age difference - 36 y and 21 y

[usuario]

hi all,

 

I am a 36 year old guy and there is this lovely, cute, very grown up, fun girl. I like her a lot. So I want to ask her out. What is stopping me you would say? She is 21 years old... and this 15 year age gap (at our ages) is bothering me. What are your thoughts people - should I forget about her or shouldn't I be bothered about it? And why?

 

thanks a million!

[Batya33]

If she were 30 would you still refer to her as a "girl"?

[Wiseman2]

Do you work together? Context matters more than age. How do you know her? Does she have a bf, for example?

hi all,I am a 36 year old guy and there is this lovely, cute, very grown up, fun girl.She is 21 years old.

[Fudgie]

Both partners have to be fine with the age gap. If one or both partners are bothered by it, then it's not going to work. You will face scrutiny and crap from other people so if you're not feeling good about the gap, you won't do well standing up to others.

[usuario]

thanks Batya33 for your reply. It happens that i refer to women at my age 'girls'. But i wouldn't refer to this specific girl as a woman if that is what you are after. Any thoughts? thanks!

[usuario]

hi Wiseman2, We know each other from some leisure project we are working on - so just fun. No work context, not really friends in coming, no partners involved. No children, little baggage from my side. An ideal situation as far as I know, except for the age then.

[Batya33]

thanks Batya33 for your reply. It happens that i refer to women at my age 'girls'. But i wouldn't refer to this specific girl as a woman if that is what you are after. Any thoughts? thanks!

 

I think the age/stage of life is too different.

You seem like a thoughtful boy.

[usuario]

thanks Fudgie - those are the exact thoughts haunting me regarding this girl.

[Wiseman2]

The only way you'll know is to ask for a noncommittal coffee after one of these leisure projects and get to chat somewhat outside of this activity.

We know each other from some leisure project we are working on - so just fun. No work context

[Fesfas]

The age gap in and by itself isn't a big deal (in my humble opinion). What's maybe more of a head-scratcher for me is that she is only 21. She's just a kid. A very mature, responsible kid, maybe, but a kid nonetheless. Do you remember what you were like when you were 21? However intelligent and insightful she might seem (and she probably is both), she is still just a young person with very limited life experience (unless she is a real life Dougie Howser or something). I can't imagine that she has even the slightest idea what she wants from life yet because her life has barely just started. You, on the other hand, are far more experienced, seasoned and wise. You are still relatively young in the big scheme of things, but whereas you have a clue, she most likely has none.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh and a bit judgmental. If it feels right to you then I say go for it. But I just can't imagine a scenario in which something like this works out for both parties involved. Good luck! Hope I didn't offend you.

[usuario]

hi Fesfas, Thanks a million - not going around the bush is exactly what I came here for! Within 30 minutes on this forum I have got what I came for - Good and solid advice from you guys. I need to forget about this lady and go for some drinks with my mates now

[j.man]

It happens that i refer to women at my age 'girls'. But i wouldn't refer to this specific girl as a woman if that is what you are after.

Honestly, that's kinda creepy, dude.

[rosephase]

I started dating my partner who is 17 years older than me when I was 21. We've been together for 11 years. I love the hell out of him. And with that said the idea of dating a 21 year old now (I'm 32) sounds silly. So yeah... it can work...

 

I think one of things that made it work for my partner and I is that we were in similar places in our lives. We wanted the same things (To be co-habituating and have a lot of close friends, to go out and play and to be in a polyamorous relationship, neither of us wanted children or marriage)... age comes into play a lot more if you want things like marriage or children.

[Ms Darcy]

The age gap matters a lot in the context of life experience. If you are hoping to settle down soon, it might be wiser to pursue someone closer to your age who also has that interest.

 

I cannot tell you how many 30 something year old guys come on here heartbroken after their early 20s girlfriend dumped them because she wasn't ready to settle down. The red flag is that you have to say she is GROWN UP or MATURE.

[Rising100]

Lol so many people get so butthurt over the age difference.

So someone the same age for her or your age for you will surely be honest, caring, faithful, not cheat, understanding, never selfish, etc etc... got it. Nope.

Im sure she has to love cooking, have a big ass and a small waist. You must have a six pack, make lots of money and drive and understand women. Then you two are perfect.

 

Look, give it a try. Sure there is an age difference but that doesnt make you creepy and it doesnt make her a female with issues. And YES you can call her "girl", call her your babygirl if you want to, baby her and spoil her when she is down too.

Give it a try.

[Batya33]

Lol so many people get so butthurt over the age difference.

So someone the same age for her or your age for you will surely be honest, caring, faithful, not cheat, understanding, never selfish, etc etc... got it. Nope.

Im sure she has to love cooking, have a big ass and a small waist. You must have a six pack, make lots of money and drive and understand women. Then you two are perfect.

 

Look, give it a try. Sure there is an age difference but that doesnt make you creepy and it doesnt make her a female with issues. And YES you can call her "girl", call her your babygirl if you want to, baby her and spoil her when she is down too.

Give it a try.

 

Of course he can -if she is the type of woman who enjoys being objectified and infantilized.

