Your opinions, please

[TakeTwo]

Hi guys. I need your help to decide whether I am right to feel concerned or I am making something out of nothing and should let it go and be happy. It is not easy to put in few words the whole picture but I will try my best.

 

I just celebrated 8 months of my relationship with guy (C.) who is caring, emotionally available, loving and generally makes me happy. He separated from his common law some 5 years ago, had rebound right after that for 6 months and then took time to be alone. I am his first seriouse partner since after separation. We became exclusive and commited right from the start. We confessed love few months ago; he was first to say that. We are in semi-long distance - 1 hour drive. So meeting often is not in cards. He is very involved dad and his work is time consuming and stressful most of the time. We meet once during week and weekends for longer time to compensate rest of time. When we don't see each other - we text, call and skype. There were serious talks about eventually moving in together and even marriage. Our families are far so meeting them is not simple things. We are both not very social types. During time we are together he met his friends few times for guys only activities. So I haven't met any of his friends yet while he met couple of mine.

 

However there is a "BUT" which is a reason I decided to write here. It is inbalance when it comes to our kids. I have two almost 20 years old kids who are away in universities. They are also my friends and know most of what is going on in my life. They are absolutely fine with fact I am in relationship and being very supportive. The kid who is closer to me met my guy few times, we even went to visit her. Second met once. Both like C. and happy for me.

 

The C. kids are younger (14 and 17). He is very protective of them. The fact the youngest has some sort of depression, anxiety and ADHD doesn't help. I was told they know about me, my name and general details like when we are together and where. The oldest one has my phone number for the emergencies. But I am yet to meet them. I raised this few times, he promised to make this side balanced by the end of this year but there are no particular plans and I suspect it will take a while.

 

So far whenever kids are with me I went to C. place instead of him staying over at mine. Now there are plans to spend Christmas and New Year Eve all of us together - me, him and my kids. Which will of cause lead to us all spend night in my place. I explained that it makes me uncomfortable since I haven't even met his kids. He understood, promissed to take care of it. It was few weeks ago. Nothing has changed. To be honest it does bothers me. However from one side taking in account his youngest kid situation I am not sure what I would have done in his place. On other side I don't like that I am only who brings other partner fully into ones life.

 

What are your thoughts?

[j.man]

I think he's being quite reasonable considering his kids are younger. Not even a year in, I don't think it's necessary to have de-facto family holidays with the girlfriend involved. You've got your family and he's got his. Why not just celebrate with your own?

[Wiseman2]

It's only 8 mos of once a week dating and he may want to take his time introducing women to his kids.

 

Try not to pressure him. He knows them better than you do so let him as their father decide when and how he wants to expose them to his dating life.

 

Focus mainly on your own children and whether his staying when they are there is comfortable for you or for them. Will his children be with their mother or other family during this time?

8 months of my relationship with guy. I have two almost 20 years old kids who are away in universities. The C. kids are younger 14 and 17. He is very protective of them. So far whenever kids are with me I went to C. place instead of him staying over at mine. Now there are plans to spend Christmas and New Year Eve all of us together - me, him and my kids.

[TakeTwo]

It is not about celebration. This is actually covered. We are together on Christmas eve and New Year Eve. All 4 of us. I am not asking or pushing to bring his kids to join us. Not at all. The fact is I haven't met them whicl he is going to sleep with me while kids at their rooms...

 

But this is what I need - other people opinion in this matter. I don't want to ruin something geat by being unreasonable. So thank you.

[TakeTwo]

It's only 8 mos of once a week dating and he may want to take his time introducing women to his kids.

 

Try not to pressure him. He knows them better than you do so let him as their father decide when and how he wants to expose them to his dating life.

 

Focus mainly on your own children and whether his staying when they are there is comfortable for you or for them. Will his children be with their mother or other family during this time?

 

It is not once a week. We have one sleep over once a week then biggest part (if not whole) weekend together. His kids are with thier mom on Christmas eve and he is going there to be with them and his ex family and his sister for the Christmas day. It has became a tradition to host Christmas day dinner together at his ex house. He is the once who cooks.

