In need of opinion on complicated matter..

[Jackiegirl0997]

So I'm in need of an outsider's point of view because I really don't know if my opinion is getting clouded by my own feelings toward a person.

 

Here's the deal: my boyfriend and I met through a mutual group of friends. A couple, really. He's been friends on and off with these two since they were in middle school, now being 34 years old. However, the couple and I recently had a falling out and i was treated pretty badly by these two people when I actually still wanted to remain friends and civil, the woman in particular went off the deep end with verbal abuse and just uncalled for behavior. In the middle of all of this, my boyfriend and I separated and I thought I was done with them all for good. However a few months after all of this, my now boyfriend and I reconnected and ended up getting back together (his idea) but I had even wondered in the beginning how it would even work with two of his friends hating me so much and clearly not accepting of me. He said he didn't care at all what they think or say, that he loves me and that's all that matters and had told them that.

 

So is it that bad that I get SO irked when he leaves me at home to go over their house to "drop something off" or "check something out" when all the while I was friends with them my boyfriend would complain about them and say how they aren't actually even that good of people, or how his daughter just turned 8 and neither of them have ever gotten her a birthday gift or attended a party. Or how he's done so much for them over the years and when he needs something in return they're nowhere to be found?

 

we're planning on moving in together soon into a house and I brought up since I'm not allowed over their home anymore is she allowed in mine? If I'm paying half the bills and let's say we have a child together, I don't want someone who spoke to me in such a disgusting way in my home, he doesn't know what to say.

 

I asked him about it today and he said "look I told you I didn't Care what they said or Think but that's where it stops. It's not my fault you guys had a falling out" I'm there through every holiday, whenever he has a flat, needs a meal at work when he works overtime, or anything like that and I just feel like I should be put first and he shouldn't go out of his way to even see them or bring them anything. It actually causes fights but it's like take care of the people who take care of you. If someone treated him that way he would come first. The woman who I had the real falling out with didn't even like him she said the worst things about him and now that we're "enemies" she's going out of her way to invite him over and ask him to go to all these things. Where do I stand here ..

[Wiseman2]

Before you buy a house and move in together you'll have to come to terms with the fact that this is your war, not his. He doesn't have to hate everyone you hate. He is not actively insisting on your socializing or being friends with them.

[reinventmyself]

he shouldn't go out of his way to even see them or bring them anything

 

I just wanted to clarify your expectations. You first state he 'drops something off' and then end paint it as `going out of his way'

Which one is it because these are two entirely different things?

 

Is your expectation that he no longer have any contact with these people?

[Jackiegirl0997]

Well like today he brought shirts over there that weren't his size for his friend to have. Like either of them do anything but talk crap about him (or at least they did to me) leaving me to twiddle my thumbs at his house. We were in the middle of hanging out and he wanted to go over there to see something new they bought and bring him shirts. I really don't even know my expectations I just wish there was a way I didn't Get so annoyed with them being chummy with eachother after I witnessed how fake the friendship really was.

[Jackiegirl0997]

I do like that. "My war not his".. however I just don't like the fact that he saw how they treated me and stil does things with them

[j.man]

Do you have friends of your own?

[Jackiegirl0997]

Yeah I have plenty whom I see often.

[zeino]

How disrespectful was this fall out that you define as verbal abuse and uncalled for behaviour? (Whatever it is, it seems like your partner doesn't think this is as important as you think.) Honestly, I wouldn't like my partner to go places where I'm barred from, that would feel exclusionary. Once of twice maybe. But more than that would annoy me. (And I would think my partner is a bit spineless to be honest. This may be too agressive, but I think the unmet needs would translate into this and I would get slightly triggered.)

 

I'm not from a European or North American culture and your perspective may differ in this but I think partners are being a bit irresponsible here by not contributing to communal peace making. I mean it sounds easy enough to see this as a dispute between women (sounds less important that way) and not do anything. I would expect partners to find a way to bring the two parties together, maybe with apologies or a common ground of civil (but not necessarily friendly behaviour) but if someone is not allowed into a house and if the other partner goes there, it means war in my country Especially after a big fight between two people, if one's dignity is damaged, apologies are expected. Or if two friends want to carry on their friendship independently, they do this without visiting houses because there is an asymmetry there and at least one person will not be happy. The male partner who doesn't comply with this is preparing his own ruin

 

Joking aside, yes, one person would feel excluded. I believe partners don't have to agree with our behaviour, may criticize us and may even think that it is good that we are barred from somewhere, but if they are contributing to exclusionary practices, I believe it would cause discomfort in the private relationship - especially when these people are not super significant like parents or something.

 

Despite all these, you seem to be in a Karpman triangle with you acting like a persecutor in his eyes. Soon he can start seeing you as the problem wrongly. You need to move in the middle of this triangle without giving up on your significant expectations but learning to ask for them in a different way.

[Jackiegirl0997]

thank you all for your input, i appreciate it! i guess its something im going to have to deal with, and maybe somewhere down the road, we can find a common ground again, and get some apologies in there. life is about growth right. can only learn from this..