He thinks I'm trying to get him to break up with me

[Lovebroncos42]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and it's going really good. But Sometimes (maybe once or twice a month) we get in these weird fights. I'm usually the one that starts it. He'll do something or say something that isn't really a big deal, but for some reason it just gets me angry and escalates to a level that it doesn't need to. I'm not even sure why it happens, and afterwards i always feel so lame for getting so mad when I don't need to. But I've been trying really hard to figure out ways to stop that from happening. The last fight like that was maybe a week or two ago, and then today he tells me that he thinks I'm just pretending to be happy with him and he thinks I'm picking fights with him to get him to break up with me. Is that even a thing? I didn't know people did that. So now I'm super upset because that's not true at all. And despite the stupid little fights, our relationship is so good. And I spend a lot of time after the stupid fights showing him extra love cuz I feel bad. &I I tell him how happy I am all the time. I'm hurt that he doesn't feel like it's genuine. I guess I just thought he trusted me and knew me well enough to know otherwise. I mean I guess he's allowed to have insecure moments and get worried about things, but it feels so ty. I explained to him that that wasn't the case at all and he was very happy to hear that and he's fine now. But now I'm not fine I feel sad that all the love I've shown him throughout our relationship apparently hasn't been seen as genuine. I feel as if I go above and beyond to be affectionate and make him feel loved. He said sometimes I just seem too good to be true and he gets worried. Should I even be upset about this?

[rosephase]

How do you act during these fights? Do you yell? Do you say mean things? Do you act out in large ways?

 

You say they start over stupid things and you say you start them. Do you have anger issues anywhere else in your life? Do you fight with other people over little things?

[Lovebroncos42]

How do you act during these fights? Do you yell? Do you say mean things? Do you act out in large ways?

 

You say they start over stupid things and you say you start them. Do you have anger issues anywhere else in your life? Do you fight with other people over little things?

 

I don't yell or say mean things or act out in large ways. I guess the issue is I just drag the fight on longer than I should. Sometimes even after he apologizes for whatever.

 

And no, I don't have this problem elsewhere.

[Edmund Exley]

Seems like you have some self control issues. You need to figure out why and work on them. Some of the things you describe are consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder, especially picking fights with the people you love deepest. I am not saying you have that, but you may have some deeper reason you need to look into if you ever want a healthy relationship with him or anyone.

[rosephase]

I don't yell or say mean things or act out in large ways. I guess the issue is I just drag the fight on longer than I should. Sometimes even after he apologizes for whatever.

 

And no, I don't have this problem elsewhere.

 

So you only fight with him. Do you know why? Can you feel it in yourself when you are dragging out a fight? Can you put words to why you do that?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, yes it's "a thing", people do it all the time. What are the fights generally about? Maybe get to the root of that?

 

Maybe better conflict resolution and communication are in order? Do you spend too much time together? Does either of you have mood or anger issues to address?

today he tells me that he thinks I'm just pretending to be happy with him and he thinks I'm picking fights with him to get him to break up with me. Is that even a thing?

[Lovebroncos42]

So you only fight with him. Do you know why? Can you feel it in yourself when you are dragging out a fight? Can you put words to why you do that?

 

As I said, I've been working really hard on figuring it out and I'm pretty sure I've found out what it is and a way to stop it. The last fight really got to me emotionally so I promised myself I would get it in check. And since then, I've felt really great. I noticed a couple times where I normally would have possibly started an unnecessary fight and I had the conscious thought that it was stupid and let it go. I've been in the best mood and I thought our relationship was going better than ever then he tells me he's been feeling that way since the last fight. So it just sucked to hear that after the fact that I'd been doing so well

[MissCanuck]

He's indirectly warning you that it needs to stop. It's wearing on him.

 

If we sense that our partner is often upset and picking fights, we begin to question what they are even doing with us to begin with. We want our partners to feel happy with us generally, but picking fights a lot is a sign that something is wrong. It makes us wonder if our partners really even love us and want us around. Even if you show him love after the fight, it doesn't undo the fight itself. It doesn't erase the lingering negative feelings for him. And yes, some people do indeed sabotage their relationships by starting arguments in a subconscious attempt to drive a partner away. One of my exes was very similar, and it got the point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. He too showed extra affection after, but I started to really resent him and his seemingly random anger and frustration toward me.

 

The good thing is that you recognize now that it's a problem. Your boyfriend did the right thing by highlighting how serious it is for him and that a few good weeks don't undo a build-up of discord. That's not to say it cannot be fixed. I feel it can, especially since you are already making an effort to nip it in the bud. You must identify the underlying root of this, however, or it won't be a sustainable change.

[notalady]

Your change of behaviour is only recent, meanwhile the fighting has gone on for almost a year, and that's what he's basing his judgement on.

 

Sorry but fighting once or twice a month is a lot. A relationship that's going well doesn't involve this much fighting, especially within the first year when things are meant to be all rosy and smooth sailing

 

I've been on the receiving end of an ex who would have this type of fights every couple of weeks, but not over the same thing, it's always something different so there's no way to know what triggered him and I was always walking on eggshells. It always felt like he's picking on me, I couldn't do anything right and I'm always apologising. I got sick of apologising and left in the end. No amount of affection can offset that negative experience, and once your dynamic is established, it's hard to change.

 

Yes you're working hard to change but I wouldn't expect him to instantly react to that change and immediately trust that you wouldn't go off at him for no good reason again. It will take a long time to establish a new dynamic.

 

I'm curious what do you fight about? You say it's small, and that may very well be true, but it could also be that you have incompatibilities that are triggering fights over and over, noting that even though you've been holding yourself back lately, that irritation and annoyance is still there, that points to something is not going right.

[ParisPaulette]

If this many fights are happening it's an indication that something else is seriously wrong with the relationship. You need to take a step back, get some distance and perspective, and really get honest about why there is this much fighting. Because yes, it is simply too much. A fight once in awhile sure, I guess, but the level and regularity that is happening is not normal. And it will kill the relationship if the relationship isn't already on it's last legs, which may be why the fighting.

 

Really stop and examine the fights, what are they about, are you overreacting indeed or is he trying to make you think that, do you really want to keep moving forward if this is your future, can it be fixed, do you want it to be fixed? These are what you need to ask yourself.

[catfeeder]

I feel sad that all the love I've shown him throughout our relationship apparently hasn't been seen as genuine. I feel as if I go above and beyond to be affectionate and make him feel loved.

 

Every time you go in for the kill with the drama, it undoes all of that.

 

Look, blow this up to the extreme: what if a guy shows all kinds of love and affection in between the times he hauls off and hits you?

 

Ramping up dramatic displays of love doesn't compensate for dramatic upheaval and meltdowns. Consider working with a therapist on self control, and consider BF's warning that all the loving manipulation in the world doesn't 'fix' mistreatment and stupid fights.