 

My kids are absolutely fine with whatever is going on. They like him and spending time with him. I had a chat with my kids aboiut it. We are close enough to have this kind open conversation.

[Wiseman2]

That is your decision. Discuss it with your kids or use guest rooms or let him drive home, if you are too uncomfortable after dating only 8 mos. Keep in mind your kids will talk with their dad and their friends.

 

How is that related to meeting his kids? If you are asking if you are moving too fast and over investing while he maintains his boundaries then yes. But all you can do is slow down rather than expect him to accelerate things to your pace.

The fact is I haven't met them whicl he is going to sleep with me while kids at their rooms.

[TakeTwo]

That is your decision. Discuss it with your kids or use guest rooms or let him drive home, if you are too uncomfortable after dating only 8 mos. Keep in mind your kids will talk with their dad and their friends.

 

How is that related to meeting his kids? If you are asking if you are moving too fast and over investing while he maintains his boundaries then yes. But all you can do is slow down rather than expect him to accelerate things to your pace.

 

Hmmm. Interesting thought and ovservation. Thank you. I have never thought we are unequally investing in this relationship. He is the one who has to make the most effort to find time. He was first to raise any serous topic about feelings, plans and intentions. He helps me around my hoiuse ad my kids. He is doing his best to make sure my life is more comfortable (not money investment; I am independent). He comes up equally with plans for our meetings. And we are equally missing each other. The fact I haven't met his kids is only one concern.

 

My kids don't really talk to their dad as he is not involved in thier life as it should be. They met only twice for few hours since they started university the September 2015. Thye don't have any issue to introduce C. as my boyfriend to thier

 

You all helped me when I had an issue with m last relationship and your opinions proved I was right and there is someting wrong. So I am listening very carefully.

[charity]

Two things stand out for me.

First your kids are adults living away independently, his are still kids so I wouldn't compare the situations.

Secondly...what are his reasons for not introducing the kids yet? Have you had an open conversation with him about this or he is he just not following through?

[zeino]

Two things stand out for me.

First your kids are adults living away independently, his are still kids so I wouldn't compare the situations.

Secondly...what are his reasons for not introducing the kids yet? Have you had an open conversation with him about this or he is he just not following through?

 

I second this. I also believe the best way to involve kids is not to see this from a perspective of symmetry or as an indication of equal investment but to try to find what suits each kid within their developmental process and unique needs. That is, if I introduce my partner to my parent, I would like to be introduced to their parent(s) but with kids, I would have standards based on the needs of the kids. 17 and living at home can be significantly different from 18 or 19 and living away by the way.

 

I would not expect to be introduced to his kids at the same time even. With the younger one, it may be more suitable to join one of their activities for a limited amount of time, eat a hamburger and get some sulking

 

If you are uncomfortable with having him over at Christmas under these circumstances, do what makes you comfortable. But I think finding a solution that involves you and your choices only is better because it contains you within your own boundaries without exerting control on other people's choices. That is, I would do less or different instead of asking for more.

 

I would want my partner to introduce me to his kids because he thinks this will be a positive thing for everyone, not to solve a Christmas problem.

[TakeTwo]

Two things stand out for me.

First your kids are adults living away independently, his are still kids so I wouldn't compare the situations.

Secondly...what are his reasons for not introducing the kids yet? Have you had an open conversation with him about this or he is he just not following through?

 

I agree that situation is not equal so that is why my kids were introduced to him a while back.

 

I did asked him openly. He keeps telling that it is his protective mind. That he is worried that how his kids will take if they meet me and my kids and like us all. Then if something happened and we are not together and that will be their lose. Then he stated that he should face his fear and just do it. But so far no plans. I am a bit annoyed that few weeks ago I did told him that I am being uncomfortable leaving him to sleep with me with kids in the house while I haven't met his and he seemed to be determined to fix it. Yesterday we talked how there is Christmas in 2 weeks. I said he doesn't have time to balance anymore. He said he should see his kids' schedule for the Holidays. Which tells me there are no plans for this happenning before Christmas.

