Please help..

[tnh05]

Any advice here would be greatly appreicted as this is turning me into quite frankly a mess. I met a girl in a bar 4 months ago.. we ended up hitting it off, seeing each other more and more regularly, having sex, etc. However there is a catch. She, from the start was in a relationship of 2 years, we both knew this. When we first met she spoke down on him and spoke about how she needed time to get to trust me in order for her to consider ending it. She has known him for a long long time and is fully integrated into his family, good friends with his mother and brother. I found this understandable as if he didn't mistreat her and she was deeply involved with him then it would be hard to just drop it all in order to be with me with the chance of it all turning sour in a short period of time. It seemed to me like the spark she had with him was gone and only if she was certain I was a better alternative would she make the change. So I let this continue, and continue, until basically we both loved each other. But she still loved him too, even though she was going behind his back. This became more and more stressful and resulted in us bickering and arguing quite often, until last weekend I couldn't take it any more and told her that I need to know something is going to change one day. This has now led to her basically having a breakdown and she has decided to call it off with me as she is still not ready to abandon a huge part of her life for someone of 4 months. She told me that she can't keep doing it and hurting me by not committing and hurting him, even though he doesn't know. This has destroyed me and for the last week I haven't slept and feel ill. I know that she still loves me as well as him, and I can't go and tell him, the poor guy, because I know that would finish things with me for good and I can't do that to her as I genuinely love her. I also know that the situation is recoverable, I'm just not sure how.. this sounds like she is playing one horrendous game and is playing us both but I can genuinely see how much it is hurting her to deal with it and take this decision. The question is what is my next move.

[greatunknowns]

Wow, this girl sounds like a mess. She wants it all and she's upset because she can't have it all.

 

I truly would stay away from her. If she's cheating on her boyfriend of 4 months with you, who's to say that there aren't others as well? What makes you so sure she's not cheating on you with someone that's not her boyfriend? It's difficult to want to be with someone but choose not to because it'll be better for you in the long run - trust me, I've been there. But I think that's what you need to do. Your situation does not sound recoverable, at least not in a healthy way. You're absolutely right that she's playing one horrendous game, but what's really hurting her is that she's not mature enough to figure out what she wants. It's up to you what you do, but like I said, I would stay away from her if she's playing this game. Girls like that are never good, and will only cause you more pain.

[jacqm]

It is easy to say that you should not see her. Much harder to do. She may well have feelings for you and be confused herself. Yet she is not and has not been ready to commit to you completely. I would recommend learning about the dynamics of love, addiction, why break ups are painful, when to break up and when to make up etc. This forum is a good start and doing this, should help you understand and make you mind up how to deal with the painful situation you have found yourself in.

My own experience: After 23 years with one wife, 6 years with one girlfriend and other loves before and in-between but single again now, what have I learned? There is no "the one". It is all about attachment and bonding. Yes, boring and unromantic but a fact. Try to save it any way you like or can. If it can be saved, it will be. If not, you will at least know you gave it your best shot.

[tnh05]

Thank you for your responses. It's impossible for me to just cut her from my life as I have literally fallen in love with her and I have strong reason to believe she has me. In response to asking how I know she hasn't done this with anyone else, I know because I literally speak to her or am with her 95% of the time she isn't with him. We have spent a huge amount of time together. She spends 2 days and one evening a week with him, but his family is basically her family. It is so routine for her that she can't let go of it. At first I thought I could handle that and let it go on, which now I'm regretting not being able to, as I put pressure on and it now appears to have caused disaster for me in terms of she wants to cut it off in that way. I just don't know where to go from here if I ever want to be able to change her mindset on it. I don't know what action to take now.

[tnh05]

The other thing is her mental health... she obviously hasn't told him but I know for a fact that will eat her alive when she's with him. And obviously it isn't fair on him that he is totally oblivious to it all

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you are right, she's not going to "throw it all away for 4 mos of hookups" an affair. When you gave her an ultimatum, she chose him.

 

Go no contact and block her, she sounds like trouble and would probably cheat on you if this is the way she operates.

she was going behind his back. I couldn't take it any more and told her that I need to know something is going to change one day.

[tnh05]

It is more than 4 months of 'hook ups' , that I know. I have strong reason to believe she loves me, we have been seeing each other every night, speaking virtually 24/7 except when she was with him, for 4 whole months. She is as much as a mess about this as I am at this moment. I think she was doing it in the hope that she would eventually be able to determine which way she was going to go, but me issuing the ultimatum has made her realise that it's unfair on both of us and that shd isn't ready to make such a drastic change yet so this is what she's got to do. I can't possibly just go no contact and block her because I am literally madly in love with her and need her. Then there is this guy, who thinks all is rosy, from what I can gather without ever meeting him, he is probably a really nice person.