Infidelity thoughts and questions...

[Raaawr]

So I have been cheated on once, but never cheated on someone. I personally see it as unforgivable, however I have forgiven it. I don't know why...

 

But lately, due to a poor mental state of my own I have been worrying about this little issue of Infidelity... Basically what it all comes down to is this. Should, every person expect to be cheated on in every relationship? I mean realistically it is going to happen. 10 Year marriages end in Divorce because of it. What odds do a 3 or 4 year relationship have?

 

I understand there is an inherent fear that permeates through the masses of people who seek outside influences and input on their relationships which can make it seem more prominent. Then there is the "Alpha Male stereotype" that never gets cheated on, but that too is nonsense. I dont know what the equivalent for women is, but I am sure it is the same. Everyone* cheats. But how can Everyone cheat if by my own definition I said I have never cheated. Well i haven't nor do I think I ever could. I have been close. In a club chatting to a beautiful girl, not because of any interest or initiation on my part, she just started talking to me. As things lead from one thing to another it gets flirty to the point that I now realise the situation I am in. My reaction? I get sick to my stomach with nerves and dread, the idea that if my girlfriend was to ever find out, how devastated she would be. The fact that I would have to face up to the truth that I am not the person I thought I was.

 

But that is me, I am in control of my actions. I am not in control of my partners and who is to say she has the same moral compass as me. This is what has gotten me thinking. If one night, she comes home and tells me she cheated on me. How would I react? Is it the end of our relationship? Like right now I would say of course it is, but at the same time nothing is ever that simple.

 

So if I cant control it, why worry about it? Well we all do to some extent I think. We just cant let the other person know we are worried about it.

 

On the other hand, if my girlfriend does go out. Cheats on me with 100 men over the course of 2 years. Random figures I am just pulling out of nowhere. I never find out about it. Maybe I am just too damn proud in myself that I assume she would never do it. Maybe I am just ignorant. Maybe she just hides it really really well. Either way, I dont know about it. The relationship continues on as normal and I never learn. Is it really all that bad? If she feels guilt, she is burdening it on her own. She is shouldering all of that guilt without every coming clean. If she feels no guilt and still loves her husband or boyfriend with all her heart, is it really all that bad? He is still happy in his relationship. Utterly faithful and obvious. Right now every single one of us are thinking, "wow, that poor guy", or maybe some are thinking "What an absolute moron".

 

I guess what I am wondering is that is cheating really that bad, if you never get caught? If you do cheat, is there ever a valid reason that one can give that actually makes sense for it and remain in their relationship?

 

I am not trying to law down moral foundations for my to go out and cheat and feel guilt free, please dont misread me. I am just trying to conceptualize the idea of cheating, why people do it and why it has to hurt so much and why it is a relationship ender.

[Wiseman2]

No. I never get in my vehicle and think "today I'll have a crash!". However the safety measures are in place against it because it does happen.

 

Do things increase the likelihood of a crash, sure. Other drivers, bad conditions, driver fault, vehicle malfunction, etc. Do things mitigate the probability, sure.

 

So does cheating happen, yes. Is it totally in your control, no. Too bad they don't sell cheating insurance and require vehicle inspections for relationships, huh?

Should, every person expect to be cheated on in every relationship?

[Scoe141]

The only thing I can tell you is, no one can ever predict what someone will do. I will say this, not everyone cheats. I've dated quite a bit and have never never cheated on a girl. I know for certain that I never will. That being said, you can't date with the notion that it might happen to you. That could breed insecurity and potentially lead you to control your partner. Relationships are a risk worth taking. If you live in fear, you might as well stay in your house and never leave it. It's simply no way to live.

 

"Is cheating really that bad?" Yea, I would say it's one of the worst things you could do in a relationship. Those who cheat are generally selfish and don't think about the consequences. It usually changes the person for a long time.

 

I've been cheated on, however it's never stopped me from dating. I will say that it has made me sensitive to certain things. If I'm in a serious relationship, I usually tell my partner that so she's aware of it. Who's to blame? The girl who decided she wanted to be selfish and have no regard for my feelings.