[TakeTwo]

I second this. I also believe the best way to involve kids is not to see this from a perspective of symmetry or as an indication of equal investment but to try to find what suits each kid within their developmental process and unique needs. That is, if I introduce my partner to my parent, I would like to be introduced to their parent(s) but with kids, I would have standards based on the needs of the kids. 17 and living at home can be significantly different from 18 or 19 and living away by the way.

 

I would not expect to be introduced to his kids at the same time even. With the younger one, it may be more suitable to join one of their activities for a limited amount of time, eat a hamburger and get some sulking

 

If you are uncomfortable with having him over at Christmas under these circumstances, do what makes you comfortable. But I think finding a solution that involves you and your choices only is better because it contains you within your own boundaries without exerting control on other people's choices. That is, I would do less or different instead of asking for more.

 

I would want my partner to introduce me to his kids because he thinks this will be a positive thing for everyone, not to solve a Christmas problem.

 

I totally understand your point. And I am mom myself and I get his hesitation ... to certain degree. This is why it wasn't an issue till recently. When he has no issue with staying over in my house with kids while having a huge issue to let me meet them. I don't care when, how or for how long. I am not expecting his kids to come visit me any time soon. It came as "hey, I am uncomfortable with your sleep over when I haven't even met yours. It feels very unbalanced". The reply was - we will make it balanced by the end of the year. That was few weeks ago.

 

To be honest, there is a some. He finally added me to FB. And he gave my phone number to his oldest just in case something happened with him I will at least notified.

 

And yes, I understood what you and others are suggesting. Actually I have made the decision to slow down. I will explain exaclty why I am changing our plans. I am not going to raise that topic anymore before the talk and after that. Will see how that will go.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with Zeino's excellent post. The power of balance is in your hands. It would be best to take his sleeping over off the table for many reasons. Your kid has only briefly met him.

 

Do you really want your kids to meet him in his robe? Do you really want a man you've been dating only months hanging around your daughter in her pajamas? To them he's just some guy mom's been dating a few months.

 

Why not have him visit for the holiday then go home at night and alternatively go to his place if you insist on sleeping together. Your kids may be "your friends" but in reality you are their parent and they are your kids. What image would you like to portray to them about random guys sleeping over?

 

You are wise to slow things down to his more protective style of parenting, maybe he's teaching you something about dating as single parent and boundaries and kids.

It came as "hey, I am uncomfortable with your sleep over when I haven't even met yours. It feels very unbalanced".

[TakeTwo]

Hey guys. You are all right. No arguments here. That is why I said I have made the decision to cancel his sleep over at my place on Christmas Eve. Even though there would be no going "hanging in pajamas" because he would be leaving before kids are up. But regardless - you all confirmed my uncomfort is not just because it is me. That was the reason I took to this forum. I needed to hear other people and I didn't want to bring it up to any of my friends.

 

So thank you a lot.

[notalady]

I agree that situation is not equal so that is why my kids were introduced to him a while back.

 

I did asked him openly. He keeps telling that it is his protective mind. That he is worried that how his kids will take if they meet me and my kids and like us all. Then if something happened and we are not together and that will be their lose. Then he stated that he should face his fear and just do it. But so far no plans. I am a bit annoyed that few weeks ago I did told him that I am being uncomfortable leaving him to sleep with me with kids in the house while I haven't met his and he seemed to be determined to fix it. Yesterday we talked how there is Christmas in 2 weeks. I said he doesn't have time to balance anymore. He said he should see his kids' schedule for the Holidays. Which tells me there are no plans for this happenning before Christmas.

 

His reasons are completely legitimate. This tells me he doesn't feel like you're here to stay for sure just yet, therefore introducing you to his kids may risk having to explain later why you're no longer around. I think that's fine after only 8 months. After a year might be when the relationship stabilises more and when he may feel more confident that you are here to stay and feel more comfortable about introducing you to his kids.

[zeino]

I totally understand your point. And I am mom myself and I get his hesitation ... to certain degree. This is why it wasn't an issue till recently. When he has no issue with staying over in my house with kids while having a huge issue to let me meet them. I don't care when, how or for how long. I am not expecting his kids to come visit me any time soon. It came as "hey, I am uncomfortable with your sleep over when I haven't even met yours. It feels very unbalanced". The reply was - we will make it balanced by the end of the year. That was few weeks ago.

