4 months since breakup. Need advice on next move to take

[loyal2thesoil]

We're both 26 and went out for 3 years. We've been broken up for 4 months now. This is the second time we've broken up, the first time was her idea, but was short lived and only lasted 2.5 weeks, this happened a little after the 2 year mark. She decided to end the relationship a second time and during the first week of the breakup I did all the mistakes you're told not to do including begging, pleading, telling her how things are going to be better and different. We were very happy and very in love with each other and the first two years were absolutely amazing. Initially in the beginning she was needy and wanted to move things along a little faster than me (This was my first serious girlfriend so it's safe to say I'm inexperienced with relationships). We discussed wanting to marry each other and having kids together but I have to confess that she was the one that usually initiated conversations about the future. I don't have commitment issues, it's just during that time in my life I was so unstable that I wasn't seriously thinking about doing that stuff for another 2-3 years. We had our ups and downs but I always knew she was the person I wanted to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with.

 

The source of the real problems began last year in September 2015. I was recently unemployed then and had to take a huge step backwards in regards to salary when I was fired from my job. I started working part-time at a craft store and was really hating myself at the time as I never had enough money to do anything and felt like a failure at life. I've been diagnosed with major depression and getting fired and not being able to find a decent job really triggered that depression and I was at a low in my life. When I was working at the craft store I got a full scholarship to attend a 3 month coding bootcamp to learn how to build web apps and she was fully supportive of that. She even gave me her credit card to use for gas without hesitation because she knew I wasn't making enough to pay for bills and gas. I was still pretty depressed during this time and to "cope" with it I started to smoke A LOT of weed. She had no problem with me smoking, her only issue was the money I was spending on it. One night I was supposed to meet up with her at her apartment and decided to head over to a friends house to smoke before I left for her place. When I got there she asked why I was late and I lied to her because I didn't want her to know I was late because I was at a friends smoking weed (I never used any of her money for weed and most of the time friends wouldn't charge me to smoke). I felt horrible lying to her and eventually came clean a hour later. She was destroyed that I would lie to her over something like that and was even more hurt that she was paying for my gas and I put more importance on hanging out with my friends and smoking then I did for her. After that day I could tell she had a hard time fully trusting me again. I know it was a small lie but a lie is a lie no matter what and the trust was broken. Our relationship was doing better after that episode but I could tell it was never quite the same.

 

When I finished the coding camp it was time to find a new job with all the awesome skills I learned. The only problem was that the job hunt for programming positions in my area were very scarce. I would spend all day sending out resumes and applying to jobs for 3 months straight and never heard a word back from any potential employer. This triggered one of my worst episodes of depression to date and I really was in a horrible mindset. It was like I basically gave up on trying. I stopped caring about my looks, ate like , stopped putting effort into the relationship and was just in a general bad mood most of the time. She was still very sweet and supportive during this time and I thank her so much for her patience with me. Like I said my mindset was pretty bad during this time and I was very critical of her and was always starting arguments over the most mundane things. We had an argument at the mall one day and when we got back to her place she decided that she had enough and she couldn't take it anymore, she became unhappy in the relationship and felt hopeless because she couldn't help me out of my depression. We broke up a day later. During these 4 months since the breakup I've realized that I took a lot of my frustrations out on her and definitely took her for granted which is not fair to her at all.

 

I think it's important to note that she has a very stressful job and works about 10-12 hours a day. Her mom moved to another state last year and was diagnosed with cancer and she was dealing with all that stress for the whole year. I wish I was there for her like she was there for me and I wasn't in such a bad mental state so I could have been strong and been her rock. She was basically trying to help me shoulder my burden while going through her own hell at the same time. Even though she broke up with me she's said that she's still having a really hard time with the breakup and coping with her moms illness and the fact that she's in another state doesn't make her situation any better.

 

We went a month without contact and I caved in because I wanted to talk to her. She's my best friend, the one person that understands me the most and just gets me and I couldn't stand not taking to her. At first she was very closed off and hurt, I sent her a long apology letter telling her how great she was and how I'm sorry I was so selfish and let my problems get the best of me when I should've been there for her. Once she replied to the letter she was a little more receptive to contact. We have been in contact for the last 3 months. Sometimes we'll talk 5 times a week and other times only twice a week. We've hung out 4 times since the breakup just doing casual things like getting coffee or lunch/movie. She's asked for space so I don't want to go overboard with the contact. She's told me that she didn't want the breakup to happen and how she's a mess right now and feels like she lost control of her life. She's going out drinking a lot with coworkers, not sleeping enough and really isn't eating much either which is not like her at all. She also told me that she was putting my needs before her own for a long time and she really just needs to focus on herself and do things for her. I've talked to her about trying again and she said she can only handle being friends right now but she thinks our relationship is recoverable. She's also said if we were to get back together a lot of things have to change. She's lost some trust in me and when I asked how I can repair it she always says she doesn't know. She's of the school of thought that if it's meant to be then it will happen in the end, but how can that be possible if she's not willing to try and work things out right now?

