My Gf broke up with me, but doesn't know what she wants or how she feels

[GrayFox89]

Hi, I am 27 and my gf 29.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together since January this year and we have always had a strong bond, we knew each other for about a year before we got together too. We have always been one of those couples that just look and seem good together where nothing could come between us, which was true up until October, when things changed. Everything changed when my girlfriends grandmother passed away, which hit her very hard as they were close. She became abit distant, and emotionally disconnected, to the point that she said she felt empty. I was there for her all the way through, from holding her hand at the funeral, to being the shoulder to cry on, I couldn't have been more of a rock to her. A month later we were hit with another tragedy last month when a close friend of hers succumbed to cancer, which then was another hit. since these events she became completely distant, I felt like i just wasn't wanted, but i knew what emotional turmoil she was going through so I stood by, gave her space if she wanted it and generally made sure she knew I was there for her. As well as emotionally disconnected she became snappy and agitated very easily with me.

 

The past week we didnt see each other much, but that was down to my own work commitments, so Monday to Saturday we didnt see each other, however getting a conversation from her even through txt was very difficult, such as If i txt her I wouldn't hear back for hours, or If i didnt contact her i wouldnt hear a thing, and then when I did hear from her I would get an abrupt one sentence message. Its pretty much been like that for a couple of weeks. I thought a bit of space such as that would be good for us, which it was, and the weeks gone we had a great time. We went to a gig, a great night out, and spent a nice couple of days together. Then last night she came round and I could instantly tell something was wrong. When I asked if she was ok she said no, and then after speaking and getting emotional together over her decision, she left. The thing is though is that she said she doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. She doesn't know if she still loves me and neither of us know what to do. She broke it off but on more of an unofficial basis because she needs to think. I will give her the space she needs, and I suggested that maybe she isn't thinking in a rational mind about this because of everything lately and her emotional state.

 

Now we have left it how it is with her thinking about things and whether or not this is definitely what she wants and taking everything into consideration. Apparently I have done nothing wrong and I am a perfect special person, but at the moment she feels nothing. I'm just at a stage that I dont know what to do. I love this girl with all my heart and would do anything for her, so I will wait on her, but I just keep wondering if there is anything else I can do. Ive been tempted to message her housemate who I also know, and ask her to speak to her over the next couple of days and try to establish abit more of whats wrong and help her to see that her decision is just irrational blind thought made in an emotionless state.

 

What does everyone else think?

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is trying to deal with things in her own way and unfortunately you went into smothering mode trying to "fix" her grief.

 

Telling her she's "not rational" for breaking up with you is a huge insult and mistake. It goes along with you suffocating her to fix her grief. Go no contact and consider it a breakup.

 

Frankly it may have nothing to do with her recent losses and could just be run-of-the-mill breakup lines about space because she's not feeling it or lost interest.

She broke it off but on more of an unofficial basis because she needs to think. I will give her the space she needs, and I suggested that maybe she isn't thinking in a rational mind about this because of everything lately and her emotional state.

[Doc Blaze]

You do nothing and try to take it day by day.

 

IMO if you try to do anything to fix this right now it will only push her farther away and make her feel like she made the correct decision. she does need to figure things out by herself whether it be you in her future or walking away for good.

[GrayFox89]

I was just trying to be there for her as any good partner would. She agreed with me that the whole not thinking rationally because of what has happened could be a reason, but she just didnt know. She said she needs abit of time to find herself again because she feels she isnt the same person anymore. Another thing that I thought it might be aswell is a condition she has where her brain doesn't produce enough of a certain chemical, a chemical that keeps you emotionally stable. Shes been on meds for it since before I met her which keeps her chemical levels normal. Its something that destroyed her previous relationship because she just went cold and detached so he left her before she found out what it was. So it has crossed my mind.

 

I just wonder if given time, she might find that she misses me and does love me.

