Trouble communicating...

[bluebird23]

Hi,

 

I'm having a few problems in my 5-year relationship. We started very young, but grew in much the same way and have always been long distance. I am a year (and a bit) older and so while I'm in my final year of university, she's in her second.

 

She's always expressed her emotions less, and I got to know all the ways that she showed her love without needing to say it all the time. But this is when we were talking at every available opportunity and now we are in a rut.

 

In spring we stayed together and had one of the best times we've ever had in person together, and she expressed that she was worried that she wasn't making friends. We communicated better than we ever had, and said that would continue. However, she went on to make some great friends in person, moved in with them for her second year and is now incredibly busy.

 

We still message each other every day, but the ratio is way off, I look like a stalker! I realise I'm probably sending her too much at once, and she can't possibly respond to it all but when she only responds to the inane stuff, and ignores the things like "what's your schedule for the break?" and "when can we see each other/skype next?" I start to feel very strange, and sadder than I'm used to after five great years with her...

 

I told her this twice, the first time she told me how busy she was, and I understood that while she's studying I have to get used to hearing less from her. But after "less" became "nothing for 48 hours with no warning", I brought it up again. That time there had been an issue moving in and a small family crisis, so that was forgivable and she apologised, saying that we aren't growing apart she's just busy. But the best apology is changed behaviour, which I've seen very little of.

 

I don't know if I'm being irrational in thinking she doesn't think about me anymore... I'm considering bringing it up again after my own deadlines have passed and making sure she still thinks our plans for after studies are still in place. But I don't know if I'm just going to be whining, or if we can figure out a better, less time-consuming way for her to reassure me I haven't been forgotten about.

 

Please advise?

Thank you

 

(Also sorry I am new to this forum)

[Kaykayxo]

I think you just need to address the situation in reality, and think about the future. Do you see her in the future and will you two be together? How permanent is the long-distance set-up? Have you talked about the future?

 

People get busy, that's natural. However they also make time for what's important. I think you may be over-analyzing the situation, but that isn't what matters. What matters in the long run is how you feel about the situation. Clearly you feel somewhat neglected and unfulfilled. You have a long history and tons of fond memories on the other hand, so it's not like you would just walk away. You need to discuss this with her.

Also, what is your own schedule like? Perhaps if you were busier you would not have the time to worry about these things. Long distance can be difficult but in reality you simply cannot expect your partner to be text messaging every moment of every day. That gets old, fast. Some days she may just not be in the mood, etc.

 

I think this is something you need to work out on your own, depending on how you feel about the situation, the extent of how bad it is etc. You sound insecure in your need for reassurance, but on the other hand, if she goes long periods with no contact that seems strange as well. Ideally you should both be in contact to check up on one another, but I see no need for long conversation everyday. You can adress the problem with her and either work to accept things, or perhaps face the fact that the relationship may not be sustaining.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. communication is about quality not quantity. Try not to inundate her especially with "inane stuff" your more important communication will get lost in the shuffle.

 

It sounds like you are suffocating her and that will turn her off. Lay way back and stop pressuring about 'when will we Skype, when will i see you', etc in addiction to blowing up her devices with messages.

 

Get busy with your own friends, interests, activities and studies. Ironically, you'll lose her if you get clingy and pull too tightly.

In spring we stayed together and had one of the best times we've ever had in person together. she went on to make some great friends in person, moved in with them for her second year and is now incredibly busy.

I'm probably sending her too much at once, and she can't possibly respond to it all but when she only responds to the inane stuff, and ignores the things like "what's your schedule for the break?" and "when can we see each other/skype next?"