How can i fix this difference between us

[BlueLily]

I dont know how to put it...

I feel like i'm just an idiot and rude and... I need help. (Everything except leaving him)

 

Me and my by were never on the same level of sexual interest. When we met i was already really interested in sex, being a tease and all that but a virgin like him. Maybe even too much into sex for my age. And he was so incredibly innocent -didnt even consider sex, havent saw porn, etc although he is older than me. And i guess that was why i fell in love with him too: he never requested anything sexual and didnt force me into things, simply liked me and talking to me, i feel safe knowing he wouldnt cheat on me or say im not enough. And although i was the one engaging he enjoyed it too.

 

So 9 years we are still a couple, having a great relationship, great sex...however im missing something. And whatever it is its driving me insane.

 

Im into bdsm, or at least im incredibly interested. I love to read about it,love to be dominated and ordered around, love to give up control and feel safe. I like pain too.

And my boyfriend very patiently tries his best to do as i wish. He would ask me what to do, if he is doing it right and so on. And what we do i really like. He seems to like it too. He likes to order me around too,but more like a child than an adult.

 

I get that its important even in bdsm to communicate...But im always the one in control or so it feels. I admit that im not even sure if i can give him full control considering his emotional state.

 

Whatever i just never feel "right". Even though i like it, i constantly feel like i want a sexual adventure with someone else. I keep thinking im wasting my 20s because i only have / had one guy. I cant even tell how i would feel with another guy.

I just know im socially anxious and even sitting with a guy in a cofe store makes me want to throw up.

 

I caught myself daydreaming of possible alternative worlds where i didnt met my boyfriend and instead spend fun time with someone else (no existing person). And more and more the idea of meeting with someone excites me.

 

This also scares me and i hate myself for it. I dont know if its normal and will eventually pass or what im supposed to do...

I keep having this thoughts for way too long now.

[Wiseman2]

You sound so unhappy with him on so many levels.

I'm in a relationship since 9 years now. I met my boyfriend online and we had a long distance relationship for 5 years.We are both broke students, barely over the age of 20. I am not sad that we havent married yet. i constantly feel like i want a sexual adventure with someone else. I keep thinking im wasting my 20s because i only have / had one guy. And i became very flirtious, but i was before too.

[MissCanuck]

I think you do need to explore others. You've only ever known him, and you likely aren't ready to commit to a lifetime of just one person. Your feelings are normal for someone at your age who hasn't dated around, and I hate to tell you that they will probably just intensify over time. It's not unusual to fantasize, but it sounds like you're already testing the boundaries by flirting with others and imagining you had never met your boyfriend. This isn't a good sign for your relationship.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely guy, but I don't think you're anywhere near being ready to settle down yet. And that's okay. But you will need to be honest with him about that.

[rosephase]

Have you thought of going to a bdsm club? Maybe if he learned domination from someone other then you it would feel less like topping from the bottom. Would he be open to you playing with other people? Would you be open to him playing with other people?

 

Yes it makes since that you would want to explore. There are ways of doing that without walking away from your relationship, if you are both up for it.

[BlueLily]

I am kind of grossed out by the idea to be with someone else (physically) instead of him and then him just allowing it would be even grosser.

I want for a guy to love me and fight for me and desire me insanely. But i dont neccessarily want him to touch or hug me. And therefore even when im curious a club sounds so wrong.

 

Im a very jealous person too. So i doubt id be okey with that without cutting someones head of.and although he barely shows it i know he wouldnt share me either.

 

Besides i love that he is innocent and i dont want to change him. I want to change myself. I know it sounds stupid but i may want an experienced guy in bed but not in my heart.

 

I often already feel like he isnt willing to fight for me. And honestly the last thing i want is for him to just throw me away and be okey with any guy spending time with me.

I dont want my bf to be okey with me flirting, im not okey with doing it either. I do it but i end up hating myself and crying because when i cuddle with him i feel most happy.

I dont know what its like with anyone else, but risking this happiness out of curiousity feels so wrong.

 

Have you thought of going to a bdsm club? Maybe if he learned domination from someone other then you it would feel less like topping from the bottom. Would he be open to you playing with other people? Would you be open to him playing with other people?

 

Yes it makes since that you would want to explore. There are ways of doing that without walking away from your relationship, if you are both up for it.

[BlueLily]

Im not. I mean 90% of the time im really happy. I love how we get along,work together, live together and fool around. Most of the time all i anticipate the whole day is to hug him.

 

But there are times when i feel so unhappy. Not because of him but because of me and my false expectations.

 

All my childhood what kept me going was the idea that one day a person will come and fight for me. And for my love. And that i will go on dates and be burried in roses and affection and sweet , or stupid desire. And with my bf that never came true.

 

Im okey with him being as he is. Im okey with him not wanting to go on holiday or dates or celebrate holidays. Im okey with who he is because i love him.

But i dont seem to be okey with these things not happening at all... And obviously as long as i have a bf no guy will platonically be romantic to fill out my stupid wish...

 

So im jsut stuck at being unhappy at times and whining about it online.

You sound so unhappy with him on so many levels.

[Wiseman2]

But you are not 11 or 12 anymore like when you claim you stared dating him...Are you from a country where they sell child brides to men like him? It sounds like your parents sold you to someone and you are disappointed with.

 

You can not as a grown woman live in a Disney and barbie fantasy land forever and expect to ever be happy in your life.

People who hang out on line for years then you moved to him to shack up do not 'fight for things'. As "poor 20-something students" you can't expect him to cover you with roses everyday.

All my childhood what kept me going was the idea that one day a person will come and fight for me. And for my love. And that i will go on dates and be burried in roses and affection and sweet , or stupid desire. And with my bf that never came true.