Complicated "friend" relationship - painful situation

[Leyla]

I'm in a rather desperate situation and I'm undecided about how to proceed. My head tells me I need to end this relationship, but my heart tells me to stay in it and keep holding on.

I have been in so much pain and joy at the same time for the past few months. I have this close friend. We've been close for a few months now and we live together in the same room. We are so close that most people would think of us as a couple. We have romantic dinners, we've travelled around the world together, we fight like a couple, and make up like one too. We've planned our whole future together. He says he wants to be with me until he's 80, living in the same house.

On paper he sounds so perfect right?

The problem is that he doesn't want to be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with me and refers to me as his "best friend" and his "luck". We sometimes cuddle in bed together and sleep that way (even though we've never kissed or had sex), but he refuses to call me anything other than his friend. He says I'm not his type and that I deserve someone better than him as a boyfriend.

He keeps encouraging me to go date guys. I try but I just can't. Our relationship feels so good that I don't find myself attracted to other men. Meanwhile, he keeps meeting girls and going on dates.

Something changed the other day though and my feelings have started changing. Two weeks ago, he told me about a new girl he had his eyes on. When he saw how much in pain I was, he got angry and told me I needed to get over him (he has told me this a hundred times). He started lecturing me again about how we weren't a match and that he didn't want me as his girlfriend. I got upset and turned away. When he saw how upset I was, he climbed into bed with me and put his arm around me. He started holding me super tight. I asked him what he wanted to do (about the new girl) but he misunderstood my question and replied "I want to have sex with you". He started caressing me and I didn't stop him. After a while, he suddenly stopped and said "let's stop here. You deserve better than this. You should have sex with a better man than me". He rolled away and started telling me nasty things again, like I was so fat that he felt disgusted at the thought of having sex with me. He also said he wanted me to give him advice about dating other girls and that if I couldn't be just friends with him, our relationship would end. The next morning he acted like nothing happened though, and held me tight before leaving to work saying he loved me.

After that day, I started feeling like I needed to end this relationship.

I told him how I felt. I told him I didn't think he cared about my feelings and that maybe it was the end for us.

This Sunday we had lunch together and he told me how happy he would be if I was his girlfriend. He said we would be happy because we would go all over the world together and that we didn't need money to be happy together. Five minutes later he told me I was his best friend again, and he encouraged me to date other men again. He even said I should start a relationship with this guy who's been courting me lately. Then when I came home in the evening, there were red roses on the table and a note from him saying how much he loved me.

His words and his actions don't match. They make me very confused. As I'm typing, he's on a date with this girl again he's thinking of starting a relationship with. Yesterday he asked me for advice about this and I got pissed off at him and refused to reply.

I don't know what to do about this "friend" relationship anymore. I'm both in terrible pain and incredible joy at the same time. Next month we are planning to move together to another country. He says he wants to stay with me because he cares a lot about me. His sister is sick, she could die soon. He told me that despite this, he chooses to stay with me and move to a country far away, and that shows how much I matter to him. He called me one of the three turning points of his life.

I don't know if I should end this relationship or keep going. Right now the cons outweigh the pros, and I'm tempted to end it, but I don't want to regret it afterwards.

 

What would you advise me to do?

[Clarisse]

My advice is to move out and move on. He is sending you mixed signals because he enjoys the fringe benefits of your "friendship" but wants the freedom to play the field. You offer him security without responsibility. It's a dead end relationship for you. He will never give you the romantic relationship you want and the friendship is unsustainable given its one-sided nature. In short, he is using you and you're getting hurt as a result.

 

Leave this man and your "friendship" behind you.

[ShatteredMan]

Clarisse is 100% correct. He does not value you and you have shown behaviors that are consistent with this.

 

You deserve better. Go No Contact and do not look back.

[Leyla]

Thank you for your replies and your kind words. Deep down I know in my heart that this has to end. I need to demand respect for myself. I need someone who will value me and take his responsibilities towards me.

 

I just don't know how to bring myself to end it. I feel like this will require more strength than I can master. I will loose the person I cherish the most right now, my friend and my confident.