[GrayFox89]

So you reckon its a no on contacting her housemate to see if she will talk to her about things? So far We havent spoken since this morning, and was going to leave it that way until she contacts me. I just didnt want to declare it as a confirmed break up. Ive told only one person, not family and ive not cancelled any plans yet either. Even things like facebook, Ive not changed anything on it. I Want to give her time and Fight for her before I just say "Oh f**k it we're done, bye"

 

The problem these days is that no one fights for each other or resolves things. Its too easy these days to just walk away like nothing ever happened. Im not like that.

[MissCanuck]

Do not contact her housemate. It's not her place to act as your intermediary, and it's not appropriate for you to be speaking about your relationships problems with her.

 

I know you are looking for answers and reasons, but telling her she isn't thinking rationally after her losses or suggesting she has a chemical imbalance isn't fair. While these might be contributing factors, she is an adult and she knows her own heart and mind better than you do. I know it hurts to consider, but it may really be that she just doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and doesn't feel it's right to be in a relationship. She is dealing with a lot and it's possible she just doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now.

 

Give her plenty of space. Perhaps she will realize that the problem isn't you or the relationship, and thus doesn't want to let go of it. But she will need time to sort out her feelings. It's up to you to decide if you want to hang on when there is no certain outcome.

 

I have to disgaree that nobody fights for anything these days. A quick skim through these forums will attest to that. The problem is that we can't fight for something when the other party is already gone. It's hard to say if your girlfriend has reached that point or not, but don't let it drag on too long if you see that things aren't improving.

[Wiseman2]

Why aren't you giving her the time and space she asked for? Agree with other posters you are pushing her away and badgering her to "fight for her". She can't even think, no less miss you with you contacting her and her people.

 

You also depict her as so mentally incapable that only you can decide if it's a break up and you are grossly disrespecting her wishes to leave her alone and give her space.

 

Perhaps being overbearing and trying to think for her is why she broke up? She wants space. That isn't because of mood disorders or medications it's because it's what she's told you.

She said she needs abit of time to find herself again because she feels she isnt the same person anymore.

[GrayFox89]

I havent over contacted her :s I said we hadnt spoken since this morning and I was contemplating talking to her housemate, but I havent which is why I asked if thats a good idea. Ive not said to her face about the imbalance she has making the problem, its just something ive thought to myself that could be a reason, as Im trying to figure out a reason to all of this. Im giving her time that she needs and I have never been an over bearing partner. shes always had her freedom and ive never got in the way of her doing anything she wants or pestered her. The whole space thing isnt down to what I have done, its regarding getting her own head together to get a clear view as to what she wants.

Ive said to her too that I will give her time and will wait for her because I dont want to just walk away, but ive not been badgering about it. The only thing ive said I need is to know at some point so that im not held on by a thread forever not knowing whats happening, because as much as i hate to admit it, there has to be a point that a decision is made.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You should not be waiting in limbo. However "space" is a specifically designed excuse to breakup to keep you there as long as you choose to be.

 

Also agree that it may not be about you at all and that she is just done and wants her freedom. A yr or so of dating is often the time someone realizes or decides they just want out because it's not working or they aren't feeling it.

I said we hadnt spoken since this morning and I was contemplating talking to her housemate The whole space thing isnt down to what I have done.The only thing ive said I need is to know at some point so that im not held on by a thread forever not knowing whats happening.

[DancingFool]

Don't put your well being into her hands and leave the decisions to her. She has enough to deal with from the sounds of it. So the last thing that she needs is to be responsible for your life. Instead, take control of your own life. If you are willing to wait for her to sort herself, you are the one who gets to decide how long, not her. Give yourself a deadline and once it's passed, cut the string and move on. As in start dating again. If it makes you feel better and you don't want to totally shut her out, you can always tell her that she is free to contact you at any time and hey, you might be single, you might not be. The point is that after the deadline, you are not sitting on your hands keeping your life on hold still waiting on her.

 

Hate to be harsh, but.....don't kid yourself with making excuses like her head is not in the right space and so she will come back. Breaking up is a long coming decision, even if to you it seems abrupt. She has been mauling it over for awhile, so you'd do yourself a greater favor if you accepted the idea that she actually meant to break up.

