Does he believe we will be together again?

[ashley b]

Hi everyone,

 

If you want more information on my situation you can check my other thread but here is a basic summary: my ex and I have broken up many times (always instigated by him). He broke up with me 3 weeks ago for the same reasons he broke up with me a few months prior to that. He said he's unhappy in his life and doesn't know why. He doesn't know what he wants to do in life and his career and he needs to make a change. I found out I was pregnant 3 days later and I told him about it. I told him I wanted to make this work and he said he would be there for the baby but doesn't want to jump back into something that isn't working. I said you're right, I'll respect your need for time and space. He said thank you and I didn't respond. That was 1 week after the break up.

 

Fast forward to a few days ago when my aunt had passed away. Since my ex and I had been together for 9 years, he called me and was upset too. He left a voicemail saying he was there for me. I texted him back last night giving him the funeral information and some updates about the pregnancy. He texted back saying "I'm glad that even though right now isn't our time that we still realize the relationship we do have and can come together for this."

 

I guess I'm just wondering what this means. Does it mean that he thinks we will be together in the future? Does he want me to wait around for him to solve his personal problems?

[ashley b]

Anyone?? :suspicion:

[Clio]

Nope. It means that given your loss, he doesn't want to rub in your face the fact that you are no longer together and is trying to soften it, not realizing that you are willing to grasp at straws for hope. It means NOTHING substantial. It changes nothing.

 

my ex and I have broken up many times (always instigated by him).

 

He is just not that into you. Read the book if you don't understand what I mean.

 

He broke up with me 3 weeks ago for the same reasons he broke up with me a few months prior to that.

 

So multiple break ups and nothing changes.

 

He said he's unhappy in his life and doesn't know why. He doesn't know what he wants to do in life and his career and he needs to make a change.

 

Doesn't matter. If he was really into you and you were right for each other he would view you as a source of support NOT as someone disposable. He would NOT break up with you to relieve his existential anxiety. That is a screaming sign of incompatibility.

 

I found out I was pregnant 3 days later and I told him about it. I told him I wanted to make this work and he said he would be there for the baby but doesn't want to jump back into something that isn't working.

 

Getting pregnant was very irresponsible given your history. Anyway, even THEN he told you that he doesn't see your relationship working.

 

Since my ex and I had been together for 9 years...

 

So you have tried this for nearly a DECADE and it hasn't worked.

 

Does he want me to wait around for him to solve his personal problems?

 

You are grasping at straws. You have almost a DECADE' s worth of data proving that he DOES'NT view you as the one for him. Not even you carrying his child made any difference. Yet, you are willing to stick around for another decade or two in case that two words "right now" (that he used out of guilt/to soften things) mean that he wants you to wait around. Two random words against almost a DECADE of things not working/actions....Think about it. The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

You seriously need to wake up. You owe it to your baby. You can no longer afford to continue messing up your life like that.

[ashley b]

Wow Clio, thank you for your BRILLIANT insight. All you've successfully done is call me names and put me down, nice work.

 

Yes, because I purposely got pregnant?? Why don't you wake up and realize accidents happen. I've been having sex for a long time and have never gotten pregnant before. I switched to a new pill and my body didn't respond well to it.

 

And messing up my life? I'm in graduate school, I'm smart, successful. You are so rude it's unbelievable. There are plenty of couples out there that have gone through worse and have gotten back together.

 

I see how this looks from the outside, but you don't know what you're talking about.

[ashley b]

Also, he didn't even need to make any statement about us. We weren't talking about our relationship to begin with. He chose to add that in there.

[MissCanuck]

If you two haven't been able to make it work after 9 years, and you've broken up yet again, it's not going to suddenly start working. Not by a long shot.

 

Instead of wondering if you still have a chance, make the choice for yourself to live a better life. You two can co-parent but stay separated. Give yourself the chance to find a man who wouldn't risk letting you go so many times. A man who does that just doesn't value you much and sees you as the first thing to go when life gets tough. That is not someone who is committed and in love with you. He isn't.

 

Now, work on reclaiming your self-respect and your self-love. Quit allowing him to drift in and out of your life whenever he wants. He sees you as convenient for when he feels like love and attention, which is evidenced by his latest remark to you.

 

Out of curiosity, what does he get up to during these all these breakups from you? How long do you generally stay apart? Does he see other women? (that you know of, of course)

[boltnrun]

Weren't you bringing up how you think he should go to school and get a better job? Didn't you bring it up multiple times after you got back together even though that was the reason he gave you for breaking up? Or do I have you confused with someone else?

 

Edited: OK, I checked and this is you. Using your own words, you "constantly" brought up how you think he should go to school and get a better job. Despite the fact that he's told you it bothers him, you continued to "constantly" bring it up.

 

Why is that? Why do you feel he needs to "change"? It sounds like he works, so why isn't his current job good enough?

[ashley b]

If you two haven't been able to make it work after 9 years, and you've broken up yet again, it's not going to suddenly start working. Not by a long shot.

 

Hi MissCanuck,

 

Just a little history, we were 14 when we started going out and we are 22 now. We would break up for like a day or two when we were younger for stupid, silly reasons. It would usually be after a fight and one of us would say "I'm done" and then apologize almost immediately after. The only major break up we have had besides this one happened a few months ago and lasted a month. It was for the same reasons as this one. He says he is unhappy and doesn't know why and he needs to have time to himself. I believe he is depressed, to be honest. I'm very successful (I have a degree, I'm in grad school studying to be a doctor) and he only has his GED. I think a part of him is intimidated by me. I think a lot of it also stems from the fact that we haven't dated other people. I think maybe deep down he wants to see what else is out there, who knows.