 

To be honest, there is a some. He finally added me to FB. And he gave my phone number to his oldest just in case something happened with him I will at least notified.

 

And yes, I understood what you and others are suggesting. Actually I have made the decision to slow down. I will explain exaclty why I am changing our plans. I am not going to raise that topic anymore before the talk and after that. Will see how that will go.

 

I understand you, too. And your expectation is fair. Only the timing and execution seems to be going slower than you wish it would. It may be because of his fears of failure (rational or irrational) as well and that would not be about you at all. And he seems to be doing good things like adding you to FB and sharing your number with the elder child. I think it all sounds positive, albeit a bit slow for you.

 

I think the fault here is not yours only. So, you voiced a concern. To solve the Christmas problem, to be able stay there and to please you, he seems to have gone out of his original boundary (this can be done too) but it seems that he isn't very comfortable with the solution. He could equally say "Then I'd rather stay in my own place at Christmas." Basically, he is trying to make you happy actually. However, if he is expected to perform more than he is ready for, this may cause resentment maybe. Equally, sometimes benefit from direct requests, it helps them move to another level if they are stuck somewhere but doing this around Christmas may be too risky - IMHO.

 

If you decide to slow down, I reckon you may benefit from doing so with a soft critique of yourself, owning your own responsibility because otherwise he may feel like he is being punished. This is natural and results from the expectation being measured with some direct criteria. This may feel like he has not only failed but also his chance for success has been taken from him. He may feel both relief and punishment. I know you don't intend this but I think many people are prone to feeling like this. Both of you may be affected and it may be unfair to both of you. You can make him understand that you are slowing down not to reject or punish him but to be in more synch with him so that both parts feel comfortable with what's going on. I think kindly, lovingly letting go has its own power. It makes us more independent, more empowered. And we learn to practise satisfaction through different things so if things don't result in the way we wished for, it doesn't hurt that much.

 

All the best,

[TakeTwo]

I understand you, too. And your expectation is fair. Only the timing and execution seems to be going slower than you wish it would. It may be because of his fears of failure (rational or irrational) as well and that would not be about you at all. And he seems to be doing good things like adding you to FB and sharing your number with the elder child. I think it all sounds positive, albeit a bit slow for you.

 

I think the fault here is not yours only. So, you voiced a concern. To solve the Christmas problem, to be able stay there and to please you, he seems to have gone out of his original boundary (this can be done too) but it seems that he isn't very comfortable with the solution. He could equally say "Then I'd rather stay in my own place at Christmas." Basically, he is trying to make you happy actually. However, if he is expected to perform more than he is ready for, this may cause resentment maybe. Equally, sometimes benefit from direct requests, it helps them move to another level if they are stuck somewhere but doing this around Christmas may be too risky - IMHO.

 

If you decide to slow down, I reckon you may benefit from doing so with a soft critique of yourself, owning your own responsibility because otherwise he may feel like he is being punished. This is natural and results from the expectation being measured with some direct criteria. This may feel like he has not only failed but also his chance for success has been taken from him. He may feel both relief and punishment. I know you don't intend this but I think many people are prone to feeling like this. Both of you may be affected and it may be unfair to both of you. You can make him understand that you are slowing down not to reject or punish him but to be in more synch with him so that both parts feel comfortable with what's going on. I think kindly, lovingly letting go has its own power. It makes us more independent, more empowered. And we learn to practise satisfaction through different things so if things don't result in the way we wished for, it doesn't hurt that much.

 

All the best,

 

This is an interesting point which actually made me a bit worried. He is trying to make me happy. And all things concerned - he is the best relationship I have ever had. We can have very difficult conversation and yet to to come to solution. So far at least. However this topic is going to be sort of my fault because I (assuming to be able to meet his kids) offered the plan. Now I am going to take it back and I need to find the right words to explain. I am sure he will understand and respect it. But I want to do it very carefully. So I need your help with it please. As well as others of cause.

 

I was thinking to say something in the sense...

