Should i keep on keeping on?

[jammin89]

First time to post on anything like so bear with me and my terrible grammar.

 

So bit about myself: i am 27 years old, young professional pursuing a career and trying to make something out of myself... not trying to conquer the world or be the next pope but just a stable career with a more than decent salary and achievable goals set for the future. I have always had a plan and stuck with it and everything is great in that aspect. I am very laid back and not really a confrontational person even though i know i am far from flawless. I say things i don't mean when i am angry or even worse i say things that are too true and do not think of the repercussions. I'm not verbally abusive i just do not put up with bull that well.

 

So the problem lies with my boyfriend of 4 years. I met him a couple year after college while i was traveling for work. I ended up moving to the area and we pretty much connected right off. I'd go as far to say that i love him more than anybody i have loved before and truly want to spend my life with him. The only problem is that he comes with some baggage and the realist in me is trying to figure out if i am doing the right thing.

 

When i found him he had just started back to school after a couple year break due to his parents getting a divorce and not paying for his school anymore. Very ty thing to happen and trust me i have heard all about it the last few years, even though he has finally come to terms with it, we have moved on to our lives together and not dwindled on the past. He was going to community college perusing his engineering degree (same as me) and it was a bonding experience. At first he was doing poorly in school and said that he could not juggle working all the time and taking 18 credit hours (i advised against this). I felt sorry for him and one semester he had failed all of his classes except for a couple that he was retaking (barely passed). So be being the gentle soul and trying to help him get through school (i had help from my parents and i know his were going through some hard times) so i told him he didn't have to work for a semester and i would take care of everything (bills, gas, food, rent, i had a company vehicle so i let him use my personal one) pretty much he didn't have to pay for a dime as long as he did three things which he agreed to: 1. Keep the house clean and take car of the dog (i worked long hours sometimes days at a time and needed the help or else i was going to have to give my dog away), 2. Use his current financial aid to pay for classes, 3. focus on those classes and DO WELL IN THEM.

 

Well as the semester progresses he would skip classes. Stay up late playing video games, we would go out drinking a couple times during the week (as i said i'm far from perfect and i regret this) but he always assured me that things were under control. The house would never get cleaned. He would sleep literally until 5 in the afternoon.... i would get home from work, cook clean, and be going to bed as he was getting up. I noticed shortly that he was not doing homework, habitually skipping classes, his lack of commitment lead to him missing two exams and he would lie to his professors about some family death or something to try and get in to retake them a couple weeks after. When i tried/ try to confront him about these things he always goes on the defensive. He is quick to anger and is pretty damn good at making me feel in the wrong. On top of this he was extremely insecure and would always say i was cheating on him. He still does in his own way even though we have gotten over this for the most part.

 

Anyways, i eventual grew jealous.... he would get to sit home all day.... do NOTHING, FAIL classes while i was working my ass off trying to support two people at the same time which i had never done before; in a house where we originally had three people including myself pay rent (him, this other girl who left because they got in a fight with each other, and myself). my 500 a month payment went to 1300. either way i could afford it at the time but i was young to and struggling with my spending habits. The financial responsibility, his lack of responsibility to school and cleaning pretty much made me put my foot down and recall my offer. I thought if he had a job he would wake up for it at least since people made him do it and go to school, get a better sleeping habit and get a better plan. So he went back to work.... working terrible hours (2-8 in the morning and classes all day; also advised against this). Anyways back to the same excuses. "community college was a joke", "His parents took him out of a real university" "he has to work and go to school and life is unfair and rough." Needless to say he failed school again. He was really bent out of shape about the community college and said the classes were a joke and the teachers were not qualified and didn't know how to teach. (idk how he would know he never went). I confront him about this yet again and tell him he needs to quit his job, get a different one through the campus or something where he has free time to study (ex: hotel receptionis, security booth) as i had friends that did this in school. He insisted on making that extra $1 per hour and not realizing he is wasting THOUSANDS in student debt and retaking classes. This is when i learn that outside of his parents splitting up he was doing poorly in school and his mom refused to pay for it anymore (i'm sure the truth is a mellow blend of both stories) on top of this his student debt had just came to my attention. I took that as a hard blow. I want kids, a future, that cookie cutter mid class house in a neighborhood where all the yards have to be mowed the same way ect. I have worked hard to get where i am.... my bf was committed and showed the same potential and expectations of himself but he just seems to never live up to his word.

 

Soooo we move... i got relocated, he hated community college where we were living so i told him that he could move with me. He could start at a new university once his in state status kicked in, all was good. He accepted looking for a way to get out so we ran off to a different state. Make a new start for both of us, he could get into a better school after a couple semesters boosting his gpa, i could get a promotion glorious! In truth, i worked in the oil industry and my promotion was quickly taken away and i got a 50k pay cut. I did not expect this. I worked more, got payed less, was really struggling financially so he said he would cover the bills since he was working and i could get the rent. I never saw a dime. He racked up credit card bills and even though he does not have outstanding debt there. he would have to pay them off and make enough for gas for the month. Still in community college he starts missing classes again. He focused on the drama at his job and i start hearing less about physics and more about how the world has wronged him and the people he work with are worthless and treating him badly. (he was late to work constantly and skipped a couple days just because). Either way i am starting to see a trend now with the bouncing around jobs, failing corses and making up X exscuse for it even though he does not ut in the effort. Then i made a terrible mistake, I told him if he was having issues focusing in school then to try and get a script for adderall. I dominated test on adderall while i was in school and could learn and entire subject in the matter of a couple days (and retain it!). Know that this is not the righteous thing to do but hey... we live in the time we live in.

