Can't stop thinking about my girlfriend's past

[overthinking11]

I am a 24 year old guy and I am currently dating a girl who is 23 and in her last year of university. We have been together for about 5 months now, and I really am in love with this girl. I have had girlfriends in the past, only one of which I was also in love with, but I think I have found the one for me this time. The only problem I am currently having is that I cannot stop thinking about her past. One thing I really can't seem to get over is drug use. My girlfriend used to take MDMA on a fairly regular basis (once or twice a month) and would go to raves. Although I myself have done the drug a couple of times, it really hurts me to think of her as that person because that is not someone I would ever be with. The last time she did drugs was about 4 months ago, and she tells me that was the last time she would ever do them because she doesn't want to do anything that would hurt me.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this or any advice as to what I should do? It is really hurting the both of us that this is an ongoing issue

[JaggerJim]

You will have to stop judging her for this to get better. Why do you judge her so harshly? You did drugs too.

[Wiseman2]

It's very dangerous to idolize someone to the point of perfection, no one can hold up to that. She is not disappointing you or hurting you, you are setting yourself up for that by having this fantasized version of her.

 

This idolatry is caused not by love but by infatuation. Love is true acceptance.

I really am in love with this girl. I cannot stop thinking about her past. My girlfriend used to take MDMA on a fairly regular basis . I myself have done the drug a couple of times, it really hurts me to think of her as that person because that is not someone I would ever be with.

[JaggerJim]

It's very dangerous to idolize someone to the point of perfection, no one can hold up to that. She is not disappointing you or hurting you, you are setting yourself up for that by having this fantasized version of her.

 

This idolatry is caused not by love but by infatuation. Love is true acceptance.

 

I like that. Very true.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't understand your problem. You did drugs, she did drugs, you don't want to do drugs anymore and she's agreed not to. So, unless she lies to you and is still doing them, then why are you fixated and obsessed with her doing exactly what you did?

 

This is your problem, not hers. She can't do anything to help you get over it... that's your job. She's already taken care of her future actions and she has no control over changing the past ones.

[KantSleep]

As long as she is not an addict and promised you no more use of said drug, I don't think you should hold this against her. Just my 2 cents.

[nutbrownhare]

What should you do? Let the past stay right where it belongs - in the past.

 

That is, unless you're really determined to mess up a good relationship over something which isn't happening any more. You also need to be clear about who's hurting who here. I'm guessing that if you stop dwelling on her past habits and punishing her with this, you'll both be a lot happier.

 

If she were to start doing drugs and going to raves regularly again, you'd obviously need to review your relationship - but it sounds as though this isn't actually happening. I get that you don't like the idea of dating someone involved in that scene - but she isn't involved any more. It's hard to think of anything more this poor girl could do to reassure you.

 

So you can either forget the whole thing and look towards a bright future together

OR continue as you are, with you both getting more and more unhappy as time goes on

OR make both of you really unhappy by ending the relationship - but at least that would give you the opportunity to find someone who has never put a foot wrong, or indulged in any of the other behaviours which many teenagers do as they experiment with life experiences.

 

What's damaging your relationship isn't her past, but the fact that you're continuing to be obsessed with something she can do absolutely nothing about. Another good reason for stopping this behaviour is that, eventually, she'll start to get really fed up with it - and leave.

[abitbroken]

It is okay to not want to be with someone who does drugs. Four months ago is not far enough in the past to say she "used to" do drugs (its not like it was 10 years ago). It is part of deciding to date someone or not. It is not judgemental in any way - its deciding what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship partner and its about what's best for you.

 

The problem with deciding that you don't want to date someone who has taken drugs (personally, I would not), is because you have taken drugs, too. So you are not superior in any way.

 

If you are concerned about her regular drug use (when you have just used once or twice) is to keep your eyes open. You are still in the honeymoon phase and she could be minimizing her usage (did it more often than she states or more recently than she states), or she could actually use again after the thrill of a new relationship is gone. Maybe she IS never going to use again. it could go any way.

 

If she uses again and you are not okay with it, don't continue with her. But if shedoesn't, can you decide to put away the past, because you have one, too.

[Ms Darcy]

If you recognize your hypocrisy in this situation, you may be able to let go of your judgement of her past.

[Reflections11]

This post is insane. You sound like a complete hypocrite. It's ok for YOU to do the drug, but somebody else who has done it is not somebody you would ever be with????? Wow.

[Capricorn3]

One thing I really can't seem to get over is drug use. Although I myself have done the drug a couple of times,

Um .... hypocrite, much? Does she have the same problem with YOUR past?

[Longview01]

What should you do?

 

Growing up would be a start