Unable to be loving towards my partner

[Di_ya2009]

I really think I have a problem with showing/receiving love and affection. My partner is very patient, kind and loving towards me. He is excited to spend time with me, takes me to all the places I would like to visit and remembers our anniversaries and treats me so well. He gets a long with my friends and family very well.

 

Yet, I push him. I push him away by accusing him of being a liar based on him lying about one or two things in the past and how flirty he is when talking to females. He is a very open and friendly person overall. However when talking to females I feel like he makes an extra effort and his friends who are all married always talk about females and if they are at a Christmas party they take photos and send it of ‘hot girls’; I’ve seen him do it too.

It very much bothers me as it is disrespectful, I feel like he is taking the necessary steps to resolve certain issues i.e having boundaries with females etc.

I do not want to control him and I realize he will find other females attractive which is fine but sending photos or being flirty is not.

 

Despite all the positive aspects I get bothered by these things and get annoyed and don’t feel like showing my love and affection. Please help.

I also see him on his phone a lot.

 

I know in the past he deletes certain convos.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me but I don't think I trust him and it's holding me back.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Has he cheated or lied before? It sounds like there are issues with both honesty and trust.

 

Does he know about the connection between his flirting and your lack of affection?

I get bothered by these things and get annoyed and don’t feel like showing my love and affection.

[gebaird]

Things definitely can't keep going like this, as withholding affection will cause the relationship to fail. Either he needs to change or you do.

[rosephase]

Looking back at your past threads it seems like you have never trusted him. It's hard to be affectionate with someone you don't trust.

 

It's hard to tell if this is a problem of his or a problem of yours. You say you have trust issues. He does things that seem out of line to you. How does he react when you address the things he is doing that are out of line?

[Ms Darcy]

You said a lot and yet not a lot.

 

Do you have a question?

[katrina1980]

Things definitely can't keep going like this, as withholding affection will cause the relationship to fail. Either he needs to change or you do.

 

I agree with this^.

 

Him doing this (below) will cause the RL to fail too.

 

 

...accused him of being a liar based on him lying about one or two things in the past and how flirty he is when talking to females. He is a very open and friendly person overall. However when talking to females I feel like he makes an extra effort and his friends who are all married always talk about females and if they are at a Christmas party they take photos and send it of ‘hot girls’; I’ve seen him do it too.

 

OP, I would find this^ very disrespectful too.

 

In fact, **** like this would cause me to seriously re-think whether or not I wanted to continue dating him.

 

If we haven't been dating long (a few months), it would be a dealbreaker.

 

It goes to his character, his integrity (or lack thereof) and how he views his relationship with you (not seriously or respectfully).

 

No wonder you find it difficult to show affection and be loving. Most woman would, when their "boyfriend" does **** like this.

 

Choose wisely.

[catfeeder]

Di, didn't you just write about feeling unable to feel loving toward an old friend?

 

This is intended to be helpful, not snide: consider seeking counseling.

 

You demo a tendency toward internalizing others' behavior as a slight against you, and then you grow a chip and carry that around. That can't feel good.

 

This is not to excuse BF's behavior if he's legitimately been disloyal toward you, but given your reflex to view the attention a loved one pays to another as an insult, I'd consider that there are two forms of jealousy: real and imagined.

 

Jealousy is real when someone behaves suspiciously enough to cause you to withdraw your trust, so if boyfriend has done that, dump him. However, there's also the imagined kind of jealousy that you can carry around and project onto people regardless of whether they've actually done anything to deserve it. If you suspect that this is the case with you, understand that nothing will resolve that 'abandonment issue' unless and until you do the real work of healing whatever damaged your psyche in earlier years. Otherwise, you'll just keep projecting the same toxic stuff onto whoever else enters your life, making yourself (and everyone around you) miserable.

 

So decide whether BF is trustworthy or not, and if he's not, don't waste any more time on him. But beyond that, consider whether your tendency to get miserable over any attention others enjoy without you being the focus of it is worth a bit of work with someone who's trained to help you address that.

 

Head high,

Cat

[Di_ya2009]

Wiseman: We have been together for over 2 and a half years now and live together. He has lied to me before hence why I have trust issues.

However when I call him out he realizes how much it bothers me and corrects his behaviour.

 

But because of his previous lie I am still suspicious.

[Di_ya2009]

rosephase: Once he realizes how much something upsets me he addresses the issue and changes his behaviour.

