Advice needed. VERY Long post. Dumped by boyfriend after two years

[brunchner]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years 2.5 months. With that said, the day it would hit the three month mark would be his birthday, 19th of December.

 

He dumped me just a week ago, exact, and we have been texting each other everyday. He said I bring up his past mistakes too much (I do talk about how he did this right after this happened only because the situation in hand seem like the past would repeat/is repeating itself), which is why we are not a good match; he said his dad wants for him to marry a girl who originated from Palestine, is Muslim, and is from an Islamic family (his family is Islamic and mine is Christian. Even so, I had fought so hard in the two years that both of my parents now accept him and that there may be a possible future where we get married, etc., but he has never told his family about me until just a couple months ago. I had said, and I did mean it when I had said, that I would convert after we move in together if that's what it takes to be with him); just now he had said he just wants to be single. He continuously said that if it wasn't for his dad, he would not have left, yet he had also said that I deserve a fighting chance (which I assume he meant fighting to convince his dad that I can be a good partner). I've met all of his siblings (two younger sisters, two older brothers) and we get along really well; I've made baked goods multiple times for his family, and his dad had said how it's good enough to start a cakeball company, and his mom had loved it and asked for him to give me sweets from his country that his dad brought back after his business trip (them giving me sweets was on thanksgiving night, which was four days before he dumped me). He had always told me that his dad wants him to marry within religion and culture, but he had always assured me that we will be able to convince him otherwise and for him to marry me instead. Him giving up on the relationship feels like, to me, he no longer thinks I'm good enough...

 

Im so confused as to what to do right now. I have been conveying my feelings to him and have been rejected one time after another. I can't bring myself to move on because just thanksgiving (again, four days before he dumped me) he was hugging me from behind, rubbing my tummy telling me how he can't wait for us to get married when he can finally get me pregnant. He had literally been on one knee, and mock-proposed to me four times within our two year relationship; of course I didn't take him seriously and wouldn't say we were ever engaged, but I did take him seriously when he said he wanted to marry me. The night he dumped me, I had asked him to wake me to class one more time, and give me one last hug before we leave, and he did all of that AND he kissed me. I broke down when our lips met, and he had tears in his eyes too.

 

Throughout our relationship, we've had many many incidents happen where he made a crap ton of "mistakes" that would otherwise be fine and overlooked if he was single, where as I had made one. Every time after he made his mistakes, he's ask for me back, he would beg so touchingly for me to forgive him, and I do. My problem is that I am the one I'm not forgiving, because to me, his mistakes were because I'm not good enough of a girlfriend, I'm not caring enough to notice him going astray, I'm not loving enough for him to feel like I'm the only one he needs.

 

I was cheated on by my first boyfriend (I did not find out until a week after he dumped me. We dated for a year and three months), dumped by my second boyfriend one day after a scarring incidence (I cannot disclose publicly. We dated for only three months), who was suppose to have been a rebound for the first, and now this... I honestly feel so lost. Even though I would threaten to end the relationship at times, I have never truly ended any of them because I never want to give up on even the slightest hope that there will be a future.

 

Am I stupid? Yes. Yes, I am.

 

He has repeatedly told me to move on, that we can still be friends, that he will always be here for me, that he will help with anything if I ever need help if it is within his powers.

 

I don't know how to move on. Everything reminds me of him because there had been a story behind how every little thing came to mean something to us; I can't study because I can't get myself to focus, I can't sleep because I'd wake up from a dream about him and tears rolling down my face, I can't eat because I've lost all appetite, I can't even truly smile because I feel so sad and lost. I can't consult my family because I still have not yet told my parents we broke up, because the day after we broke up, my mom had openly declared directly for the first time that if he is the one I want to marry, I will have all of her blessings the day of. My grandparents are over and visiting, and my grandmother and my mom would not stop talking about him/asking me about him. He also lives in the same community as me. I cannot confront my friends because we've came to this school together, all of my friends are at different universities than we are, and the new friends I've made, I've just known for one semester. They're supportive, but we are not social enough for us to hang out every day, non-stop. Plus, it's finals week...