 

Anyways so now he just starts taking adderall and staying up for 2-3 days at a time. Being really F***ing hateful in the meantime and spending 60% of his time trying to cheat on test as opposed to studying for them. Yet again he fails school. By fail i mean he might get 1 A in an easy class, usually C's with an f always in there) either way it was not good enough for the university that he wanted to get into because he sets unrealisticly high expectations for himself. if barely have a 2.0 chances are your not studious enough to take classes and get into a school that requires a 3.5 to transfer.... W/e. I'm supportive and just want him to PROGRESS FORWARD even if it is slowly. Then life throws another curve-ball. (this is probably my fault as well).... I quit my job. I was miserable, barely able to pay bills, working 80 hour weeks. My promotion went to and i was stuck doing work that was not fun and not emotionally or intellectually rewarding. I talked to him about it and we agreed that it was something that i could do. I just got my tax return and since i traveled so much it was enough that, if i budgeted we could live off it for about 5 months until i found another job. So... a few months later.... (BTW DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB WITHOUT HAVING ONE ALREADY THE JOB MARKET IS , SERIOUSLY PROBABLY 30 INTERVIEWS AND DEMORALIZING REJECTION LETTERS... A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN AMERICAN UNEMPLOYED). Anyways i finally got a job even though i had to start entry level because i wanted to get out of oil and into something stable for career building. We move again.

 

I am currently up here and employed and he is going to move up in a couple weeks. He failed all his classes again, he is blaming us moving, he is blaming me for moving him even though he will not say it to my face. He just got fired from his job because he missed work and was late. He transferred to another department behind his managers back thinking it would go away and instead of confronting her and getting it taken care of he made and issue with HR and they terminated his access so the job he would of had moving up here is long gone. He dropped out of most of his classes using the escuse that they "would not transfer even though i know he probably made F's in all of them). He missed another test and his cheating strategy didn't work on the retake so he is going to have to RETAKE THE WHOLE THING AGAIN. He usually passes them on the third try so i have high hopes. He called me today ing about how he lost his job and failed his test (all of which if he would have listened to me he would still have a job, made it back in time to pass his classes, and probably be two years ahead of where he is now and getting close to graduating). But on a serious note, I finally had enough and instead of comforting him while he licks his self inflicted wounds I blew up. I told him about his habitual irresponsibility to school, his lack of being accountable for his actions, he persistent path to yell at me when i am trying to guide him to better choices in his life, he still doesn't pay for anything, he still doesn't take care of anything (he cleans a little bit now though). It is just utterly exausting, i do not know if he is incapeable of finding the common link to all of his hardships but it is getting under my skin how he JUST WILL NOT MAN UP AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. Life is hard, life is not fair, he thinks i was handed everything which i was not.... i have worked hard all my life. I worked when i was young to pay for my car, i worked through highschool, i didn't have to work in college but i payed off my student loans quick just to have them replaced with more financial burdens in the form a a boyfriend who is a sloth.

 

Sorry for droneing on but one more thing.... he has over 150k in student debt with AT LEAST 2.5 years left in school... for a 4 year degree (i did it in 5 but hey... happens and i am reasonable). He is on year 6? 7? idk he has masked his bad grades in to many different schools for me to know for sure. He was on his third transfer when i met him. He even had the balls to tell me he was thinking of medical school... i just lost it.

 

Outside of all my ranting he is an awesome person.... he is sweet, kind (as long as you to not touch the subject of him failing at life) and we share all the same interests. I just do not know if love is enough.... if he isn't going to step up and finish his degree or be responsible then why do i have to work and pay for everything? He buys me awesome gifts which i do not ask for and he works hard to pay them off but he is just incapable of setting realistic goals and following through with them. At this rate, if he gets out of school soon and gets a job equivalent to the entry level i hold now. We can have kids and be free of his student debt when i am about 40-42. IS WRONG WITH AMERICA? Anyways... just looking for input. or some guidance. If he would just get out of school he can focus on ONE thing and work... he is good at working if he doesn't take morning shifts. But the thing is... he will never pay off his student loans unless he gets a career that pays 6 figures... (150k now? how much will he have when he gets out? 250? 350? will people even give him that much money? ) which in the world we live in is kind of ty. I cosign on NOTHING and he has asked me to marry him. I originally told him after he got out of school... now idk... i cannot have that debt... even if we do live together at least i can take out a loan for a house and he can work for the rest of his life paying for his 16 hour sleep binges now.