[Di_ya2009]

Ms Darcy, I guess I was trying to find out if I am being toxic and creating issues and how do I let go of past hurt and embrace the positive aspects of my relationship.

[Di_ya2009]

Thank you catfeeder!

 

I think it is a bit of both. My partner has done a few things hat made me have trust issues however he has corrected them. Yet I can't seem to let them go and I get angry and take it out on him. I do feel that I need to seek counselling.

My partner has made mistakes but overall is a very loving partner yet I react negatively and push him away. i.e let's say he has a close female best friend (I am okay with him having friends of opposite sex) but she flirts, I get upset at him. Then months pass by and I will bring it up and create an issue saying I bet he wants to be with her. It sounds very messed up even to me but I do not know why I do it.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, I guess I was trying to find out if I am being toxic and creating issues and how do I let go of past hurt and embrace the positive aspects of my relationship.

 

Have you asked your bf these questions? His answer might be insightful.

[gebaird]

let's say he has a close female best friend (I am okay with him having friends of opposite sex) but she flirts, I get upset at him.

 

I think the optimal part of this sentence is "she flirts." Are you getting mad at your BF for the way his female friends are behaving, or for the way HE is behaving? One is within his control, and the other is not. You can't both be okay and not be okay with him having female friends. Maybe you WANT to be okay with it, so you let him do it, but deep down you aren't okay with it and therefore these emotions come out as insecurities weeks or months later.

 

It's important in every situation to take accountability for your side of the issue and work on yourself. Is your definition of flirting objective, or are you being overly sensitive about every little thing that could possibly be construed as flirting?

 

It's also important to be honest about how your boyfriend's actions are affecting you. Are lines being crossed that shouldn't be? When you correct your boyfriend's behavior and he makes adjustments, are they temporary adjustments or are they lasting? The fact that you have to regularly correct him makes me wonder how deep the change really goes.

 

I have a few female friends who are also friends with my wife -- they are not just MY friends, they are OUR friends. There is no flirtatious behavior occurring at all, much less in front of my wife. If your boyfriend's female friends don't understand what it means to have a platonic relationship, he should not be friends with them. Male/female friendships are possible, but some pairings are truly platonic and others mask romantic feelings (from one person or both).

[Di_ya2009]

Thank you for your insight gebaird.

 

I think I am overly sensitive and have trust issues however he has also done things that makes me distrust him. I.E talking up girls at parties and adding them to social media claimaing they are just friends. Also his group of friends are all married yet are always talking about girls and sending photos of girls in thier group chats. When it's a female flirting with him I do not get upset at him; I tell him the friendship cannot continue and he agreed.

 

I said earlier that he handles my concerns well but recently he just gets defensive and tries to turn things around instead of taking responsibilioty for his action. He tried to reconnect with a friend knowing that it upsets me and after agreeing to detach himself from that friendship. To me it shows lack of respect.

 

I spoke to him about it and he realized it was a 'mistake' but I do not see it as a mistake because he knowgly did it so it was a choice.

[Ms Darcy]

You seem to not like a lot of the things he does. But he sees nothing wrong with it and does not seem like he is going to change.

 

Instead of trying to control a man who is doing things you don't like over and over, like reconnecting with someone, I think you should let him go. For your own sanity.

[Di_ya2009]

Thanks Ms. Darcy; except I really want to make it work. But you are right I feel like I am loosing my sanity because I know I cannot change him nor do I want to control him.

[Di_ya2009]

Going back to the title of my post...I do not know why when I get into a romantic relationship or very close to people I act hateful...every small thing they do hurts me. I have veryexpecations and when they do not meet it I get sour and say hurtful things...yet when it comes to aquaitances, co-workers ...people love me off.

[gebaird]

Going back to the title of my post...I do not know why when I get into a romantic relationship or very close to people I act hateful...every small thing they do hurts me. I have veryexpecations and when they do not meet it I get sour and say hurtful things...yet when it comes to aquaitances, co-workers ...people love me off.

 

It sounds like there is some work you can do on yourself to improve the issues mentioned above, but it also sounds like your current relationship isn't working for you and isn't likely to change. It's probably just a matter of WHEN it ends, not IF.

 

I'd recommend therapy to help you better understand how you're showing up in romantic relationships and why you fall into similar negative patterns. Otherwise these issues could continue to haunt you.