I was just left for his ex UGH!

[gone]

For the last few months, I was dating a guy I was super into. We had a lot in common, we got along great, we were mutually attracted to one another, we had great communication, our goals in life were similar, our backgrounds complimented one another, ETC. After having my last couple of boyfriends cheat on me, this was a really nice change, and I'd done a lot of work on myself to be emotionally available and ready for a relationship. We were taking it slow and not rushing, and I was comfortable with the pace, felt excited about him, and really, really enjoyed him as a person.

The only thing I did not like as that on a couple of occasions, he was disrespectful about my time (ie showing up late or not coming through on plans). I kind of felt that he was not totally as into me as he should be, given the connection he said he felt to me and how much he said he liked me. I thought maybe he needed time, as it takes time to develop intimacy. I stayed consistent, never demanding, and I also continued to date other people, as we weren't putting a label on it just yet (he had deleted his dating profile, however neglected to say why).

 

Fast forward to now, his contact was a little light recently and he was rude to me over text. So I called him out on being rude to me, and I said it made me feel hurt and offended. His reply was to tell me he is considering getting back together with an ex who unexpectedly told him she loves him, and that he really enjoys me and getting to know me and spending time with me, ETC. His message was so unclear I had to text him back for clarification that he was reconciling with his ex and we are not dating anymore? He then wanted to call me. I said OK. On the phone, he basically tried to make himself sound like a good guy, and he sounded confused because he had once loved his ex a lot (they broke up a year ago and were always/are long-distance) and wanted to marry her, and maybe now things between them would be different. I was basically like, why are we having this conversation? He put it off on me, saying it was what I deserved. Um, no. What I deserve is a man who loves me, not his ex! So I basically told him that. He tried to say it was due to timing, and how much he liked me and so on, and I said, No, I disagree. I said it's not timing. People make decisions in accordance to what they want. You chose another girl over me. And I accept that. He seemed to lose the wind from his sails after that - obviously I was right, duh! Did he expect I would cry and try to plead him into choosing me over her?? I would never do such a disservice to myself. I told him I accept his decision - good luck with that! So, what do you think? Will they live happily ever after, or will he live to regret his decision?

 

As for me, I just feel stunned. I really liked him, thought things were going great, and was like "finally, a healthy man in a healthy relationship!" only to find out he wasn't healthy (or even honest) at all. =/

[missmarple]

I don't understand why you're so upset. You said it wasn't a relationship and that you yourself were also dating others..so, why do you feel 'stunned'? It's not like you had been promising eternal love to each other, you were simply dating.

[SherrySher]

Why would you be bothered at all if they live happily ever after or if he regrets it? He did not choose you he wanted the other woman. The best thing you can do is forget about him as quickly as possible. He sounds like a jerk who was messing about while still waiting around for his ex to come back.

You don't need that, and you don't need to waste anymore of your time wondering anything about a person like that.

I hope if the day ever comes where he does come calling, that you tell him where to go as no doubt he will either be in a fight with his ex or again, broken up and waiting for her to forgive him. That's a mess no one needs.

[Edmund Exley]

I don't understand why you're so upset. You said it wasn't a relationship and that you yourself were also dating others..so, why do you feel 'stunned'? It's not like you had been promising eternal love to each other, you were simply dating.

 

Ego hit.

 

-----

[Quidam]

Someone got ego-bruised

[Edmund Exley]

Someone got ego-bruised

 

I could spend 20 mins picking her post apart to outline the drama, but it wasn't worth it.

[gone]

woops double post

[gone]

I came here for support, not be bashed. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

 

Yes, of course it's an ego-hit. It would be to anyone. But I have good self-confidence and I don't want to date anyone who would choose someone over me, which is why I was done with it immediately (and also why I dated other people, see further in my post). Mostly it is just disappointing to put a lot of energy and time into someone under false pretenses. I was really enjoying dating this person and I liked him a lot. The reason I was dating other people (but not seeing anyone else steadily) was because he hadn't said I was his GF. He told me in our break-up convo that he was moving toward that before getting the ex message. I agree with Sherry and I appreciate your advice. I think it's not healthy to have ex-mess in your life, and it's a personal responsibility to be emotionally available when you say you are looking for something serious (which is what he told me originally, as well as told me he wasn't seeing anyone else). So, I feel like I got stabbed in the back and that sucks. But I do understand there are lots of other people out there to date and get to know.

