How to move forward?

[Fl0w]

Hello, I'm in desperate need of advice. I'm a 23 year old female who's in a long distance relationship with another girl (she's 22).

I've always been a runner, due to my trust issues. I don't even know how many times I left her that first year. And by left I mean for a few hours up to a day. I realised I had a lot of issues and started to really work on them, and she decided to give me one last chance. Everything was great for maybe 6 months, but then it happened again (this was in October this year). I didn't leave her but I got fed up with the pain of being apart and we had an argument and I suggested we'd take a break. But we discussed it and decided to see each other more often (that time we went 2 months without seeing each other).

 

A month later we spent a week together and it was amazing. I thought we would continue to move forward but once I went home things have been pretty hard. She's having a really hard time. She says she can't trust me, she's angry at me because she had finally gotten to a place where she could trust me completely and then that thing happened in October. She says she wants to forgive me but she doesn't know how. I completely understand, I'm surprised she hasn't left me already because I know how difficult it has been for her. I'm continuing to work on my issues and I just want us to move forward. She wants that too. But we don't know how. We have discussed breaking up but we definitely don't want that, not yet at least. We love each other too much to just give up without giving it one last try. She says she only feels this way when we're apart, that the distance makes everything worse.

 

So basically my questions are, is there a way for her to forgive me and trust me again? How? And what can I do to help her find her way back to me?

Or is there no hope for us?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like she can't handle the problems of a LDR.

 

The only hope is to close the gap and everyone needs to be trusting as well as trustworthy.

 

With zero commitment to working out things and each one having one foot out the door at all times for fear of this that and the other, it will continue to be quite difficult.

I'm a 23 year old female who's in a long distance relationship with another girl (she's 22).She says she only feels this way when we're apart, that the distance makes everything worse.

[Fl0w]

Unfortunately it sounds like she can't handle the problems of a LDR.

 

The only hope is to close the gap and everyone needs to be trusting as well as trustworthy.

 

With zero commitment to working out things and each one having one foot out the door at all times for fear of this that and the other, it will continue to be quite difficult.

 

Thank you for your input. I don't think it has so much to do with us being in a ldr (even though that makes things harder) but the problem has been my trust issues. Our plan is to close the gap next summer or fall.

 

We both want this to work but she doesn't know how to trust me again or forgive me. I want to show her I'm trustworthy but I don't know how, other than to stay and show her I'm committed and loyal. I can say I'm sorry a hundred times, but it won't change anything if she doesn't want or can't forgive me. I can tell her I'm never going to leave her but it won't automatically make her trust me.

[Edmund Exley]

Hello, I'm in desperate need of advice. I'm a 23 year old female who's in a long distance relationship with another girl (she's 22).

I've always been a runner, due to my trust issues. I don't even know how many times I left her that first year. And by left I mean for a few hours up to a day. I realised I had a lot of issues and started to really work on them, and she decided to give me one last chance. Everything was great for maybe 6 months, but then it happened again (this was in October this year). I didn't leave her but I got fed up with the pain of being apart and we had an argument and I suggested we'd take a break. But we discussed it and decided to see each other more often (that time we went 2 months without seeing each other).

 

A month later we spent a week together and it was amazing. I thought we would continue to move forward but once I went home things have been pretty hard. She's having a really hard time. She says she can't trust me, she's angry at me because she had finally gotten to a place where she could trust me completely and then that thing happened in October. She says she wants to forgive me but she doesn't know how. I completely understand, I'm surprised she hasn't left me already because I know how difficult it has been for her. I'm continuing to work on my issues and I just want us to move forward. She wants that too. But we don't know how. We have discussed breaking up but we definitely don't want that, not yet at least. We love each other too much to just give up without giving it one last try. She says she only feels this way when we're apart, that the distance makes everything worse.

 

So basically my questions are, is there a way for her to forgive me and trust me again? How? And what can I do to help her find her way back to me?

Or is there no hope for us?

 

You really shouldnt go into relationships in such an unhealthy manner. You are bringing intense emotional issues to the mix and doing nothing to address them. Thats not fair to her, you or anyone.

[Fl0w]

You really shouldnt go into relationships in such an unhealthy manner. You are bringing intense emotional issues to the mix and doing nothing to address them. Thats not fair to her, you or anyone.

 

Thank you for your post. And yes I agree, I can see that now. But I couldn't see it back when we first met, I was so young and naive and had never been in a relationship. I didn't even know I had all these issues until I fell in love. I'm working on my problems though and I've come a long way.

[Wiseman2]

Then she is the rate-limiting factor here as far as "moving forward" and there's not much you can do about that.

We both want this to work but she doesn't know how to trust me again or forgive me.

[Broomwood]

It can be solved. And there's a technical term for people, who are runners.

Why don't you start looking at authors that have built careers helping people with this exact issue such as Harville Hendrix, Carista Luminaire. She's got a couple videos on youtube. He's got an excellent book called Getting the Love you want. A guide for couples - and runs his seminars.

And how to get her trust back? Be stoic. Do what is hard and necessary first - heal yourself. The rest will take care of itself.