How to make her fall in love again

[Brokennow32]

So here is the deal. My ex girlfriend and I were together throughout all of college for about 4 years. The past year or so we have had a major rough patch. We took some time apart and I worked on the type of guy I was the past couple months. I realized I was a jerk and wasn't the type of guy that deserved a girl like her. I have figured myself out now, but she's stuck in the middle of me and another guy. I know about him but he doesn't know she is still talking to me and hanging out with me.

 

She can see that I'm a different guy but I feel that she's scared to take another chance with me. She says she still loves me, but that she isn't in love with me. I want to take her out this week and do something nice with her. Something that would give her a chance to see that she can fall in love with me again, or to see that I can make her happy.

 

I'm from the Pittsburgh area so I was thinking maybe a dinner downtown, then take her ice skating around the Christmas tree they have set up in the square and possibly a trip up to a scenic part of town to end the night.

 

I'm not sure if this is the best way to go about it though and need some help. I've never felt this way about anyone before and this is sort of my last ditch effort to win her over so I need it to be great.

 

Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[gebaird]

A nice date could be fun, but this isn't a romantic comedy that ends with a kiss and the closing credits -- you've got to make these changes permanent and be good to her every single day.

 

You can't MAKE her do anything, but you can invite her to give you another chance. The worst she can say is no, and then you can move on. Don't hang out in the friend zone or be her backup plan.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like she simply lost interest and is dating a new guy.

 

It seems she's friendzoned you. You can suggest any hangout you want but she will think of it as "friends".

she's stuck in the middle of me and another guy. I know about him but he doesn't know she is still talking to me and hanging out with me. She says she still loves me, but that she isn't in love with me

[Brokennow32]

The changes are permanent. I was sort of lost as an individual for a little while. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and I took that out on her. I have several job interviews lined up now though and I have been going to the gym and eating healthy. I've even taking up reading and learning a new language as a hobby.

 

I honestly see a future with her and I wouldn't take that for granted. I've been sending her a voice message or a kind email every morning and night for the past few weeks just letting her know how I feel. Telling her that she is beautiful and etc.

 

Yeah I worded that poorly, I shouldn't have said make because I can't make her do anything. I should've said am I giving myself a good chance for her to possibly fall for me again.

[Brokennow32]

That's what I thought initially, but she told me that she wants to see if there is still some "spark" there.

[Brokennow32]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like she simply lost interest and is dating a new guy.

 

It seems she's friendzoned you. You can suggest any hangout you want but she will think of it as "friends".

 

That's what I thought initially, but she said she wants to give a romantic night a chance and see if there is still a spark there.

[boltnrun]

A nice date could be fun, but it's not going to "make her fall in love" with you again.

 

You know the old saying...you can't miss what you haven't lost. She really has lost nothing. She gets to have both you and the new guy.

 

If you want her to regret losing you, she really has to lose you. Hanging around acting cool and nice is really you just lurking around saying "pick me, please PICK ME!!". Not attractive at all.

 

I suggest you make sure she realizes she really has lost you. Stay away, stop playing "friends", don't be so available, and stop suggesting "hanging out". See if she misses you and contacts you.

 

She may not. But your current approach isn't working and won't work because there is zero downside for her.

[Brokennow32]

A nice date could be fun, but this isn't a romantic comedy that ends with a kiss and the closing credits -- you've got to make these changes permanent and be good to her every single day.

 

You can't MAKE her do anything, but you can invite her to give you another chance. The worst she can say is no, and then you can move on. Don't hang out in the friend zone or be her backup plan.

 

 

The changes are permanent. I was sort of lost as an individual for a little while. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and I took that out on her. I have several job interviews lined up now though and I have been going to the gym and eating healthy. I've even taking up reading and learning a new language as a hobby.

 

I honestly see a future with her and I wouldn't take that for granted. I've been sending her a voice message or a kind email every morning and night for the past few weeks just letting her know how I feel. Telling her that she is beautiful and etc.

 

Yeah I worded that poorly, I shouldn't have said make because I can't make her do anything. I should've said am I giving myself a good chance for her to possibly fall for me again.

[Brokennow32]

A nice date could be fun, but it's not going to "make her fall in love" with you again.

 

You know the old saying...you can't miss what you haven't lost. She really has lost nothing. She gets to have both you and the new guy.

