Mixed signals, don't know what to do. Help!

[chillymrie]

5 years. That's how long I've like this guy. I should know better by now. We've been through so much over the years. I do believe he's the one I'll always love, and never get over even though we were never together to begin with.

 

The thing is, He always sends mixed signals on whether he really wants to try something with me, and then I hear nothing from him for 2 weeks. He's told me he's 'unsure' what he wants. But says that he's only thinking of maybe trying a relationship with me because I've always been there for him. Even with everything he's gone through, I never left.

 

Even weirder? I got a snapchat from him of a teddy bear. I'm not sure what to think of it or him.

 

This was more for rant purposes, but opinions/advice are welcome.

[IAmFCA]

Ages please?

[chillymrie]

Ages please?

I'm 25 and he's 27

[IAmFCA]

He has not been there for you. You've attached yourself to him, even as he has never attached to you.

 

Read up on love addiction.

[Clio]

5 years. That's how long I've like this guy.

 

The thing is, He always sends mixed signals on whether he really wants to try something with me, and then I hear nothing from him for 2 weeks.

 

There is nothing you can do to change him. Five years of mixed signals mean that he is just not that into you (Read the "He is just not that into you" book if you haven't). There is lack of chemistry on his side. For whatever reason, he is not physically attracted to you (he would never say that to your face of course) and this cannot be fixed. Even if you were to ever get together, he would leave you the minute he found someone whom he fancied. The truth lies in his lack of consistent action for HALF A DECADE. Sure, he likes all the support that you have amply provided him over the years, hence all the breadcrumbs, but that is all there is to it. You have been grasping at straws and this a serious waste of your life (remember that you can never get back the years you waste). You CANNOT make someone fall in love with you. If he really wanted to be with you, he would have by now. It's not going to happen. All that hope that you retain is just your own brain playing tricks on you. You are wasting the best years of your life. Research limerence and the sunk cost fallacy, and if available, seek therapy. On some level you are emotionally unavailable and this is probably related to issues stemming from your childhood.

 

If you really want a healthy romantic relationship you need to accept that this guy is NOT the one for you, cut him out of your life (like you would with an alcohol addiction) and move on to meeting new people. Otherwise, you will be stuck in limbo forever. You can never get back the years you wasted on this guy. Stop now, while there is still time.

[SooSad33]

Agree with the above poster ^

It's been going on for 5 years! IF he was actually that into you.. you'd know it!

 

But still... you hear 'how unsure' he is? Then move along.. no expectations and Live Your Life.

[reinventmyself]

I have learned over the years that mixed signals = no go.

 

It's exhausting when you are trying to decode their behavior and good Lord, you've been at it for 5 years!

Going forward, if you get mixed signals from a man, keep moving and don't look back.

 

You've become attached to this one and look what you have, nothing but wasted time.

 

Trust me when I tell you, if a man is interested - you-will-know-it

 

This is one is only interested in head games.

[chillymrie]

There is nothing you can do to change him. Five years of mixed signals mean that he is just not that into you (Read the "He is just not that into you" book if you haven't). There is lack of chemistry on his side. For whatever reason, he is not physically attracted to you (he would never say that to your face of course) and this cannot be fixed. Even if you were to ever get together, he would leave you the minute he found someone whom he fancied. The truth lies in his lack of consistent action for HALF A DECADE. Sure, he likes all the support that you have amply provided him over the years, hence all the breadcrumbs, but that is all there is to it. You have been grasping at straws and this a serious waste of your life (remember that you can never get back the years you waste). You CANNOT make someone fall in love with you. If he really wanted to be with you, he would have by now. It's not going to happen. All that hope that you retain is just your own brain playing tricks on you. You are wasting the best years of your life. Research limerence and the sunk cost fallacy, and if available, seek therapy. On some level you are emotionally unavailable and this is probably related to issues stemming from your childhood.

 

If you really want a healthy romantic relationship you need to accept that this guy is NOT the one for you, cut him out of your life (like you would with an alcohol addiction) and move on to meeting new people. Otherwise, you will be stuck in limbo forever. You can never get back the years you wasted on this guy. Stop now, while there is still time.

I'm not trying to change him....

For a while, like 2 years of the 5, I looked at us as nothing but friends. He's dated others, brought me around them even. The girls can usually tell I like him, but they don't do anything. I won't do anything because I'm not that kind of person. I don't mess with relationships.

 

I felt like I moved on from him for about a year. Then the day came where he asked me out on a date. I knew deep inside that I didn't "like" him like I used to, but I thought I'd give it a shot. Turns out, the date never actually happened. That's when he told me he was unsure what he wants. Based on his behavior after that, I should've known what was going to happen.

 

He keeps asking me to come visit again. A month ago, I spent 2 days at his house. It was actually quite boring because he worked all day one of the days... He was mentioning something about if we ever got together, we'd have to have separate food cabinets (I'm gluten free, he's not). And then he questioned why he was thinking about that because we're not even together.

 

He's an incredibly sweet guy who's been through a lot of crap, yet he doesn't let it effect him. It's just the years of mixed signals of whether he wants something with me or not that I'm getting annoyed with.

