So angry for how easy it will be for her to move on from me...

[RayF]

I'll admit it I'm weak, I have not disconnected my ex's google drive photo stream and I'm seeing things I don't like. I know I gotta get strong and cut that cord for my own sake, but three weeks after and there's already picture of guys I dont know who they are... not with her.. like his vacation selfies... but still.

 

It's so much easier for girls... they just walk into a bar and simply exist and some dude throws themself at her and if she chose to leave her boyfriend then she already has disconnected from me, and now she can easily have a distraction from her guilt from some new guy and live it up or around or whatever...

 

Meanwhile me, the dumped guy is left ego bruised and broken hearted and while i may have my fleeting moments of thinking I want to chase a random girl for a rebound or whatever im not in the mindset or right energy to attract her anyway.

 

sorry I'm bitter and I don't want to offend anyone or make broad generalizations about men and women or minimize the pain of the ladies here who are hurting as a dumper or dumpee but I truly do feel this way and it's not just about my ex, women have it easier ...

 

my ex, who left me without another guy in the wings, claimed to be left emotionally distraught and still loved me and it would take her awhile to even think about being with someone else... but I know her, she can't stay single and does not stay single for long...she was fishing around for emotional connections with her ex while breaking up with me and the random pictures has me thinking she may also already encountered or is possibly seeing a guy just three damn weeks after she ended our relationship and here I am barely even had a chance to speak to a new girl... and I've been in bars and out and at events too.

 

if you're a guy who doesn't hound girls and waits for a girl to express interest first, or builds a connection with a girl before you ask her out and wants quality not quantity you are destined for long horrible dry spells. No girls are coming up to you, and if they do they are not the kind who want anything. I'm a good looking successful and well dressed of guy and people tell me that all the time but I struggle like hell with meeting and dating girls. Always have and it just frustrates me... not all the time but now because I already feel like crap that my ex threw me away like trash and is already out there so easy picking up guys...

 

i can't believe I'm in this situation again...

[1a1a]

Lady here, single for over a year now.

[Clio]

I have not disconnected my ex's google drive photo stream and I'm seeing things I don't like. I know I gotta get strong and cut that cord for my own sake

 

she can't stay single and does not stay single for long

 

sorry I'm bitter and I don't want to offend anyone or make broad generalizations about men and women or minimize the pain of the ladies here who are hurting as a dumper or dumpee but I truly do feel this way and it's not just about my ex, women have it easier ...

 

Very sorry about your break up. We all have been there at one time. It IS painful and makes one feel like crap regardless of gender.

 

a) You NEED to disconnect your ex's google drive photo stream ASAP. You are driving yourself crazy with speculations and messing up your healing process. The longer you continue this, the longer you will feel like crap and delay your own healing.

b) Generalizing is not useful and not true. People who can't stay single for long can be found in both sexes. Both men and women do this. These generalizations stem from your hurt ego. A woman dumped could make such declarations just as easily and come up with plenty of examples e.g. my ex did similar things to me (i.e. I have been where you are) and I am female. Again, I am here to tell you that you need to refrain from finding any new info about your ex, disconnect your ex's google drive and block her on all social media. Your brain will use any new info to hurt you and keep you stuck in the past.

c) Women do not have it easier. A girl could have easily written your post. Some of the stereotypes faced may be different but overall both sexes face similar issues. The vast majority of dumpees go through the thought process reflected in your post regardless of gender. Learning ANY new info about your ex at this stage is toxic and makes things worse.

 

Basically, your mind is telling you a bunch of negative stories and most of them are not even true, just speculation. This is why you are not "in the mindset or right energy to attract someone". You will get better but please trust me when I say that you need to cut off all new info about what she does from now on from reaching you.

[kathy679]

It's not easier for girls...pain is pain and when u feel it it doesn't have a favourite gender.