 

If you want her to regret losing you, she really has to lose you. Hanging around acting cool and nice is really you just lurking around saying "pick me, please PICK ME!!". Not attractive at all.

 

I suggest you make sure she realizes she really has lost you. Stay away, stop playing "friends", don't be so available, and stop suggesting "hanging out". See if she misses you and contacts you.

 

She may not. But your current approach isn't working and won't work because there is zero downside for her.

 

I've thought about this as well. It's kind of scary to step back from the situation and leave it up to her because of how much I care about her.

 

Her friends told me the other guy is just a rebound but I don't know what to think really.

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess I really need to think about it.

[jimthzz]

You are sending way to many messages to her and planning to date her while she already has another boyfriend. Is she really worth this effort?

 

There is practically zero chance you will get her back as an exclusive girlfriend. Sure, she'll let you pay for meals and entertainment from time to time.

 

Life's short, why not take out an available girl? Yes, you have history, but she has moved on and keeps you on the hook as a side guy.

[DancingFool]

Problem is that at this point in time she simply can't trust you and can't trust that these changes you've made are going to stick. You are talking years of harsh experience v. months of alleged change. Add to it that people fundamentally do not change and that is also in the back of her mind.

 

It's flattering to be chased so hard, but..... I think you need to consider that it actually takes two to make or break a relationship. You may have been a jerk, whatever, but something about her allowed it. What's to say a year from now, six months, three months, you won't fall into the same problems together and end up in the same toxic dynamic? What I'm getting at is that successful getting back together is never about one partner taking all the blame and making all the changes. You both need to accept your parts in the demise and make changes. Otherwise.....chase chase chase....once you catch.....too much room to revert or worse, for resentment to set in as you put so much work into things and now your relationship is unbalanced, etc.

[happyfrank]

You just need to be confident and be yourself. Mentally you have to be tough. You can't force her to make a decision.. Just show her a really good time.

 

If the spark isn't there so what. You will find a better woman for you..

 

Good luck and have fun.

[Brokennow32]

You are sending way to many messages to her and planning to date her while she already has another boyfriend. Is she really worth this effort?

 

There is practically zero chance you will get her back as an exclusive girlfriend. Sure, she'll let you pay for meals and entertainment from time to time.

 

Life's short, why not take out an available girl? Yes, you have history, but she has moved on and keeps you on the hook as a side guy.

 

She isn't dating the guy. She just recently started talking to him. They've gone on 1 date and she said things aren't serious with him because she still has some feelings with me.

 

And I wish I could say she wasn't worth it. But when I was doing my soul searching I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Yes it sounds cliche.

 

I've thought about the other girls thing, and any time I talk to another girl she pops into my mind and I lose interest.

[Brokennow32]

Problem is that at this point in time she simply can't trust you and can't trust that these changes you've made are going to stick. You are talking years of harsh experience v. months of alleged change. Add to it that people fundamentally do not change and that is also in the back of her mind.

 

It's flattering to be chased so hard, but..... I think you need to consider that it actually takes two to make or break a relationship. You may have been a jerk, whatever, but something about her allowed it. What's to say a year from now, six months, three months, you won't fall into the same problems together and end up in the same toxic dynamic? What I'm getting at is that successful getting back together is never about one partner taking all the blame and making all the changes. You both need to accept your parts in the demise and make changes. Otherwise.....chase chase chase....once you catch.....too much room to revert or worse, for resentment to set in as you put so much work into things and now your relationship is unbalanced, etc.

 

That's the thing we both had our issues, I've figure mine out and she said she has realized what she was doing wrong. She just has that fear of things going back to how they were. I have that fear as well.

 

You'll never really know without trying though.

[GMars]

I do believe that there could be a chance, BUT that is only posisble if she feels a bit of a challenge with you. It is awesome that you made positive changes in your life and that you are still actively working on yourself. Looks like she sees it as well. Now it is great, but that's not enough. For her to feel a bit of a challenge she also needs to understand this:

You are a great man and you are actively creating your life the way you want it, ALSO that you will stay this way regarless she is in your life OR not. She needs to see that she DOES NOT complete you, you are a complete man on your own and you don't need her to feel whole. The moment she feels like your world revolves around her, she definitly will pull away.

