What should I do?

[WifeConfused]

I have been trying to figure this out for some time now. I have been married for nearly ten years. We have three children. My relationship with my husband has not been the best. From the outside, we look happy, healthy, and prosperous. However, the two of us don't have a physical relationship. Obviously, we have children, but it's always been more of a chore. This is entirely my fault. I hate sex. He doesn't. We agreed years ago that he could look outside our marriage to fulfill those needs. The problem is, he becomes attached easily. He had a relationship a few years ago that went on for over a year. He made her promises. He said they would be together forever. He told her she was the love of his life. I found out these specific details by accident. When I asked him about it, he said he only said those things to get sex from her. We argued about it. I told him that was deceitful and unfair, both to me and to her. He agreed and promptly ended things with her. He said he wouldn't be with anyone else anymore and he didn't for a few years. But, our marriage suffered because he's unsatisfied. Recently, we readdressed the "open-relationship" thing. Again, I agreed. I don't like our situation, but I don't think it's fair to deny him these basic desires. Anyway, he's seeing a women right now and it's going down a similar path as before. He says she knows he's in a committed marriage, but they way he talks about her, I know he has deep feelings for her. I don't have the courage to ask about it, or to see his texts, in fear that I will find the same promises and declarations of love that were there before. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I really have a right to be upset when I know how he is? I mean, really, can you expect someone to have a physical relationship and not get attached? I don't think it would be so bad if he was "sleeping around," but he's not the type. He wants the happily ever after. Am I being unfair to him simply by remaining married to him. He says he couldn't imagine his life without me, but is that more out of honor of our marriage than out of a genuine love for me? Should our discussion be more about OUR relationship, than theirs. I don't want to lose him, but is that selfish of me? Is their an option to remain married without causing him pain?

[j.man]

I don't think we can offer you anything that you should be getting from a marriage counselor at this point.

 

Yes, you can have sex with others without developing feelings. To be honest, if my girlfriend were to suggest the idea of opening the relationship up, I'd probably give it some thought, but it really isn't something I care too much about. But if I were to imagine it, I couldn't picture sitting in the kitchen, cooking and chatting with her about a woman I'd had sex with. At the very least, it's been incredibly inconsiderate of him to discuss his extramarital conquests with you.

 

Thing is, he's pursuing more of a polyamorous lifestyle than an open relationship. You're obviously OK with one and not the other, and that's fine. You've set the boundaries and he has broken them. It's an issue to take seriously.

 

Again, between the sexual incompatibility, the breaking of boundaries, him developing full blown feelings for other women, I'd invest in a professional to sit with you two.

[Wolfshook]

Well, as humans are mostly monogamous beings, it's easy for them to get attached to people they associate with sex as desire.

 

It's like training a dog,make him associate you with pleasure and he will go after you.

 

That's why I understand his part. But,what's the reason of you hating sex?

[WifeConfused]

To be clear, he doesn't share his extramarital details... only as much as I ask. I want to know who and when. Mostly, I want to know enough so if someone "catches" him I can be like, "Yes, that's Sarah. It's alright." But, this person is a coworker, so while it's relatively innocent conversation when she is included, it's still obvious. Part of me wants to tell him it's not okay to have other women, but can I really deprive him? Part of me wants to set him free, so to speak. The topic of divorce has come up. He says that's the last thing he wants. I've told him that if he ever changed his mind, I would understand. Counseling and therapy are things I am interested in. The fact is, it's not an option financially. This is why I was curious to get advice from others on the matter. It's almost like counseling. If nothing else, it's therapeutic to get it out. The intimacy is the underlying issue, I know that. The reason... I have no idea. It's been suggested that it was trauma or abuse, asexuality, or simply incompatibility between the two of us. I don't have any other relationships to compare it to and I don't have any trauma or abuse to contribute it to. Mostly, I think it's insecurity. I don't enjoy it because I don't like the way I look, or move, or feel. We have our little moments and plenty of togetherness, but if it's too intimate he wants more and I get defensive and retreat. He's said on more than one occasion that he would prefer to be with me, if I could. I don't doubt that. I know these are bigger issues, but they are not things that can be resolved here today. Thanks for sharing your input.

[SooSad33]

I don't like our situation, but I don't think it's fair to deny him these basic desires.

- This 'relationship' is NOT normal at all.

 

YOU have allowed him to get involved.. again, outside your marriage. Because you dont like sex?

 

WHY are you 2 even together? IMO.. you two should have ended this long ago.. so you could both move on with your lives and not get this mess going as it has, to begin with.

 

Why would you discuss your relationship? You KNOW all that's going on.. and how it is.

 

I suggest you bite the bullet and end all. Why remain together??

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this at least he's honest with you about telling these women the typical married man lies to string them along. Is this an arranged marriage? Is there are reason you married? Did he know going in it would be a sexless arrangement?

 

Eventually he may want to be happy in a fully integrated relationship, so it may just be a matter of time before you two divorce..It sounds like "he imagines life without you" every time he has another affair. Are you happy this way?

I hate sex. he said he only said those things to get sex from her. He wants the happily ever after. He says he couldn't imagine his life without me.

[Wolfshook]

Mostly, I think it's insecurity. I don't enjoy it because I don't like the way I look, or move, or feel. We have our little moments and plenty of togetherness, but if it's too intimate he wants more and I get defensive and retreat. He's said on more than one occasion that he would prefer to be with me, if I could. I don't doubt that. I know these are bigger issues, but they are not things that can be resolved here today. Thanks for sharing your input.

 

Why dont you change things you dont like about yourself? Good exercise to start feeling better about your insecurities is to notice 3 bad things about how other person looks whenever you see somebody. By doing this you will start to realize that nobody is perfect and it's good to have imperfections.

 

 

Was your first time maybe rough? Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you explore yourself?

 

 

You see,the thing is that you can let him have sex with other people, heck you can leave him. But in the end,this wont solve your issues,it will only deepen them and deepen your insecurities.

 

You are correct,these things cannot be resolved quickly,but you shouldnt be looking for quick solution. You should be looking for solution that will last. And sadly,this will be hard to acchieve without professional help.