Hurtful things said and done in the moment. Can it be fixed?

[rosiebeachlife]

My fiancé and I are getting married in April. He has some communication and conflict resolution skills. In fact both his mum and sister have warned me previously.

 

We have had a number of blow ups, there is a trigger, he shuts down, I try to talk to him and he takes that as an attack and attacks me back personally.

 

Two days ago we had both had stressful days working on our business. Finally sat down for a drink and my phone rang 3 times. It was my boss. Finally I picked up thinking it was urgent. He clearly heard the nature of the conversation, I handled it as quickly as possible. Afterwards he was unresponsive. I explained the situation again and still nothing. At that stage I lost it, 'thanked' him for his understanding and walked away.

 

I walked to a different restaurant and sent a message to him to tell him where I was if he wanted to meet me. He said no thanks.

 

After an hour or so I walked to find him, he was happy to see me, or happy that I had given in- not sure. I made an off-hand comment in good humour about one of his friends being a black sheep. He turned around and snapped saying how dare I take down one of his friends. I had visited his friend in jail when my partner couldn't and been there for his pregnant gf all year. He turned his back and my tears started flowing. Unable to compose myself I walked away again.

 

I sat around the corner from our hotel trying to compose myself and he texted to ask where I was. If I wasn't coming back he would make 'other arrangements'. I went back to the hotel and he wasn't there so I checked next door and found him. Again he was smug, not sure if he was happy to see me or that I had given in. I tried to talk things through at which stage he accused me of bringing down another one of his mates, when clearly he had just heard me defending him on the phone (it was my boss that was accusing him of something). I told him that was irrelevant to the situation at hand and that we should talk about it. He kept attacking me at that stage, I lost my temper as this is what happens every time- him beating me down at my worst and pushed him a little, told him the engagement was off and went back to my hotel.

 

He came to the room shortly after, started grabbing his stuff and looked me in the eye, pointed at me and said "f@&$ you f$&@ you f$&@ you, you piece of " and spat at the ground.

 

I was hysterical and called my parents. He was sitting outside the room and heard everything. Knocked on the door again and started going off at me for telling my dad he spat.

 

He slept outside the hotel room so I told him to sleep inside and leave in the morning. In the morning he hung around, we both apologised for our outbreaks. He agreed to counselling. Yesterday he was cuddly, trying to make me laugh etc. Today he is stone cold. No remorse, he is trying to make me take all the responsibility for the fight and to fix things.

 

I've realised it wasn't his outbreak that's upsetting me the most, that was in response to me calling off the engagement which was a horrible thing to do in the heat of the moment.

 

It's the way he kept bringing me down when I was at my worst. I'm realising this is a pattern and what has hurt me the most in all our arguments. I think it's some kind of complex where he has to have the upper hand. I'm not one to let that slide so we often end up in a blow up.

 

We both still love each other and have talked since as if the wedding is still on.

 

I'm looking for outsider perspective- I know I've done wrong, but can his complex be worked through with counselling? Why does he feel the need to beat me down when I'm already down? Even after I apologise? Especially after I admit I've been wrong?

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How old is he? It sounds like both of you could use a lot of help communicating better and with anger control. Hopefully you will have a lot of premarital counseling to address this.

 

You are storming off, getting violent, pushing him, telling him the engagement is off, etc. He is swearing at you, being verbally abusive etc. yet you are "in love"?

 

Seriously, who wanted to get married and why in this abusive situation? Is this an arranged marriage where you two are being forced to marry under these abusive circumstances?

My fiancé and I are getting married in April. I lost it, 'thanked' him for his understanding and walked away. I walked away again. I lost my temper and pushed him a little, told him the engagement was off. He came to the room shortly after, started grabbing his stuff and looked me in the eye, pointed at me and said "f@&$ you f$&@ you f$&@ you, you piece of " and spat at the ground.

[rosiebeachlife]

Thanks for the input. We've been together 3 years, he is 36 and I'm 29. Despite how it sounds we are usually very chilled, very gentle people. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise and are very much in love. Otherwise I would walk away after a blow up like that. I'm going to try counselling for my anger issues and he is going to stop drinking (he isn't a problem drinker- just gets angry when he drinks sometimes). He has agreed to counselling for his upper hand complex.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Getting counselling into the picture and alcohol out of the picture will help you both be a lot happier and less destructive. You should stop drinking also.

I'm going to try counselling for my anger issues and he is going to stop drinking.

[RainyCoast]

I know I've done wrong

done what wrong? calling off the engagement isn't "hurting him in the heat of the moment". it's protecting yourself from ending up in abusive dynamics for the long haul.

 

i would keep the engagement off the table.

 

calls you a pos, spits and then has a problem with you recounting what he has no problem doing? he is abusive, conflictuous and a jerk.

[notalady]

I would say don't get married until you've mutually worked out better communication and conflict resolution skills. This way of interaction is unhealthy to say the least and won't last you the distance. I can already see it ending in divorce before you even get married.

[Wiseman2]

Yes and a few domestic violence calls to the house along the way.

I can already see it ending in divorce before you even get married.