Starved for Love

[BrokenGirl99]

I'm hoping others can offer me some insight. I went through a divorce and reconnected with a long time friend/lover. He was a rock to me throughout my divorce. A couple months after we had for lack of a better word reunited he told me he was being evicted. He claims he paid the rent but obviously he hadn't. I didn't care honestly. It my mind it made sense to offer him to move in with me as we were together pretty much every day anyway and would spend weekends at each other's apartments. Boy was i wrong....although we didn't have a relationship title we were seeing how things went..i was fine with that and was in no rush. In fact i had even told him if things didn't work out with us we'd remain friends and he could stay with me until he found a place of his own. Within two weeks of him moving in it was like someone flipped a switch. He went from being emotional expressing how much he loved me..even crying...to nothing..like he was dead inside. All affection stopped including sex. I was confused and the more i would seek answera from him the worse it got. He told me i never told you i was going to be with you, you just want your way. I tried to explain my only expectation was that we were working towards that and if it didn't work out hed seek a new place. He then told me i couldnt make him leave and hr began sleeping on the couch for almost a year! He would make it a point to say in front of others while we would be out with friends or night clubs that im not his girlfriend....but would get jealous if a guy hit on me. He'd tell me he loved me and was attracted to me and he would only say that very rarely...but would never claim me touch me nothing...zero affection. He accused me of being jealous and insecure and i was...never felt that way with a man ever...i was insecure with myself in the situation with him. He would do things little things to make me think...okay maybe theres hope for us...then shut me down and claim he wasnt leading me on or sending mixed signals and that he told me what it was in the beginning . We had to move due to the house being sold and i planned to go alone with just my daughter...of course he had nowhere to go. I told him i didnt want a roommate that we were either in this together or not...so we moved..he started being affectionate again and sleeping in bed with me hell we even began having sex again...but he still wasnt claiming me as his girlfriend. Needless to say the affection and sex stopped within the first 2 months...id cuddle him and he wouldnt even put his arm around me...he'd always put porn on..which i enjoy too so no biggie..anyway..id end up giving him oral and thats it. No sex nothing he doesnt even try to please me. Always an excuse...if id say something like hey what about me etc.. He'd say well i was gonna but your starting your bull and saying hes not arguing with me that all i do is argue. Mind you..the arguing hes talking about is if i voice my opinion or needs or if i disagree with him even on something small and stupid. But here's the thing even when i dont say anything he just rolls over amd goes to sleep or gets up and offers to make me breakfast etc.. Damned if i do and damned if i don't. We did find out his testosterone is extremely low and he has just begun seeing a specialist about this. He says he just doesn't wanna have sex that its not me. But yet he watches porn for hours and has no problem getting or keeping an erection when i give him oral..sometimes twice a day! Aside from the sex ive told him how bad i feel and it shakes my self esteem...whats left of it..when he does these things like no affection or love. Its been over two years and he has not once even complimented me but will compliment other women on social media..tons of times ive brought this up and still not a single nive thing to say about me. We haven't even kissed..not even a peck on lips kiss in well over a year or better. Obviously he doesn't care but when he thinks im movinv on or sees other men hit on me he gets jealous and tells me if i mess with another man he'll never mess with me again. We sleep next tp each other every night and he does not touch me at all. I cuddle against him..nothing in return. He just lays there pops on porn and wants oral and even then in the middle of it all hes more concerned with switching porn clips than what im doing to him...im by no means unattractive and sexually Im very good at what i do..sorry didnt know how to really word that. Holidays come he buys me gifts that one would normally buy for a signifcant other...yet we have no intimacy and after over two years we are still just friends. He blames me says if i acted right we'd be married by now...scratching my head like ??? I know how pathetic i sound and have acted basically begging to be loved. I miss that feeling and i miss having a mans touch. If i tell him how i feel he tells me no its not...you feel like this because....ABC. Ive always been strong willed independent and self confident...now i second guess myself and wonder if im thw problem..even though even rational part of me knows im not. Sorry this was long..wanted to give a full picture and there's still so much more. Id appreciate any insight and opinions. I know i need to get outta thia situation and maybe i just need tp hear that its not me who is wrong here because he makes me feel like im crazy.

[Fudgie]

I would consult a local lawyer ASAP to get the formal eviction process going on him. The lawyer will draw up the papers and tell you what to do. It's time to get this leech off.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like he was stringing you along, knowing he was out of cash for living expenses. Set a date for him to move out then back it up with legal recourse.

