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Advice on my feelings for a girl


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I moved to Las Angeles in 2011 for college. Here, I met a girl, Jenn, within the first week of moving in, and we have been extremely close since. We even dated for a brief moment (a couple months) our Junior year, but broke it off to not risk ruining our friend group (we all had the same mutual friends at the time).


The thing with Jenn is, she has been the one constant in my life since I moved to California. Every single friend group I’ve been a part of, I have invited her into. Every trip I’ve done with friends, I’ve invited her to (even when she knew nobody else in attendance). She is the one person I feel I can depend on most in this city, and it gives me comfort to know that she’ll always be there for me.


In the past year, however, I’ve sensed a change in this. One of my friends at work, Dan, met Jenn and her roommate at a halloween party I invited him to (my college friends were the primary invitees). Dan started hanging out with me Jenn and her roommate much more since then, and now, the four of us have since become very close. We do everything together — have even gone on trips to to the east coast, down to Mexico, and even to Germany.


I’ve sensed that Dan was into Jenn, especially in the past few months, so I asked him during one of the trips when the girls were on their own. He admitted it, and it eventually got out to Jenn that this was the case after Dan talked to her roommate about it. Her roommate - who Jenn tells everything - told him she thinks it’ll all eventually work out between him and Jenn…


I asked Jenn a couple months ago if she was into Dan, and she said absolutely not and that she still had feelings for me. I told her at this stage in our lives, I think our core group of friends should take priority right now, but that I definitely still had feelings for her too. However, in these two months, I’ve noticed that there has been a lot more communication between her and Dan. They are texting nonstop. They arrive to my parties and leave at the same time as each other. They have stayed up all night until 6am talking before. Dan no longer seems to want to hang out with me and my friends unless she is there as well — at which point he gets there very quickly.


Part of me thinks that I was never truly into Jenn, otherwise I would have pushed for dating her over maintaining a friend group. In this light, maybe she was always just an amazing friend. However, what is concerning me the most is that I feel an extreme sense of jealousy when I see her texting him in front of me, when I come to know they have been hanging out with me present, or when he talks about her to me (I do try to also be supportive of him since he is one of my closest friends right now). However all of these things just kill me inside. Last month I was extremely depressed about the whole situation and felt more helplessness than I ever have in my life. I don’t know if this jealousy stems from strong feelings I have for her, or if they are just from knowing that Jenn may not be interested in me anymore and is moving on. We’ve known each other so long that it is truly hard for me to think rationally about all of this anymore.


I need advice on what to do next, or how I can figure out what I truly want. I’m very confused with my own feelings, and need to have a strategy before I act out on any of this. What advice do you have for helping me sort this out? If you think I should pursue Jenn, how do I go about doing that with Dan in the mix? If you think I shouldn’t, how do I overcome this immense jealousy and hopelessness and find peace with the situation?


Thanks for any help.

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I don't think you should pursue her. I think you are just afraid of losing her close friendship AND losing her adoration of you.

Be a good friend, support her in her relationships and move on.

If you rationalize this to yourself you can get control over your jealousy and fears and in time your strong feelings of hopelessness will fade.

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