 

"I would love to have you with me that night but I can't shake the feeling that we are not equally investing in this relationship. While I am being fully in and going head down, you keep your boundaries very strongly. Said that, I am not very comfortable with your sleep over while my kids are in the same house. So I have decided to take a step back till we are on the same level."

 

Does it sound like critic? Can it be delivered in softer terms?

[notalady]

That sounds to me like you're withdrawing your investment in the relationship, sounds pretty harsh to be honest.

 

So he is still coming for Christmas just not staying over correct?

 

I would say something like "I respect your boundary when it comes to your kids, and I apologise if it feels like I was pushing you to do something you're not yet ready to do. This inspired me to rethink my boundaries when it comes to my kids as well and I think that it would be a good idea for us to slow down in that regard since you've only met my kids a couple of times. So I'd love for us to still have a Christmas dinner together as planned but can we please cancel the sleepover for this time?"

[zeino]

This is an interesting point which actually made me a bit worried. He is trying to make me happy. And all things concerned - he is the best relationship I have ever had. We can have very difficult conversation and yet to to come to solution. So far at least. However this topic is going to be sort of my fault because I (assuming to be able to meet his kids) offered the plan. Now I am going to take it back and I need to find the right words to explain. I am sure he will understand and respect it. But I want to do it very carefully. So I need your help with it please. As well as others of cause.

 

I was thinking to say something in the sense...

 

"I would love to have you with me that night but I can't shake the feeling that we are not equally investing in this relationship. While I am being fully in and going head down, you keep your boundaries very strongly. Said that, I am not very comfortable with your sleep over while my kids are in the same house. So I have decided to take a step back till we are on the same level."

 

Does it sound like critic? Can it be delivered in softer terms?

 

I will give it a try but my wording can be unnatural (I'm not a native speaker). I trust your skills

 

So here is how I would do this. Everyone's character differs but I would go for something more based on speaking and mutually discovering than just stating my exact boundary. I would state the basic principles of problem solving from my side and what I need, but leave the rest open and keep myself open to the info that comes from him. And no matter what, I would suggest an alternative activity after Christmas. Like, let's forget about kiddies and have fun for a weeken/x time, I really need this with you etc. (Of course if you really need or want this.) I would also find my clear boundary in this. Do I choose to execute the new boundaries/slowing down after this Christmas because Christmas has already been arranged, or do I need this to start right now, with this Christmas?

 

Also, I would choose a friendly dinner out or smt and would continue with other kinds of friendly talk (if he does this) trying to show that this is not the ultimate issue in this relationship.

 

So I would say, "I have thought about the Chrismas issue and want to speak to you about it because I have thought about my own actions and want to share what I found with you."

 

This will lessen the defensive because if you just say you want to talk, he may be thinking it is about his behaviour due to how this stuff has developed.

 

So he reciprocates...

 

I would say "We have been talking about me meeting the kids and this Christmas seems to have become like a test for this. I don't like this. You are the best relationship I have ever had and I want it to continue smoothly without causing stress to either of us. The Christmas and everything around it has started to occupy too much space in our relationship, perhaps stressing both of us. Are you stressed up too, or am I the only one?"

 

He reciprocates.

 

Then you share your stresses.

 

Your stress, (here is where you need to soften it perhaps): I know we are both invested in this relationship and I want to thank you for everything you have done so far to make me more of a part of your life. I appreciate it. I have realized (no "But I have realized) that we have a different speed of doing this and maybe I put pressure on you expecting you to move with my speed. Am I right in thinking this?"

 

You listen. And say sorry if he says he feels pressurized.

 

"Would you be more comfortable if I stopped seeing this Christmas and me meeting your kids around this time as an indicator of intimacy in our relationship?"

 

You listen.

 

If he wants this from you, then you say "I think I can do this. And I need your help/support in smt. too. I need us to make me comfortable in something." Then you state your point. "I want to synch with you in this. Not just for you but for myself as well. If I feel that I'm doing more in terms of inclusion, it can make me feel uncomfortable. I will feel like I'm doing more. This may not be fully true, but I know I will feel this and want to prevent whatever negativity it may bring to our relationship. This isn't about you. It's about me. I hope you understand this. I want us to work on growing closer but in terms of inclusion, I want to stand exactly where you stand. How would you feel about this?"

