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Boyfriend mom and sister hates me


wai

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Hi all,

 

My boyfriend is 32 yr old,he still lives with his mom and sister and very dependant on his mom when it comes to house work ect. He does'nt even know how to make egg for breakfast. It is worrying me a bit because i dont think i can do all the house work if we ever got married.

 

So I asked him to move out cuz i want to see if he could survive alone just like any other normal people. He agrees to do so by next year because he doesnt have enough down payment to buy a house yet.

 

His plan initially before he met me was to buy a place with his mom and sis. I think his mom and sister noticed that i asked my bf to get his own place and i dont think they like me. Also he usually come stay at my place over the weekend and his mom doesnt like it. A few months ago, i moved to a new apartment and he was helping me out with the moving. Then he stayed at my place for about 2 months cuz my apartment needed a bit of small DYI renovation. I never asked him to stay that long, he did it by himself. But i feel like it makes his mom hates me even more.

 

She makes some remarks whenever we meet that always makes me upset. I never told my boyfriend i was upset. Until last week, i couldnt pretend anymore so i confronted him. I asked him if his mom doesnt like me. He finally said yes she may not like you much but it's normal in laws relationship.

 

He asked me to go to x-mas party at his relative's house with his mom and sis. After knowing that they dont like me. I dont want to go to that party anymore.

 

Im just confused whether i should say no or just go to the party. What do you guys think? Is it bad to just flat out say i changed my mind and dont want to go anymore?

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More importantly than your bf's mom and sister not liking you is when it comes down to it would he take your side. You are in a relationship with your bf, not your bf's mother and sister. It does sound like the mother and sister have some pull with your bf, and it would probably not be a good idea to think about getting serious with him until he can let go.

 

These things are not for you to decide, or even pressure him to pick a side. It should always be ok for him to maintain a relationship with them, and never ok for the mother and sister to interfere in the relationship. Ultimately they wouldn't be able to do so if your bf has your back when it comes down to it.

 

If you don't want to go to the party, it should be perfectly ok for you to say you are not going, but then it should also be perfectly ok for him to decide to go by himself.

 

The way things stand now it is probably best for you not to go, it gives him glimpse into the future that you are basically not interested in a relationship with the mother and sister.

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More importantly than your bf's mom and sister not liking you is when it comes down to it would he take your side. You are in a relationship with your bf, not your bf's mother and sister. It does sound like the mother and sister have some pull with your bf, and it would probably not be a good idea to think about getting serious with him until he can let go.

 

These things are not for you to decide, or even pressure him to pick a side. It should always be ok for him to maintain a relationship with them, and never ok for the mother and sister to interfere in the relationship. Ultimately they wouldn't be able to do so if your bf has your back when it comes down to it.

 

If you don't want to go to the party, it should be perfectly ok for you to say you are not going, but then it should also be perfectly ok for him to decide to go by himself.

 

The way things stand now it is probably best for you not to go, it gives him glimpse into the future that you are basically not interested in a relationship with the mother and sister.

 

He said he would tell his mom to shut up, next time she makes remarks about me. He said he did not notice that before that's why he didnt say anything.

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He needs to grow a spine. And a man who doesn't know how to cook basic stuff? My husband grew up in a culture where women cooked, but he is very capable of cooking basic stuff. But most of the time, I am doing the cooking.

 

Do you want to be with a man who can't take care of himself and you have to do everything around the house? That will get draining very quickly. You really need to think about that. I had to teach my husband how to cook more than just rice, a bowl of cereal, eggs, and hotdogs and it was a bit of a struggle.

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He needs to grow a spine. And a man who doesn't know how to cook basic stuff? My husband grew up in a culture where women cooked, but he is very capable of cooking basic stuff. But most of the time, I am doing the cooking.

 

Do you want to be with a man who can't take care of himself and you have to do everything around the house? That will get draining very quickly. You really need to think about that. I had to teach my husband how to cook more than just rice, a bowl of cereal, eggs, and hotdogs and it was a bit of a struggle.

 

Yea that's my biggest concern right now. That's why i want him to move out and see if he can survive. Whenever he comes visit my place, most of the time, i do the cooking but he helps me out with cleaning. So it has been worked out fine so far. But in the long run, he needs to start learning how to do the basic stuff

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It sounds like culturally he and his family will always stick together and live together and make decisions together. It seems he and his family see you as an intruder trying to modernize their way of life and make waves in the way they do things..

 

Unfortunately you want your doctor bf to yourself in your own home, etc. and his sister and mother and he believe that he should be loyal to them and care for and live with them forever to repay them for the support he needed to become a doctor. No his mother and sister do not want you to reap what they think they have sown and his loyalties, culturally and traditionally, are to them, not you.

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It sounds like culturally he and his family will always stick together and live together and make decisions together. It seems he and his family see you as an intruder trying to modernize their way of life and make waves in the way they do things..

 

Unfortunately you want your doctor bf to yourself in your own home, etc. and his sister and mother and he believe that he should be loyal to them and care for and live with them forever to repay them for the support he needed to become a doctor. No his mother and sister do not want you to reap what they think they have sown and his loyalties, culturally and traditionally, are to them, not you.

 

I don't completely follow the point you're trying to make. Are you trying to say that i am wrong for wanting him to be independent? His family is right to clip his wings and keep him in the cage forever because they supported him to become a doctor?

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He needs to grow a spine. And a man who doesn't know how to cook basic stuff? My husband grew up in a culture where women cooked, but he is very capable of cooking basic stuff. But most of the time, I am doing the cooking.

