Getting back with a depressed ex

[catdog]

NOTE: I currently have no intentions on getting back with my ex. I am dating a new guy and would like to give him 100% of the chance he deserves.

For reference, I am a girl and am in my senior year of college/uni.

 

In May of 2015, I made out with my best friend of 1.5 years. It had been coming for a while, as we regularly spent the night in the same bed and had been touching each other playfully (though non-sexually) for a while. Then he left the country for three months, leaving the relationship up in the air as he wasn't sure if he wanted to actually date me. After a very intense email fight, he asks me on a date. Not very romantic, but I liked him a lot. We ended up dating for four months in a relationship absolutely fraught with fights, verbal abuse, and codependency. Things were very 'roller coaster', he would write me poetry, or press flowers for me. He'd bring me little cakes from the grocery store to share together or make me breakfast in bed. But he'd also break up with me in the shower on my birthday or stop talking to me for 2-3 days at a time after particularly bad fights.

 

In December, he went off the deep end a bit, locked himself in his room, took all the pills he could find, chugged a handle of whiskey, and started cutting his wrists with razors. He spent time in the hospital, then we broke up shortly after and I headed out of the country for what we thought would be 4 months (ended up being six, but not important). He initially wanted to stay in contact, but I took a month to myself. Afterwards, we stayed in contact semi-regularly for about 2 months, then more sparsely for another 2 months. One day, after talking about another male, he cut me off and stopped talking for 2 weeks, spent a day talking as normal, then cut me off for another two weeks. We didn't talk much for the next three months.

 

When I arrived back home, I tried to get in contact with him again. Our relationship had been , but I'd always enjoyed our friendship and was feeling anxious about arriving back at university with out my best friend. He responded angrily, I responded he put me through hell with his suicide attempt, he softened a bit. We agreed not to talk, then would talk, get upset, and decide not to talk again. This went on for a while and then eventually he asked if he could come over and talk. He told me he'd felt pretty normal and numb for the first four months I was gone, but for the two after that he thought about me constantly and blamed me for his breakdown. Then, at the end of those two months he realized how horrible he'd been to me. At this point he apologized and took all the blame. He told me he really wanted to be with me again and would wait for me.

 

I was already in a new relationship (he knows this), but he said he waited 1.5 years to date me and could wait again. While I'm personally hoping the best for my current relationship, I do wonder if it would ever be wise to get back with an ex who say they broke up to you, quite convincingly, due to depression. Really, he nursed me through my own 4 months of situational depression, always was my biggest fan when I was anxious, and could make me laugh for hours. No one has ever clicked with me the way he did. But yeah, even writing this has made me realized that wasn't a healthy relationship. Could things change? He acknowledges that he wasn't giving his best and seriously mistreated me and honestly would not deserve another chance. He's said he's been working on being a better friend to others as practice for being a better friend to me and has been trying to talk to me and support me again. He's also much more intellectually and physically compatible with me than anyone else has ever been and before our breakup, I'd really hoped to raise a family with him. (though perhaps I was deluded, looking back at the he did to me). Why is it he is simultaneously the person who has supported me the most when I needed it and hurt me the most?

 

Can I just have some opinions here? Part of me hopes to try to kill any lingering wonders, but most of me just hopes the guy I'm dating now will end up being a great partner. Right now I have some doubts about new boyfriend because he has a much lower sex drive than me, is a bit dry/only gets impassioned about politics, and isn't as affectionate as I'm used to. However, I am used to rollercoasters of love more tender than veal and fights more bitter than cold brew, so perhaps my "normal" is still skewed!

[Snny]

NOTE: I currently have no intentions on getting back with my ex. I am dating a new guy and would like to give him 100% of the chance he deserves.

For reference, I am a girl and am in my senior year of college/uni.

Your thread title and note here are very contradicting and misleading. For someone who is close on getting a college degree, I would expect better writing structure from you.