[reinventmyself]

He's likely thought about it, but thinking about it and actually acting on it is two different things.

A side comment about a cabinet is not enough to go on. His actions say otherwise

[chillymrie]

He's likely thought about it, but thinking about it and actually acting on it is two different things.

A side comment about a cabinet is not enough to go on. His actions say otherwise

I didn't say that's all I was going on. I know his actions don't match what he says. It's been that way a long time now. I can't exactly help how I feel towards him and he knows I've liked him this whole time. He's actually teased me about it many times. And because we're friends, it isn't awkward.

[reinventmyself]

I didn't say that's all I was going on. I know his actions don't match what he says. It's been that way a long time now. I can't exactly help how I feel towards him and he knows I've liked him this whole time. He's actually teased me about it many times. And because we're friends, it isn't awkward.

You've gotten feedback to your original question.

What are you going to do now?

[chillymrie]

You've gotten feedback to your original question.

What are you going to do now?

I am going to stay friends with him no matter what. We may not be as good of friends anymore, but I'm always going to be there for him. I'm not going to expect him to WANT to be with me, I never have. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, than not at all.

[JaggerJim]

I am going to stay friends with him no matter what. We may not be as good of friends anymore, but I'm always going to be there for him. I'm not going to expect him to WANT to be with me, I never have. I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, than not at all.

 

Time to move on Girl! And Let go!

[katrina1980]

 

He's told me he's 'unsure' what he wants. But says that he's only thinking of maybe trying a relationship with me because I've always been there for him. Even with everything he's gone through, I never left.

 

 

Bingo!

 

Big mistake allowing him to think you will always "be there" for him. And him knowing how much you like him.

 

No wonder he's never developed feelings for you, you're always around, he KNOWS you will always "be" around.... he's never had a chance to wonder about you, or to miss you, or to think about what life would be like without you (which is how attraction develops). You're always there!

 

My advice would be to move away from him. Distance yourself. Don't always "be there" for him.

 

Let him wonder about you, where you are, who you're with, how you feel about him.... DON'T jump like a puppy every time he tosses you a bone. In fact, don't jump at all!

 

Do your own thing, live your life, date other guys.

 

In short, you've been too "easy."

 

There is a saying "we appreciate more those things (and people) we have to work for."

 

He has never had to "work" for anything concerning you, cuz again, you're always "there for him."

 

Not saying that when you distance yourself, he will definitely miss you and start liking you, want to date you or have a RL with you.

 

But it's possible he might! Its been known to happen.... not that uncommon actually.

 

In any event, you can't lose by moving away from him. Either he will miss you and realize his feelings (if he has any) or he won't.

 

And your distancing yourself is better for YOU in the long run because heck, five years is just too long!

[chillymrie]

Bingo!

 

Big mistake allowing him to think you will always "be there" for him. And him knowing how much you like him.

 

No wonder he's never developed feelings for you, you're always around, he KNOWS you will always "be" around.... he's never had a chance to wonder about you, or to miss you, or to think about what life would be like without you (which is how attraction develops). You're always there!

 

My advice would be to move away from him. Distance yourself. Don't always "be there" for him.

 

Let him wonder about you, where you are, who you're with, how you feel about him.... DON'T jump like a puppy every time he tosses you a bone. In fact, don't jump at all!

 

Do your own thing, live your life, date other guys.

 

In short, you've been too "easy."

 

There is a saying "we appreciate more those things (and people) we have to work for."

 

He has never had to "work" for anything concerning you, cuz again, you're always "there for him."

 

Not saying that when you distance yourself, he will definitely miss you and start liking you, want to date you or have a RL with you.

 

But it's possible he might! Its been known to happen.... not that uncommon actually.

 

In any event, you can't lose by moving away from him. Either he will miss you and realize his feelings (if he has any) or he won't.

 

And your distancing yourself is better for YOU in the long run because heck, five years is just too long!

I'm actually NOT always there. I only saw him once in the last 2 years, a month ago. He already asked me to visit again. I don't jump at him right away. But I think I may have a few too many times because when I think back, every time he's asked me to meet up, I dropped everything and went. And the one time I didn't, he was upset and it, in return, made me feel crappy.

 

I only talk to him maybe a couple/few times a month already. He lives about 45 minutes away from me. apparently drives all the way out this way to visit friends 3 towns over, but won't come see me because he wants me to drive to him when he gets back home. When he comes out this way because "wants to see me," and I can't meet up or I'm not home, he always tells me "I owe him one." Meaning I have to drive to him...

 

It's highly disfunctional, I know. He's a really good guy, but there are flaws. Apparently many of them. Between us both. 😅

 

Maybe dropping him completely IS what I need.

[IAmFCA]

1. You didn't come over and you let him make you feel bad

A. Manipulative on his part

B. Powerless on your part. There is no reason to internalize his whining like that.

 

2. He drives near you to see people you don't know but expects you to drive to see him.

 

A. He is keeping boundaries near you.

B. He refuses to show himself pursuing you. He has impunity when you eventually want to blame him for being too casual with you because you've chosen to go see him.