[GrayFox89]

Ok so Ive not heard anything from her for over a week now and I just dont know what to do. After talking to friends about it I gave her one txt on the tuesday night, which they believed would be a good idea so that she knows iam still thinking of her. 1 txt and nothing more, just saying that iam thinking of her, wishing her well and that she is doing ok. I heard nothing back from the txt which i didnt think i would anyway and didnt send it for a reply. All i want to do now though is to contact her again and find out what we are doing. I dont know whether to contact her again this tuesday, a week after my first txt, just asking how she is and maybe if she would like to meet for a drink to chat, or if I should wait until next Friday when there is a good possibility that we will see each other at a night out we always attend at a local venue, where I and most likely her will be with our friends. I am thinking this night might be a chance to rekindle us, and to chat and see if she has missed me. I would play it cool and not go rushing in, but i think it could be a good opportunity for us to get the ball rolling again, and then see if she wants meet again just me and her.

 

I have been trying to play it cool through this situation and not smother her or push her away, which I believe I have done pretty well with. I miss her so much and I would do anything to bring us together again, i am just fed up of being in this limbo state. I have thought to myself that after this coming week and that night out, whether i see her or not i would like to contact her to see what the deal is, whether a couple of weeks space has helped her to get herself together and we can start the new year on a high together, or if we are to part ways i can atleast go into next year with some closure.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but your friends gave you bad advice. Stay no contact. If you smother her she'll ignore you further and eventually get creeped out.

 

Wait until she contacts you or you see her.

I heard nothing back from the txt which i didnt think i would anyway and didnt send it for a reply.

[Soulsearching3]

Can someone help me how to post here? I need sm help

[HeartGoesOn]

What is "sm help?" Are you posting using a cell phone?

[MissCanuck]

I think it's safe to say you are broken up, OP.

 

Her ignoring you is sending a pretty clear message.

[dirkdaring]

"I need space" was her way of breaking up with you.

You're wanting to excuse it as bad timing with the losses in her life.

You're also wanting her to spell it out for you and just say "WE ARE BROKEN UP."

But she's not going to do that.

I know you're holding on to the fact that she DIDN'T actually say that, but "I need space" is often EXACTLY the same as "I'm breaking up with you."

You're wondering why she isn't contacting you' she's wondering why you don't just take the hint.

It's crummy, to be sure, but it's common.

She's done.

Go no-contact, treat it like a break-up that was spelled out point blank, grieve, heal, and move on.

[No1]

My friend would say you have Paralyzation by Over-analyzation. You are thinking so much that you dont know what to do. So if I may, let me simplify it for you and hope that can make you make a move.

 

You have to accept the current situation at hand. Or you must accept the "Now" Which is you are single, she is not with you. This way of thinking means there is no middle area, no gray area. You are single and thus you should perhaps move forward without her being in your life.. because that is what she currently is.. Not in your life anymore.

 

She broke up with you. Regardless of reason or the lack of communication from her.. she has ended the relationship and you should act like it is over and move forward as if you are single.

 

I know you are confused, and you want answers to your questions. You want to analyze and figure out where things went wrong, what could you have done to make things better, could of you of done things to prevent this outcome? I know you asking that by staying in the same place and asking questions isnt helping you. Now, maybe one day you will get your answers, but you wont get them right now. So I think you should move on (notice the message here) You have currently given her all the power in this current situation. But lets look at one thing that should tell you the truth.

 

She knows you are out there, she also knows you want to be with her and yet she is staying away from you.... this action is a signal that she no longer wants to be with your romantically. Im sorry to say but this is how you have to look at it. Now this doesnt mean you made any mistakes, doesnt mean that you messed up or that you are not deserving of a GF. It takes two to make a relationship work and if one party doesnt want to be in it, then its doomed. Your X just doesnt want to be in a relationship with you anymore and I hope you realize that the reason behind her decision doesnt really matter.

 

What you can do is stand up and hold your head high and be proud. You said you were a great boyfriend and you must believe it. You can say you treated her right and she still chose to let you go. Thats is okay and you will find someone worthy of your attention. You now have room in your heart and life for someone better and you will be happy again.

 

Relax... everything is okay and move forward.. dont text with your X because she has to be the one to come to you.. Not you go to her. You will be okay