 

I'm broken... he was truly my everything, and he was truly the only person I would do anything and everything for... I should just become a cat lady haha... I've never felt this sad and lost in my life before, because this break up had brought all of the pain from the previous two back, added onto the already-unbearable pain of this one.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like he follows his family's traditions more than he lead you to believe in the beginning. Unfortunately it sounds like he told you want you wanted to hear about marriage and babies, etc in order to have sex.

he said his dad wants for him to marry a girl who originated from Palestine, is Muslim, and is from an Islamic family. he was hugging me from behind, rubbing my tummy telling me how he can't wait for us to get married when he can finally get me pregnant.

[brunchner]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like he follows his family's traditions more than he lead you to believe in the beginning. Unfortunately it sounds like he told you want you wanted to hear about marriage and babies, etc in order to have sex.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I had thought that down the road of our relationship too. He had vowed to have a month of no sex or any sexual talks just to prove to me sex is not why he's in the relationship, and he went through with it.

 

However, yes, I would agree that he is following his parents' recommendations a lot more than he had led me to believe. Throughout the relationship, there has been many times he had told me he would give up his religion if it's what would make me stay, and "so what?" if his parents disapprove.

 

I just can't bring myself to digest and process that it's truly over... I don't know how to cope and move on...

[rosephase]

What were these 'mistakes' he made that lead you to feel like you weren't enough?

[brunchner]

What were these 'mistakes' he made that lead you to feel like you weren't enough?

 

As much as I feel bad talking poop about him behind his back... here's the top four that I felt the most hurt about.

 

1. He placed this girl's number, they have had a thing in the past, under a guy's name so I wouldn't know they're texting each other. He later disconnected with her entirely.

---> he said in response to this that they had been great friends for a really long time, and he wants to continue the friendship. A couple months after he deleted her number, he started snapchatting her, but probably one snap a week, so I didn't care.

 

2. I have caught him chatting (although innocently, about games and school and life) on a dating app.

---> he said that there are just so much he can't talk to me about that he can talk about with other people. He deleted the app before I found out, and terminated his account.

 

3. We had a month long fight, so ready to break up with each other, because of this female friend he had who is obviously trying to break us up through pissing me off (he didn't believe my intuitions until she had directly told him that she doesn't give a f*** if I'm pissed off. Even after she had said that, he said she's just a friend. This said girl had also texted him a week after we started dating, after half a year of no contact with each other: "stop obsessing about your new girlfriend. She's not even that pretty or great anyways." He had disconnected all contact with her until they had a class together, and I had given him the okay to get back in touch because of an assignment he did not understand.

---> he had also said this friend has been a really good friend for so long, and he just wants friendship. They have liked each other in the past, and she had gone so far as to try to kiss him but got pushed away by him because he didn't like her that much. After that, he had stopped liking her and she entered a 3 month relationship with another guy.

 

4. I found out that shortly after that fight, he had commented and liked nudes of another girl on 9GAG. Yeah, sure, "it's just 9GAG" but he knows I do not accept porn-watching or anything related to sexual stuff with other girls.

---> he said he was a man, and men have urges. He had an urge, and saw it. He was so embarrassed that he did that and I could tell he regretted it a lot.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's playing the field before his folks strap him down to an arranged marriage with a Muslim virgin girl they pick out for him. Sorry to say you were just another wild oat he was sowing before the cultural inevitable happens.

1. He placed this girl's number,under a guy's name so I wouldn't know they're texting each other.

2. I have caught him chatting on a dating app.

3.this female friend he had who is obviously trying to break us up

4. I found out that shortly after that fight, he had commented and liked nudes of another girl. he knows I do not accept porn-watching

[brunchner]

It sounds like he's playing the field before his folks strap him down to an arranged marriage with a Muslim virgin girl they pick out for him. Sorry to say you were just another wild oat he was sowing before the cultural inevitable happens.

