Don't know what to do.

[Marie83]

It's been a while since I posted. I've been trying to focus on other things and working a lot.

 

After a lot of fighting and some time of no contact, I reached out to my ex before my birthday mid-November. We've been in touch and talked on the phone a few times. Our phone conversations were positive and my ex was going through a rough time as he dated someone for a month and it did not work out and he does not like where he is living and said he was depressed. I supported him during those couple weeks. There was one time when he was mean and said she was wonderful and smart and confident and it was nice and that he doesn't value my opinions and that he has no positive feelings towards me, etc. But in general, he was being nice.

 

I started to realize that since I still loved him, remaining in contact was too hard and we agreed on no contact the day before thanksgiving yet he continued to contact me. Then again on Saturday, I told him I still cared a lot and missed him and it was too hard on me and it was for the best. He contacted me again the next day.

 

I got a potential interview offer for PA school and told him on Tuesday. He did not seem to happy or at least, it felt that way and I asked if he never wanted me to go because he always brought up me being in school and why it would not work out with distance. He got angry and has been upset since. He said I had no confidence and low self-esteem and that I wasn't a friend to him and that he did not want to be friends. He said to not contact him and to move on with my life. He has said that before and always takes it back, but I am sick and tired of being hurt by him. I'm tired of being a doormat or believing in him. I can't do this anyone. It hurts so much to not have him in my life, but when he is, he isn't nice to me. He doesn't care about how he affects me or what he says. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I blocked him on my phone again and fb. We are going to be in the same town next week as its his graduation and my friends are graduating as well and one friend is moving away soon. I wanted to tell him congrats on graduating and Merry Christmas, etc. I don't see a point though because he is so mean to me, but I feel horrible in saying nothing. I don't know what to do. I was there supporting him through his entire PhD in which is graduating with. What would y'all do? I just want peace. I've been seeing a therapist. I've lost a best friend too and I feel so alone right now.

 

Background info is that we broke up in Feb. He said some hurtful things and could not give me an answer about what would happen when he moved away. I wanted to resolve it or for him to fight for me and that happened once I moved on in May. In May, he professed his love and desire to be with me, but never once after said he wanted to be with me yet was really nice for the most part and we were sleeping together. It pushed me away that I would drive hours all summer and it seemed to be for nothing. We had a fight after he left and I thought that was it. He came back surprisingly and asked me to move with him. I had just started working and needed to save up money and wanted to see if he meant it by visiting him a month later. He took it all back, became distant. We fought a lot: said hurtful things and then didn't speak for almost a month. My dad had heart surgery during that time and he said nothing and I lost a best friend who was pretty much my sister too. That was right up until my birthday last month.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like an abusive, horrible, toxic, dysfunctional relationship on life-support between two people who can not let go of hurting each other, not like two healthy exes who moved apart emotionally and geographically and made the wise choice to end it.

 

The saddest part is he's achieved a PhD in all this wasted time and you are still struggling to even get started on your career. It's great you are going to therapy, but is this therapist ok with all this self-defeating behavior and pretending to be goody-two shoes as an excuse to contact him again?

 

Sustained no contact and delete block should have happened long ago. You haven't really broken up or ended your relationship you have simply upped the dosage of toxicity to the level of Chernobyl.

I blocked him on my phone again and fb. We are going to be in the same town next week as its his graduation and my friends are graduating as well and one friend is moving away soon. I wanted to tell him congrats on graduating and Merry Christmas, etc. I don't see a point though because he is so mean to me, but I feel horrible in saying nothing.

[brunchner]

Hey, I am so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I won't lie, it's not easy.

 

To be honest with you, and I don't want to dilute this down to the point where I can't get this across so I will say it straight up, this man is toxic in your life.

 

I know and understand that you probably have had so much sweet and amazing memories in your times together, and that is probably why you still care so much about him, but it will only tear you up more to even just be a friend to him.

 

If he truly wants you back, he would be willing to change himself for you. Partners are not suppose to tell each other to stay exactly where they are, but are suppose to encourage each other to go pursue his/her dreams, and if the end goals are the same, accompany the other along the way.

 

I understand that because he was, and probably still is, someone very important to you, you do not want to "abandon" him, but think for yourself for once. I say this because I'm just like you, sister. I used to put so many people before myself so much I ultimately crash and have fallen into a mini depression because of it. If you stay, it'll cost you not only your tears but your future.

 

Go out there and find someone willing to hold your hand and walk through hard times with you, willing to look at you in the eyes and say how much you mean to him, willing to fall to his knees and say how much of a blessing you are to him.

[gebaird]

Wow, it sounds like it's been a REALLY rough year for you. I'm sorry

 

Sometimes in order to have peace later you have to be willing to do hard things now. Letting him go will be hard and it will hurt, but then you can heal and move on. Nothing is going to get better for you as long as he is in your life.

 

If you want 2017 to be better than 2016, stop investing in a relationship that has no future.

[MissCanuck]

OP, a little tough love:

 

You have posted many threads similar to this one.

 

Please, print this one and show it to your therapist. He/she needs to know the extent to which you continue to sabotage your own healing by constantly seeking out ways to contact your ex.

 

Nobody here can really give you good advice if you won't help yourself first. You're being your own worst enemy by continuing to initiate contact, so tips and suggestions are rather futile.