I've been where you are, I think most of us on this site has. The pain I felt was out of control. It felt like no one had ever felt as much pain as me ..ever. not once did I feel that men have it easier. Even though I was the one who could of apparently found it easier to go to a bar and hook up with some one because I'm a woman.....tht would of made me feel worse, so I don't see that as a perk like you seem to think

[pinkprincess]

Just because she looks like she is having fun and has moved on does not necessarily mean she has. She is using these men as a distraction technique. Some girls are unable to be on their own and tend to latch on to anyone that pays them attention in order to minimise hurt. This works for a short time but is merely putting a plaster on it to mask whats going on underneath. These men are more than likely to be rebounds, distraction techniques and ego boosters and you may find that this is a front that she puts on in order to mask the pain she is actually feeling. These men are not in a good position either as they are being played to help her get over her last relationship and you will probably find she has no real interest in them.

Like you said earlier this girl does not do being single therefore she is the type of girl who needs male attention in order to feel confident and happy but you will find that at the surface when she has that spare minute to gather her thoughts she really is not all that happy and she probably has no feelings or connections with these men they merely serve a purpose to combat her loneliness and need to feel wanted.

it is a very common trait with women so don't let what you see effect you it is likely that she knows you can see all this too and you may have noticed if she has social media her activity on that has increased, this is all merely for show and a facade and does not depict what she is truthfully feeling. Women don't like to look weak post BU and tend to idealise their life to the outside word however as you well know people can be deceitful in a way that they can choose how they want the world to perceive their lives and this is often not a true reflection and many times is a direct opposite of their lives.

you need to disconnect that google drive as you are merely playing into her hand and allowing you to see whatever mind games and facade she wants to portray. People will never post what they really feel as then it allows others to see their pain which makes women feel weak.

[nutbrownhare]

Go NC. Don't look at what she's doing; if others want to talk about her, tell them you don't want to know - and cut her out of your life completely. Keeping tabs on her will only pull the scabs off any healing you've managed so far.

 

I had a bad breakup just before Xmas 2011; not just the end of the relationship, but I had nowhere to live, no job and was in a strange town where I hardly knew anybody - the only thing to do was to look forwards. I'd get the odd snippets of information about him being an absolute ***, and I know that he was online looking for a new woman the moment I'd moved the last of my stuff out. That's his stuff - he is who he is.

 

Don't regard the dry spells between relationships as horrible; use them to develop your interests, go on trips, do things you've always wanted to do. I don't know if you've ever been in therapy, but it's a great opportunity for self reflection because all these powerful emotions rise to the surface and can be dealt with in a positive way. Don't bemoan the fact that you like to have a genuine connection before you get romantically involved with someone; it makes sense if you want a meaningful relationship. I can guarantee that if your ex is hanging out with a load of guys she's only just met, it's unlikely that any of them are going to last; some people can't stay single because they can't face the emptiness inside, or just live with themselves without the distraction of a partner. That doesn't mean she's got anything to give to a relationship.

 

I was single for 3.5 years before I met my current guy, and it was time well spent. It wasn't due to lack of interest from men, either, but I needed the time to heal and grow, and at that time I wouldn't have had much to give a partner.

[RayF]

Thank you all you had some great insight that made me look at this more objectively.

 

I do know obviously she's distracting herself from pain by eagerly and aggressively moving on to other guys (possibly) or whatever she's doing.

 

And I know I have to delete her and not look at her stuff... I know it and I hate myself for not doing it yet but I have not spoken to her since the day we broke up and have no intention to.

 

I think she did the same thing with me her ex of four years dumped her and she met me three weeks after too. I may have been an inital rebound, I remember how aggressively she was on the prowl before I made my move on her... Our relationship was very real though and we had a special bond and connection and did love eachother and she left knowing that no one had loved her like I did and shown her so much commitment but I think her lack of ability to be on her own and comfortable and realistic about the ups and downs of relationships is what caused her to walk away from ours when she realized it wasn't all fun and games and requires real long term commitment and work and compromise all of which I was willing to do and showed her I could. At that point she just rationalized I was not who she wanted and she did'nt want to deal.

 

And I think the reason why she was gravitating to her ex while she was nr up with me was in part the need for attention and emotional gratification to mask the pain and also because she never really processed the feelings of breaking up with him either.

 

She never wanted to talk about negative things in life and never wanted to be visually upset or down... she's just running away from her pain and insecurities.

 

I'm trying my hardest to move on and yes I know that she will soon find she was incredibly lucky to have met me so soon after her breakup and that lightning will not always strike twice.