 

To make this simple for everyone

OP had a "make out" buddy (MOB) who left the country for 3 months. Arguments ensured over email and he caved to be in a relationship with you. More fighting ensured where the relationship was on and off.

 

MOB becomes emotionally unstable, resorting to narcotics and self mutilation. More on and off with the relationship. OP goes on an overseas trip for 6 months, Make Out Buddy wants more contact. More on and off stuff that the OP and MOB can't seem to make up their damn minds of whatever the hell they want.

 

OP comes home and tries contacting MOB because she is insecure of returning back to school without her "best friend." MOB sends her a pissed off message about her having a lot of nerve contacting him when he was emotionally unstable and planned to commit suicide (this is a great relationship here!!!). MOB finally "calms down" and apologizes despite of him being still emotionally unstable.

 

At some point OP gets in a relationship with another dude. MOB is not taking this well and wants to play the friendzone by "waiting." Despite of being with another dude, OP still has unresolved feelings for emotionally unstable MOB. OP is even having doubts with her new relationship.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Simple answer to all your problems:

Stop dating for awhile. Neither of these men are good for you. The more you stay in contact with MOB, the less likely you are able to move on with your life and future relationships.

 

Stop staying in contact with MOB because:

1. He has emotional instability.

2. He doesn't want to be your friend.

3. You are not equip to dealing with individuals who are unpredictable (I.e. The suicide attempts talk, yikes)

 

MOB needs to see a professional therapist for his depression. Depression is not something you can cure- it is a chemical imbalance inside the brain that is treated with drugs and therapy. There is nothing you can do about it and he will constantly bring you down with it. Until he gets help, you will stop contacting him. If he tells you that he plans to kill himself, you call the police. That may make him think twice in emotionally manipulating you into an affair OR get him to stop. Either way you are not pandering to his personal issues that you have no control over.

 

As for the other dude, you Eire love him or you don't. You don't seem to love him, so it's best you break up with him. It seems clear that you are using him as a rebound from MOB, or you wouldn't have these "doubts."

 

No matter what it doesn't seem you are ready to be in a relationship until you get rid of MOB and have some time to focus on yourself.

[catdog]

The patronizing first comment isn't appreciated, your assessment of "MOB" as a makeout buddy is presumptive and incorrect, and having doubts about about a person hardly means you are using them. It takes me a while to adjust to new relationships and, because of all the confusion with my ex, it has been hard to really commit to this person. However, I have recently stopped talking to my ex as frequently and have sworn off discussing him with others, and see my current relationship improving, so I'm going to go ahead and ignore your simplistic suggestion to 'break up with him'.

 

It really was a theoretical question. If things don't work out with this guy, would it be a bad idea to try dating the ex to sooth the part of my mind that wonders if he was the right person at the wrong time. Would I prefer things to work out with current boyfriend? yes, of course and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. I suppose I appreciate your challenge because it made me defensive and frankly quite angry you'd suggest I just stop dating this guy. He's honestly wonderful and both of us are doing a lot to try to be a good match.

[Zaphod]

Meh - stay with the one you're currently with. The ex sounds like a bit of a drama queen to me.

 

Depends = how much do you like the one you're with at the moment?

 

Another thought - the ex sounds like the exciting roller coaster one, and the current one sounds a bit more boring, but more stable. Which flavour do you fancy? Roller coaster can be ok at first but ironically gets a bit boring after a while.

 

And if you don't really want either one, perhaps you'll find someone kind of inbetween?

 

As far as re-dating the ex goes, only you can answer that. The heart wants what the heart wants etc.

[SmileyFace123]

Well if you are with this new guy I think the fact that you're even posting stuff about the previous relationship says something..

 

Your ex has depression and seems like a host of other issues. Could it work out in the future? Really depends on the individuals growth and change. Can you forgive the things he's done in the past ? More importantly is he going to get help medication/counseling? Can you guys perhaps receive couples counseling.

 

im all for second chances, but only you have to be realistic. Second chances come with a lot of work, so be prepared that both sides will have to contribute