 

You can't live like this. It's blocking you completely from healing, moving on and eventually dating again.

he told me he was being evicted. He claims he paid the rent but obviously he hadn't. I didn't care honestly. he could stay with me until he found a place of his own. Within two weeks of him moving in it was like someone flipped a switch.

[j.man]

Lady, you had such an easy out when you moved before. You're being used. Take Fudgie's advice and look into getting him formally evicted.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

He sounds like text book narcissist.

 

Rough situation. I would take legal action ASAP to get him out. Is he on the lease? Unfortunately even the police won't pphysically remove him since you allowed him to live there it is also his dwelling.

 

Look up on google how to take steps in the process. I think first you have to serve him papers or a notice but I'm sure it has to be done legally so you have record.

 

Oh that sucks. I had a friend that went through something very similar. I hope it works out for you

[Fudgie]

Danger is right. Eviction is a big deal legally. You have to deal with paperwork, serving the leech, and time frames. A lawyer familiar with your local laws would be happy to help you out with this and it's worth the consult fee. An improperly done eviction can cost you thousands down the road when/if the leech sues you for wrongful eviction.

 

So this is one of those processes that you have to do everything by the book and in the end, it will be cheaper and take less time.

 

There is no relationship here. He is a just a leech

[BrokenGirl99]

Lady, you had such an easy out when you moved before. You're being used. Take Fudgie's advice and look into getting him formally evicted.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You guys are absolutely right and its what ive thought for quite some time now. It's crazy how things happen and what ive allowed...im ashamed of myself for becoming this person. The way I've handled things thus far is embarrassing. I think i needed to write it down to truly grip how emotionally damaging this situation is. I also think because I've doubted myself so much lately that i needed confirmation. Thank you again.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

I feel very bad for you and this whole situation. I know what it's like being lonely and longing for love, and for someone to take advantage of EVERY part of you is disgusting. You sound like a very wonderful person who makes sure her partner is taken care of. I hate HATE seeing people get taken advantage of.

 

That being said, you want love so bad you're willing to subject yourself to emotional abuse. That is not right. You will find someone ten times better who APPRECIATES you and doesnt just string you along with little gifts when they might think you're getting smart to the situation. That's exactly what narcissists do. I knew a few and I can spot them a mile a way. Terrible.

 

I truly hope everything goes YOUR way

[BrokenGirl99]

I feel very bad for you and this whole situation. I know what it's like being lonely and longing for love, and for someone to take advantage of EVERY part of you is disgusting. You sound like a very wonderful person who makes sure her partner is taken care of. I hate HATE seeing people get taken advantage of.

 

That being said, you want love so bad you're willing to subject yourself to emotional abuse. That is not right. You will find someone ten times better who APPRECIATES you and doesnt just string you along with little gifts when they might think you're getting smart to the situation. That's exactly what narcissists do. I knew a few and I can spot them a mile a way. Terrible.

 

I truly hope everything goes YOUR way

 

I've done quite a bit of reading on narcissism while going through all this and i was blown away by what ive read on the subject. He fits in just about every category. Especially making me out to be someone I'm not. He has friends and acquaintances thinking im some kind of crazy fatal attraction nutcase. But he fails to mention how he put some gps tracker app on my phone to know where i am and how he's gone in my phone and read my texts. Im sure there's more i probably don't even know about. Im thankful for those that have known me for years and know who I truly am as a person. I'm going to have to hang tight for another month or so in order to save up for an attorney. Its rough but knowing there's an end in sight is encouraging

[Wiseman2]

Forget about what he does, thinks or says. He has to keep you as down and vulnerable as he found you to keep a roof over his head. Has he always been a grifter? Gaslighting is usually done for profit.

 

Your thread title tells it all, mostly how your recent divorce led to this poor decision of insta-relationship/insta-live-in lover.

 

Luckily it's your place so you can ask him to leave without a hassle and if he doesn't, get they legal maneuvers going. Does he pay rent or is he a guest?

He has friends and acquaintances thinking im some kind of crazy fatal attraction nutcase.

