My boyfriend's ex is activetely trying to win him back...how to deal?

[Shorthaired]

I have been dating an amazing guy for the last 3-4 months. He has an ex wife with 2 children who still wants him back even though they separated years ago.

 

He seems crazy about me but I really worry that he will end up going back to her. The reason they separated was that she cheated and he wasn't able to get past that. She has tracked me down on social media and found my phone number and she sends me constant messages that she will stop at nothing to get her family back. Every date we go on, she texts/calls both of us multiple times. Whenever he goes to pick up the children, she will spend lot of time trying to tell him how she wants them to be a family again or reminiscing about their family holidays.

 

He hasn't really done anything wrong and ignores her messages/calls but obviously he still needs to have contact for the kids. She once texted me something along the lines of how he is only with me to make her jealous for cheating on him. I can't quite get that out of my mind. Could it be true?

 

He has introduced me to his friends and parents and integrated me in his life. It's really hard to know if he will end up back with her. The only reason I haven't blocked her so far is to be informed if they start reconciling so that I can move on because I am sure she would tell me the second it happened.

 

This black cloud of ex is really ruining my excitement about him and the relationship. I am considering having an in depth discussion with him on if he thinks that the (ex)marriage is salvageable at all. Not sure if it will only make me come across as insecure. (we already had these discussions but not that in depth perhaps and he claimed he is will never get back with her).

[missmarple]

How come they aren't divorced yet?

[SherrySher]

This is your boyfriend who is at fault, if you ask me. He's the one who needs to be telling her to back off and that it is done 100% and that he does not want her to be contacting you, etc.

If he is not being harsh with her and telling her, then that's something you need to wonder about.

Why does he allow her to still talk to him about reminiscing over the past? Why does he allow her to contact you and cause problems?

Personally for me, that's where my focus would be. If your boyfriend wants things to be completely over with this woman and is serious about you, he'd make sure this wasn't a problem, but he seems to be allowing it. Which makes me wonder if there is any truth to what she said about him trying to make her jealous.

 

There is ways around this if he wanted to not be around her..get someone else to drop the kids off or to be there for when he picks them up (this can be court ordered)...there does not need to be any contact between them at all, if he wanted it that way. And if he wanted to protect you and your relationship he'd make certain to put her in her place about not contacting or upsetting you. And lastly, he's make sure she knew there would never be a chance between them again.

He's not really doing any of those things and he's allowing this woman to cause havoc, etc. So yes, it would make me wonder.

[BrokenGator]

It would make me wonder as well, which would lead me into having a discussion with him. Tell him to request the contact from the ex to stop. Hear his response and then go from there.

[Shorthaired]

He told me that he has already asked her to stop contacting me but she isn't listening. He told me to just block her number. In general, he is very mild mannered and non-confrontational.

 

As for the divorce, they are in the process which he is driving but she hasn't been very co-operative.

 

The whole situation does make me wonder in how much hope he is actually giving her. I also feel if he made it 100% clear that he is done, this wouldn't be happening.

[SherrySher]

You know the police could be involved if she continues to stalk and harass you, right? I don't know why your bf hasn't told her this.

A divorce is a divorce, if she's not being cooperative, she still has to comply..again, if lawyers are involved. Sounds like your bf is bending to her.

She wouldn't still be pushing it if he had made it very clear that things are over and she has no chance.

[Shorthaired]

I am torn between these 2 paths:

 

1. Block the ex, proceed with the relationship, see if she settles down once our relationship progresses further and keep an eye on divorce proceedings. I am at great risk of wasting my time and having my heart broken.

 

2. End it now on a hunch and look for a better dating opportunity. Possibly walk away from love. It's also hard for me because this is the only guy I have felt a connection to in the last 3 years. It's not like I can just pick the next on the list and have similar feelings.

[boltnrun]

Wait a minute...this is the man who has gone back to his wife several times and who, just 3 or 4 weeks ago, told you that he would have to stop seeing you because his wife had a "breakdown", correct? And in October you said you'd only gone on 5 dates with him.

 

What happened after his wife's so-called "breakdown"? Has he decided to start seeing you again?

[Shorthaired]

Wait a minute...this is the man who has gone back to his wife several times and who, just 3 or 4 weeks ago, told you that he would have to stop seeing you because his wife had a "breakdown", correct? And in October you said you'd only gone on 5 dates with him.

 

What happened after his wife's so-called "breakdown"? Has he decided to start seeing you again?

 

 

They went back and forth since their first separation 6 years ago. During their last separation, they haven't been back together for at least 2 years before he met me. Since his ex's breakdown, she spent some time in the mental health institution. We resumed seeing each other few days later. He then initiated divorce proceedings and has been moving swiftly with the legal paperwork.

 

She has been creating havoc through all this though

[SherrySher]

It sounds very tumultuous and the ex wife is not going to go away any time soon, nor is he keeping any kind of strict boundaries.

My goodness, does the ex wife ever have him wrapped around her finger if she can have a mental break down and have him come running and tell you that it can't continue.

Surely this woman has friends or family that can come to her aid, why does he keep running as soon as she asks?

I'm sorry hun, but he seems still far too caught up with her.

[SherrySher]

Okay, I just went back and read your other post about this man and his ex wife. This man has two women in his life! He is trying to date you meanwhile, trying to please her and make sure she's okay.

He has already dumped you..for her sake. That would have been enough for me!

