Girlfriend has been cheating on me, I want to know if my feelings are normal.

[AwayFromHere]

Hi everyone,

 

Me and my girlfriend have been in an LDR for around 4 months now. We live around 3 hours away from eachother, but we make an effort to see eachother every week, mostly involving her making the effort and coming to see me.

 

She has had an emotional attachment to an old work friend who she would use for sex and not much feelings were involved, this happened way before we even met. I found out a few weeks into our relationship that she still talked to him, and when I asked her about it she lied to me and said either that she didnt talk to him anymore, or that they were just friends.

 

Anyway, a few months down the line I told her that I knew she had lied to me about the amount she talked to him, and I told her I was concerned. Its probably useful to note that she has a real problem with depression and she finds it near impossible to open up to anybody.

When i voiced my concern she actually admitted that she needed him because she had suffered a miscarriage from an unplanned pregnancy with him, and even though there wasn't much of a serious bond between them, she told me that it truly affected her because at the time she wanted to keep the baby due to her personal state of mind. So she said that she still talks to him because he is the only person that can calm her down about the situation, because he went through the same thing with her.

 

Recently she has become more distant and nasty towards me, and I kept telling her that it was making me unhappy. She would just tell me, its who she is and not to take it personally.

 

The other day I had had enough of worrying about her and this guy, so I went on her PC when she was at Uni and found messages between the two of them, basically just joking around about sex and stuff.

I immediately phoned her and told her to come home so I could leave. When she came home we talked, and I basically just broke down and asked her loads of questions like why she lied to me, why she did it etc etc.

 

She told me that sex was the way they would deal with the emotional situation of the miscarriage because there wasn't any real feelings there, so she said that it was just what they always did and it helped her when she felt down about something she couldnt talk to me about. She said that now she has nearly lost me, she realizes that she wants to cut him off and move on because I am the most important thing in her life and that she was being stupid. She hasn't tried to blame it on anything, and seems to show genuine remorse about it and wants to be able to start again, (but she did say that she understands if I cant forgive her).

 

Now, my problem is.

 

I want to forgive her, because I think it would be too easy to walk away and I do have genuine feelings for her. Life is about taking risks, and I dont want to regret not giving her one more chance to prove we can work.

When I was with her, I left to go home and she started texting me to come back, and that she was really sorry etc etc. I said that i would come back if she was willing to open up to me and be honest about everything, she said yes, so i came back. We both sat for ages in silence, I cried a few times, she cried a few times, then she started hugging me and we kissed for 30 seconds or so. I then felt bad about kissing her, because I literally just found it she was cheating on me and it just didnt feel right. We then sat in silence again, i told her I shouldnt of kissed her, and then an hour or so later we kissed again and then i left.

 

Sometimes I will feel awful about the situation and it wont feel right for me to talk to her, and other times I will feel forgiving about it all and will want to see her and talk to her. I just want to know whether it is normal to act normal with eachother so soon after finding out. She is even trying to act jokey and bubbly with me sometimes and it just seems weird. I am worried that I am playing with her emotions too because my mind keeps changing its attitude towards the situation.

 

Is it normal to forgive and offer a second chance? Obviously only I know if its the right choice, but can i really forgive her?

[SherrySher]

She blatantly lied to you and wanted to keep this man in her life. She even went further and continued to have sex with him. Now she is using the bleeding heart excuses about the miscarriage when in truth, no one needs to be having sex behind their partners back..nothing ever justifies that.

She sounds very toxic and selfish and you know now what she is capable of doing. No doubt when things settle back down again, (if you do decide to stay) she will go back to her old ways and be speaking to this man again seeing as she seems addicted.

You're right, this is completely up to you, but trust is a major factor in a relationship, if not the biggest one, and she had shot that to hell.

[Loriana]

If she just uses this guy for sex then why was it so hard for her to cut him out of her life? I think there is more to this than her losing the baby I think she has feelings for this guy. The reason why she told you she is willing to cut him out of her life now is only because she got caught. If you never saw those messages I'm sure she would still be continuing to think that she can have both of you. Once the trust is broken it's very hard to get it back, if you are the most important thing to her she wouldn't have hurt you like this.

[MissCanuck]

Nope, nope and nope.

 

This is over. Don't waste any more of your time with someone who doesn't respect you and isn't in love with you. She's also a terrible liar.

[Andrina]

You mustn't think you're worthy of much, staying with a woman whose ethics are to cheat and to be emotionally closed off.

 

"I want to forgive her, because I think it would be too easy to walk away and I do have genuine feelings for her. Life is about taking risks, and I dont want to regret not giving her one more chance to prove we can work."