 

Unfortunately you see a lot of infidelity on here and sometimes in the news. It often drives fear into the hearts who pursue a meaningful relationship. What you don't see too often are the blissful relationships, the happy ones. They're out there, so don't lose faith in that.

 

Those who habitually cheat with no remorse are scary. I worry about the person with no conscience. Try not to despair. There is good in people. Couples have lasting relationships, albeit with problems, but sans the infidelity. Just remember that.

 

Good luck.

[surfdiva]

Well, my husband of 17 years cheated on me. I never EVER would have suspected. He just wasn't the "type" to cheat. But his affair went on for almost 2 years and I had NO idea.

 

The thing is, I don't make other men "pay" for my husbands infidelity. No, I don't expect every man I'm with to cheat on me and I go into new relationships assuming they won't.

 

You can't let yourself be stuck in the "what if's".

[Raaawr]

No. I never get in my vehicle and think "today I'll have a crash!". However the safety measures are in place against it because it does happen.

 

Do things increase the likelihood of a crash, sure. Other drivers, bad conditions, driver fault, vehicle malfunction, etc. Do things mitigate the probability, sure.

 

So does cheating happen, yes. Is it totally in your control, no. Too bad they don't sell cheating insurance and require vehicle inspections for relationships, huh?

 

Ha, dont think any insurance company would take the risk on that one. It is probably a silly thread but I am genuinely just having difficulty fathoming how anyone can meet someone, get in a taxi, go back to a house and do whatever without ever considering the person at home. But then one could argue they never really cared about the person at home. But if that were true, why the apologies. Ah it is genuinely confusing me.

 

The only thing I can tell you is, no one can ever predict what someone will do. I will say this, not everyone cheats. I've dated quite a bit and have never never cheated on a girl. I know for certain that I never will. That being said, you can't date with the notion that it might happen to you. That could breed insecurity and potentially lead you to control your partner. Relationships are a risk worth taking. If you live in fear, you might as well stay in your house and never leave it. It's simply no way to live.

 

Yes you cant think it will happen to you. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. Sadly it is something I am currently struggling with at the moment and doing my utmost to hide from my partner but I think she suspects. She always suspects. She knows me too well.

 

"Is cheating really that bad?" Yea, I would say it's one of the worst things you could do in a relationship. Those who cheat are generally selfish and don't think about the consequences. It usually changes the person for a long time.

 

It is definitely an emotional kick in the face. But is it always a deal breaker? Is the person who takes them back always an idiot?

 

I've been cheated on, however it's never stopped me from dating. I will say that it has made me sensitive to certain things. If I'm in a serious relationship, I usually tell my partner that so she's aware of it. Who's to blame? The girl who decided she wanted to be selfish and have no regard for my feelings.

 

I know it all comes down to trust. I used to have the utmost trust in my partner. But somewhere, somehow I lost it for her. I cant honestly believe she has done anything to cause it. In fact I would put my left arm on it. Something has happened within me to lose this trust, something has caused me to question absolutely everything. If she doesnt reply to a text fast enough? Ha, the thoughts. Even worse when she comes home at 4am from a night out. The thoughts! But she always wakes me up for sex when she comes home. Always. So what have I got to be worried about?

 

Unfortunately you see a lot of infidelity on here and sometimes in the news. It often drives fear into the hearts who pursue a meaningful relationship. What you don't see too often are the blissful relationships, the happy ones. They're out there, so don't lose faith in that.

 

Well since I have had therapy for Anxiety I try to stay away from things that cause "triggers", sites like this and health sites. Sadly I am now stuck in a cycle where I desire constant reassurance. Classic Anxiety. I think I have a happy one, I am just trying to stop myself from sabotaging it.

 

Those who habitually cheat with no remorse are scary. I worry about the person with no conscience. Try not to despair. There is good in people. Couples have lasting relationships, albeit with problems, but sans the infidelity. Just remember that.

 

Good luck.

 

I believe any problem can be overcome, except infidelity. That is the scariest part of all. Anything else I would be willing to give it my all to work through. But that, how can I? It just sets me up to be walked on again.

