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I've lost her trust... How to win her back??

croooft

By croooft
in Online Dating

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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Hello everyone, i'm new to this forum but am looking for some important advice. I'll be quite active here so ask any questions

 

Its quite a long story so grab some popcorn I'll break the story down into days so its easier to follow too.

 

September 12: I was on a social media website that is mainly used to meet new people, i start chatting to a girl, she seems really nice and we seem to have a lot in common, I ask for her number before we go to bed.

 

We have general chats throughout that week..

 

September 16: She tells me about her severe anxiety and depression, i tell her that i'm always there to help her and will support her as much as possible. She appreciates her help (Throughout the time with her, i always supported her, showed her articles about it and told her i've been reading about it, stuff like that. She said she "Doesn't deserve someone as nice as me")

 

Everything seems to be going really well for the next two months. Texting all day, everyday, calling most nights and skyped once. We have a couple of disagreements but nothing major, we both always apologized for our mistakes and was fine with eachother. The worst time was when she needed a weekend away to think about things, its normal to need time though in a long distance/cyber relationship as it can sometimes get quite intense. Although she needed time away, she still messaged me over the weekend.

 

November 21: Her first day of University this year (its her third year) She was staying with her friend but i could clearly tell that she felt very anxious about being away from home and starting university. She seemed very distant from me, one word answers, being harsh to me, etc. I thought it was her stress and anxiety about uni though.

 

November 24: My friend messages me to let me know that he had seem my gf using the website that i met her on, we had previously discussed that I would delete my profile but i told her that she could keep it, just not to find someone else on it. As its not specifically a dating site, i wasnt too worried.

 

November 27: My suspicions started to get intense with her posts on the website, her seeming distant from me, only texting a few times in the evening etc. So i download the app and make my profile again, i have a look at her profile to look at her posts. She got notified that i looked at her profile and questioned me as to why i got the profile back. I tried to explain what had happened but in the end, accused her of cheating as she had posted things like "Bored" "Need cheering up" and "chats?" These seemed suspicious to me at the time. She explained that she felt mentally lonely and just wanted to chat as friends to people. I understand this now but it may be too late. In the end, she said "Dont contact me again" - "I'm blocking you, deleting your number"

 

November 30: After no contact until this day, I send a long long apology text to her, explaining how sorry i was for my actions, how i felt about her and said about our good memories together (Even though we hadnt met, we had good memories) - She responded well, saying she knows that i'm sorry and that she just needed time and space to think about everything. My actions did hurt her so maybe time and space would do us both some good.

 

December 1: I failed to respect her time and space and messaged her in the evening just to say "Hope your having a good day" - This was a big mistake, even though i didnt see it as a big thing, it obviously wasnt respectful towards her wishes of time and space. In the end she said "You're not doing yourself any favours" "We are nothing now, never will be" and "Dont contact me again" - We havent contacted since then.

 

I miss her everyday and as much as i want to contact her, i think i should wait until she is home from university next week and maybe send her a short message, trying to put the past behind us and show her that i can be a better person.

Does this sound like a good idea?, i know my actions were wrong but i also think things got over reacted because of her anxiety and stress from university.

Thanks

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Sorry to say, but it's done and after someone states "don't contact me again", you don't continue contacting them with updates about how much you've changed or improved or nuisance 'hope you had a nice day', etc. texts.

 

Try to move on and go full no contact and block her. That's the only way you'll heal and move on. It sounds like you were and still are suffocating her.

she said "You're not doing yourself any favours" "We are nothing now, never will be" and "Dont contact me again" maybe send her a short message, trying to put the past behind us and show her that i can be a better person.
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Edmund Exley Contributor

Edmund Exley

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September 16: She tells me about her severe anxiety and depression, i tell her that i'm always there to help her and will support her as much as possible. She appreciates her help (Throughout the time with her, i always supported her, showed her articles about it and told her i've been reading about it, stuff like that. She said she "Doesn't deserve someone as nice as me")

 

You didn't know it, but you never had a chance. Anxiety is serious and you can't understand it away and can't love it away, and you can't "Be trustworthy enough" it away.

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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Sorry to say, but it's done and after someone states "don't contact me again", you don't continue contacting them with updates about how much you've changed or improved or nuisance 'hope you had a nice day', etc. texts.

 

Try to move on and go full no contact and block her. That's the only way you'll heal and move on. It sounds like you were and still are suffocating her.

 

Part of me thinks that she said "don't contact me again" to put me aside while she concentrates on university work. She seemed to love me before going to uni. I guess i always think optimistically and it might not work. Either way, i've got time to think of the next move, if there is a next move.

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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You didn't know it, but you never had a chance. Anxiety is serious and you can't understand it away and can't love it away, and you can't "Be trustworthy enough" it away.

 

I know how serious her anxiety is but for the 3 months that i was with her, i was completely supportive towards her and she appreciated it. She had been harsh to me in the past but i took her anxiety in mind and brushed it off. When i make one mistake, admittedly its a big mistake but when i make a mistake, she ends the relationship. Its kinda sad really.

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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There is. Be confident and stop contacting her as she requested. Why chase like a desperate puppy dog turning her off even more?

 

Do you think that contacting her in a couple of weeks with a positive message is a good idea? Shows that i want to put my mistakes behind us and make a new start? She'll be home in a couple of weeks too for Christmas so she'll be in the comfort of her home, feeling less anxious.