 

Selfishly i hope she gets screwed over a lot and totally is let down by the guys she encounters in the next few years. I'm not waiting for her but I'm human enough to admit I wan her to look back one day and realize how stupid she was for walking away from me.

[Wolfshook]

Well, it isnt that easy for girls either from what I've whitnessed.

 

I know where you're comming from with your way of thinking, but have you ever stopped and asked yourself "maybe I'm the problem here".

 

The thing is, most western people still approach women-men relationships in traditional manner. Girls still expect you to approach them and show them attention. Though they have become more free now,so if you show them some attention they will respond by trying to start conversation with you. Most my friends that think your way actually freeze and look away from girl they like. Which makes no sense to do. If you ignore them, they will perceive that as you not being interested in them.

 

There are many ways to change yourself. I'd recommend art of manliness website and "rules of the game" book. The book is actually a PUA book and it gets pretty shi**y towards the end,but there are some good exercises at the beginning that will help you overcome shyness. I actually find it very hard to recommend this bool because I'm not a fan of PUA,but the beginning stages of interaction with people are great fo r exercise.

[reinventmyself]

You have to admit that you honestly do not know how she's is feeling at this time, unless you are clairvoyant.

 

But what you are feeling is pretty typical. We tend a assume they've moved on and picking daisies and jumping over rainbows, while we are left wallowing.

 

What she is actually feeling is in reality unknown to you. If you have a choice of filling in the blank, why not choose something that you can tolerate rather than choosing some idea that makes you suffer needlessly?

It is a choice, you know.

 

I have been on both sides of a breakup.

A couple break ups were my choice and I can promise you that were just as much or slightly less painful then being the one left.

 

If she is indeed rebounding and not processing her grief, then she is less likely to have successful, healthy relationship her next time around.

Do not be envious of that! I wouldn't be and feel sorry for the next guy.

 

Bottom line is you need take the focus off of her. It delays your own healing.

 

I don't know about you, but I would want to get to the other side of grief the fastest and healthiest way possible.

 

You do so by blocking all means of contact with her and that starts with social media.

Every time you look and conjure up scenarios to torture yourself, you stay attached.

Just viewing pictures of her lights up parts of your limbic system you are trying to quiet down.

It's like an addiction. You need to abstain.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but try not to paint all situations/women this way. You'll find someone again.

 

True, unless you pick up anything and everything there will be dry spells. So? Better than coyote mornings and stds, right?

if you're a guy who doesn't hound girls and waits for a girl to express interest first, or builds a connection with a girl before you ask her out and wants quality not quantity you are destined for long horrible dry spells.

[lillorenzo23]

Thank you all you had some great insight that made me look at this more objectively.

 

I do know obviously she's distracting herself from pain by eagerly and aggressively moving on to other guys (possibly) or whatever she's doing.

 

And I know I have to delete her and not look at her stuff... I know it and I hate myself for not doing it yet but I have not spoken to her since the day we broke up and have no intention to.

 

I think she did the same thing with me her ex of four years dumped her and she met me three weeks after too. I may have been an inital rebound, I remember how aggressively she was on the prowl before I made my move on her... Our relationship was very real though and we had a special bond and connection and did love eachother and she left knowing that no one had loved her like I did and shown her so much commitment but I think her lack of ability to be on her own and comfortable and realistic about the ups and downs of relationships is what caused her to walk away from ours when she realized it wasn't all fun and games and requires real long term commitment and work and compromise all of which I was willing to do and showed her I could. At that point she just rationalized I was not who she wanted and she did'nt want to deal.

 

And I think the reason why she was gravitating to her ex while she was nr up with me was in part the need for attention and emotional gratification to mask the pain and also because she never really processed the feelings of breaking up with him either.

 

She never wanted to talk about negative things in life and never wanted to be visually upset or down... she's just running away from her pain and insecurities.

 

I'm trying my hardest to move on and yes I know that she will soon find she was incredibly lucky to have met me so soon after her breakup and that lightning will not always strike twice.

 

Selfishly i hope she gets screwed over a lot and totally is let down by the guys she encounters in the next few years. I'm not waiting for her but I'm human enough to admit I wan her to look back one day and realize how stupid she was for walking away from me.