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

 

 

Well, my husband of 17 years cheated on me. I never EVER would have suspected. He just wasn't the "type" to cheat. But his affair went on for almost 2 years and I had NO idea.

 

I cant and I hope to never understand what that must have felt like. Not only losing a partner but losing a friend. A cornerstone of your life for such a long period of time. I honestly do not believe I would have the mental fortitude to keep breathing if I took a hit like that. But this is absolutely terrifying. That we assume and I suppose project our own characteristics onto our partners to make us feel more close and at home with someone.

 

The thing is, I don't make other men "pay" for my husbands infidelity. No, I don't expect every man I'm with to cheat on me and I go into new relationships assuming they won't.

 

But, after 17 years of knowing someone and, please forgive me if I say this too bluntly, essentially being wrong about that person for that period of time. How can you ever think you know what is going on in someone's head again? Or is it just that if you can take a knock like that and keep powering forward. There is really nothing that can stop you.

You can't let yourself be stuck in the "what if's".

 

My life is a tirade of what ifs. But thats my own personal issue. After 6 years of a relationship in the last few months my head is flooded with them.

[je55ie]

I think the whole infidelity thing is an antiquated rule forced upon the masses by religion as one method to ensure control and order in a society. As far as people go, I believe monogamy and polyamory are on a continuum. I absolutely believe there are people who are completely monogamous (these people are lucky they live in a culture who rewards this behavior). These people never cheat. I also believe there are people who are incapable of monogamy (these people are unfortunate because in most circles they are forced to pretend to be something they are not). Talk to your partner. Share your values. Make sure each of you are clear how your actions/nonactions will be dealt with by the other person. And the future is unpredictable. Keep the conversation going. Even marriage was made “’til death do us part” at a time when people didn’t live much past age 40. We are in a different time now. What’s important is having these real and intimate conversations with the people most important to you.

[Raaawr]

I think the whole infidelity thing is an antiquated rule forced upon the masses by religion as one method to ensure control and order in a society. As far as people go, I believe monogamy and polyamory are on a continuum. I absolutely believe there are people who are completely monogamous (these people are lucky they live in a culture who rewards this behavior). These people never cheat.

 

Thanks for your input!

 

I also believe there are people who are incapable of monogamy (these people are unfortunate because in most circles they are forced to pretend to be something they are not). Talk to your partner. Share your values. Make sure each of you are clear how your actions/nonactions will be dealt with by the other person.

This is a very good point. But do you not feel that if 1 person wants a Monogamous relationship and the other wants a poly amorous relationship they just wouldn't get together in the first place? I mean, if you were with someone who wanted to be with other people and openly told you about it and you got upset, well then that is you in the wrong. The real issue comes from the two people who claim to be monogamous and then one or sometimes both aren't. They cant just both decide the relationship is open because the trust is broken.

 

And the future is unpredictable. Keep the conversation going. Even marriage was made “’til death do us part” at a time when people didn’t live much past age 40. We are in a different time now. What’s important is having these real and intimate conversations with the people most important to you.

 

What is a real and intimate conversation?

[je55ie]

There are a lot of reasons people cheat on each other outside of lust/attraction. But I think it is a big problem of our society that forces the ideal of monogamy on everyone. Do you know someone who has cheated on EVERY person they’ve ever been with? We all do. I think that person needs to switch over to the poly lifestyle, but most likely they think there is something “wrong” with them because poly isn’t accepted in our culture. So, they keep on breaking hearts.

By intimate conversation, I mean talking about what makes you feel jealous and why. Expose your insecurities. Talk about honesty. People’s value of honesty is on a continuum, too (we are all dishonest to a degree, but society forces us to expect everyone to be honest all the time). Also, talk about what “cheating” means to you. For some, cheating is masturbating, for others it’s kissing, for others it’s oral…you get the idea. Talk with your partner about how you would feel if you “found out” vs. if they “told you”. Talk about how your experiences in the past have shaped you. These definitions often change as we mature. How I ended up feeling in certain situations was different from how I thought I would feel. I’m not saying share details about your past sex life with your partner, but share enough that you know how they’d react to your behavior.