Boyfriend is upset I want to get married before we have a baby

[misstiff]

Hello,

 

I am new to this site. I don't have any family and recently moved to a new state to live with my boyfriend. He is 31, I am 26. We have been together for 1 year and I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. The subject of having a baby and getting married has come up and he says he wants both and he has been trying to get me pregnant for the last couple of months. One day he told me not to ask about us getting married anymore. That hurt my feelings and it got me to thinking.... I decided I want to get on birth control and wait to have a baby until AFTER we are married. Well, I brought this up to him and instantly I knew he was pissed. I asked was he mad, and he said yes because we had been trying. I said well given my last relationship with my daughter's father, I'm not trying to be just another baby momma. I mean, how is that going to look if things don't work out with me and him??? I'll never get married and have more children!!! I said, "I just want to do things right this time... don't you want to be a real family instead of playing house?" He said nothing and walked out of the room.

 

Now that pisses me off. Does this mean he doesn't want to get married? I don't understand why that would make him mad. I fell into that trap with my ex when I had my daughter. He was always saying he was going to marry me and he wanted to marry me... And now I can't even be in the same room with him without wanting to blow his brains out of his head.

 

My boyfriend is now shunning me and walking around the house pouting. I don't get it.... Any ideas what his issue maybe???

[Fudgie]

First of all, I would STOP having unprotected sex, like, NOW until you work this out. No more. Stop.

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand people who want to have a baby but don't want to get married. Makes no sense to me.

 

My feeling is that he sees marriage as "too big" of a commitment while having a child is not and he resents you pushing this on him.

 

I would tell him or write him a letter telling him that you need to talk with him about this, that no baby-making is going to happen until after marriage, and when he wants to discuss this in a calm, adult, non-pouting manner, then he is free to come up and talk to you, ball is in his court.

[Almira23]

I never understood how some people view marriage as a lesser commitment than having a baby. I think its completely irresponsible and unacceptable that he is willingly trying to get you pregnant without your approval.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong by wanting to get married before you have another child. There's nothing with having certain expectations and not settling for something that you do not want and are not comfortable with.

I would dump him. He sounds like an awful individual, who would probably run from the responsibility of having a baby if you did get pregnant.

[Seraphim]

Stay on birth control. The reason he wants to have kids and not marriage is to make it easy to not have to support that kid because he didn't marry you. Pfffft. If you have a goal of marriage and THEN kids stick to it.

[boltnrun]

As a single mother you'd be eligible for government benefits.

 

Any chance that is on his mind?

[Snny]

I said, "I just want to do things right this time... don't you want to be a real family instead of playing house?" He said nothing and walked out of the room.

 

Now that pisses me off. Does this mean he doesn't want to get married?

"Yes" to your question. He wants to have a backdoor exit without tying himself to any commitments if things "go South," by leaving you stuck raising TWO young kids.

 

Now it's time to dump him. His behavior and attitude are appalling enough for you to leave.

[Capricorn3]

Whatever you do, make sure to stay on birth control at all times! He wants to leave the door open to make a quick exit when he's had enough. With marriage, it would mean all the hassle and drama of divorce. He wants an easy way out if things don't work.

 

I would head for the hills. NOW.

[KantSleep]

He is a selfish man, thinking it's OK to impregnate you but not give you the commitment of marriage. Let him pout all he wants. If he doesn't come around to the traditional order in which things should occur, then you should consider moving on. You are young enough to find a man to give you what you need and want. He is not being fair to you. Stick to your convictions. You deserve better.

[Ms Darcy]

Does this mean he doesn't want to get married? I don't understand why that would make him mad. I fell into that trap with my ex when I had my daughter. He was always saying he was going to marry me and he wanted to marry me... And now I can't even be in the same room with him without wanting to blow his brains out of his head.

 

Yes, this is exactly what this means ... He does not want to marry you. Your past history will repeat itself if you don't make a better choice this time.

 

Honestly, I would leave this guy.

[notalady]

Agree with others in relation to sticking to your conviction. But in addition to that, I would actual suggest walking away. Why? Because he sounds irresponsible (to want to have a child before marriage), immature and non-committal about a future with you, bad with communication and conflict resolution (told you to stop asking about marriage without providing a valid reason for why he wants to have a child but not marriage, pouting and getting mad for you stating your boundaries and needs in a relationship).

 

I could go on, but in short, he's shown you who he is, and I wouldn't stay if I were you.

[catfeeder]

he has been trying to get me pregnant for the last couple of months. One day he told me not to ask about us getting married anymore.

 

This makes no sense. You're already a mother, so you owe it to the kid you already have to use your brain.

[No1]

I dont know if he doesnt want to get married to you, but he is using the promise to keep you around or you might be using it to convince yourself to stay.

 

But there might be good reason for him not to marry you yet. Are you getting child support from your Baby's daddy? Does that support goes away if you re-marry? Do you have debts like student loans? Do you own anything? What it could boil down to is money is what Im saying. But then again, there could be a lot of factors too. Maybe as of now the "Exit" sign is bright and clearly lit. If you marry that fades and then you have to add the $$ sign next to it. There could be a lot of factors involved.