[divorce1982]

Hi! Great post! I don't think you should feel bad about it. If you two have a few common interests go for it. Who know, perhaps she can turn you on to some new things and vise versa. Go for it!!!

[Ms Darcy]

Of course he can -if she is the type of woman who enjoys being objectified and infantilized.

 

Stop using big words!

[Rising100]

Of course he can -if she is the type of woman who enjoys being objectified and infantilized.

Well why be so negative over this, why the hate?

Some women do like being called baby, girl, babygirl, etc. Its not objectifying or infantilizing, its just a way to express love, desire, attraction, etc.

I been called daddy (even tho Im not a dad), sexy, papi, chubby boy (even tho Im not fat), and so many other things but its been done in a caring and sweet way. Please no complaining, theres enough negative people in the world already.

[90_hour_sleep]

no one knows how it'll turn out...ever. doesn't matter who...or how old. i think the ''naysayers'' are only aiming to manage your expectations. fair enough. probability-wise...maybe it's not a sure win. well, whatever. maybe it'll be the best thing that ever happens to you. gotta roll the dice once in awhile. this wold is full of people who always play it safe...and wonder why there's no thrills in life.

 

i thought of a couple i know right away. she's 40...has a 10-year old son...established. he's 23...barely had a relationship...still loves to party. they've been together for a few years. just had a baby. and they jive. i mean...they really get along. and...they're at totally different places in their lives. sometimes it doesn't matter. they have conflicts like any other couple...some of them are related to the age-difference...most of them aren't. funny thing...the guy (man?) has actually taught the girl (woman?) -- holy semantics -- how to communicate better in a relationship. go figure. she has loads more life experience...but he just lays it out there plain...and she really appreciates it. will they last forever? no idea. does that even matter? that's pretty dependent on the people involved. you never know what someone else can teach you...or how he/she can add value to your existence. ya...maybe the odds aren't so good. so what.

 

be realistic. manage expectations. and relax (and these are all things you should aim for regardless of the person, in my opinion).

[tiredofvampires]

I regularly interchange the words, "girl" and "woman." Sometimes I even call older women "girls". I've even heard elderly men refer to their love partners as "my girl." I think we've all heard those terms. To me, "girl" suggests someone youthful, but it doesn't have to be physical or chronological youth.

 

But if you don't also think of her as a woman, that's a little more questionable. That suggests to me that you see her as immature in some substantive way. I think the issue isn't so much the age, but the level of maturity a given individual has, and along with that, knowing what one wants. I've met some very charming men many years my junior, with whom I shared many interests and views, but in the 20's, especially early 20's, there is a lot of figuring out where one is headed and what one really wants. You're really just fresh into being grown up, and you say this "girl" doesn't seem grown up to you yet? I don't think that bodes too well.

 

This kind of depends, then, on what YOU want and are looking for. Are you looking for someone who is clear what she wants and has insight into navigating relationships? You might not find that here if you don't see her as grown up. Are you looking for something serious? If so, be prepared that this may not have staying power.

 

But if you're looking to explore something without a need for clear intent, then what's to stop you?

 

It's almost impossible, I find, to get into something involving my heart and think, "If it gets too painful or messy, I'll just get real about it and face that it has to end" and follow through with that. I always think I'll have more "good sense" when my heart is still not too invested. Just be aware that whatever good sense you think you might have now, once you're involved, will probably be harder to negotiate without heartbreak.

 

I'm not saying don't take that risk. Just be clear about the stakes, your intentions, what you want, what you don't want, and act with those realizations in mind. It's pretty hard, if not impossible, to know what she's capable of or how she will evolve, but if you know a bit about yourself and your vision at this point in your life, use that as your guide.

[Batya33]

I think when men refer to women as girls in this context (but likely would not self-refer as "boy") it has a belittling connotation.

 

Totally valid if he wants to date her -I agree- I think the life stages at these ages would make it very difficult as a meaningful relationship.

[Batya33]

Well why be so negative over this, why the hate?

Some women do like being called baby, girl, babygirl, etc. Its not objectifying or infantilizing, its just a way to express love, desire, attraction, etc.

I been called daddy (even tho Im not a dad), sexy, papi, chubby boy (even tho Im not fat), and so many other things but its been done in a caring and sweet way. Please no complaining, theres enough negative people in the world already.

 

Well - no - your opinion was he should call her that whether or not she liked it and "baby" her.

 

"YES you can call her "girl", call her your babygirl if you want to, baby her. "

 

I replied that it's fine if she is into that sort of thing and yes, my opinion is that if a woman enjoys that from someone who is a stranger or near stranger (as opposed to an established relationship where it's an endearment, an inside thing/joke) then that woman likely doesn't have healthy self-esteem. With exceptions. A man who would refer to a woman that way without knowing her and wanting to know whether that's ok with her would likely be acting in a disrespectful way.

 

I wasn't "complaining" any more than you were ranting about the freedom to call people whatever you feel like - and certainly if you want to increase negativity in the world then refer to women you don't know well in those terms and treat them like "babies" because of some idea you have that women like to be babied or "spoiled".