It is nice that you show her that you are available, but you could also make her undesrtand that you are - AVAILABLE ...for other girls too since she is not claiming to be ina relationship with you. Do not do it in a demonstrative, manipulatinve way. And it doesn't mean that you should hook up with another girl, just to make her jelous, but you may go hang out with other girls on a friendly basis.

Being sweet to her AND letting your life revolve around you first,is the best magnet.

P.S. Oh, and yes.. STOP sending her Voice messages/emails every morning (you have your own life and sometimes you get too busy to think of her every morning, remember?

[Brokennow32]

I do believe that there could be a chance, BUT that is only posisble if she feels a bit of a challenge with you. It is awesome that you made positive changes in your life and that you are still actively working on yourself. Looks like she sees it as well. Now it is great, but that's not enough. For her to feel a bit of a challenge she also needs to understand this:

You are a great man and you are actively creating your life the way you want it, ALSO that you will stay this way regarless she is in your life OR not. She needs to see that she DOES NOT complete you, you are a complete man on your own and you don't need her to feel whole. The moment she feels like your world revolves around her, she definitly will pull away.

It is nice that you show her that you are available, but you could also make her undesrtand that you are - AVAILABLE ...for other girls too since she is not claiming to be ina relationship with you. Do not do it in a demonstrative, manipulatinve way. And it doesn't mean that you should hook up with another girl, just to make her jelous, but you may go hang out with other girls on a friendly basis.

Being sweet to her AND letting your life revolve around you first,is the best magnet.

P.S. Oh, and yes.. STOP sending her Voice messages/emails every morning (you have your own life and sometimes you get too busy to think of her every morning, remember?

 

One of the places I went wrong before is that I wouldn't communicate with her. I didn't compliment her. Those are sort of my way to show her that I see that I didn't do that before, it is something I'm going to do in the future if there is a chance for us.

 

Thanks for your response. I found it very helpful. Basically I need to make her see that I have other options, while she is what I want I can go out and find someone else if she doesn't make her decision.

 

I like that. I have a girl friend of mine coming to a ugly Christmas sweater party with me next weekend that she may be at. So I'll see how that goes.

[sc98cbra]

I would ignore the comments that suggest that you should move on/find someone else.

 

If you have truly changed the behavior/personality traits that pushed her away, then why not try to make it work with her again? This is especially true if there isn't bad blood. I wouldn't be too concerned with the other guy, but you should definitely watch out for red flags (as you do not want to be hurt). She's single and allowed to see other people (as are you), but if you display possessive traits, it will push her away.

 

It's going to be a hard and risky mountain to climb, but it is doable!

 

Don't push too hard (i.e., take things slow), build a solid foundation with her, keep working on improving yourself, and, most importantly, be a happy and enjoyable person to be around. If you're able to build a great relationship with her, great! If not, you still come out on top (you'll likely find that other women are attracted to you).

[Brokennow32]

I would ignore the comments that suggest that you should move on/find someone else.

 

If you have truly changed the behavior/personality traits that pushed her away, then why not try to make it work with her again? This is especially true if there isn't bad blood. I wouldn't be too concerned with the other guy, but you should definitely watch out for red flags (as you do not want to be hurt). She's single and allowed to see other people (as are you), but if you display possessive traits, it will push her away.

 

It's going to be a hard and risky mountain to climb, but it is doable!

 

Don't push too hard (i.e., take things slow), build a solid foundation with her, keep working on improving yourself, and, most importantly, be a happy and enjoyable person to be around. If you're able to build a great relationship with her, great! If not, you still come out on top (you'll likely find that other women are attracted to you).

 

Thank you. This is the approach her roommate told me to take. And I didn't know whether or not I should try it or not. Her roommate wasn't fond of me before but she see's that I've changed and I think that will help a lot.

 

I let her have her space during the day and don't push anything to hard. She has been the one to ask me to hangout a couple times recently and I've asked her some as well.

 

The other guy in the picture is what is worrying me. He doesn't want her talking to me at all, which I can understand from his perspective but she's continuing to do so anyways.

 

All I can do is keep working on my mind, body and soul and eventually things will fall into place.

[DancingFool]

That's the thing we both had our issues, I've figure mine out and she said she has realized what she was doing wrong. She just has that fear of things going back to how they were. I have that fear as well.

 

You'll never really know without trying though.

