Heartbroken, worried & wanting hope

[LJ1207]

Hi I hope someone can help me.

My boyfriend of three months broke up with me three nights ago. It sort of ended up as a mutual decision although I did not want to break up, because I felt he had done that thing where he gradually withdrew until I was left with not much choice. But he has left me feeling confused because he denied this saying that he didn't want to break up, he just didn't know how we could be happy together. This hurt me so bad, because it sounds so tragic and we both cried, however I think his tears were just guilt at hurting me. We had been friends for quite a while before we went out.

I cannot express how heartbroken I am. I love him. He left me with some hope by saying at one point in the conversation that ideally he'd prefer it if we could take a step back for a while, (like going on a break). But I felt at the time he was just trying to be kind. The whole thing is such a long story. I don't know where to start. It's almost too painful to talk about. I just want to get him back. I don't know how to go on. I don't know what he's thinking.

But the worst thing is, in my grief, I wrote a letter and dropped it off the morning after. It was a nice letter expressing how I felt about him and basically wanting to know if there was any hope. I regretted that kind of because it makes me look desperate and I felt I lost my dignity. However, he did text me saying thank you and he'd reply later in the week. So that gave me hope. But then, I slept on it again and remembered all the hurt from the past few weeks, at how I'd felt messed around, he didn't break up with me directly but neither did he talk to me to let me know what was going on with us. This all really hurt me and worried me so badly that it really affected my behaviour, which he then used as more of a reason for us to split, like I had to just be happy with things or it would be over. So I spent hours yesterday writing another letter, expressing why it hadn't worked for me, and how I felt he'd treated me badly recently. It wasn't angry, but it will make him feel criticized. I made the mistake of saying I didn't know if I could trust him anymore, but really that part isn't completely true. Anyway, I dropped that off this morning too. I'm now in a greater state of total and utter grief, and besides myself with regret for having done this. I now may never hear from him again and ruined any chance of rescuing things. I sent a text late to say I hoped he could find a way of replying because I didn't want us to not talk again and that I was heartbroken. I suppose I want him to apologize as well as reply to my first letter, but knowing him he will just retreat further. I don't know how to come to terms with the ending of the relationship, and now sending this other letter makes things seem a hundred times worse. I wish I hadn't done it, yet when I reread it, it's all fairly accurate to me. Is there anything I can do to salvage the situation other than leave him alone? Any comfort to be found or any hope? I have never felt this bad. I just want something from him, even just an acknowledgment or some ray of hope. What if there is never anything? To add to the problem, we share all the same friends. I don't know what to do. I feel I'm having a breakdown.

[MissCanuck]

No more letters, girl. No more texting, either.

 

It's not clear why you two broke up. What do you mean when you say you felt messed around by him? Why does he believe you wouldn't be happy together?

 

If there is never anything more, well, it will hurt. But you will survive and someday move forward. From the sounds of it, this wasn't a particularly great relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who checks out of the relationship before telling you? Someone who leaves you feeling messed around? It's not fun to hang on to a relationship in which one person isn't invested anymore. It's worse than being single, believe me. And if a person is already gone, you won't ruin any chance of rescuing the relationship, because there wasn't a chance to begin with.

 

Was this by chance your first relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Agree. No more letters to him that you send to him. Write it all out, discuss it with your therapist or reread it, start a journal, call a friend etc..

 

Sending increasingly emotional then angry etc letters will result in no good, maybe a restraining order, you'll just feel worse. You can't repair things or backtrack. All you can do to heal is go no contact and block him.

I wrote a letter and dropped it off the morning after. he did text me saying thank you and he'd reply later in the week. I spent hours yesterday writing another letter, expressing why it hadn't worked for me, and how I felt he'd treated me badly recently. I dropped that off this morning too.