 

Instead of wondering if you still have a chance, make the choice for yourself to live a better life. You two can co-parent but stay separated. Give yourself the chance to find a man who wouldn't risk letting you go so many times. A man who does that just doesn't value you much and sees you as the first thing to go when life gets tough. That is not someone who is committed and in love with you. He isn't.

 

I would not say he isn't in love with me. Actually, I can say with utmost certainty that he is. I call him a "runner" though. He runs from his problems. Now that we are out in the real world, he freaked out. I want to get married and move in together and he can barely afford his car insurance payment. I was constantly pressuring him to move in with me (I have my own apartment and pay my bills through financial aid). We live about an hour apart from each other because I'm in school. I wanted to finally be able to be with each other every day. He felt intimidated because he wouldn't be able to pay any of the bills and felt like he would be taking advantage of me. He basically said that he couldn't provide me with what I wanted and all the nagging I had been doing made him feel like he wasn't good enough. That simply isn't true though, I just wanted to be with him.

 

 

Now, work on reclaiming your self-respect and your self-love. Quit allowing him to drift in and out of your life whenever he wants. He sees you as convenient for when he feels like love and attention, which is evidenced by his latest remark to you.

This is what I'm trying to do, trust me. Although, I wish people would understand that this relationship was meaningful and was 9 years of my life. He is my first and only love.

 

Out of curiosity, what does he get up to during these all these breakups from you? How long do you generally stay apart? Does he see other women? (that you know of, of course)

The last time we broke up (for a month), he told me he basically just sat around the house and cried. No, we've never seen anyone else.

[ashley b]

Weren't you bringing up how you think he should go to school and get a better job? Didn't you bring it up multiple times after you got back together even though that was the reason he gave you for breaking up? Or do I have you confused with someone else?

 

Edited: OK, I checked and this is you. Using your own words, you "constantly" brought up how you think he should go to school and get a better job. Despite the fact that he's told you it bothers him, you continued to "constantly" bring it up.

 

Why is that? Why do you feel he needs to "change"? It sounds like he works, so why isn't his current job good enough?

 

Hi boltnrun, thanks for the reply.

 

Sorry for the confusion, let me explain. I don't need him to get a better job or go to school. Honestly, I couldn't care less about that. What I wanted was to get engaged soon and move in together. I currently live about an hour away from him because I'm in school. This will be the 5th year that we are "long distance."

 

HE is the one that is constantly talking about how he HATES his job and really wants to go to school. I've been hearing him complain about this situation for a few years now. He also says that we can't get engaged or move in together because he simply can't afford it. The nagging stemmed from me wanting those things, him saying he was unhappy with his career, BUT HIM DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT.

 

Honestly, I pay my rent with financial aid and would be paying the same whether he was here or not. I just wanted to be with him. I didn't need him to pay anything. He refused though because he didn't want to be "taking advantage of me." I in no way shape or form want to change him. I'm madly in love with him for a reason. I was just sick and tired of having him complain and see him do absolutely nothing about it. Does that make sense?

[Clio]

 

I see how this looks from the outside, but you don't know what you're talking about.

 

I can only reply based on the information that you gave. That IS how it looks to an uninvolved third party. I never wrote that you got pregnant on purpose and the "you" meant BOTH of you. Unless you were also using a condom. Then you were unlucky. If nothing you read in my post makes sense, feel free to ignore it.

[MissCanuck]

I don't know what more to say, really.

 

It seems very obvious that this relationship isn't working, and that he's not committed, but you don't want to hear it and have essentially argued against every bit of insight offered here. So, go forth.

[ashley b]

I don't know what more to say, really.

 

It seems very obvious that this relationship isn't working, and that he's not committed, but you don't want to hear it and have essentially argued against every bit of insight offered here. So, go forth.

 

MissCanuck, when I replied to you I only explained the situation further. The only point I argued was that he does in fact love me. I'm not saying that he is committed, because he clearly isn't. I just don't think it's fair though to automatically assume he doesn't love me.That is a bold statement and I know for a fact it isn't true.

 

The main point of this thread was to ask a question about a text he sent me. He said he doesn't think it's our time "right now." Like everyone has said here before, he feels like he can come and go as he pleases, correct? So obviously this text has substance, whether it's positive or not. He probably does believe he will be back at some point, just not "right now."

 

I'm upset about this situation obviously and I'm not going to lie, I miss him and would love our family to work. I want to make it clear though that I don't know if I would go back to him. I AM working on myself and the only communication we've had is about my aunt passing away and my pregnancy. He is the one that has brought up our relationship and I didn't even respond to it.

[MissCanuck]

I didn't say he doesn't love you. I said he's not in love with you, which is different. (At least in my mind) I am sure he doesn't want to see you sad and hurt, and especially now that you are pregnant, I'm certain he wants you to be well. But is this a man in love? In my opinion, based on what you have described and how unstable your relationship appears to be, no. It isn't. Think about it: you are in love with him, so would you consider breaking up with him? I doubt it.

 

If you want to hang on, you can. But I don't think his latest message to you is significant. He's doing what he's done with you for a long time, which is to keep the door open so he can come back when he wants.

 

You need to take better care of your heart and emotional well-being. I would not trust a man who repeatedly breaks up with me to better himself, and expects me to hang around waiting.