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Am I actually the dck and making things complicated?


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Hey guys,


I need some advice, since I am walking on a thin line between ‘giving space’ and ‘being the one that runs away like a little child when he doesn’t get what he want’. Since I obviously dó want the first thing and don’t want the second thing, I could use some advice


So I’ve been seeing this girl for about 2 months now. It’s a classic rebound situation and I know so from the start. She is dealing with a messy breakup. We have been really upfront about the situation. Since we both(!) are not ready or willing to commit, not being able to expect anything and just have casual fun is no problem at all. At least, that is how I experience it. We have been having fun hanging around (and hooking up ). Sometimes she would pull back a little and I would just let her be and let her come back at her own pace. Things have been great this way so far. 2 weeks ago some things happened in quick succession:


1) We all know that situation where we don’t want to commit to anything but even though both parties don’t push things still evolve and start to feel more ‘serious’. Looking at my own experiences and those of friends of mine this can be very confusing and even freightening. Looking at specific signs (her contacting me a lot, seriously being interested in what I am doing at regular intervals during the day, making plans further in the future, contacting me even when she is out with friends, sending me random kisses and the overall way she is acting around and towards me) this could well be the case right now. But yes, it is still an assumption ofcourse.

2) She has constant trouble with the ex.

3) She had a really bad weekend which she was really upset about (don’t know what happened tho)

4) She had a funeral of someone very close to her

5) I acted annoyed about something she did and ignored her attempts to make it up initially because I was out drinking with friends and wasn’t that annoyed (practically this was nothing big for me, but I could have been a big deal for her, so I include it)

6) … whatever more is going on but I don’t know about.


I understand this all together in just matter of days can be a LOT do deal with emotionally. Again from own experience, plus some common sense, I know that pushing away the things that you feel are making you uncomfortable or are hard to deal with is very common in this situation. And so she did. I got the ‘things are moving too fast, I am afraid I will do things I will regret and everything is just too much to deal with’-speech (bear in mind, all the sings I describe at point 1 where still there a day before).The ‘do things I would regret’ part basically was about the fact that she invited me to sleep at her place after a party we would attent a week later, clearly this had been bugging her aswell, besides the aforementioned points. I told her I understood and that she should take some space if needed to. I did not want to rush things or make her do things she would regret. I just want to have fun and if she wants to see me, she knows where to find me. She said the classic ‘thanks for everything’ line and I thought, "here it ends". (But now I am not so sure about that anymore).


However, after that classic goodbye line she made an effort to continue the conversation with a different subject. Talking about the party we were both going to attend a week later, that she wanted to see me drunk and would learn me how to dance etc etc. Which I thought was a bit weird after the talk we just had, especially if you really want to push someone away. Alltough it confused me I didn’t read much into it and I had to run anyway .So I politely thanked her for being so open and ended the convo. That’s actually the last contact we had by texting the last two weeks.


The next day when I see her at work, right while I was leaving, instead of just saying ‘bye’ she pretty obviously tried to get my attention. At this point I was (still) a bit confused, said bye politely and left.

Now from this point on she has been avoidant at work. Whenever I walk past her workplace (no worries, I don’t go there intentionally ) she just ‘happens to jump into doing something very important’ somewhere she can hide. For example her computer, or a drawer in her desk or anything like that. Yet it is obviously she isn’t actually doing something since as soon as I walk away she immediately stops the ‘hiding activity’ again. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how to handle interacting with me in a normal way and it may even hurt her. Important to say is I do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary to be near her or be in contact with her. We just happen to run into each other at some moments during the day. Knowing her response I even try to avoid it as much as possible.


The Saturday of said party she was acting very nervous and drank a lot. She was clearly trying to get my attention teasing me. Everytime I started talking one on one with mutual friends she would try to get their attention desperately, while ignoring me. It was like clockwork. At a certain point she even came to me, became physical (in a good way) and said she missed me. I just jokingly said ‘I know’ and she kept in my personal space (actually standing right against me) talking incomprehensive like ‘oh this bad’, ‘what a night’ etc etc. Yet since she was drunk, and I got some dignity myself, I didn’t really react to it and let her be. I knew she was going to regret this any way. And indeed, all the signs of her regretting it the following Monday at work were there. This week again, she she has been overly avoidant.


So this has made me very confused. I’ve been pushed away by girls before, just as I have pushed girls away. In all this cases I (or the girl that pushed me away) was very relieved at first and certainly didn’t act like this particular girl. When you push someone away and mean it it’s not hard to deal with the situation at first. As said, you feel relieved and happy. But now there are all kinds of signs she is trying to deal with it and having a hard time. This confuses me. I keep wondering if she feels like I pushed her away instead of the other way around. I keep wondering if she really meant to push me this far away and that I made too big of a deal about it. Yes, she most probably felt like she said she felt when she gave me the speech. I took that at face value and I still do. But does she still feels like this? Did I interpret it right? Wás she saying that she doesn’t want me around here anymore or was she just saying that we need to take it slow?


However, fact is, that she has my number and I did tell her she can always contact me. Yet she did not. So I still want to let it be, respect her wishes and boundaries and definitely not risk overwhelming her any further. I truly meant it when I said I am not looking for something serious and I meant it even more when I said she should take her space if she needed to. I never begged her not to, I never asked to ‘give me a shot’ and I am not planning to do so ever. I had a lot of fun with her and it’s unfortunately that that seems to be over for now.

This being said, part of me feels like we (or I) are making things unnecessarily complicated. I told a mutual friend I was feeling bad about ‘the situation’ and he responded with: “there is no situation, right?”. And perhaps he is right, maybe there is no situation. She felt overwhelmed, emotional and pushed me away in that moment. Completely understandable. Am I overreacting by basically being in no contact and trying to move on? Is the need actually there to move on? Am I making a bigger deal about if this that actually is the case? Hell, I even feel like the dumper instead of the dumpee. (if you can talk about ‘dumping’ when you are just casually dating)


Because of this part of me wants to reach out to her. Basically ‘check in’ with her. But not in a typical ‘breadcrumb’ way. If I reach out I want it to have some substance at least. At the same like I said, there is still a good chance she does need her space and I don’t want to disrespect her. Bear in mind she is young, just out a relationship and most probably doesn’t know what she wants herself. Trying to have a serious talk before she brings it up, or confronting her in any way is out of the question for me. Especially if I am indeed making this a bigger deal than it actually is. Doing said things will only contribute to that. So here I am, not knowing what to do and most certainly not knowing hów to do it. Untill I get it straight for myself I will do nothing, but it bugs me a lot that I myself may be causing something that doesn’t need to be this way.





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She's sending all kinds of mixed signals, Vinny. No wonder your head is spinning!


The bottom line is, she is not ready for a relationship and the two of you were becoming too emotionally attached. Your "no strings attached" arrangement wasn't working and she needs time and space to recover from her previous relationship.


Don't reach out to her. It won't do any good and will only continue to confuse you further. It's simply an NSA relationship that has run its course.


Time to move on.


It's a shame you have to work together (which is why dating people at work is a bad idea). You should continue to be cordial and professional. Try to ignore her games as best you can and just move on with your life.

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