 

Do you want to be with a man who can't take care of himself and you have to do everything around the house? That will get draining very quickly. You really need to think about that. I had to teach my husband how to cook more than just rice, a bowl of cereal, eggs, and hotdogs and it was a bit of a struggle.

 

 

I disagree with the growing a spine stuff, he does feel quite a bit of loyalty to his mother and sister perhaps, but you will find that this loyalty could be translated to when you start a family your own. He is actually showing some virtue here. He is a family guy and family is important to him. He may not know how to cook basic stuff, but he seems to be handy with helping out with the renovation in your new apartment. How would you like it if I turned it around on you and say you don't even know how to do basic renovation stuff? He seems to also have a head on his shoulder with a view to the future, he is saving money living with his family with an outlook to perhaps buy a house. From my point of view, he is doing the right thing. What are you looking for in a relationship? Maybe it isn't family because you seem to be denigrating how he values family.

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I disagree with the growing a spine stuff, he does feel quite a bit of loyalty to his mother and sister perhaps, but you will find that this loyalty could be translated to when you start a family your own. He is actually showing some virtue here. He is a family guy and family is important to him. He may not know how to cook basic stuff, but he seems to be handy with helping out with the renovation in your new apartment. How would you like it if I turned it around on you and say you don't even know how to do basic renovation stuff? He seems to also have a head on his shoulder with a view to the future, he is saving money living with his family with an outlook to perhaps buy a house. From my point of view, he is doing the right thing. What are you looking for in a relationship? Maybe it isn't family because you seem to be denigrating how he values family.

 

Yes. He treats me like family right now also. Every decision we make, we make it together. But i do however let him make most of the decisions, for example, he recently bought a car. He sold his car to his sis and he added another 10k to buy a used car. While he wad looking for a car, his sister told him he has to take Lexus otherwise she won't be taking his old car. I told him 370z would be nice . He wanted it but he decided against it and bought G37 all wheel drive instead cuz he thinks 370z is not practical. I was cool with that.

I supported him 100%. I even went to the car dealership and help him bargain.

 

Things like that bother me. In a sense that, they think they have a say in everything in his life. Why do they feel the need to black mail and say like oh if you buy the car we dont like, you won't get my money.

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What does he think? He seems to follow their lead, not yours. Is that cultural?

 

To him, it is out of convenience. Like he thinks if his mom wants to cook for him forever, he doesn't have to go through the trouble of learning how to cook. His family is weird, in a sense that, in his house, his family and his aunt from his mom's side family live together. They bought the house together and seems to be ok with it until recently, his sis and the other family doesnt get along. And they are trying to move out. So yes i think he grew up in the culture where sharing things like that and invading privacy is perfectly ok.

 

When we spoke last night, he also thinks moving out is the right thing but somehow i feel like he say and do those things only to make me happy. I'm sure he will move out eventually but im worry he will do it only because i want to.

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Things like that bother me. In a sense that, they think they have a say in everything in his life. Why do they feel the need to black mail and say like oh if you buy the car we dont like, you won't get my money.

 

So a bit more complicated picture seems to emerge, his family helped and supported him in becoming a doctor. They are currently supporting him by allowing him to live at home so he can save up money to buy a house. A family working together supporting each other when possible can create a lot of wealth and assets you otherwise wouldn't. It's obvious to your bf that this is the case, and he has reaped the benefits, and if this relationship works out you will be reaping the benefits of this as well. Him being a doctor is a major lifelong asset.

 

It is possible that this relationship will not work out as there seem to be major cultural differences between the two of you. All these things need to the thought about and weighed. There really isn't a right or wrong, perhaps too much of a difference in values. It is not fair to expect to reap all of the benefits that your bf's family made possible through their sacrifices, but no acknowledgement of the type of relationship he has with them.

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So a bit more complicated picture seems to emerge, his family helped and supported him in becoming a doctor. They are currently supporting him by allowing him to live at home so he can save up money to buy a house. A family working together supporting each other when possible can create a lot of wealth and assets you otherwise wouldn't. It's obvious to your bf that this is the case, and he has reaped the benefits, and if this relationship works out you will be reaping the benefits of this as well. Him being a doctor is a major lifelong asset.

 

It is possible that this relationship will not work out as there seem to be major cultural differences between the two of you. All these things need to the thought about and weighed. There really isn't a right or wrong, perhaps too much of a difference in values. It is not fair to expect to reap all of the benefits that your bf's family made possible through their sacrifices, but no acknowledgement of the type of relationship he has with them.

 

He pays money monthly there like 1k or so. So they are not allowing him to stay for free. They have already paid off their mortgage, so pretty much their expense is not more than a few hundred a month. I don't think they are allowing him to be able to save up for the downpayment honestly, it's more like they never want him to move out.

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He does whatever they want, not what you think he should do.

 

 

Funny to me, i dont know what cultural difference we could have. We both are from same country. Only difference is i moved out when i was 16, he still hasnt.

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Funny to me, i dont know what cultural difference we could have. We both are from same country. Only difference is i moved out when i was 16, he still hasnt.

 

In any country there are many different sub-cultures, so that is quite possible. People often make the mistake of thinking culture has something to do with race, very often that is also not the case. I find it easy to see cultural differences between you and your bf from what you posted here. If you are not even able to acknowledge that these differences exist it makes it more difficult resolve them. I wish you well.

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In any country there are many different sub-cultures, so that is quite possible. People often make the mistake of thinking culture has something to do with race, very often that is also not the case. I find it easy to see cultural differences between you and your bf from what you posted here. If you are not even able to acknowledge that these differences exist it makes it more difficult resolve them. I wish you well.

 

Thank you. You've given me very insightful advices here. Hopefully, we both are strong enough to work this out.

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