Many people have already told you that the best choice you can make, is to leave. This man keeps inviting his ex back into his life and he is enabling her behaviour by running as soon as she needs something or is hurt or upset.

I know you have feelings for him, but he is not in the right place to be serious with only one woman when he and his ex keep holding onto each other like they are.

[boltnrun]

So he just filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago???

[Thill754]

I would talk to him and tell him what's bothering you and he will make decisions on what to do next. He should tell her to stop what she's doing and if she doesn't get police involved

[Stay_home]

I have been dating an amazing guy for the last 3-4 months. He has an ex wife with 2 children who still wants him back even though they separated years ago.

 

He seems crazy about me but I really worry that he will end up going back to her. The reason they separated was that she cheated and he wasn't able to get past that. She has tracked me down on social media and found my phone number and she sends me constant messages that she will stop at nothing to get her family back. Every date we go on, she texts/calls both of us multiple times. Whenever he goes to pick up the children, she will spend lot of time trying to tell him how she wants them to be a family again or reminiscing about their family holidays.

 

He hasn't really done anything wrong and ignores her messages/calls but obviously he still needs to have contact for the kids. She once texted me something along the lines of how he is only with me to make her jealous for cheating on him. I can't quite get that out of my mind. Could it be true?

 

He has introduced me to his friends and parents and integrated me in his life. It's really hard to know if he will end up back with her. The only reason I haven't blocked her so far is to be informed if they start reconciling so that I can move on because I am sure she would tell me the second it happened.

 

This black cloud of ex is really ruining my excitement about him and the relationship. I am considering having an in depth discussion with him on if he thinks that the (ex)marriage is salvageable at all. Not sure if it will only make me come across as insecure. (we already had these discussions but not that in depth perhaps and he claimed he is will never get back with her).

 

Hmmm.....Very flaky.

 

Honestly, I think this relationship has too much drama for three or four months. You think it's bad now, imagine what it would be like if you married him. That's a long shot from here, but it's something to think about it. If you stay, things could potentially get worse. If you leave, it would be painful but at least the relationship hasn't had a chance to fully blossom out. Personally, that's waaaaay too much drama for a relationship with little shelf life.

[Fudgie]

Oh my God, you went back to him? Why? He is clearly playing you both. Of course she wants him back. He is probably promising her all sorts of things.

 

Let her have him. He's no prize.

[j.man]

When I read the OP's first post in the thread, my reaction was that he really doesn't have much choice. It'd be great if he could take a hard-line stance, but the fact of the matter is she has his children and there's going to be politics and placating involved.

 

That reaction went right out the window when I read the response of the poster who did some digging. Fudgie summed it up well:

 

Oh my God, you went back to him?

 

Hit up Costco and buy yourself some dignity in bulk. This is as dead-end as it gets.

[SooSad33]

He has introduced me to his friends and parents and integrated me in his life.

- this is really FAST for only dating 3-4 months.. and with a desperate wife in tow..

 

If they only recently spilt up... good chance you are a rebound... DO tread lightly!

 

As for her messagin you? HE should be speaking up here and put her in her place.

 

IMO... I'd back out, totally and let this guy work on his marriage/divorce. No thanks to an ex hanging like that!

[Sportster2005]

Waiting this out, is a bad strategy. You're relying on two people to change. The dynamics look complex, but the result looks simple. Expect more of the same. She's not giving up, and he has to walk a tightrope between maintaining a healthy relationship for the kid's sake, and not letting her treat him as a doormat.

 

You need to look after yourself, and let these two sort out their crap on their time, not yours.

[HeartGoesOn]

The bottom line is, he's still married and unavailable. Where you choose to go from there is simply a game of Russian Roulette, and a role of the dice.

 

It's your call...

[Shorthaired]

What's with the over-inflated notion of "dignity"? I have more than I should really and my sense of identity and self-esteem is not affected by if someone decides to dump me or if I dump someone.

 

All I care about is what will make me happy in the longer term. I have spent many lonely years preserving my "dignity" and not taking chances. I only went for guys that were full proof. Divorces final, at least 2 years since LTR break up, said they wanted a LTR up front. Great matches for me on paper but we always lacked connection and chemistry and ended up not working out. Why keep doing the same thing over and over again if it makes me miserable? Everything I have achieved in life, I have done by taking great risks. I would much rather live my life with no "what ifs" or "regrets".

 

I don't believe this guy is consciously playing me. His ex has sent me their play-by-play conversations and everything he said there is consistent with what he told me. He asked her to stop contacting me repeatedly but she does what she wants. In the last 2 months, he has made a lot of progress in detaching from the ex. Sure, I agree that he is somewhat messed up and not "ready for a relationship" by conventional standards. However...life is messy, fate is unpredictable and endings and beginnings are not wrapped up in tidy little packages.

[SherrySher]

Good luck with that...he is choosing to be caught up with his wife as well...remember that.

If you want to keep running towards him, keep watching him and the wife run together and the pain you will continue to feel. He still cares a great deal about her and about her feelings..that is more than clear. But if you want to immerse yourself into more of it..that's your choice.

[Fudgie]

Forget about dignity - why would do you want a man who is still so attached to another women? You're basically "sharing" him. Even if you believe that he is faithful (which, btw, I highly doubt but whatever, that's me), then you're still sharing him because of his needy not-yet-ex-wife who is trying to get him back and take his attention away. You're not a priority here and you never will be. Why do you want that for yourself?