I need advise from divorced females with children

[NIN2000]

For work related reasons I'm out on the road most of the day. Making one of my work related rounds, I met a vibrant young lady who caught my attention not only for her looks but how she expressed herself. In our conversations she proudly spoke about her parents, kids and brother (unlike the usual Miami women who only talk about themselves and where they want to go shopping). I was impressed by her work ethic but more by her responsibility/priorities in life (family, kids, etc).

 

However, there was one thing which struck me odd; she is not from Miami and recently moved here, yet she has no friends or family in this city. Originally she is from Chicago, was married with two kids and upon divorce packed her bags and moved to South Florida. This occurred 5 months ago.

 

I find it odd that her ex husband allowed her take the kids to another state; unless there was domestic violence, drugs, etc. Not to mention; she packed her bags and moved to South Florida "to start fresh and new".

 

Regardless of the above I asked her out and she agreed but recently admitted that she is very hesitant because she feels that her divorce is to recent and she feels odd. She then cancelled the date, apologized but she will text at least twice a week and call on the weekends.

 

I did not force the issue and respectfully backed off. I think she has lots of emotional baggage she needs to deal with but on the other hand I've never experienced a divorce nor do I have kids.

 

A female friend of mine told me that as a recently divorced mom with kids and in a new city with no friends or family has to feel uneasy and it takes time to heal from a divorce.

 

I don't know if I dodged a bullet or am I missing out on someone worthwhile. What do you think?

[RainyCoast]

not a single mom here. just dropping by.

 

the only reason i think you dodged a bullet is because she herself admitted she feels it's too early and she feels odd dating. i bet in her situation, it does.

 

i don't think the other stuff is concerning. people move to start afresh for many reasons, and usually will not disclose them on the first date, before even knowing whether they'll see the person again or not. it doesn't necessarily speak of some dark secret.

 

she sounds delightful though. i'm impressed by people who express themselves candidly like that, it makes it appear like they're really comfortable with who they are, as they are.

[Ms Darcy]

I find it odd that her ex husband allowed her take the kids to another state; unless there was domestic violence, drugs, etc. Not to mention; she packed her bags and moved to South Florida "to start fresh and new".

 

Regardless of the above I asked her out and she agreed but recently admitted that she is very hesitant because she feels that her divorce is to recent and she feels odd. She then cancelled the date, apologized but she will text at least twice a week and call on the weekends.

 

You're sort of making an issue of a non-issue - taking kids to another state. It happens. It's tough but it happens.

 

I think the advice for you is to consider this rule of thumb. Generally, it's advised that people not date for at least a year after divorce because they need time to process things and heal.

[ParisPaulette]

Honestly? Generally speaking you're right, most of the time divorced parents cannot just up and move the kids somewhere else unless the spouse agrees. And generally speaking you don't move your kids elsewhere without a very big reason fresh out of a divorce.

 

Now, it may be domestic violence, or it may be something else entirely. Maybe the ex wants nothing to do with the kids, maybe she doesn't have a network anywhere of family or friends, so she was essentially free to go wherever she wanted. Maybe the divorce was bad enough for whatever reason that she wanted to put as many miles between her past life and now as possible, and somehow she was free to be able to do so having been divorced.

 

I think you can start out by simply asking her what brought her to Miami, like why has she chosen to move there. And take it from there.

 

But romantically, yeah outside of an occasional chat I would leave this one alone for a long time, like try a year. Because when they have just come out of a divorce or long-term relationship it's generally not going to go well for you if you want something long term. A buddy of mine had the rule - divorced or just out of a long-term relationship beyond a year? They needed to be single a minimum, bare minimum of six months after the ink dried on the divorce papers, before he'd date them. In his words, "I got tired of being Rebound Man."

 

I would say she's got some time ahead of her to learn to be single again, be able to reflect on why her last marriage failed, and to learn how to create a new life for her and her kids. I don't see her ready to date and have another relationship very soon, try six months or more depending on what the circumstances were, which I do like that she didn't just unload everything on you.

 

I don't feel you either dodged a bullet or are missing out on someone worthwhile. There are just too many unknowns to make that kind of assessment. But neither is she ready to date, so I would just tell her to reach out of you if or when she's settled in and maybe wants to go grab coffee and if you're available at that time maybe you all can do that. Then you back off and put her to the back of the list as someone who is not ready to date.

