Soulmates? Or is he done

[gypsything]

My ex and I have had an on-and-off relationship for what would have been two years together. Every time we had broken up was because he felt very insecure about himself and his future. He has wanted to join the Marines but there were a bunch of things that prevented him from actually joining. He ended up living with a woman he considered his second mom and getting a full time job but it didn’t seem to suffice. Our last breakup was the breaking point. He still felt the same way about his life but this time he felt like he was holding me back because he wasn’t accomplishing anything (Btw I’m 22 and he’s 21). We are both truly in love with each other and he even considers me his soulmate. The break up was hard on both of us and even harder on me because of course I want to support and motivate him. But he wanted to become a man and figure his life out. He truly felt that he couldn’t maintain a relationship while trying to find his manhood. So we broke up. He told me that he loves me and he will find me and come to me when he is ready. He says he believes that no matter what we will get get married but he needs time to find who he is. I can respect that but I also question if he’ll ever come back. Part of me is certain and the other part just doesn’t know. I hope he does because he is my soulmate and best friend.

 

I'm just wondering what you guys things about the reason why we had broken up. And have you ever gone through anything similar? How did it work out?

[gebaird]

This seems like a common pattern for people your age (read some of the posts on this site and you will see it recur again and again). You probably don't want to hear this, but him coming back is a long shot at best. I recommend living your life as if he's not coming back, and if he does and the timing is right, great. But I wouldn't count on it.

 

Sorry you are going through something so hard

[Wiseman2]

At 21 he's right, he needs to develop himself not daydream about "soulmates". He needs to worry about his training/education career establishing himself financially etc.

 

He also needs to be independent and free to explore and experience new people, places, things. It sounds like he didn't want to be tied down but wanted to let you down easy and let you know it's not about you.

 

However he certainly can not promise you at this point that "he will marry you". He will date and meet a ton of women, that's a huge part of this. You too should not be holding your breath for him to return anytime soon with a diamond ring, otherwise he wouldn't have broken up.

 

It sounds like you are much further along in wanting a committed relationship, talking marriage, babies etc and he was way too young and not at all prepared for that.

I’m 22 and he’s 21. But he wanted to become a man and figure his life out. He truly felt that he couldn’t maintain a relationship while trying to find his manhood. So we broke up.

[gypsything]

Thanks! Honestly he never wanted an ex girlfriend he wanted to be with one woman and marry her. He's a weird sappy person but you're right, over time things change and he's going to meet different people inevitably. I don't want to get my hopes up at all or wait around for him but the break up is still fresh and I'm trying to cope as best as I can.

[happyfrank]

At 21 we say soulmates just to say it in a attempt to make our partner happy.

 

I say live your life. Their is a very good chance that he will never comeback.. Don't worry. You will fall in love again.

Another person that you haven't met yet could be the one.

 

Good luck.

[gypsything]

Thank you. It is really tough for me. But I hope I get through it gracefully

[faraday]

I think it's rare to meet your soulmate at 21. I think it's rare to get married in your early 20's and stay married. I have a dozen friends that are divorced now (in our early 30s).

 

With that said, you get to decide what you want from a relationship. I tolerated the off again on again relationships...until I met my husband. Then...it made sense...why no one else worked. Why things would end and restart with others. With my husband...I have moments where I can't stand him...but I don't debate leaving. I don't debate ending it. I don't want to live without him...I don't ever want him to feel like I would leave him. He would never end things with me with the expectation that he could come back and be able to pick up where we left off...because he knows that once you end things with someone...even threaten to end things...it erodes the trust in your relationship. And trust is hard to gain back once lost. When you get back together, you'll always be wondering if the next fight will end the relationship. You stop taking each other serious. I mean, you broke up before and got back together...why can't that happen again? But who wants to live with that kind of uncertainty? You end up walking on eggshells.

 

Who knows if he'll come back...he might..he might not. But either way, it's your decision whether or not you're sitting there waiting for him...or if you've moved on and found someone that won't leave you (especially not a lame excuse like "becoming a man/finding themselves"). You get to decide what you want from a relationship. And if you want to wait around for someone that bails that easily.

 

Personally...I like being with someone who has my back when times are tough...that will want to grow with me, not away from me....that wouldn't want to give any other man the opportunity to win my affections while he's taking a break. But it's your call.