 

Then I would suggest that you both honestly express that and that rather than doing all the crazy chasing, maybe talk more about what has changed and how you both can create a concrete plan going forward to avoid some of the pitfalls from the past. That might actually give you both more confidence in each other than mindless over the top romantic chasing. Especially when it's one sided.

 

I mean if you both can put the past aside, it's a nonstarter and you just spinning your wheels in the mud. Setting the past aside and giving the relationship a fresh start is a decision and not a very romantic one. You are either in and willing to carry on with the changes and committed to it, or you need to cut your losses and move on. By you, I mean both of you equally.

[sc98cbra]

The other guy in the picture is what is worrying me. He doesn't want her talking to me at all, which I can understand from his perspective but she's continuing to do so anyways.

 

Like I said, possessive traits will push her away. Whether it is you displaying them or him. If the other guys becomes too controlling, she will probably let him go.

 

Play it cool, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket (unless and until you can sense that she wants to take things to the next level (i.e., exclusivity)).

 

Just my 2 pennies.

[Brokennow32]

Like I said, possessive traits will push her away. Whether it is you displaying them or him. If the other guys becomes too controlling, she will probably let him go.

 

Play it cool, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket (unless and until you can sense that she wants to take things to the next level (i.e., exclusivity)).

 

Just my 2 pennies.

 

Yeah, he has tried messaging me and saying stuff to me. I haven't responded. I just let him bark. She thanked me for not responding and said to just ignore him. In my mind it's something different for her, but I feel like she will see what she is missing in due time. I just don't want to let her slip away either.

[Brokennow32]

Then I would suggest that you both honestly express that and that rather than doing all the crazy chasing, maybe talk more about what has changed and how you both can create a concrete plan going forward to avoid some of the pitfalls from the past. That might actually give you both more confidence in each other than mindless over the top romantic chasing. Especially when it's one sided.

 

I mean if you both can put the past aside, it's a nonstarter and you just spinning your wheels in the mud. Setting the past aside and giving the relationship a fresh start is a decision and not a very romantic one. You are either in and willing to carry on with the changes and committed to it, or you need to cut your losses and move on. By you, I mean both of you equally.

 

We have opened up and talked about it. I think she still has some fear that I may not be who I say that I have become. 3 months ago if I said this stuff I wouldn't have believed it myself. But something inside of me clicked and it worked out for the better. I think I just need a chance to show her that it's going to be different and that's sort of what I want the romantic night for.

[Wiseman2]

Wow she must be ego-tripping with you two going after her like this. No wonder she's in the one-up position here.

 

If you were to step back that whole dynamic would change and she would be the one blowing in the wind, not you.

Yeah, he has tried messaging me and saying stuff to me. I haven't responded. I just let him bark. She thanked me for not responding and said to just ignore him.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah, he has tried messaging me and saying stuff to me. I haven't responded. I just let him bark. She thanked me for not responding and said to just ignore him.

 

I don't have much to add other than this guy seems a little unhinged seeing he thought it ok to reach out to you after only one date with her?

Don't respond. Continue to take the high road. His behavior is concerning.

[katrina1980]

 

If you were to step back that whole dynamic would change and she would be the one blowing in the wind, not you.

 

I agree with this!

 

Speaking from experience (I have been in her shoes).... the best thing you can do (which you HAVE done) is tell her how you feel -- that you know you've made mistakes, but have since introspected and learned, that you still have feelings for her and want to try again.

 

BUT... you understand she is seeing another guy, and you don't want to get in between, but if it doesn't work out, to contact you.

 

THEN PULL BACK. Date other girls, live your life. Don't call, don't text.

 

She KNOWS how you feel, so let her think about that, think about you, wonder about you and miss you.

 

THAT is how you rekindle old feelings, create that desire in her again.

 

She has to MISS YOU. Ache for you.

 

Being there for her and showering her with attention serves you no good purpose whatsoever. Oh she will love your attention, and HER BOYFRIEND's attention, she might even enjoy playing you guys against each other. But it serves YOU no good purpose because it won't create the raw desire for you like you have for her.

 

You sort of have to start from scratch with her -- like when you first met.

 

So again pull back.... let her think about you, wonder about you (and who you might be dating) and most importantly miss you.

 

That is how you re-build the attraction.....if it's even able to be re-built.

 

Depending on how happy she is with this new guy, it may not be.

 

She already knows how you feel, so it's her call. IF she misses you and feels that desire for you again, she knows where to find you.