[Wiseman2]

Sage advice from your friend 2000;6705822]A female friend of mine told me that as a recently divorced mom with kids and in a new city with no friends or family has to feel uneasy and it takes time to heal from a divorce

[NIN2000]

You're sort of making an issue of a non-issue - taking kids to another state. It happens. It's tough but it happens.

 

I think the advice for you is to consider this rule of thumb. Generally, it's advised that people not date for at least a year after divorce because they need time to process things and heal.

 

Ms. Darcy: Thank you for taking time and responding to my post.

 

I have to disagree with your assessment on taking the kids to another state as a non-issue due to the following; rarely would a father or mother give up their custodial right to see their kids. In this case the father lives in Chicago and the mother with her kids in FL. One of the kids is 4 years old. However, in our few conversations she did mention that her ex husband was a lunatic. In addition, when I asked her "what motivated her to pack her bags and relocate to FL; she became very hesitant and simply stated that she "needed a change in live". If so, then why move so far away from her sisters, brothers and parents. Not to mention, life as a single mother without immediately family makes things more difficult.

 

Moreover, it seems to me that she has been divorced for way over a year. Problem evolved upon her divorce, her ex was "giving her a hard time". What this means, I do not know. Was he stalking her? Was there domestic violence? I suspect that something of this nature occurred which legally allowed her to take the kids to another state.

[boltnrun]

If she is hesitant to answer your questions, maybe you should stop asking her questions.

 

It really isn't your business why she moved away from her ex and family. There is no need for you to be involved in this.

 

I moved far away from friends and family (and my ex). I made that choice. It had nothing to do with domestic violence or stalking, I just wanted a change. And I will discuss my move with someone only if I choose to. To have a man I haven't even dated yet questioning me about my choices would make me rethink dating him.

 

Why do you feel compelled to know the details of her decision to move?

[NIN2000]

If she is hesitant to answer your questions, maybe you should stop asking her questions.

 

It really isn't your business why she moved away from her ex and family. There is no need for you to be involved in this.

 

I moved far away from friends and family (and my ex). I made that choice. It had nothing to do with domestic violence or stalking, I just wanted a change. And I will discuss my move with someone only if I choose to. To have a man I haven't even dated yet questioning me about my choices would make me rethink dating him.

 

Why do you feel compelled to know the details of her decision to move?

 

You are taking things out of content. During the course of a conversation I asked her ONCE and only ONCE "what motivated you to pack your bags and move to South Florida? Why Miami?" Her response was filled with hesitation; therefore, I changed the topic and moved on to something else. Later as she spoke to me about her brother, she volunteered information about her ex husband and how he was a lunatic who she had to get away from. I never asked her nor probed.

 

My reasoning behind my original post is because I have encountered numerous women in my life but not one who got divorced and ran away to another sate with the kids. Usually, the father has to agree and I doubt that he did considering that he has a 3 year old son who he can't see. Unless, there was domestic violence, stalking, etc. Regardless, there is a natural healing process which takes place after a divorce and I do not know what stage she is at.

[Fudgie]

I'm not going to speculate on why she upped and moved so far away with her kids but I am in agreement with you: she moved away for a reason. Maybe it would just a cruddy divorce or maybe something else, it's hard to say. But I do think that moving so far away with her kids signifies something big, and given that it happened not that long ago and she feels "odd" dating, I think she has a lot of emotional issues to work through right now. I think you did dodge a bullet. Maybe she will be ready in the future, maybe not, but it's probably a good idea to stay away.

[janut1]

In CA you can't move out of state without the other parents approval. I'm not sure if Chicago has the same law. What that means is she left to get out of a bad situation or the X allowed her to leave the state.

 

I would hope that she is safe and there's no worries about her X coming to Florida and causing trouble but you never know. I think you can be her friend but I wouldn't date her until she has told you more and feels comfortable dating again.

[mines]

I live in the Chicago area and we do have the same laws here in Illinois - you do need permission from the other parent to move children out of state/out of the country. I know because I moved w/my children after my divorce from their father. He trusted me and knew he would get access to the girls any time, and gave me full custody, which facilitates moving out of state/country. It was amicable and we are both still co-parenting, just not married anymore. I did move back after 2 years, so now we are 10 minutes apart.

 

I see zero red flags with the fact that she moved out of state with her children. If I see any red flags it's simply that it's a bit soon after her divorce - it does take some time to heal/move on, in any circumstance. I think you could just take things slow - many times people have checked out of relationships months or years before they finally end them. They have already started the healing process before the relationship officially ends. Just my 2 cents.

 

Good luck in whatever you choose!