 

I think a couples counselor would be a good thing for you two. There are issues he is not talking about to spare your feeling, they need to come out.

[misstiff]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. So, what he pulled was strike one. Which basically means, I will be keeping a close eye on his actions toward me and any ounce of disrespect and I'm out. I make more money than he does and he doesn't want me to pay for things and save my money so that's exactly what I'll be doing... because, let's face it... He's going to screw up again and I will be prepared.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. So, what he pulled was strike one. Which basically means, I will be keeping a close eye on his actions toward me and any ounce of disrespect and I'm out. I make more money than he does and he doesn't want me to pay for things and save my money so that's exactly what I'll be doing... because, let's face it... He's going to screw up again and I will be prepared.

 

Out of curiosity, how is not wanting to marry you only one strike? Are you saying that you would be fine moving forward with the relationship (and more kids) without marriage?

 

Because to me, if marriage is a major life goal then this would be strike 1, 2, and 3. He's out.

[misstiff]

Out of curiosity, how is not wanting to marry you only one strike? Are you saying that you would be fine moving forward with the relationship (and more kids) without marriage?

 

Because to me, if marriage is a major life goal then this would be strike 1, 2, and 3. He's out.

 

No, I only give one strike after that I'm done. But really, I'm just not going to care anymore is what I mean. I just moved here to New Mexico from Las Vegas to be with him only because we wanted to be together and he is in the air force and can't relocate. I literally just got here on the 17th and I'm just going to take things in stride. If he doesn't want to marry me... fine. I also will be coming home whenever I feel like it with little to zero consideration about how he feels. I won't be going out of my way to do any favors. I will not be cooking any family meals. I will no longer be going out of town with him for anything whatsoever. Also, this town we live in is extremely small. The nearest town with anything, is 3 hours away. Literally, like ghost town type status. So, I have given up on the idea of marriage with him and probably will be packing up here in 3-6 months... I don't know, I'll have to see what my bank account is looking like.

[Ms Darcy]

At least you aren't thinking marriage is going to happen.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think he's a monster. You moved yourself and your child in with him, we're having unprotected sex with him, and then suddenly changed your tune demanding marriage first. It's fine to want marriage first , but then you should have acted like it. I can get why he's pissed.

 

Next time don't move your kid in with a guy and don't have unprotected sex until you know everything else you want is in order.

 

I doubt this is salvageable at this point because you want different things. I feel bad for your kid though.

[misstiff]

I don't think he's a monster. You moved yourself and your child in with him, we're having unprotected sex with him, and then suddenly changed your tune demanding marriage first. It's fine to want marriage first , but then you should have acted like it. I can get why he's pissed.

 

Next time don't move your kid in with a guy and don't have unprotected sex until you know everything else you want is in order.

 

I doubt this is salvageable at this point because you want different things. I feel bad for your kid though.

 

First of all... Like I said before we had BEEN talking about getting married. I didn't demand anything that wasn't already being discussed.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately these are his priorities. After dating only a yr trying to get pregnant OR talking marriage is rushing it.

 

Get to know each other first to see if you are compatible. Do you both work? Why did you move there? Was this an online LDR first or did you know each other before?

he has been trying to get me pregnant. One day he told me not to ask about us getting married anymore.

[misstiff]

Yes we both work. We met when I was living in Las Vegas and he was visiting. We went out the first night and I never spoke to him after that then he texted me out of the blue 3 months later and we began to speak on the phone for hours and hours every night after work and he would come back and forth to Vegas to visit me on the weekends and finally we just wanted to be together and since he is in the military he couldn't move to Las Vegas, so I moved to New Mexico. But as of last night he pulled me aside and apologized and told me I am right to want that and he will do whatever he has to do to be with me and if that's what I want he is willing to comply. So, problem solved!

[misstiff]

Unfortunately these are his priorities. After dating only a yr trying to get pregnant OR talking marriage is rushing it.

 

Get to know each other first to see if you are compatible. Do you both work? Why did you move there? Was this an online LDR first or did you know each other before?

 

Yes we both work. We met when I was living in Las Vegas and he was visiting. We went out the first night and I never spoke to him after that then he texted me out of the blue 3 months later and we began to speak on the phone for hours and hours every night after work and he would come back and forth to Vegas to visit me on the weekends and finally we just wanted to be together and since he is in the military he couldn't move to Las Vegas, so I moved to New Mexico. But as of last night he pulled me aside and apologized and told me I am right to want that and he will do whatever he has to do to be with me and if that's what I want he is willing to comply. So, problem solved!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Take it slowly and don't start a family or get married until you both settle in a bit.

But as of last night he pulled me aside and apologized and told me I am right to want that and he will do whatever he has to do to be with me and if that's what I want he is willing to comply. So, problem solved!