you've communicated/not communicated for the past several weeks matters much in comparison to 9 years of problems that led to a breakup.

 

Stop contacting him and let him come to you. In the meantime, work on yourself so the issues that led to this breakup don't continue to haunt you.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[zeino]

Whether you stand a chance or you have blown it totally depends on what he wants in life as much as what you do, so you may never know. It's a hard truth that can pave the way for emotional healing and learning to live for ourselves or it can lead you to try and try to win him back, lose maybe years in this. Most people start with the later (as it's not easy to let go always, understandably) but move toward the former organically or through work on the self.

 

At the moment, I think you have caused a feeling of frustration in him. He was positive toward you when he saw you happy but then discovered, surprise surprise, this was to get him back. So he probably feels kinda manipulated right now. At the same time, his positive attitude toward you may not be based on wanting you back but on finding some relief that alleviates his guilt. Or maybe he was trying to encourage you so that anxieties are not triggered and the break-up moves as smoothly as possible.

 

I think yes you should cut contact but not as a strategy to win him back but to start focusing on yourself and healing. Plus the more you continue this, the more you will disturb him. Seriously. You seem to have built an action plan that is based on seeming happy. That collapses easily because long-term partners can easily distinguish between seeming happy and being happy. And being confident or happy does not attract anyone if their attraction has just run out. You need to individuate yourself from this relationship and maybe you find someone else you are truly interested in, who knows? You must give yourself all the positive chances in life because you deserve them as much as the next person.

 

9 years is a long-time. Have you considered therapy to go through this more smoothly? Deeper grieving may ensue when you stop focusing on him or ideas to get him back.

 

I wish you all the best

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like no contact and blocking him would help you heal and move on better. Stop sending texts and letters. They never work if people have made up their minds.

 

Interesting. Never knew there was a template for this:

] she found something called the Second chance letter I shouldnt have done the letter because now he knows I want him back sigh this sucks.

[Simone28]

Really appreciate the responds you all and yes I am attending counseling sessions. I will cut off contact, You are right I am focusing on him a lot. I will start focus on me. Appreciate it, it just hurt that he walked out on me. It really does.

[MissCanuck]

It's over, OP.

 

I'm sorry you're so sad. It's hard. But as someone else mentioned, I don't think the letter or communication since the break-up really matters. He was already gone before that. If it wasn't working after 9 years, it's not going to suddenly get better now. All he is remembering now are the reasons he ended the relationship. It sounds like it was a rocky one, and not healthy for you either. The dynamic you describe is dysfunctional.

 

Keep up No Contact. You need a lot of time and space to emotionally detach from him. Do what you can to improve yourself, for your own sake. You will get through this, but you need to learn to live without him first. It won't be easy, but with time and concerted effort on your part, it is possible to move on.