Conservative Muslim Inlaws Ignore me

[Lisa Love]

I've been with my now new husband for 4 yrs. I met my Inlaws once right before I got pregnant. When I met them they were nice but ignored me and didn't ask me anything about myself or my family for a whole day. I was so hurt because I knew they were well aware that their son was dating me for years. My husband reassured me that it was just a cultural difference and they do like me. I'm muslim as well but I consider myself very liberal. Anywas 5 months later and when I go over to their house and were eating or something they sit there and I mean littely don't say a word to me. There were times I could not even swallow my food because of how uncomfortable I felt. Anther time we went to a picnic for an hour and his parents yet again said nothing to me. I was sitting there litterly staring into thin air and contemplating all of my life decisions. I felt dissapointed in myself that I got pregnant and married to someone's who's family has the nerve to treat me like that. When I wanted to leave my husband blamed it on me for not trying and I littely wanted to close my eyes and pretend that was not what my life had come to. were both trying to get on our feet for this baby due to unexpected financial issues and he keeps asking me to live with his family for th next three months until everything is resolved. Should I stay at my parents without my husband until the delivery or go with my husbad and his family who ignore me?

[Tanzi]

Hi Lisa Love. Am I right in assuming that you married your husband because you got pregnant? Do you think you would have married him (in the future of course) if you hadn't? It's just that you said you were disappointed not only by the fact that you got pregnant but that you married into a family who don't treat you well. (I'm reading between the lines here.) I'm only asking in order to understand your position a bit better. All that being said, you ARE now married and you seem to want to make it work. The important thing right now is to get yourselves settled before baby arrives. I think it will be better for you to be around people who are truly supportive of you (ie, your parents). Could your husband move in with them as well, until you can both move out with baby that is?

 

What have his parents said about the pregnancy/baby? Maybe this baby (especially now that you are married) will bring you all closer together and they may relish the role of grandparents. Maybe they are so conservative (as you say) they just find it hard to interact with people. What has your husband said about his parents and the way they are? It took him a long time to introduce you to them. Is there a reason why? Did they know about you in all those years? Maybe they had an ideal of how their son's life was going to pan out .... and this isn't it. Maybe they just need time to adjust to all this.

[Lisa Love]

Blue68 thank you for taking the time to reply. My husband basically says that he doesn't know why they're behaving like that. I don't think I would have married him this year if we were not having the baby. I had my reservations about his readiness. But I think your right from day one that I met them I don't think I was the ideal woman they wanted for their son.

I feel that I have been patient with them to let them adjust and they have actually become even more distant. Its just I'm starting to resent my husband because I don't think he has really stood up for me the way I thought he would. In fact he never apologized to me on their behalf. They invite me over and than ignore me. It's hard to excuse it with just shyness.

But I think that I have to face the reality and move forward to prepare for the babies arrival. Thank you for your advice.

[Tanzi]

I find it odd that he took so long to introduce you. I suspect that he knew they would always be "withdrawn". That is probably more to do with them that it is you. I also think that, as "conservative Muslims", getting pregnant out of wedlock has probably influenced their behaviour somewhat (you said you met them right before). In time and with a new baby things may well change but, yes, for now you need to settle somewhere. Can you both do that at your parents?

[Lisa Love]

I never thought about why it took so long to meet them. I just thought we were waiting for the right time. I did skype with his sisters a few times before but i never met any of his siblings in person. I Still have not met one of his sisters who lives 6 hrs away and his brother.He at least met three of my siblings years before. I guess i overlooked some things as just tradition. Here's the twist. His dad is in a polygamous relationship and has two wives. He also has children with the other wife. They live in two different homes but in the same apartment complex. They live their lives separately because the wives dont get along. He has stepbrothers/sisters who are really young. I told my husband this is really weird because if i saw them in the street i would not know if they were his stepbrothers. I cant judge someones family structure that has been established for 20 years but I feel like im in the dark about everything. I guess i should of been more proactive to meet them sooner. As for living with my family they would not mind if he lived here, but the space is pretty small. Thanks for guiding me one issue at a time it helps me see things more clearly.

[Tanzi]

It isn't your fault that you haven't met some of his family members yet. I don't know how these situations work so I can't comment but it doesn't sound as though the families are close. I know it may feel like you are being kept in the dark but it could just be that your husband is somewhat removed from their choices and therefore the "other family" too. ID .... but, whatever, you might just have to accept that you will never understand or be close to his family. I would speak to your husband (and your parent's of course) to see whether moving in them is viable. It might be small but it won't be forever. As a new (and tired) mum, it really will be better for you to be surrounded by people who you feel comfortable with.

[Wiseman2]

Stay with your own parents. The tension you feel and lack of support from your husband is not worth the stress of staying with them.

 

Why is he tolerating their ignoring you? have you ever discussed this? Before marrying, most people have met in-laws and if they are a deal breaker usually decide not to marry.

 

Was this a forced or arranged marriage? Is the issue your less conservative lifestyle?

I met my Inlaws once right before I got pregnant. My husband reassured me that it was just a cultural difference and they do like me. I'm muslim as well but I consider myself very liberal. I felt dissapointed in myself that I got pregnant and married to someone's who's family has the nerve to treat me like that. he keeps asking me to live with his family for th next three months until everything is resolved. Should I stay at my parents without my husband until the delivery or