[katrina1980]

gone, sorry you're hurting you did the absolute right thing by accepting his decision, and not crying, begging, pleading, as that would have made you appear foolish and would have served no good purpose.

 

I agree with Sherry too, but if I could give one piece of advice for next time ... to avoid this happening again.

 

You said you were only dating for a short time when you felt he was disrespectful to you.

 

In the early stages, when a man is disrespectful to you, that should be a dealbreaker and you walk.

 

It is a mistake to "give it more time" or rationalize by telling yourself "intimacy takes time to develop" etc.

 

Yes intimacy does take time to develop but that doesn't give a man licence to disrespect you or your time or anything else .

 

The early stages is when you evaluate whether or not he is the right man for you.

 

You look for consistency, honesty, integrity and respect. He should do the same.

 

You did your part, he did NOT. At this early stage, that's a dealbreaker.... you walk.

 

Disrespectful at any stage should never be tolerated though.

 

Not blaming you for what happened, that's on HIM.

 

Just some things you can do to avoid this happening again, that's all.

[ShatteredMan]

Relax. This probably won't last with his ex. In the meantime, you need to find someone who has more potential in every way than him.

 

He probably will come back and see if you're available when his rekindled romance comes tumbling down. By then, this new guy will have swept you off your feet because he values you as a potential partner and you will want to reciprocate this to him, not this guy who just left you.

[KantSleep]

Sorry this guy was so quick to run back to the ex. He wasted your time in thinking you might be involved in something good. He did not take care of your feelings or growing fondness of him. While he has every right to do what works for him, you are the collateral damage in his decision. I would be pissed/hurt too. Hopefully you will find a better man who doesn't have one arm around you and an eye on the ex. Good luck.

[gone]

Thank-you to the last 3 posters! Your words are right-on. I surprised myself because I stopped caring about what happened really quickly. I think I saw through the ruse and I just don't feel interested in someone who lacks integrity. I think I really did like him -- before I got to know him. In reflecting on it, I realized he showed me his true colors and I do not find the person he really is, to be attractive to me. I am already seeing other people, and the funny thing is, my reaction to not talking to him any longer is actually relief, because as soon as he left, there was no drama in my life. It was like the circus left the room and now I have peace. That was telling!

[SoulTaker]

I came here for support, not be bashed. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

 

Yes, of course it's an ego-hit. It would be to anyone. But I have good self-confidence and I don't want to date anyone who would choose someone over me, which is why I was done with it immediately (and also why I dated other people, see further in my post). Mostly it is just disappointing to put a lot of energy and time into someone under false pretenses. I was really enjoying dating this person and I liked him a lot. The reason I was dating other people (but not seeing anyone else steadily) was because he hadn't said I was his GF. He told me in our break-up convo that he was moving toward that before getting the ex message. I agree with Sherry and I appreciate your advice. I think it's not healthy to have ex-mess in your life, and it's a personal responsibility to be emotionally available when you say you are looking for something serious (which is what he told me originally, as well as told me he wasn't seeing anyone else). So, I feel like I got stabbed in the back and that sucks. But I do understand there are lots of other people out there to date and get to know.

 

You handled it well. The only thing I can add is that you might have unintentionally started projecting the two of you being in a relationship in the future, without staying in the present (mentally). The only problem I see on your part (according to this update) is that you allowed for him to set the dating pace.

 

You should have gone at your own pace, and brought up being exclusive, or a relationship when you were ready, and not wait for him to tell you that you're now his gf. Do you really believe that the "ex" message came out of the blue? I wouldn't believe it. And, as you know, you can't get a true read on a person in only a few months.