Is he confused or a "bad guy"?

[Efica]

I need help to see the situation realistically.

I dated 4 months a guy who seemed almost perfect for me and I seemed great for him. Turned long distance after 2 months, but he wanted to give it a try. Lately he started saying that he feels too guilty not having enough time to meet me during weekend due to work and that we should pause it until he has more time. I told him if he really wants to go he can go, but if it's just temporary work stress I'm willing to stick it out. I thought he'd take some time to think, but he resumed the communication the next day and put a lot of effort to communicate with me frequently.

 

Just when I thought everything is getting better I saw he changed a picture in a messaging app that he doesn't use and is connected to his old number (so I guess he thought I won't see it). I asked him about it and he said he has been breaking up and getting back with the girl for quite a long time, she asked him to put the picture and he only agreed because he doesn't use the app. He doesn't think it will last and doesn't see future with her.

I was angry, since I see difference in just dating around with others and getting back with an ex. I asked him why did he date me then and he said that they were broken up for a long time when we met. Judging by his behaviour I'd say that's true and she resurfaced 2 weeks ago. I'd say he was genuinly caring about me (at least before).

 

I was coming from a place of anger so I wrote (more a general statement than ultimatum to him): Either you decide you want to forget your ex and start dating others or you decide to dedicate yourself to your ex and drop all the others. He didn't answer (happened 3 days ago).

 

Since he was caring about me and we had a great connection could it be that he is simply confused and made a terrible mistake of not letting me know what the situation is because he thought he could sort things out with her without me knowing or is he plain simple an a**?

Should I hope for/fear for him to come back?

 

I'd really appreciate it if you could make things clearer for me as I'm not objective yet. Thanks

Sorry for a long post

[Iggy5129]

He's not confused. He knows exactly what he's doing.

 

Why do you want to be with a cheater??

[Andrina]

He is now, or totally should be, in your past, so he doesn't deserve a prime spot in your mind. Move on.

[Hollyj]

Write him off. He is a cheater.

[Efica]

As I said, it's only been 3 days and my head is not clear. I guess because theoretically we were such a good match it's so hard to let go.

 

I forgot to mention that we weren't exclusive. I'm angry at him for not telling me what's going on, not for dating someone else (I only care because he's possibly in a relationship with his ex). Since he doesn't see future with her I don't get it why he even deals with her.... He didn't want to specify whether they were together when I found out or he just wanted to deal with her.

Does that change situation or am I just desperatly making excuses?

[Iggy5129]

Why does he need to "deal with" an ex?? She's an EX no more need to "deal". You're just caught in the middle of their drama right now.

 

Are you asking if you should wait around for a man to decide between you and another woman? I would hope you know the answer to that.

 

I understand you are clouded by emotion. We are giving you an outside perspective. From the outside he sounds like a jerk. Guys are not confused if they really like you. Have you ever been confused? Usually if you are it means your interest in the person is pretty low.

 

Find a guy that wants only you and isn't involved in any ex drama.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, and I'm not trying to minimize your pain, but you are desperately making excuses. It appears he already had one foot out the door while attempting to let you down gently, rather than simply coming out with the truth.

 

My guess is he's now stooping to the level of ghosting you. With that said, I would retain my dignity and move on.

[SherrySher]

If he was really into you, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. He wants the ex, and he wants to string you along as well. Don't kid yourself.

You might not have been exclusive but he still found the ex attractive enough of an option to go back to it, even though he had met you.

What are you hoping for here? That he will not want the ex anymore? He does want her and he wants to string you along and take his pick whenever he pleases.

It's not going to change, and if you push it, he will either get rid of you or will stop being so honest to you about still having her in his life.

If you are hoping for a more exclusive relationship, I say move on. You won't find it with this guy.

[Efica]

I know I'm making excuses...

I seriously don't get it why he's throwing away the great potential with me over an ex. I would maybe get it if he were hopeful things would be better this time, but he isn't.

I don't think he was trying to let me down gently, he wasn't trying to let me go at all. In fact he put extra effort into our communication. Hadn't I seen the picture I would've still thought he's the loveliest guy ever.

 

I guess I'm making excuses because I desperately want him to be a good guy who just made terrible choice. I kind of expect him to come when they finish their business (I do NC and I was great to him). If he were a good guy who made a mistake I could forgive him and accept him back.

 

How does one come to peace that you're realistically a better option but you didn't get choosen?

 

I'm sorry I'm so desperate, but I need to get a perspective (and help) here, because most of my friends hope and expect for us to come back "together"

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately "potential" is meaningless. History and emotions/feelings have more meaning than "potential". You have only been dating a very short time and 1/2 of it long distance and you never made it exclusive.

 

It sounds like they never really broke up and he was just dating locally during one of their off times. It would be best to go no contact and block him. He is neither confused nor bad, he's in love with someone else.

I seriously don't get it why he's throwing away the great potential with me over an ex. I desperately want him to be a good guy who just made terrible choice. I kind of expect him to come when they finish their business.

[Efica]

It's hard because I was scanning for the red flags and I couldn't notice them. And I wanted to date slowly with him to make sure that I get over my ex (thanks to this guy I managed that) and if necessary to allow him to get over his ex.

He seemed so caring and into me. He even postponed his moving date because of me, offered for me to go to his homecountry with him and there was everyday mutual emotional support. So sad 1 person can come easily in between. I'd never let my ex come between us.

 

I like your last sentence, beats him being just an a**. Thank you

 

I went NC immediately. Struggling not to send fake drunk text just to see if contact would be resumed.

I know it's bad for me, I'm just venting here

[Hollyj]

have you blocked, and then deleted his number?

[Efica]

No, because I know his number and email by heart

[Hollyj]

If you block then there is no possibility for him to reach you.

 

Stop prolonging this.

[katara42]

 

 

I guess I'm making excuses because I desperately want him to be a good guy who just made terrible choice. I kind of expect him to come when they finish their business (I do NC and I was great to him). If he were a good guy who made a mistake I could forgive him and accept him back.

 

 

Oh my I feel this right down to my toes. I have lived with this false hope so long that the sweetness has turned to ashes in my mouth. All my most heartfelt wishes for your happiness.