 

Everyone seems to tell me to move on, but i can't just move on from her, we shared something special and for it all just to end, makes me sad to be honest.

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happyfrank Experienced

happyfrank

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Do you think that contacting her in a couple of weeks with a positive message is a good idea? Shows that i want to put my mistakes behind us and make a new start? She'll be home in a couple of weeks too for Christmas so she'll be in the comfort of her home, feeling less anxious.

 

Everyone seems to tell me to move on, but i can't just move on from her, we shared something special and for it all just to end, makes me sad to be honest.

 

stop assuming. You don't know if she will be less anxious..It could be worse.

 

If she was really into you. She would contact you..

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Loriana Collaborator

Loriana

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Let this be a lesson learnt, never accuse someone of cheating unless you have facts/substantial evidence to back it up with.

 

This girl seems to be very vulnerable emotionally and I don't think she is ready for something as big as a relationship, for someone with anxiety/depression that is a lot to deal with.

 

I think she needs friends right now more than a relationship that's why she probably went back on the website that you met on because maybe things with you two was getting too intense and she couldn't handle it. That would explain why she pulled away and became distant.

 

She has told you not to contact her again a few times, when someone tells you that believe them.

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DancingFool Grand Master

DancingFool

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Do you think that contacting her in a couple of weeks with a positive message is a good idea? Shows that i want to put my mistakes behind us and make a new start? She'll be home in a couple of weeks too for Christmas so she'll be in the comfort of her home, feeling less anxious.

 

Everyone seems to tell me to move on, but i can't just move on from her, we shared something special and for it all just to end, makes me sad to be honest.

 

You've got to be kidding..... Please for the love of...do not ever contact her again.

 

Having said that, if she felt that the connection is all that special, she wouldn't have dumped you. Unfortunately, it was more special for you than her. It happens, sucks when it does, but you have got to learn to accept it. Sometimes it will be a one way street.

 

When someone dumps you, it's because they genuinely do not want you in their life and do not see you as a fit for them. It's not about you, it's about them and their choices. All you can do is accept it with dignity and walk away. Maybe add a little ego into that mix in that you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are the best ever and wouldn't dream of dumping you and go find that girl.

 

Also, you've barely known each other three months. Way too much angst and over attachment on your part in such a short span of time. Everyone is telling you to move on, because you need to move on as that is the only healthy option. Otherwise you turn into an obsessive stalker dude and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be that guy, right? Move on. Delete her number, block her on e-mails and social media.

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Edmund Exley Contributor

Edmund Exley

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stop assuming. You don't know if she will be less anxious..It could be worse.

 

If she was really into you. She would contact you..

 

Actually, just stop assuming. Maybe it has nothing to do with her anxiety, uni, or whatever. MAYBE the mistake, the big mistake, was a deal breaker for her and nothing you say is going to fix that. One mistake or not. She said "Don't contact me"

 

LISTEN TO HER

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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Actually, just stop assuming. Maybe it has nothing to do with her anxiety, uni, or whatever. MAYBE the mistake, the big mistake, was a deal breaker for her and nothing you say is going to fix that. One mistake or not. She said "Don't contact me"

 

LISTEN TO HER

 

I was cautious about joining a forum to talk about my problems. In fact. A counselor told me to contact her when she is home from uni. You's know more than a counselor though

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croooft Newbie

croooft

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You've got to be kidding..... Please for the love of...do not ever contact her again.

 

Having said that, if she felt that the connection is all that special, she wouldn't have dumped you. Unfortunately, it was more special for you than her. It happens, sucks when it does, but you have got to learn to accept it. Sometimes it will be a one way street.

 

When someone dumps you, it's because they genuinely do not want you in their life and do not see you as a fit for them. It's not about you, it's about them and their choices. All you can do is accept it with dignity and walk away. Maybe add a little ego into that mix in that you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are the best ever and wouldn't dream of dumping you and go find that girl.

 

Also, you've barely known each other three months. Way too much angst and over attachment on your part in such a short span of time. Everyone is telling you to move on, because you need to move on as that is the only healthy option. Otherwise you turn into an obsessive stalker dude and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be that guy, right? Move on. Delete her number, block her on e-mails and social media.

 

Thanks for the nice reply and a good explanation, helped me out a lot.

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No1 Experienced

No1

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Sounds like you need help more than she does. You became co-dependent and attached yourself to this girls life in less than four days!!!

Sept 12.. met

Sept 16...I will always be there and support you as much as possible...

You dont even know her favorite food and you devoted your life to her? That sounds bad..

 

IMO... you two met, and now its time for you two to be strangers again. Let her go.. live your life

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katrina1980 Grand Master

katrina1980

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Okay so how do you think i'm going to win her back by not contacting her?

 

You can't "win someone back" unless they want to be "won back."

 

She was very clear and direct when she told you to never contact her again. Women aren't usually THAT blunt unless it's 100% OVER for them.

 

If she changes her mind, she knows how to find you.

 

P.S. Find a new counselor, the one you've got now sucks. Really poor advice telling you to contact her in a couple of weeks, I am shocked actually assuming you've told her (or him) exactly what you have told us.

 

Probably said it so as not to rattle you and give you hope (false hope). So you keep returning, and of course paying her (or him) money to do so.

 

Can see right through quacks like this.

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