[notalady]

I'd leave if I was you. He's lazy and blames everyone else (his parents, the college, the teachers, society) for his own failings, when truth is, he is just lazy and unwilling to put in the required hard work to get somewhere with his life.

 

He'd happily let you support him for the rest of his life and do nothing other than sleep and play, if you had let him.

 

You are working hard and going somewhere in life. Don't let him drag you down and definitely don't marry him and take on his large and growing debt.

[gebaird]

My advice? Read what you just wrote. The answer should be self-evident.

[itsallgrand]

Love isn't enough, in my experience.

There's respect. Communication. Trust. Whether or not someone contributes to my life, and there is good give and take. Whether they can be there and do what needs to be done ( essential to trust, for me personally).

 

This man isn't your match. He's not going where you are going, he's not an equal partner to you.

 

Have you thought about why maybe you have stayed so long? As odd as it may seem, you get something from being in this dynamic. Honestly I would urge you to look at that. In therapy, if necessary.

 

This relationship is so off balanced, I'm wondering why you have tolerated it... Maybe something in your history, or some other reason, but you obviously have a lot going for you.. Yet this is holding you back.

[jammin89]

i actually do have my own reasons which i have thought about in the past. I have always been a bit naive when it comes to the whims of the heart. My main background comes from my first relationship when i was in college. The guy i was dating was a few years older than me and graduated. We tried the whole relationship thing once he moved on but his focus was always on making money. He was in a underpaid job and struggeling with that post college realization that life isn't greener once you walk across the stage and he couldn't afford to come see me. I would make trips up but in the long run it didn't turn out that well. It took me a long time to get over it and his main escuse was that the long distance relationship was to much of a strain and we "we're at different points in our life." I was raised to not think of money as everything and I've always searched for the best in people. I see the goodness in my boyfriend (he's not a bad person just unmotivated) and i told myself that i would never do to someone what the first did to me, i thought the reasons were a bit shallow and my ex did try to rekindle our relationship after i graduated but things were not the same once the knife wound healed over. Of course things are a bit different here but kind of the same. I do not mind waiting on him... i just do not get the reassurance that the wait will ever be over. He is smart, a hard worker and a very capable individual. He just waste it constantly and his sleeping habbits are unbearable. I've been around long enough to where i am losing faith in him. Either way i greatly appreciate everyone's input thus far. It is nice to get an outside perspective on what is in front of me. I've never been one for ultimatums but we had a decent argument and i beat him down with some hard truths and what i hope to be a reality check (he even offered to sacrificed his PS4 and that's the same as giving away your first unborn). He made me grow up a lot and he is at the age (3 years younger) where the weight of the world hits your hard. It just urks me because i KNOW he can do it... he always starts the semester good then ends in a ball of explosive disappointment. He actually focus more on work than he does school so once he gets a job it will be fine. I'm trying to find the light but those loans are just unheard of though. pro and cons aside I honestly think it is time to face reality and move on to being independent once again.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but what you see is what you get. You can't fix or nag someone into who they are not. A substance abuser will always cause you pain. Can you move back home?

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Yikes. How anyone can be late to work is beyond me. I can't stand it. Also missing work "just because" is unacceptable.

 

People that play the victim....such a delight. Sorry but I think you're responsible. You're holding his hand and enabling him.

People get their a$$ wiped too much nowadays. I watched my little sis go down this same road. She is now 27 with no job. Sleeps all day. Failed relationships and a pill habit because she picked the wrong guys. It started when she was about 23 and you wanna know why she still doesn't do anything?? Because her dad enables her behavior and she gets away with it.

 

Put your foot down. Don't let him move in with you are you crazy? Make him prove himself and hold a job and pass. If he can do that then he is a keeper. Stop supporting him. Make him earn his way so he can be a contributing partner. Otherwise you have a man child that would be no help to you let alone raising a family.

[gebaird]

I honestly think it is time to face reality and move on to being independent once again.

 

This is the stone cold truth.

 

You sound like a very loyal and loving person, which can be WONDERFUL when you are in a relationship with someone who honors those qualities and doesn't take advantage of them (purposely or otherwise).

 

This relationship is going nowhere. You can negotiate about jobs and PS4s all you want, but if the relationship was healthy there would be no need for such negotiations.

 

Breaking up with this guy doesn't make you a bad person. Who would have done as much as you did? Who would have stayed as long as you stayed? But your efforts to rescue him (when he CLEARLY doesn't want to be rescued) are holding you back. Free yourself from the shackles of this relationship and spread your wings. You were born to fly.

[catfeeder]

The more responsibility we take on for someone else, the less they'll take for themselves. Have you noticed?

 

Adopting the role of parent to another adult is not only the most unsexy thing you can do, it also won't advance your agenda for that person. It's not helpful, it just enables them to dig a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

I'd tell BF that I adore him and if we're truly a meant-to-be deal, we'll meet on higher ground someday, but in the meantime, we'll both need to get there on our own. Then I'd launch him into the sunset and let him figure it out.