[BrokenGirl99]

Ive known him for over a decade and never even saw an inkling to this side of him. We lost contact for some years other than a quick hi etc.. It caught me off guard because even years back when we had our fling he never showed this side. He was always funny attentive loving and motivated to do new things. Its like a complete stranger now. He does pay his share though. We go half and half on everything and he's never late or causes an issue there. With my 17 year old daughter he is amazing and being that her father my ex husband basically cut her out of his life...its filled a void for her as well. Although she has heard him be disrespectful to me a few times and even she was like mom..wth is wrong with you? You've never let anyone talk to you like that so why are you letting him?? This is another reason its important for me to make this break...becAuse what an awful example im setting for my daughter.

[zeino]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You guys are absolutely right and its what ive thought for quite some time now. It's crazy how things happen and what ive allowed...im ashamed of myself for becoming this person. The way I've handled things thus far is embarrassing. I think i needed to write it down to truly grip how emotionally damaging this situation is. I also think because I've doubted myself so much lately that i needed confirmation. Thank you again.

 

Hey Brokengirl,

 

Nothing to be ashamed of in any of this. It is SO common when people are vulnerable after divorce that you would be surprised. Not everyone talks about it with your candor, but believe me, this happens to A LOT of reasonable people. Basically, others' vulnerability during life changing events is the best time for these predators and you are hunted by one. Now, time to get out of it. This experience says nothing about your self-worth. It is so normal to want intimacy after a divorce which hints at a previous period of unmet needs. You thought you found it because he was probably mirroring you - cluster B group is very skilled at that. But they cannot hide themselves for very long. Be prepared that a second round of manipulation will begin when you start taking empowered action. The longed-after sex can be given to you. Be wise and don't fall for it - plus he will withdraw that from you with a vengeance when he feels safe again.

 

One note about narcissists. It's good that you now make meaning of what is going on. But don't limit yourself with just one diagnosis. Borderline presents like narcissism in males due to gender codes and all the scale of this cluster can have some psychopathic behaviour. That is, just because he is a narcissist by diagnosis does not exclude antisocial behaviour.

 

Intimacy and sex are different things. Many people who live with a cluster B become super sex hungry to compensate for lack of intimacy and then that is taken from them as well. This has nothing to do with sex. This is all about control. Very common experience, the effect of being exposed to a predator. Leave him. You will find everything you want one day. (It won't take that long. Give yourself a bit of time to heal, that's all.)

 

The marriage thing is a crumble. If you change a bit, you can get "what you want" you see. Eew, you wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy. And it gets even worse than this.

 

Accept this experience. You were vulnerable, you fell for a predator. Many people do. Don't let this define you as a woman. It was a craze.

 

Stay safe

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully the happiness and welfare of your own child matter enough to motivate you to ask him to move out. You should be protecting her from him not throwing him at her as a pseudo-dad to avenge your exhusband.

 

He is NOT an appropriate "father figure". Do not use live-in bfs to "fill your daughter's voids". Encourage healthy relationships with family, friends,etc. as well as goals in and activities in school.

 

If he helps you pay for stuff you need to start looking into those motives as well as fear of being alone.

he is amazing and being that her father my ex husband basically cut her out of his life...its filled a void for her as well. Although she has heard him be disrespectful to me a few times and even she was like mom..wth is wrong with you?.

[SooSad33]

Sadly.. this is a tough way to learn.....

 

You let someone into your Life, too deeply and too fast.

 

HE is toxic.. and very much so. I know a couple of these out there. Be very careful nowadays, there's all kinds!

 

We sleep next tp each other every night and he does not touch me at all. I cuddle against him..nothing in return. He just lays there pops on porn and wants oral

- Stop this.. now!

 

He just lays there pops on porn and wants oral

- Doesn't matter, when it comes to someone who is like this. It is ALL about them!

 

He blames me

Exactly! and will.. forever.. for everything! They do this...

 

Now that you ARE aware of him and his ways.. time to Get Out Of It!

 

Youi've let yourself be used & disrespected for way too long now. Time to ACT. Get out.. and work on healing from this toxic BS.

 

Glad you are noticing it is HIM.. and not you. No one can every live like this.

[zeino]

Also he isn't amazing with your daughter. That is a façade. Younger people pose less threat to their ego in their warped understanding and soon he will start using her against you in a triangle. Get yourself and your daughter out of this. And yes, model the right thing to her so she doesn't invite disordered predators, abusers etc into her life in the future. This is the best gift you can give to her.