 

Bro, I honestly think we may be twins (other than the fact that I'm gay and was dating a dude, haha), but I had a 2 year relationship with a guy that I met 3 weeks after his previous 2 year relationship ended. I, however, did not know this because I was told the last relationship he was in was months prior to him meeting me and they had been N/C for over 90 days, plus it was 'over before it was over' so he didn't have trouble moving on. Which in turn, resulted in a bunch of conflicted feelings he had where he felt the need to communicate with his ex multiple times behind my back during the course of our relationship that ultimately ended due to us 'not being compatible' when the road got rough. Looking back at it now, I don't think this guy ever goes through the grief process of losing somebody, but rather masks his hurt with the next 'love of his life', until gets real. Then this storm of emotions makes him high-tail and run on to the next, because he's never actually dealt with a problem. Crazy world we live in, where people use people and spit them back out. One day, we'll both find somebody that would fight for us just as hard as we would for them. Crazy though, our situations are so similar.

[RayF]

lillorenzo23 sorry to hear you are going through similar circumstances

 

My therapist was stuck with what I said when I told him that she refused to accept the reality of anything negative in life. He said that part of being human and being happy is knowing that there will be hard times and feeling them and that she will find herself in a similar place eventually with any person she is with as soon as stuff gets real.

 

He also agrees with me that perhaps not having processed her feelings with her ex before she fell in love with me was part of why she was reaching out to him as we were breaking up and as she realized she was about to leave me. All the emotions came back at once. I don't know for sure but I bet she rationalized all the things wrong with that relationship and as she disconnected with me realized they were not so bad. She will probably do the same with me because the truth is nothing is ever perfect and if the sum of the whole is good then you are way ahead of the game. She just doesn't know that yet.

 

She buries or distracts herself from negative emotions instead of dealing with them and for that reason she will never be able to handle a real relationship and be empathetic and supportive or stick around for the long haul when the other person is going through a rough period.

 

I questioned myself and our connection if it was genuine for both of us because she was just so all in on everything, was it just to fill that void in her life with me? Its really been worrying me thinking I could feel so real and intense about someone and it not be mutual, but he tells me that unless I'm delusional, which I probably not of course, that connection was genuine and the love was real.

 

 

It's something I just don't have the ability to do (not process this). I've spent time with another girl , slept with her, (the irony of why/when I started this thread, but I have to say it makes me feel better for my own edification if anything )she has a lot of qualities I like but I'm just not separated emotionally from my ex and it makes me angry she's maybe not thinking of me... and processing it like I have and am.

 

Since I posted this i realized the guy in the photos was a friend since early years and is in other country... I remember maybe her making some vague comment about a friend in Australia but I don't remember the context, it;s weird though that he's continually popping up on her feed (I know I need to disconnect) it does not mean he could not be an old flame or that she is forging some emotional connection with him though. I have no details, but given her attachment style I would not be surprised. In any way he's clearly not in France so it's not like he's sleeping with her. I know I need to move on regardless and not think about this...

 

I wish and hope it's possible for it all just to click for her and for her to realize what we had was truly special and she was wrong to leave thinking an easier path awaits somehow. But sh is not going to call me realizing that in a week... she needs to go through life. I know I need to let her go..

 

I hope she goes through pain, loss, rejection and hopelessness in order to realize what she walked away from. Meeting me after her long term ex is not the norm it's the exception... I refuse to believe if even in the moment she gets caught up in some guy who is fun or carefree that that soul connection we shared will be easy to come by.

[mfrankie1]

I'm a 26 year old woman who lives in a big city and I haven't gone searching for guys in the 6 months since I was dumped. everytime I talk to a guy online (i tried) or in person even generally, I just have a wall up and I don't care to let them in so it never goes past chit chat. They could be 10x more 'attractive' than my ex in a typical way and I know I could distract myself with them as you say woman can do, but I also know I'm strong enough to be alone. I actually wanted to grieve for my ex and figure myself out because I think it builds character too. However, a couple of days he's flaunting a girl on instagram...because he's the type of person that goes out to bars a lot and must have a babble around him and someone stroking the ego.

 

Take care of yourself, you don't need to be like her or be envious of her in some way that she has distractions. You could too have more, if you really wanted, online dating/meet up groups makes it easier... but it would be forced by the sounds of it. She doesn't sound comfortable being alone or in her own skin. None of us feel great after break up but you are brave enough that you aren't potentially leaning on the company of others who probably mean very little to her, or her to them, just feeding off the attention of guys (shallow) ...just some thoughts.