 

If he isn't OK, he's gotta come up with a solution that makes both of you comfortable and you can help him with this. But it's important for you to remember what you need and no go back from your boundary.

 

Then you talk about this solution, or what you want for this Christmas (I feel it may be better for me if we do x.y.z). What I really want is that we leave this behind and find other things that will bring us together. Then offer your alternative activity.

 

I don't know how you are with putting up these boundaries in general. In this particular one, you are moving one step back, which means you are taking something back from him - his access to your family is now more limited. I don't know how he will feel about this but it may be hard for you to do this as well. Sometimes we feel guilt, sometimes we feel bad because we fear that they will take affection back, or sometimes we feel too good thinking that this is a nice little revenge. If you feel bad, I think no harm in sharing this feeling and asking for assurance - but very briefly and without pathologizing the situation. You both may admit that it is new for both of you and getting used to it may take some time. Focus on the positive intention, you want this relationship to develop well, with both parties comfortable.

 

I would drop the issue of meeting his kids. Not mention it. Observe what he is doing. When I hit the one year mark, I would bring this up again, within a general framework of how our relationship is going. This time, I would be more clear about my expectations and consequences (if I need to give them.)

 

I hope this helps.

[notalady]

That sounds to me like you're withdrawing your investment in the relationship, sounds pretty harsh to be honest.

 

So he is still coming for Christmas just not staying over correct?

 

I would say something like "I respect your boundary when it comes to your kids, and I apologise if it feels like I was pushing you to do something you're not yet ready to do. This inspired me to rethink my boundaries when it comes to my kids as well and I think that it would be a good idea for us to slow down in that regard since you've only met my kids a couple of times. So I'd love for us to still have a Christmas dinner together as planned but can we please cancel the sleepover for this time?"

 

To add to my post, I would keep it as short as possible while getting your point across. I wouldn't over explain or put the issue in the spotlight more than it already is. All he needs to know is that you respect his boundaries and aren't pushing him anymore, but at the same time, drawing your own boundaries around this.

[TakeTwo]

That sounds to me like you're withdrawing your investment in the relationship, sounds pretty harsh to be honest.

 

So he is still coming for Christmas just not staying over correct?

 

I would say something like "I respect your boundary when it comes to your kids, and I apologise if it feels like I was pushing you to do something you're not yet ready to do. This inspired me to rethink my boundaries when it comes to my kids as well and I think that it would be a good idea for us to slow down in that regard since you've only met my kids a couple of times. So I'd love for us to still have a Christmas dinner together as planned but can we please cancel the sleepover for this time?"

 

The plan wasn't only to spend Christmas evening together but he offered to pick up my son from Toronto (he lives there), bring him home and possibly stay from Friday night till Sunday morning. I have to back it as well.

 

I haven't talked to C. yet about those changes. I am leaving it till we meet face to face. I deinately don't want to withdraw anything. All I want is to feel uncomfortable.

 

The thing is he met my daughter quite few times. There was the situation when he offered to come, pick us up and take us to airport. When I told this to my kid she said "of course he should come on Friday and stay with us till Saturday morning." She really likes C. (it ended up differently because she staied at her friends on Friday). I talked to her anyway asking how she'd feel. She said not to be silly and it is all ok. My son met him only once so far. I also know C. is trying his hardest to build relationship with my kids. Many evidences are to prove it.

 

To be honest I am sad the plans are going to change. But I am sure he will understand. I just need to find a right wording. And I think you have very good suggestion. Many thanks.

[zeino]

Also, I'm thinking, inclusion is not just about children. If he doesn't introduce you to his children, does he have access to your friends for instance?

[TakeTwo]

I will give it a try but my wording can be unnatural (I'm not a native speaker). I trust your skills

 

So here is how I would do this. Everyone's character differs but I would go for something more based on speaking and mutually discovering than just stating my exact boundary. I would state the basic principles of problem solving from my side and what I need, but leave the rest open and keep myself open to the info that comes from him. And no matter what, I would suggest an alternative activity after Christmas. Like, let's forget about kiddies and have fun for a weeken/x time, I really need this with you etc. (Of course if you really need or want this.) I would also find my clear boundary in this. Do I choose to execute the new boundaries/slowing down after this Christmas because Christmas has already been arranged, or do I need this to start right now, with this Christmas?