[Clarisse]

While it will be painful in the short term, Leyla, long term, you will be far happier.

 

With distance comes perspective. Nice guys don't speak to you the way he does. You will find love, kindness and joy with another man some day and will wonder why you wasted your time with a person so underserving as this guy.

 

You are strong enough. You can do it.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like roommates with cuddle-buddy benefits. Kind of creepy if you are both dating others.

 

He clearly doesn't want more than that even though he seems to enjoy your company and affection.

 

He's encouraging you to date and that is a good idea. His words and actions do match because he's out with other women and not leading you on in any way or expecting sex, a relationship,etc.

We have romantic dinners, we've travelled around the world together, we fight like a couple, and make up like one too. We've planned our whole future together. he doesn't want to be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with me and refers to me as his "best friend".We sometimes cuddle in bed together and sleep that way

[DancingFool]

He has been 100% consistent with you. He doesn't touch you romantically, he is dating other women, he has told you point blank that you need to get out there and date, he has even resorted to being brutal with his rejection, telling you are too fat, you disgust him etc. Good grief but what does he have to say and do for you to finally get it that there will never be anything more.

 

As for traveling and going out to dinners, I do that with my girlfriends - it's not a romantic activity.

 

Since you have developed such strong unrequited feelings for him, for your own well being and sanity you need to move out and distance yourself from him and this friendship until your feelings subside. Even then, do not live with him ever again. The situation is quite obviously confusing you and you will not be able to move on and have a real dating relationship with someone until you take the necessary steps to get this guy out of your system.

[Wiseman2]

Look into moving out/getting better roommates. It's remarkable that you allow someone to speak to you this way. How old is he?

 

Why do you put up with this treatment? Did you know it's possible to have a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship without sex?

"I want to have sex with you". He rolled away and started telling me nasty things again, like I was so fat that he felt disgusted at the thought of having sex with me.

[Leyla]

Look into moving out/getting better roommates. It's remarkable that you allow someone to speak to you this way. How old is he?

 

Why do you put up with this treatment? Did you know it's possible to have a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship without sex?

He's 25 and I'm 28. I do realize that he's abusive. Being with him is like going through a roller coaster.

 

Yesterday night he announced to me that he and that girl now had plans to move together to Paris, and that he was going to let go of the long time promise we have of moving together to Europe next month. I couldn't handle the pain anymore, so I told him if that's what he wanted it was ok, but I would need to go no-contact with him for a long time to recover. I told him I loved him so much I was ready to let go of him. He said I was just being childish. I told him everything I had been holding back for a while, all the pain I felt, and how I needed to end this relationship because it was too painful for me. He said I was the worst friend ever because I didn't allow him to have any freedom. Just to precise: I never told him he couldn't be with that girl, I only said I would need to go no-contact to heal. He got pissed off and said living with me was like living in hell. He said he was too tired to talk about it and that I should let him sleep. I told him I would take a plane within this week to go back home. When I started packing my things, he got pissed off and started yelling, threatening he would leave to go sleep at that girl's place and never come back. I managed to calm him down. I went outside the room to try to calm down, and went back in to get my phone to try to talk to a friend for emotional help. When I came back, he forced me to stay in my bed, saying I shouldn't be outside or I'd catch a cold. He took my hand, and held it, so I couldn't get up to grab my phone. He said he was scared I would talk about what had happened to a friend and make them have a bad image of him if I took my phone. He fell asleep like this. I couldn't sleep all night. I tried to grab my phone later, but he woke up and yelled at me to sleep.

In the morning, he appeared cheerful. He called me stupid, and that I was an idiot for reacting this way to something "so unimportant". He said we should take a trip together this week, just the two of us alone, and go to a spa. I didn't reply and just looked for a plane ticket to go home. Unfortunately, being the Christmas season, plane tickets are too expensive right now.

It looks like he won't let me go without a fight.

[Avalanche]

This is incredibly controlling and damaging behaviour on his part. I can't help but agree with the other posters. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, please start looking towards finding a way to put some distance between the both of you.

[BeenThereB4]

Please get away from this guy and get that plane back home. He sounds dangerous to me.