[gypsything]

Thank you! I actually found your post really helpful. You're right, I don't need to waste my time or keep my hopes up for someone who's always willing to lose me. It's draining and it just proves that he doesn't truly love me. I aspire to be with someone who will stick it out like I'm willing to stick it out. I know I'm still young and I'll meet new men along the way. But now I know what to look for the next time around. I'm trying to recover from this break up and it's going to take me a while. But I can't wait to be happy and myself again

[faraday]

Thank you! I actually found your post really helpful. You're right, I don't need to waste my time or keep my hopes up for someone who's always willing to lose me. It's draining and it just proves that he doesn't truly love me. I aspire to be with someone who will stick it out like I'm willing to stick it out. I know I'm still young and I'll meet new men along the way. But now I know what to look for the next time around. I'm trying to recover from this break up and it's going to take me a while. But I can't wait to be happy and myself again

 

Dating is the process of meeting people to determine compatibility...most relationships won't end in forever. Part of dating is that you get to learn what you want and need in a partner...you have the ability to end things and look for someone more compatible. The best part of dating (in my opinion) is that you get to learn what kind of partner you want to be. You get to make mistakes, learn boundaries, figure out what actually does work...on people that aren't permanent.

 

I've screwed up so many times in dating. I've hurt people unintentionally...I've done regrettable things. But, I have learned from them. I don't do those damaging things anymore (well, I do, just not the same mistakes- we're all learning and works in progress, right?) I'm grateful I didn't make the majority of those mistakes with my husband. I'm glad we met when I was more mature...and had got most of the drama out of my youthful system. I'm glad we met when most of my friends were already married or getting married...we have like minded people around us that support our marriage and love both of us...and it makes a big difference in terms of long term durability.

 

So keep doing what you're doing. Learn about yourself. Figure out who you want to be- what your passions are, what is important to you...who you want to be in a marriage. Figure out what kind of man you want to be with. Watch couples around you- try to figure out what makes their relationships good and healthy, and what makes their relationships frustrating or doomed.

 

You have so much time to find your soul mate. Don't waste it on people that don't give to you what you give to them.

 

"Never make someone a priority that has only made you an option."

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

 

Good luck but you don't need it- you'll do fine

[gypsything]

Dating is the process of meeting people to determine compatibility...most relationships won't end in forever. Part of dating is that you get to learn what you want and need in a partner...you have the ability to end things and look for someone more compatible. The best part of dating (in my opinion) is that you get to learn what kind of partner you want to be. You get to make mistakes, learn boundaries, figure out what actually does work...on people that aren't permanent.

 

I've screwed up so many times in dating. I've hurt people unintentionally...I've done regrettable things. But, I have learned from them. I don't do those damaging things anymore (well, I do, just not the same mistakes- we're all learning and works in progress, right?) I'm grateful I didn't make the majority of those mistakes with my husband. I'm glad we met when I was more mature...and had got most of the drama out of my youthful system. I'm glad we met when most of my friends were already married or getting married...we have like minded people around us that support our marriage and love both of us...and it makes a big difference in terms of long term durability.

 

So keep doing what you're doing. Learn about yourself. Figure out who you want to be- what your passions are, what is important to you...who you want to be in a marriage. Figure out what kind of man you want to be with. Watch couples around you- try to figure out what makes their relationships good and healthy, and what makes their relationships frustrating or doomed.

 

You have so much time to find your soul mate. Don't waste it on people that don't give to you what you give to them.

 

"Never make someone a priority that has only made you an option."

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

 

Good luck but you don't need it- you'll do fine

 

Thank you very much, again. I think during a breakup like mine, you kind of think your entire world revolves around love and relationships. I have been in long relationships since my Freshman year in high school, (im now 22 and been out of school for 4 yrs)and even before then, all i could ever think about was being in one. I think in a sense, i am still that naive child that wants to be loved and will chase love because that's all i know. I know that right now, i don't want relationships to be my main focus. I don't even want to think about a man out there who could possibly, and actually be, "the one". I want to learn and focus on myself with the same amount of energy i put into trying to be with men for umpteen years. I think your post really woke me up on a few levels. 1) i don't deserve to be an option. I should never wait around for someone to actually "love" me. 2) i need to focus on myself more than anything in this world. And the fact that i don't truly love myself is a result in me finding love in emotionally unavailable men and dead end relationships.

 

I needed your insight. And its nice to hear someone keep it real

[SooSad33]

Off and on relationships... wouldn't fall in 'soulmates'.

 

he is confused and seems 'not ready' to be fully involved. And if he's insecure.. that's another flaw

If and when someone is right into you, you'd know it.. not be so unsure.

 

And.. as for a soulmate? That is Yourself! No one else... cause, no matter what , in Life.. you'll always have yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you very much, again. I think during a breakup like mine, you kind of think your entire world revolves around love and relationships. I have been in long relationships since my Freshman year in high school, (im now 22 and been out of school for 4 yrs)and even before then, all i could ever think about was being in one. I think in a sense, i am still that naive child that wants to be loved and will chase love because that's all i know. I know that right now, i don't want relationships to be my main focus.

 

Think of this breakup, then, as your golden opportunity to become more independent.