 

Also, I would choose a friendly dinner out or smt and would continue with other kinds of friendly talk (if he does this) trying to show that this is not the ultimate issue in this relationship.

 

So I would say, "I have thought about the Chrismas issue and want to speak to you about it because I have thought about my own actions and want to share what I found with you."

 

This will lessen the defensive because if you just say you want to talk, he may be thinking it is about his behaviour due to how this stuff has developed.

 

So he reciprocates...

 

I would say "We have been talking about me meeting the kids and this Christmas seems to have become like a test for this. I don't like this. You are the best relationship I have ever had and I want it to continue smoothly without causing stress to either of us. The Christmas and everything around it has started to occupy too much space in our relationship, perhaps stressing both of us. Are you stressed up too, or am I the only one?"

 

He reciprocates.

 

Then you share your stresses.

 

Your stress, (here is where you need to soften it perhaps): I know we are both invested in this relationship and I want to thank you for everything you have done so far to make me more of a part of your life. I appreciate it. I have realized (no "But I have realized) that we have a different speed of doing this and maybe I put pressure on you expecting you to move with my speed. Am I right in thinking this?"

 

You listen. And say sorry if he says he feels pressurized.

 

"Would you be more comfortable if I stopped seeing this Christmas and me meeting your kids around this time as an indicator of intimacy in our relationship?"

 

You listen.

 

If he wants this from you, then you say "I think I can do this. And I need your help/support in smt. too. I need us to make me comfortable in something." Then you state your point. "I want to synch with you in this. Not just for you but for myself as well. If I feel that I'm doing more in terms of inclusion, it can make me feel uncomfortable. I will feel like I'm doing more. This may not be fully true, but I know I will feel this and want to prevent whatever negativity it may bring to our relationship. This isn't about you. It's about me. I hope you understand this. I want us to work on growing closer but in terms of inclusion, I want to stand exactly where you stand. How would you feel about this?"

 

If he isn't OK, he's gotta come up with a solution that makes both of you comfortable and you can help him with this. But it's important for you to remember what you need and no go back from your boundary.

 

Then you talk about this solution, or what you want for this Christmas (I feel it may be better for me if we do x.y.z). What I really want is that we leave this behind and find other things that will bring us together. Then offer your alternative activity.

 

I don't know how you are with putting up these boundaries in general. In this particular one, you are moving one step back, which means you are taking something back from him - his access to your family is now more limited. I don't know how he will feel about this but it may be hard for you to do this as well. Sometimes we feel guilt, sometimes we feel bad because we fear that they will take affection back, or sometimes we feel too good thinking that this is a nice little revenge. If you feel bad, I think no harm in sharing this feeling and asking for assurance - but very briefly and without pathologizing the situation. You both may admit that it is new for both of you and getting used to it may take some time. Focus on the positive intention, you want this relationship to develop well, with both parties comfortable.

 

I would drop the issue of meeting his kids. Not mention it. Observe what he is doing. When I hit the one year mark, I would bring this up again, within a general framework of how our relationship is going. This time, I would be more clear about my expectations and consequences (if I need to give them.)

 

I hope this helps.

 

Wow! That was great! You and Notalady are just God sent! (Somehow I am replying backwards

I am going to take all of what you said and put together something which hopefully will make us stronger.

 

I am definately going to drop meeting his kids subject for a while. To be honest I do prefer to spend time with just him. Being single parent is not making everything possible. And my kids actually asked to meet him. They both liked him and it is thankfully mutual. So I don't regret introducing them. Opposite - I am glad. Rest will take time in it's own turn.

 

I can't thank you all enough. You took some burden from my shoulder.

 

P.S. Don't trust my skills. I am not a native English speaker either.

[TakeTwo]

Also, I'm thinking, inclusion is not just about children. If he doesn't introduce you to his children, does he have access to your friends for instance?