 

At the end of the day, people operate different ways. Even if she has pics with another guy she could still be upset when she's alone at the end of the day, thinking it over.

 

It's funny, my ex dumped HIS ex way before me (in a cut-off, ignoring type way apparently), had flings in between, then met me and yet the whole time we were together of a year he would periodically mention her (casually her new bf he'd seen on instagram, her unfriending him on FB and "why she did that" and including showing me pics of her because I wasn't really one to react to this stuff). I always thought it weird cos he was the DUMPER but it showed it still affected him even months and months after. He even said he was curious to see her again...However, they haven't got back together to my knowledge and he was adamant he never would.

 

Similarly, when I broke up with another ex because of his controlling way and cheating, I just had to clean break and get back into my groove. But it took all my willpower and distraction of university to do that! I still thought about him a lot and still do! But i had to break up.

 

My point: both are always affected by the break up. Sorry if this wasn't helpful at all...chin up

[RayF]

mfrankie1 it was VERY helpful. Thank you for your perspective, it's a unique one I've not really heard before and you are right on many levels.

 

I understand also big city dating and it's woes, keep your chin up and take car of you, when you are ready to open yourself to new love I'm sure there are a lot of guys who are willing to love you in a way your ex never did or could.

 

It's one thing I refuse to do, even though I'm not capable right now after other relationships even ones I ended it made me close myself more and close my heart to love, and even though I lost the most intense feeling of love with a person I ever had I don't want to live a life where I don't have that, or can't share myself in a way with someone that much because it makes me truly happy. I wish it could have been her forever but she did not feel the same... I can't do anything.

 

I just hope to God that there's another person out there who can do that for me, because it took me 32 years for anyone to make me feel remotely like that.

[mfrankie1]

I'm glad it was helpful...thank you too, I wish the same for you. Opening up, that's the tricky bit, it feels almost impossible after such intense love. I still remember the intense happiness (or super contentment?!) of just being with my ex sitting having coffee and to know he didn't feel the same way in the end, that I had my heart wide open and vulnerable to just be crushed...well, urgh!

 

It's scary to think we have to be that open to love again and not watch our hearts constantly. But we gotta do it! Like you say, there is no better feeling than being able to share that love and trust in someone. Maybe be a bit more watchful next time around to "red flags" and such but there is that saying "love is a risk". Hell's yeah it is..haha

 

I have a feeling there will be another person out there for you, even better you sound like you have a great heart and I hope the next person is truly deserving of your company.

[RayF]

I really know how you feel. After my first love dumped me I was a lot less open. I beat myself up a lot for not opening to my next major relationship who was a good person and wanted nothing more than to be with me forever. I thought, why am I unable to love her the way I loved my first. But years later after I met my most recent ex who I thought was "the love of my life" and not in fatalist sense but just in the way that I never felt like that before, I realized it was not the I was unable to open to that other girl but she was not the girl for me. She didn't make me feel those feelings and now knowing what I know I would have never waisted her or my time again.

 

My dad who kind of settled for his current girlfriend believes finding that person who makes you feel that way is kind of like finding needle in a haystack. It could be true and probably is and I'm afraid of that a lot to be honest. It's the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now other than just loving and missing her.

 

In time, I hope not to be looking for my ex herself, but looking that feeling.

 

Now I know I can feel that, and for me that's huge I just did not think it was possible for me and sort of started to think me being closed off was just the norm.

 

When I met this girl she made me feel safe in a way I never did, she stimulated my heart and my mind. We just clicked, she brought out the best in me and made me think past myself. All the doors I had shut just totally opened up.

 

Im really convinced it will happen for you too, when the right guy comes along. You're right it really is a risk but when you find that you will know you need to take the risk and sometimes you have to be in the midst of all of the red flags to really understand them and understand if they matter or not. It's so hard to see that on the outside.

 

I can tell you have a lot of love to give as well, I hope for both of us we keep the strength to keep open minded enough to be open to that right person if/when they come along, but never loose sight of what kind of person we need (even if we never knew we needed them until we met them) to wait for that feeling of being safe to love so deeply again.