 

Last week she invited me out while she was hanging out with coworkers and that came as a big surprise to me because since we broke up it's been all me setting up the dates. I guess it's not too hard to believe that when I got there I realized she was drunk (most likely why she invited me in the first place). During that night she kept hugging me, putting my arm around her, looking me in the eyes with "that look", she even kissed me once and commented on how hot I looked. I called her that night to make sure she got home safe and she immediately started crying on the phone, this was the first time she let me know how bad the breakup was effecting her. I know I shouldn't have let this behavior happen but it felt so damn good and I thought this was some sign that she wanted to start working on things. The next day I contacted her because I wanted to talk to her while she was sober and ask about all the handsy stuff that was going on, she apologized for kissing me and all the touchy feely stuff and said she never should've crossed that line and that she can only handle being friends. I've made my intentions clear to her that I don't just want friendship and I want to have a serious committed relationship with her but I will give her all the time she needs. The contact has died down some since this happened, but we still talk and she's currently helping me find cheap plane tickets so I can spend xmas with family instead of being alone at my place. She still has all of our pictures up on social media and still likes photos that me and my family post, she also still views all of my snapchat stories.

 

I basically want some opinions especially from the women of ENA on what I should do next and how I should go about progressing things to gain back her trust and keep building emotional connection. Do you think this is really salvageable or is she just trying to be nice and doesn't want to completely close that door yet? Sometimes she opens up to me and I feel like there's progress but other times I feel like I take two steps backwards and it's not going to happen and maybe I should save myself from more hurt feelings. I don't just want to be friends with her and I don't want to risk falling into the friendzone or relationship limbo. I know I messed up big time with this one and I would do anything to have a better relationship with this women. Despite everything I still care about and love her very deeply, I'd do anything to make her happy. Every time we meet up the connection is still there and it feels like we haven't skipped a beat. I without a doubt want her in my life and I know for certain I'm not looking at the relationship through rose tinted glasses. I know it's going to take work and I'm ready to work on it. Any thoughts, tips, and opinions are greatly appreciated.

 

Sorry for the long post but in a way this was very therapeutic for me.

[loyal2thesoil]

I also think it's important to note that I'm actively working on myself and not just waiting around for her to come back. I'm working with a therapist to help me cope with stress more, along with my depression and other issues, I now have a good job and am studying for an I.T. certification and have been hitting the gym again the past 4 months and have lost 25 lbs. Only 50 more to go to reach my goal My depression isn't as crippling as it was in the past year but I still feel blue when I think about how I treated her and how I wasn't there for her to lean on when she needed me the most. It may seem like I'm a horrible person by the way I took her for granted, dismissed her feelings, and shut down when things didn't go my way but I definitely was there for her through so much and I always encouraged her to be the best that she can. We really did have a loving relationship. We both had a part to do in the breakup but I think my part played a bigger role.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to be more self directed and independent and reliable. That was the problem in the first place, she got taken for granted and lied to.

 

For example, she shouldn't continue to be helping you with stuff like "she's currently helping me find cheap plane tickets so I can spend xmas with family instead of being alone at my place". Manage your own life better so she sees you as a man not a child.

She was destroyed that I would lie to her over something like that and was even more hurt that she was paying for my gas and I put more importance on hanging out with my friends and smoking then I did for her.

[loyal2thesoil]

Thanks Wiseman. You're comment really hit home about being more independent. I did rely too heavily on her and I need to show her that I can stand on my own two feet.

[catfeeder]

I also think it's important to note that I'm actively working on myself and not just waiting around for her to come back. I'm working with a therapist to help me cope with stress more, along with my depression and other issues, I now have a good job and am studying for an I.T. certification and have been hitting the gym again the past 4 months and have lost 25 lbs. Only 50 more to go to reach my goal My depression isn't as crippling as it was in the past year

 

This is the important stuff. I'd pull back and redirect my focus on building my own life--surprising everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. It will not only demo your independence, it will give the woman the 'real' space she needs to reflect without you hovering. If you've noticed, that doesn't work.

 

Just as you no longer take her for granted, it's not wise to set yourself up to be taken for granted either. People tend to Pay Attention when something changes, so change the whole 'playing friendzies' dynamic. You can let her know that if she ever decides she wants to reconcile, and if you're still available then, you'll meet to catch up. Short of that, you adore her and want the best for her, but you need to heal, and the only way to do that is if you withdraw your focus and stop taking her temperature all the time.

 

This is your percentage play, because it will benefit you either way. It's a trust that if the two of you are a mean-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. But you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

 

Head high.

[loyal2thesoil]

So last night we ended up talking and it was a MESS. I asked her what I can do to help the process and start rebuilding our trust and she replied the she wishes she was over it and could be fine with everything and not upset about our past issues but she's just not and that she doesn't know what I can do. We exchanged a few texts and she called me right after she got off of work to talk about everything.