 

When it comes to friends and family it is more relaxed. His family is in other provinces. He just came back from visiting them. But there are talks to take me there during summer (winter is a bit difficult to arrange it). My mom (I don`t have any family here) is coming this summer from abroad and he offered to take care of cottage for all of us to stay in.

 

He met my best friend (I arranged it) and couple others when we went to dance together. I am yet to meet his but I am not bothered by that. He is not meeting them either besides some watching sport activities which I don`t do. And this is very seldom and guys only.

 

So bottom line - kids are the only side of our relationship which is more complicated (expected).

 

And bwt, I have told him many time his is the best guy I have ever dealt with (very true). He said very similar things about me. Which makes us both try harder to work things out.

[catfeeder]

Frankly, I'd put off the kids thing for as long as possible, especially with kids that age. The two of you are talking about moving in together. But he lives with them, correct? At least joint custody? That's a whole can of worms, and your guy knows it.

 

I could see moving closer to one another, but moving 'in' with kids that age? That's probably the biggest stressor any relationship can endure--for all involved.

 

Who intends to tell these kids that they'll have zero choice in THAT matter?

 

Teenagers are notoriously selfish and territorial. They may appear to have adult bodies, but in most cases they haven't yet learned the adult graces of thinking beyond themselves. Your guy is already living with them, and he knows who he's dealing with.

 

Unless and until those kids ask about his GF and WANT to meet 'her,' I'd back off of that particular avenue. There's just no need to go there when the guy is willing to spend time with you and yours. The whole moving in thing isn't likely to sit well with his kids, and he already has problems with the one who has problems, and possibly the other one, too.

 

If you want to break this thing, keep pressing to involve his kids. Your guy is sitting in the middle of a tug of war, and unless you put down your side of the rope, this isn't likely to last for long.

 

Head high, enjOy your relationship, and consider making the kind of plans that won't combust all over you.

[TakeTwo]

Frankly, I'd put off the kids thing for as long as possible, especially with kids that age. The two of you are talking about moving in together. But he lives with them, correct? At least joint custody? That's a whole can of worms, and your guy knows it.

 

I could see moving closer to one another, but moving 'in' with kids that age? That's probably the biggest stressor any relationship can endure--for all involved.

 

Who intends to tell these kids that they'll have zero choice in THAT matter?

 

Teenagers are notoriously selfish and territorial. They may appear to have adult bodies, but in most cases they haven't yet learned the adult graces of thinking beyond themselves. Your guy is already living with them, and he knows who he's dealing with.

 

Unless and until those kids ask about his GF and WANT to meet 'her,' I'd back off of that particular avenue. There's just no need to go there when the guy is willing to spend time with you and yours. The whole moving in thing isn't likely to sit well with his kids, and he already has problems with the one who has problems, and possibly the other one, too.

 

If you want to break this thing, keep pressing to involve his kids. Your guy is sitting in the middle of a tug of war, and unless you put down your side of the rope, this isn't likely to last for long.

 

Head high, enjOy your relationship, and consider making the kind of plans that won't combust all over you.

 

Thank you for your comment.

 

He is not living with them. It is a shared custody (very sporadic, depending on kids' wish to take a break from their mom or have fun with dad) and he is very involved dad (which is a big plus for me and another reason I love him). I don't think there is going to be a lot of problems with blending our kids. It just needs more time. On his side.

 

I am agreeing with you as well as with others - I am backing up from this topic. I also agree his kids should want to meet me. And to be very honest - I am not in any rush to meet them. The only reason I seemed to be pressing it was because of those Holiday's plans. I had a certain vision of ideal holiday dinner but accepting now that timing for it is yet to come. I am hoping to have the dinner together with my kids, their friends and us. I also hope the weather will cooperate and won't add any complication in the form of storm. If yes, we will play by the ear.

 

So I am going to take my time to fully integrate him with my kids.

 

Moving closer is not simple or making any sense. That would mean most likely me selling my house because I have flexibility with work and kids as well. But this is financially silly because we both want full partnership as a final goal and just moving together would be an addition unnecessary extra spending. So we have two options - keep having this long distance for a while till we are very sure we are ready to live together and move in or break up eventually. Because long distance is already hard enough.