 

If you want to drive there for sex, ok. I recommend dropping him in total.

[chillymrie]

1. You didn't come over and you let him make you feel bad

A. Manipulative on his part

B. Powerless on your part. There is no reason to internalize his whining like that.

 

2. He drives near you to see people you don't know but expects you to drive to see him.

 

A. He is keeping boundaries near you.

B. He refuses to show himself pursuing you. He has impunity when you eventually want to blame him for being too casual with you because you've chosen to go see him.

 

If you want to drive there for sex, ok. I recommend dropping him in total.

He's brought me around his friends before. In fact, one of his friends was at his house when I visited him.

 

His friend made all sorts of jokes about us being a couple and he told him to stop... so that basically means he's not sure either way.

 

And another thing, we're not having sex. I haven't even kissed the guy. He kissed me on the cheek a couple years ago around my birthday. We've held hands a few times, but it never went passed that.

 

He's come over 3 times at 2:30-3am over the last 3 years to say hi because he was passing through town too. Which to be honest, I hear everyone tell me that must mean he cares at least a little about me.

[Clio]

You are grasping at straws. You need to realise that this relationship keeps you stuck. Staying friends with him is not harmless. It keeps you stuck in terms of letting other men in and forming a meaningful relationship with another man. However, at the end of the day, it is YOUR life to waste.

[IAmFCA]

You are remaining in his orbit for a reason that is giving you benefits today. What are those benefits? The benefit of having a guy to think about? Something else?

 

Recognize what his purpose is to you at this moment so that you'll know when he no longer serves a purpose.

[chillymrie]

You are remaining in his orbit for a reason that is giving you benefits today. What are those benefits? The benefit of having a guy to think about? Something else?

 

Recognize what his purpose is to you at this moment so that you'll know when he no longer serves a purpose.

I may be in his orbit a little, but I haven't been around the guy at all in the last 2 years, up until a month ago. I didn't have feelings at all for the guy for a year after I hadn't seen him. I'm not an idiot. I know when I should stop, but sometimes you can't quite help how you feel towards someone. I know he already made up his mind whether or not he tells me how he actually feels towards me. But like I said, I can't help how I feel.

 

I sure as hell am not going to therapy over something as stupid as liking a guy for this long.

 

Everyone: please stop judging me based on how little you actually know about me, him and the whole situation. I was only asking for advice, that's all.

[IAmFCA]

OP I am not sure how my words convey judgment, I don't see anything to that effect. You didn't answer my question as to how you benefit. I asked it because it isn't clear to me why you would stay involved with him at all - it seems one-sided and that he is deliberately keeping the rest of his life separate that one example of his friend being the exception. I really don't get why he doesn't see you when he drives your way for friends, or why he doesn't drive to see you. Perhaps it is that he wants a sleepover at his house not yours perhaps, or that he doesn't think you will invite him to stay over?

 

So I get back to my question... i get that you like him but you are more invested than he is. I don't know why you would bother to continue, but if you do, step back and let him take responsibility for the drive. Be direct: How about if you come my way? If he doesn't, it will be good that you divested now.

[chillymrie]

OP I am not sure how my words convey judgment, I don't see anything to that effect. You didn't answer my question as to how you benefit. I asked it because it isn't clear to me why you would stay involved with him at all - it seems one-sided and that he is deliberately keeping the rest of his life separate that one example of his friend being the exception. I really don't get why he doesn't see you when he drives your way for friends, or why he doesn't drive to see you. Perhaps it is that he wants a sleepover at his house not yours perhaps, or that he doesn't think you will invite him to stay over?

 

So I get back to my question... i get that you like him but you are more invested than he is. I don't know why you would bother to continue, but if you do, step back and let him take responsibility for the drive. Be direct: How about if you come my way? If he doesn't, it will be good that you divested now.

I didn't say you were the judgemental one. I'm talking about everyone who said I need help therapy wise and to read books about stuff like this to help me get over him or drop him completely.

 

I already figured he didn't feel the same after not hearing from him for a week when he told me he's unsure how he feels when I was at his house (nothing happened, I just stayed the night for 2 days).

 

I'm just friends with him. We barely talk as it is. I know it seems one-sided when I look back at it now. As for driving, I've asked him to stay the night here many times, but he doesn't. He'd rather stay at his friends house 3 towns over.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. When we first originally met, 5 years ago on July 4th actually (we met online, talked for 4 months and then met in person on July 4th). He liked me a lot. Something changed and he started seeing other girls. Our friendships been back and forth a lot over the years.

 

When I start playing the game, doing what he does to me right back at him, I'm somehow the bad person. Which in the end I feel like sh*t.

 

Then one day he tells me he might like me. I was happy, but I felt guilty because I didn't have the same feelings back right then. He asked me out on a date, I said yes even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted and that it might not even happen, like usual. But guess what? Like I said, the date never happened. He consistently gives high expectations for stuff and then cancels last minute. He's always been like that. But yet there's something about him that keeps me there. I don't know what that is, but I always go back to him. Whether it's barely friends, friends, or a relationship, I'd rather keep him in my life a little bit. I'm not dropping this friendship. I hope you understand that.