 

I guess so... and because of this, it damn hurts because I fought for him for two long years. I've never fought for anyone or anything as hard before...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but the lesson learned is that dating, relationship and love are not a war and you shouldn't have to "fight for" any of that. If it's that much of a struggle, it's obvious there are huge problems. So next time if you think you have to "fight for" someone, you are in the wrong relationship.

I fought for him for two long years. I've never fought for anyone or anything as hard before...

[brunchner]

you shouldn't have to "fight for" any of that.

 

What I meant by fighting is not literal, but figuratively, because I have had a lot of arguments and disagreements with my parents about the relationship, in that he is from a different culture and religion. My parents have finally accepted him.

 

Thank you though! And yes, of it were to have been fighting with myself or with him, I would have known it was the wrong relationship.

[JaggerJim]

It sounds like he's playing the field before his folks strap him down to an arranged marriage with a Muslim virgin girl they pick out for him. Sorry to say you were just another wild oat he was sowing before the cultural inevitable happens.

 

Yes I have heard this too. The men are allowed to play around and date before they have to commit to whoever the family has selected for them. It sounds like his playtime was over. It's not you, it's years of tradition, faith and beliefs.

[brunchner]

It's not you, it's years of tradition, faith and beliefs.

 

He does have one brother I've never met before, the eldest, who has detached himself from his family because of "restrictive" wife. He married her on his own accord. She is Asian, just like me, meaning also out of religion and culture.

 

His family embraced her when he brought her home as his wife. He detached himself because his wife doesn't like how my ex and his other brothers had said her food didn't taste good or whatever, and thus made him cut all contact with the family.

 

I understand that it might have brought even more worry to marrying out of religion and culture, but it just makes me feel horrible that I'm not given a chance because she messed up; I'm not believed in or even considered of because someone else had stumbled and made mistakes.

 

And plus, his parents were not married because of arranged marriage either.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly as you learned it's often a losing battle to rebel and then 'convince' parents. They were right when they figured it would never last anyway, so let you win this "battle". Ultimately he wants a culturally compatible girl for his own reasons.

I have had a lot of arguments and disagreements with my parents about the relationship, in that he is from a different culture and religion. My parents have finally accepted him.

[brunchner]

Ultimately he wants a culturally compatible girl for his own reasons.

 

What kills me is that he had said if it wasn't for his dad, he never would've left.

[Wiseman2]

Of course he did. That way you will be mad at his dad rather than him.

What kills me is that he had said if it wasn't for his dad, he never would've left.

[BrokenGator]

Sounds like he played you for 2 years to get sex from you. I find it hard to believe that he didn't know his family traditions until last week???

[brunchner]

Of course he did. That way you will be mad at his dad rather than him.

 

I find it hard to believe that he didn't know his family traditions until last week???

 

He's always talked to me about it, but he had always believed when I said I can convince them. According to his brother, he has been talking with his parents about marrying out of culture for the past week or so but all he's getting is "no"

[BrokenGator]

He's always talked to me about it, but he had always believed when I said I can convince them. According to his brother, he has been talking with his parents about marrying out of culture for the past week or so but all he's getting is "no"

Culture and religion are very important. But if I met the love of my life, I would move heaven and earth for her.

 

I hate to say this, he didn't love you enough. Just move on. You could have lived a life of misery from his parents if he wasn't man enough to stick up for you. Count your blessings and love on.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry to say, but I don't buy for a moment that this is all because of his religious background. It's not.

 

He wasn't invested in you the way you were in him. Him even having an online dating profile is proof. I hope you don't really believe that he was on a dating site to "make friends." He was exploring his options, plain and simple. All that talk of marriage and babies? It means nothing when his actions don't back it up.

 

I know it's very hurtful right now. But please heed those red flags next time. There were warning signs that he wasn't serious about you. In time, you will heal and find a guy who cherishes you in a way your ex didn't.