Boyfriend disrespected me, not sure if I should forgive him

[aceocean7]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months and things were going pretty well. We fell in love, saw a future together and it felt great. I'm not the type of girl to date for the sake of dating, so when I do, it's because I think I found someone amazing. And I thought I did in him. Then things kind of changes...he started getting upset because I would back out of plans, or not go with for weekend trips with his friends, or not stay the night enough. It was because I have anxiety disorder and things are harder for me. It was hard for him to "get that". I then for frustrated for him not respecting and understanding. He would start blaming me, listing off things I've "done wrong", saying that all he wanted was to just be in my life. He was. I was only doing what was comfortable for me, and I have still come a long way. Then, two weeks ago I was on a work trip and he called me and yelled at me. He said that I deserve to be alone, that he refuses to be happy for my work trip (even though it made me happy), that I can't give him what he needs, and the worst of all--he said I need to get over my past like a normal person. I've shared painful things about my past with him before, and it's not something you just get over. I'm in therapy. I'm trying. Why would someone who loves me say that? He hung up on me. Then yelled some more. I was scared...it was a person I had never seen in him before. He later apologized a million times, but I can't get over it. I'm so hurt. I'm trying to forgive him but I just can't. I feel numb inside. I don't doubt he loves me, but I don't know what to do. I still see a future with him, but I can't keep getting hurt. I told him he needs help And all he said was "there were things I wanted you to do, too, but you didn't." I said "there's a difference between going to dinner with someone and you getting healthy." I love him so much and don't want to give up on him, because he needs help so badly. But I'm at a loss. I'm crying myself to sleep, trying to hold it together. Help.

[RosieM]

My husband can be equally disrespectful to me. If you forgive him, he will just do it again. I married someone who I knew was capable of that, but believed our love and marriage would keep him from behaving that way and I was way wrong.. I don't regret my marriage, I do love my husband. But, I'm sad, a lot. And, he just doesn't get how he's adding to the issue by belittling me over my emotions. I can't tell you what to do. But, I can tell you if you get back together with him and forgive him, he will probably do it again, and you'll be further invested at that point, and it will hurt worse and be 2x as hard to walk away..

[j.man]

No, it's not OK to call you up and shout at you, but it does seem like there's some gray area here.

 

Sounds like it was all boiling over and he finally snapped. Far be it from me to make a judgment on your entire relationship based on one paragraph, but if I were you, I'd sit back and ask yourself how equitable things have been with regard to you expecting him to understand your needs and you understanding his. How much of a presence as your anxiety had in this relationship? Anxiety and depression aren't excuses to make a habit of bailing out on plans, and if that's the reasoning you offered him with no other recourse, it's pretty natural for his resentment to build.

 

Additionally, while you say you've told him about these past events in your life, are you venting to him regularly about other aspects of your anxiety? How often do you expect him to be emotionally supportive of you?

 

Again, it's not to excuse what he did, but given that you admit it's a one-time thing, it sounds to me like this relationship had been chipping and chipping away at him and that him seeing you having the opportunity to be happy while he's been emotionally weighed down was the final straw.

 

None of these are accusations, just invitations to reflect.

 

I also think it might be best to leave relationships behind altogether until you've made some more headway with your therapy.

[RainyCoast]

It was because I have anxiety disorder and things are harder for me. It was hard for him to "get that". I then for frustrated for him not respecting and understanding. He would start blaming me, listing off things I've "done wrong", saying that all he wanted was to just be in my life.

 

i'm sorry. the yelling bit wasn't okay. i'm trying to understand though what his complaints were about? do you have social anxiety and find outings more difficult while he wants you two to spend a lot of time socializing? was it something else he said made him feel like he wasn't in your life?

 

also, you said he needs help-- with what? his temper...or...?

 

i just think if you were a bit more specific you might get more answers. it's a little hard to tell what's going on.

[katrina1980]

No, it's not OK to call you up and shout at you, but it does seem like there's some gray area here.

 

Sounds like it was all boiling over and he finally snapped. Far be it from me to make a judgment on your entire relationship based on one paragraph, but if I were you, I'd sit back and ask yourself how equitable things have been with regard to you expecting him to understand your needs and you understanding his. How much of a presence as your anxiety had in this relationship? Anxiety and depression aren't excuses to make a habit of bailing out on plans, and if that's the reasoning you offered him with no other recourse, it's pretty natural for his resentment to build.

 

Additionally, while you say you've told him about these past events in your life, are you venting to him regularly about other aspects of your anxiety? How often do you expect him to be emotionally supportive of you?

 

Again, it's not to excuse what he did, but given that you admit it's a one-time thing, it sounds to me like this relationship had been chipping and chipping away at him and that him seeing you having the opportunity to be happy while he's been emotionally weighed down was the final straw.

 

None of these are accusations, just invitations to reflect.

 

I also think it might be best to leave relationships behind altogether until you've made some more headway with your therapy.

 

^^Beat me to it.

 

Very well said fellow Cancerian.

[MissCanuck]

I don't agree with him yelling at you and insulting you. That is unacceptable.

 

However, I can see where he's coming from in the sense that he doesn't feel part of your life. You backing out of plans and refusing to see him and his friends will sting a whole lot more when he sees that you are happy on a different trip without him. I think his hurt has been building for a while, and this was the unfortunate result. Whatever the reasons, he feels excluded from your life and like he can't compete with your underlying issues.

 

As a couple others have suggested, it is probably better to remain single until you make more progress dealing with your anxiety and your past. I think he has probably reached his limits in terms of much support he can offer you and how much patience he has in understanding why you are not fully present in the relationship.