 

During the call I broke down and told her how I feel about her, how I want to spend the rest of my life with her, start a family, and how nobody has ever made me feel the way she does. We've talked about how many kids we want and what kind of wedding we want to have in the past but I've never told her specifically that she is the one I want to spend my life with. I guess I didn't reassure her enough about our future while we were together. She told me I should have told her all of this when we were together and when we first broke up. She was angry that I didn't tell her how I felt right after the breakup. I would have told her but I was so heartbroken and felt rejected that I just walked out her apartment and cried in my car. I told her that I read one of those "get your ex back" guides and how they all said I should do a short no contact period and I shouldn't get emotional or beg when trying to reconcile. This made her even more upset because she was astonished that I would pay a stranger for some guide to get her back when I could have just gone with my gut because I know her and our relationship better than some internet guide. She honestly told me that if I told her that I want to marry HER and have kids with HER and how she's the only one for ME when we just broke up instead of 4 months later then the situation might have been different. She said she can't be with me right now because if we got back together she wouldn't be 100% in it, she would still worry too much about my happiness and depression and she needs to focus on her. She said she's scared to try again because she gave me a chance before and nothing really changed and how she can't be responsible for my happiness. I asked if she was dating anyone and she told me that shes gone on a few dates with people but none of them were serious and she didn't want anything serious out of them. She said her feelings for me haven't disappeared and they're still strong, but admitting to using a get your ex back program and not telling her how I really felt about our future together in the beginning didn't help the situation. She still wants us to be able to check in with each other but says we should have space and she can't be with me now. It was a very difficult conversation to have and we both broke down and cried during it. I want to be able to show her the new, healthier, happier me but at the same time give her the space she needs.

 

Should I just step back and occasionally reach out (2-3 times a month) and see where it goes? I was thinking of stepping back for a few days and just send a xmas text to her and feel out the situation. Honestly I really think I should start going with my gut more since I do know her better then an online community or any "relationship expert" but at this moment I'd do anything to have her back so I welcome all tips and opinions.

[loyal2thesoil]

I really feel lost, hurt and scared that I'll lose one of the people I love the most forever or she'll fall in love with someone else that will give her everything I couldn't because of my depression. At the same time I'm a little hopeful that we can work this out in the future. I have to admit during the call last night I did plead to her and pressure her a little which I've realized was selfish of me because I was trying to force my will and desire to be in a relationship and fix things between us onto her and not respecting her needs. Any tips, opinions, or hopeful success stories would be really appreciated.

[boltnrun]

I really feel lost, hurt and scared that I'll lose one of the people I love the most forever or she'll fall in love with someone else that will give her everything I couldn't because of my depression. At the same time I'm a little hopeful that we can work this out in the future. I have to admit during the call last night I did plead to her and pressure her a little which I've realized was selfish of me because I was trying to force my will and desire to be in a relationship and fix things between us onto her and not respecting her needs. Any tips, opinions, or hopeful success stories would be really appreciated.

 

This proves you haven't changed all that much.

 

All you've done is believe that you really DO want her. But, as she mentioned, it would have been more effective if you'd realized that while you were with her instead of later on.

 

You cannot do a thing to make her want to get back together.

 

Just continue to improve yourself, for yourself. And if someday she chooses to come back, you may or may not feel the same.

[loyal2thesoil]

The thing is I did know I really wanted to marry her while we were together and way before the breakup happened, I just didn't reassure her enough when we were still together. I definitely wouldn't have let the relationship go on this long if I wasn't certain I wanted to spend my life with her.

[loyal2thesoil]

Well we talked on the phone yesterday and she told me she just can't be with me right now. The conversation wasn't as emotional as the last phone call we had but I did lose control of my rationality and told her that I'm ready to buy a ring for her right now. She said I was acting crazy and how she doesn't want it to be this way, a ring/proposal isn't a solution to the issues we had. She said she doesn't trust me like she used to anymore and if we got back together now she wouldn't be 100% in it. Even though she's now starting to go on dates she said she can't just date me because she can't do a relationship without labels with me, she can't date me without it being a full blown relationship and she's not ready for that. We came to the conclusion that after the last few days of emotional talks we should take some time and give each other space. I won't try to start up any conversations with her for awhile now, but I will text her Merry XMAS just as a courtesy because we're still important to each other.

 

I was thinking of sending her an email to apologize and give her an explanation to why I lied the night I was late to see her? My gut says I should do it but idk if it would be better left unsent?

[Wiseman2]

It would be best if she reiterates that she needs space and a break to leave it. No more contact or excuses to contact like apologies,etc.

 

Send a brief xmas if you want but otherwise stay no contact, so she can reflect.

I will text her Merry XMAS just as a courtesy because we're still important to each other.I was thinking of sending her an email to apologize and give her an explanation to why I lied the night I was late to see her?