Are we broken up?

[sparkles456]

Basically, my boy friend asked for a break because I withdrew from him. I understand that, and I know what I did wrong. I need him to help me realize when I do that and he needs to tell me that it's bothering him instead of letting things build up. Now, mind you he openly told me he was pissed about a couple of things. So he was angry, I just poked the bear. I know when people are angry they don't make rational decisions.

 

When people are in love, they don't either. And all I can think about is how to fix it. As soon as he told me he needed a break from me, I told him I cared about him, that I would give him all the space he needed, but I didn't want things to end because of stuff I was unaware of. That was the last thing I said and he didn't respond. We haven't talked in 11 days. On day 9 he untagged himself from our photos, and day 10 he unfriended me on Facebook. That really hurt.

 

Does that mean he's done? I feel like that was a slap in the face. He said he needed a break from me, but now it's turning into a breakup?! And what hurts even more is we could get past this. He ended it on Facebook chat, not in person. I don't appreciate that and I told him in the beginning of the relationship that my last two bfs broke up with me via text and I didn't appreciate that.

 

I don't want to seem like I'm making everything about me. I need help in how to make it about him. We need to communicate instead of just shutting down and withdrawing. I want to fight it out because I feel like we are throwing something good away, and it's a waste of what was a good relationship.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like if I reach out to him he will just withdrawal more. I'm actually proud of myself for going 11 days of no contact. But what pisses me off is he said he needed a break because it was too many games; but who's playing the games now?! How do I fix this?

[RainyCoast]

I need help in how to make it about him. We need to communicate instead of just shutting down and withdrawing. I want to fight it out

that's where you're wrong. he doesn't want to communicate by the sounds of it. there's noone to fight for this with. the longer you make it about him, the harder it'll be to heal.

 

that people are "irrational" when pissed doesn't mean they'll calm down and reconnect. there has to have been something that drove him up the wall (whether he made an effort to smooth it out before he reached his breaking point or not), and most people do not care to go back to a relationship that caused them this much stress.

 

i don't understand what the break-up is about, but it sounds like he wanted to avoid confrontation, thus he took a "break" by text figuring you'll explode less if he says it's a "break" and he's not available to get the full blast of your reaction...and he then just made it a break up when you were no contact so he avoids your reaction again.

 

i would ponder on whether your reactions and insistence on fighting for things when the other is damn tired of the relationship isn't the factor that prompts men to stand safely out of reach when delivering bad news. it also may be what made the relationship unbearable for them.

 

that, or you're picking insincere cowards.

 

what kind of games is he talking about?

[sparkles456]

Ill try to keep it short...back in mid October I applied to a job and he helped me spice up my resume. I got really insecure and kind of withdrew into my own head because I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. But I communicated that to him. And we got past it.

 

The other time he mentioned was the Monday before it happened. We went to a hockey game That Sunday night. He was stressed and told me flat out that he was pissed (a professor was taking too long to grade something: his working on his MBA), so I knew he was in a bad mood. But I tried to keep the mood light. We held hands the whole way there (it's an hour drive) and even went to a museum for an hour before the game. He bought dinner, we watched the game, things were fine. However, on the car ride back I kind of stopped trying to lighten the mood because he got quiet and I could tell he was getting annoyed (I tried to play I-spy and other kiddy things I usually do, but he didn't respond). We went to bed that night without having sex (we usually have sex every night and every morning). Sorry if that is too much info, but I wanted to stress the situation. And the next morning I felt like there was tension, so I left abruptly, even waking him up to walk me to my car. I asked him if he still liked me, and he said that was annoying. When I texted him I got back home he gave me short answers and I left him alone. Three days later I asked if he wanted to go to my family's farm with me (plans we've had for a while), and he said "I'll pass, I really need a break from you for a while".

 

I shouldn't have reacted that way, I should have given him space to be angry and allow him to come to me. I ruined it.

[sparkles456]

that, or you're picking insincere cowards.

 

They were cowards. Both texted me some kind of excuse, I know the first one cheated on me. I never responded to either and they kept texting me sorry and excuses so I blocked both of them. The reason I want to fight this one is because it was the first time the issues were brought up. Kind of like it happened out of the blue.

[RainyCoast]

yes, i went back to the last thread. i think people were right that he felt smothered. it is a bit annoying to be bombarded with I-spy and pollyannish positivity when he is stressed, it makes him feel like his real concerns are not taken seriously.

 

however, it would have been more rational to admit to be having problems balancing his responsibilities and not being able to enjoy the relationship.

 

if he's to come back to talk it through, i doubt i'd consider it. he will continue to be stressed for a while, and probably a little daft when it comes to mentalizing your reasons for cheering him up/shutting down to give space and such.

 

an insistence to cheer the other up may be experienced as clinginess and neediness by the other, almost a plea for attention. it's what many children of addicts or depressed parents do, take the parent's mood as their responsibility to secure a connection.

 

i think you're better off treating this a s a break-up and not beating yourself up. it's a lyfe-cycle a lot of people find themselves incompatible, stressed, unfit for serious relationships and unwilling to bother with "emotionally educating" themselves about the other. they don't want to "bother", to "fight for it", they want it to be naturally easy and fun at this point. to what extent that's "right" i don't want to be the judge of, but i would be grateful to have seen the truth about how important the relationship is to him.

 

4 months in seems a practical time to decide whether or not one feels like continuing it. be glad you didn't waste any more time. the longer you're stuck with someone who's not really that driven to make it work, the longer he's taking up the space of someone who'd be excited to have you.

 

don't kid yourself that because it felt great before he wants to continue. they're all happy until stress shows their low frustration tolerance, or they become aware of the fact it's getting serious and their commitment issues get the best of them. i had a seemingly awesome relationship end suddenly just like that (also disappeared on me after saying how happy he was, also 4 months in, also around that age).

 

 

go back toyour old thread, if you make it your fault, it feels like it's mendable through your effort. it isn't. he was ready to leave, and wants to be away.

[sparkles456]

Gah, as much as I don't want you to be right, you are. I just keep running it in my head because I didn't realize me joking around like I did would be seen as "making it all about me" and playing a game. I hate that he feels like that and wish there was a way I can make it better. My downfall is that I'm stubborn and want to make it work. I really liked this one

[Ms Darcy]

For now, all you can do is assume it's over and don't contact him. I'm very sorry.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I would assume that he has broken up with you.

[Sportster2005]

Break = breakup.

 

You can't fix it. You move on.

 

People usually give you excuses when they leave, seldom to they give the reason. He's done, and so should you.