[katrina1980]

OP, one thing I don't understand, perhaps you could clarify.

 

I went through a period a couple of years ago wherein I was very depressed, anxious, the whole nine.

 

Of course it negatively affected my relationship, my very extroverted boyfriend often felt frustrated when his usually happy and upbeat girlfriend (me) didn't want to do anything except lie in bed all day!

 

Instead of continuing on this negative downward spiral, I sought professional help.

 

My doctor prescribed a course of meds to balance out the chemical imbalance in my brain that was happening at the time, and after about a month, I was back to my old self again more or less.

 

No longer felt anxious and got my energy back and desire to live life again!

 

My boyfriend was super proud of me for taking the necessary steps to *help myself* by seeking professional help. I was proud of me too!

 

I stayed on those meds for nearly two years and then slowly started weaning off and today I am fine and feel great! I run and do yoga which keeps me balanced.

 

So my question to you is, what steps are YOU taking to help yourself and get better?. To feel better.

 

If your boyfriend sees you are doing nothing to help yourself and only hears you complaining you can't do things because you are *anxious* depressed or whatevs, this may be another cause of frustration for him.

 

When I hear people constantly blaming *anxiety* on why they can't do this or that, or how their bf/gf doesn't "get it" .. it frustrates me as there is no reason for it, being there are soooooo many things one can do to combat those feelings.

 

If not meds, then exercise, yoga, meditation, healthy eating, so many other things.

 

If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, then the proper meds can balance it out.

 

There is no reason to suffer with anxiety these days with so many resources available to you to get help.

 

Especially when you see your relationship is suffering because of it.

[aceocean7]

i'm sorry. the yelling bit wasn't okay. i'm trying to understand though what his complaints were about? do you have social anxiety and find outings more difficult while he wants you two to spend a lot of time socializing? was it something else he said made him feel like he wasn't in your life?

 

also, you said he needs help-- with what? his temper...or...?

 

i just think if you were a bit more specific you might get more answers. it's a little hard to tell what's going on.

 

He has anger issues...he admitted to it before we ever had problems. He has given me ultimatums before, such as "stay the night, or else..." I don't use anxiety as an excuse, so please don't say that I do. I see a therapist, I've tried meds, seen other doctors, tried getting further help...I'm doing all I can with what I can. My insurance doesn't cover certain doctors such as psychiatric, so please also don't assume I'm not trying. It's not like I want this for myself. It's not like if someone offered me help, I wouldn't take it. I have gotten help, several times. I haven't found anything that works yet. He has anger issues...it's not just me that's the problem.

[RainyCoast]

i am not assuming you're not trying at all. i was just wondering where he saw the indication that he wasn't part of your life.

 

anger issues and "or else" threats would be deal breakers for most people.

[katrina1980]

He has anger issues...he admitted to it before we ever had problems. He has given me ultimatums before, such as "stay the night, or else..." I don't use anxiety as an excuse, so please don't say that I do. I see a therapist, I've tried meds, seen other doctors, tried getting further help...I'm doing all I can with what I can. My insurance doesn't cover certain doctors such as psychiatric, so please also don't assume I'm not trying. It's not like I want this for myself. It's not like if someone offered me help, I wouldn't take it. I have gotten help, several times. I haven't found anything that works yet. He has anger issues...it's not just me that's the problem.

 

Fair enough. He sounds controlling and manipulative, and given his anger issues, frustration with your limitations, etc, it's best you take appropriate steps to move away from this relationship.

 

It sounds toxic and unhealthy and NOT good for either of you.

 

It may be the hardest thing you ever do .. but you need to take care of you and this relationship is only serving to keep you down and making you feel worse!

 

Relationships should enhance our lives, not cause more anxiety and unhappiness.

 

Best of luck moving forward...which I eventually did too with my ex, when out RL turned toxic (for different reasons).

 

Now a year later, I am dating a man and feel happy and alive again

 

Take care of YOU...cuz no one else will that's for darn sure!

 

Hugs.

[SooSad33]

-he said I need to get over my past like a normal person.

- this is shwoing someone who lacks in understanding & compassion.

 

The good thing is... is he is finally showing his true colours.. so YOU can now see.

 

I do not think you can handle someone this nasty in your life.. can you? You dont need that!

 

As mentioned.. it'll happen again. If he is sociopath type.. they ALWAYS turn the blame around to you or someone else.. make you feel like dirt.. etc.

 

Act now.. get out of it. he'll drag you down emotionally and you'll need more than just therapy.

[Wiseman2]

Ok RED FLAG ALERT HERE. Please tell your friends, family and therapist about these anger issues and forcing/coercing you.

 

These things are not normal and should not be tolerated. Discuss warning signs of controlling and abusive relationships with your therapist..

 

Dump this guy asap and then go totally no contact and block him from everything. You can do much better than a mentally abusive controlling jerk.

He has anger issues

He has given me ultimatums before, such as "stay the night, or else..."

He has anger issues...it's not just me that's the problem.

[ThatwasThen]

"Anger issues" and "Anxiety and depression" aside: You guys are not compatible if he's outgoing and sociable and you're not. I don't see you being able to last a life time with him or he with you so instead of looking for ways to fix this situation, at the 8 month mark you should just break up so you're both free to find people that are more compatible to you and he.

 

As others have mentioned, I think it would be a good idea for you to concentrate working on your anxiety and such so that it doesn't hold you back romantically rather then looking for someone new right now.

 

Good luck.