Boyfriend on escort/porn websites ??

[venessaoxox]

Am i over thinking this i need someone else's advise.. I have got over the fact that he watches porn but its becoming more frequent and we have a good sex life. I have just seen that he is a member of a couple of porn websites and one website for escorts he has send an email enquiring ' when are you next free ' and she replied after a minute but he didnt reply this was a couple of months ago and i have just seen it. I don't want to make excuses for him and say he didnt reply so he didnt meet her or do anything but how do i really know? i don't know whether to say anything or not because then i will have to explain how i found out how i saw it, which is by going through his laptop. is this cheating? How do i go about this crying my eyes out and i need some advise I've been with my boyfriend for many years and i absolutely adore him the thought of him doing something like this makes me feel sick and that i never even knew the person i thought i was in love with.

 

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

V

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yes it doesn't matter if they met up....yet. What matters is that's he's looking for prostitutes. You must have been looking for a reason.

 

You need to address it and not allow the conversation to veer into the snooping. Just admit to the snooping then ask why is he contacting prostitutes.

he is a member of a couple of one website for escorts he has send an email enquiring ' when are you next free ' and she replied after a minute but he didnt reply. i don't know whether to say anything or not because then i will have to explain how i found out how i saw it.

[charity]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I too would consider this cheating.

[zeino]

So he took a serious step toward meeting with an escort but pulled back in the last minute. People may have different opinions on whether this is cheating or not but he acted out in a way that is beyond the usual limits of people who keep their yearnings to themselves. I think here is something as important. If you tell him to quit this stuff or he will lose you, do you think he is emotionally mature enough to let go and not hold any resentments. Or will you be the woman who got in between his sexual desires and himself, that is, will he see you as a source of resentment? He would probably say no to this if asked but reality may differ and it would be unfair to you.

 

You have learnt something new about the person you adore. Sexually you are not enough for him - even if he compartmentalizes, he is looking for stuff outside. (To me this is the mental beginning of loss of loyalty, that is my personal boundary, yours may differ.). Now you need to understand where he is coming from because you seem to have sexual and other kinds of incompatibility. Rethink about your boundaries and take action.

 

I would leave for my own reasons. here is why: Even if this isn't cheating, even if we agree as a couple to work toward creating a dynamic that satisfies both of us sexually and otherwise, I would feel like competing with ghosts when I'm in bed. I would have questions like is this enough for him now etc. My natural comfort would be taken from me in the most intimate aspect of my life. I wouldn't do this to myself. But then this is my understanding and yours may be different.

[ParisPaulette]

Has anyone been in the situation?

 

Yes, and it turned out great. Once I finally got fed up and booted him out the door and never looked back. Mind you it took me six years to do that, because I was just unexplainably stupid with that particular guy, but still. In the end I chose not to tolerate someone putting my emotional and physical health at risk, so I walked away. Sure I cried and it hurt, but then I found someone who doesn't do those things who is a far better partner AND who doesn't make me feel crappy about myself or make me worry about catching AIDS or something that will hurt me physically. Win-win in my books.

 

Bluntly speaking men and women are good relationship material don't feel the need to "window shop" for outside sex while pretending to be in a monogamous relationship. It's also not "just looking" and anyone who tells you that is gaslighting you. Any partner who tries to tell you that it's okay, because they only sought out and didn't touch is also lying out their backside, because they are psychologically and mentally prepping themselves to get ready to cheat. I believe they call it desensitizing when someone does an unsavory behavior over and over while inching towards greater escalations of unwanted behaviors.

 

My ex pulled every excuse possible out of his backside about "why" he did it, but swore up and down he never went so far as to have sex with that woman. And whooo boy what a lie that turned out to be. He went on to do it to two other women after me, last I heard he's single and can't figure out why I or other exes won't go back with him. Shocker. I'm sorry, but looking at Playboy or downloading a dirty move is normal. They're images, who cares. BUT putting yourself out there to be in contact with real live people one could have sex with? Yeah, that's not normal, that's called laying the groundwork for cheating. Or cheating, because really do you think he is going to tell you any version of the truth about all of this?

 

It is what it is, either be cool with being part of the harem or tell him it's not what you want (you do get a say in the relationship, it's made up of two people remember, so not just his voice counts) and bounce him to the curb. You cannot stop or control his cheating, you can only control your own tolerance or not to it. And yes, that's pretty hardcore behavior, that's not getting drunk and kissing someone at a party, that's actively looking for women who would be willing to have sex with him, paid or unpaid.