Partying boyfriend, angry girlfriend?

[Zurie]

Hello good people, I would like to hear your opinions on this. First some background information, I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost five years (I'm 23 and he is 26). We don't live together due to financial struggles and crazy schedules. I really don't have anything bad to say about our relationship in general, but this one thing keeps bothering me. Let me paint you a picture: I'm working really heard on my masters degree in molecular biology right now and working two jobs, plus trying to stay at least semi fit through this because it's important to me and exercise really helps me relax. He got his masters degree last year and is now working in a very high-demand stressfull environment and it has been hard on him. But as you can imagine, our time together is quite limited, we usually only see each other on weekends, on the days that I'm not working (usually one day a weekend, maybe one and a half if I'm lucky). In reality if I was single right now I wouldn't start a relationship, because it's so hard to find time for the other person right now. But I really do love him and I'm not going to throw this away because I have less time than usual. It really really bothers me when he goes out to party without me, but not because I'm jealous. It doesn't even bother me that he goes out, it bothers me that he is hungover the next day. His hangover cuts into our already limited time together, because when he's really hungover he just wants to lay low at home and I do understand that, but at the same time I'm so angry with him because he got drunk and we can't do anything fun the next day. I'm not the kind of girl who wants to lay on the couch the whole day with his hungover ass besides me. It's not like this happens every weekend, but quite often and I feel like he doesn't care that much about our time together, because he always says he won't get drunk, comes home drunk anyways and sleeps the next day away. This is infuriating me to the point I don't wanna hang out with him if he went drinking the night before, I get rude, make snide comments about his priorities etc. I don't really know anymore or can't look at this from a neutral standpoint, am i being too harsh, too selfish? Sometimes I thinks it makes me selfish, because I would rather see him miss the fun than wake up hungover, sometimes it seems that he is the selfish one, not understanding that we have a limited time together or worse, not caring about how we spent that time... I don't know, I'm so angry and I feel guilty because I'm angry at the same time.. any advice or opinions on this matter would be helpfull

[boltnrun]

Why is he required to get drunk in order to have fun?

[Wolfshook]

Why dont you go out with him?

[Zurie]

Why is he required to get drunk in order to have fun?

 

Oh I've asked this question a million times, why do you have to get so drunk, can't you just have a beer or two if you must drink and it's always oh i didn't mean to, I didn't realize I drank too much, it just happens...

 

Why dont you go out with him?

I go when I have time and I'm invited... I don't go to his work events because spouses aren't invited, I can't always go because as I said I often work weekends...

[Wiseman2]

As you admitted you don't have time for a relationship, so he spends his time his way and you spend your time your way.

 

If he goes out drinking/is hungover just don't see him and keep busy with all the things that are keeping you so busy. What you are seeing is incompatibility but you are not ready to admit this.

His hangover cuts into our already limited time together.I'm not the kind of girl who wants to lay on the couch the whole day with his hungover ass besides me. I get rude, make snide comments about his priorities etc.

[MissCanuck]

Maybe you are seeing that you are growing apart.

 

If this weren't happening regularly, I would say he's just blowing off steam with friends or colleagues. But it's clearly happening often enough to have become problematic. So you are correct that your priorities are different now. He knows he will be in a state the day following a night out, and he knows he'll be spending that day with you. But he's not yet motivated to change it. That could be because A) he's too comfortable and takes you for granted, or B) he's lost interest to the point of not really caring whether you two have quality time.

 

After 5 years together, are there plans for the future?

[ParisPaulette]

It's a red flag that he has to get so drunk as to have a hangover every single time he sees you. I'm sorry, but the man has a drinking problem when it affects his relationship and ability to get out and do things. I drink sometimes when out with friends, I do not drink so much as to get a hangover, because hello I have a life that is more important than deliberately making myself sick.

 

When they do it repeatedly, even knowing it upsets others around them, that's pretty much a warning that alcohol has become a major problem. It's up to you how to deal with it, but talking to him hasn't helped solve the problem, so what are you going to do to solve it? Because he won't and his issue sounds like it's growing, not getting better. Currently he has no reason to try sobering up, because he's tuned out your complaints as background noise. So communication is kind of out of the mix, you need to hit upon positive action that either gets him to wake up and stop it OR if he can't then you end things and walk away.

 

Perhaps making plans on the day you see each other with other people and telling him he can come along or not, it's up to him. But that you're done hanging around when he's hungover and perhaps he needs to ask himself why he's drinking so much all the time. Then you go and you start not being available to him at all. And yes it well may be that this does end things, because it may be he is passively aggressively hoping you will do so. Or he may step up to the plate, realize his habit is becoming a very bad one that will grow, and fix it.

 

BUT and this is important, how strong are you willing to hold to your own boundaries and accept your actions may very well bring to a head the relationship, which sounds honestly like it's dying. Because as it now stands this is the only future you appear to have with this guy. I know you love him and don't want to hear it, this but that's not a normal amount of drinking. He has developed a serious problem and if you do a little digging I think you're going to find it's worse than you thought. You sound like you have a very good future ahead of you, but if you stay with someone who had a drinking problem and no incentive to change it then that bright future will go away very quickly.

 

From someone with experience (sadly) in that area.

[boltnrun]

Some people are incapable of having just one drink.

 

I arranged to meet a friend of mine at a bar. It was a work night, so I told him I would have one beer and then head home. He scoffed, telling me that there was NO WAY I would just have one beer! But I did, then packed it up and went home. He stayed until well after midnight, drinking one drink after another, and was feeling awful at work the next day. He told me that he has either no drinks at all or 10 drinks. No in between.

 

I worked with another guy who said the same thing...either no drinks or 10 drinks and a fight.

 

I don't get it, but these people obviously cannot control their drinking.

 

And if your boyfriend can't, talking to him will change nothing.

 

Can you continue to live this way?

[Ms Darcy]

Agree with Wiseman. It seems like you guys aren't in a similar place in life and may ne growing apart.

[HeartGoesOn]

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