 

Having feelings for someone is only one component in a good relationship. It takes someone meeting all of your major needs to work as it should. Taking a risk on someone like this who you expect to change overnight without intensive therapy and an epiphany is foolish. You might be one of those co-dependent people who thrive on drama. It looks like you have some work to do on yourself as well. You didn't break up with her when she cheated. This shows her that she can continue her behavior without consequences. Even if you had broken up , a person's ethics normally don't change unless a lot of maturing and major psychological changes and epiphanies happen.

[nutbrownhare]

Quite apart from the lying and cheating (as if that wasn't bad enough!) beware of statements like this, in any relationship:

 

Recently she has become more distant and nasty towards me, and I kept telling her that it was making me unhappy. She would just tell me, its who she is and not to take it personally.

 

It can be easy to take very unpleasant behaviour from another, if you keep telling yourself that it's nothing personal. However, what they are saying very clearly is "I am a nasty piece of work, and I will be unpleasant to everyone unless it suits me to be otherwise. I don't care." Even if you tell yourself it's not about you, DO NOT underestimate the terribly damaging effect that this kind of behaviour will have on your self esteem.

 

I can't add to what others have said about the lying and cheating, except to say run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

[No1]

about the relationship.. Regardless of reason, you two shouldnt be together. If you stay with her or try to work it out. You are going to be a 'doormat'. Let her go and find someone local you can be with.

 

about the snooping... knock it off. Snooping is a hard habit to break and dont ever do it again. Regardless of what you find or dont find, resorting to spying or snooping makes you no better than the person you are snooping on. She cheated, you invaded her personal space. Both of you were bad.

 

Let her go, start over with a new girl

[RayF]

Dude please take it from the objective bunch here... I know how damn difficult it is when you are emotionally invested, you rationalize, you defend bad behavior and in spite of how it looks on the outside only you know the good parts of your relationship and in a way are addicted to that gratification.

 

I have two best friends who took their exes back and forgave them for cheating and they were remorseful but never changed and it just prolonged the inevitable.

 

I know you care for her and for that you rationalize should you support her.

 

But love YOU more. I don't care what anyone says this is not something ANYONE should have to deal with. Ever.

 

She blatantly lied to you, tries to manipulate you into feeling sorry for her and sleeps with another man. AND she's mean and rude to you and has the audacity to tell you thats just what she is so you should deal with it.

 

Oh and she says that sex is the way you deal with a misscarrage. What!? What could that possibly even mean... is she trying to get pregnant with this guy so she can have the baby she lost with him? This makes no sense and is a load of BS.

 

This kind of behavior is about the worst kind of treatment you can receive in a relationship. You don't deserve that from someone you care about.

 

Kick her to the curb and don't look back, you may share some special things with her but leave the door open so you can find someone else who you can share new special things with but treats you like you deserve, is a stand up woman and respects you and wants only you.

 

You may find her in a week or maybe in three years.. who knows but the longer you linger in this bad situation the longer it will take to find true happiness with a deserving partner.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together? Unfortunately she sounds very attached to him emotionally and sexually like a lover she won't admit to. They won't be ending it, they will just hide it better.

 

Did she really tell you that currently are having sex was the way they cope with the unplanned pregnancy they had?

 

You may have to seriously reconsider trusting her not only because of the lies but really? using sex to cope?

She told me that sex was the way they would deal with the emotional situation of the miscarriage

[ParisPaulette]

No, what's not normal is wanting to try and pretend what you have in front of you is a women who couldn't even make it out of the honeymoon stage (4 months, you gotta be kidding me, right????) before she was lying and cheating on you. If she is that dependent on the other guy then what in the hello does she even need you for???? Backup, ego strokes, you buy her stuff when he won't, what is it? 'Cause that sure ain't love.

 

Forgive me but really puhleease, really? "I need sex with someone else to cope and you will just have to suck it up buttercup"?????

 

Look, it's actually on you to decide what you want to risk. None of us can stop you and your mind seems pretty made up, so I'm not even sure what you're asking here. Do I think it's a good idea. Oh heck no, but then I've given a few cheaters and liars in my time second, third, heck one I even gave six chances to. And I finally got really tired of being walked on, so now nope. I do not care how much I like someone if I catch them lying or cheating then there is the door. Sure I'll cry, but not half as much as getting jerked around and cheated on plus you know, I like not being freaked out about my annual health exam and what it might bring back when I do my STD panel.

 

It's on you to learn, either the easy or the hard way, but if you must then go for it. Heck, maybe it's about having a fully open relationship, see what she says about that. You know, "If you can have sex with other people then I feel I also need that as well to "cope" with your unfaithfulness to me. So meet Amy, my new FWB on the side."

[Wiseman2]

LMAO

"If you can have sex with other people then I feel I also need that as well to "cope" with your unfaithfulness to me. So meet Amy, my new FWB on the side."

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